My Habit Tracker and My Scarves

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I started a bullet journal last year after hearing all about them on Youtube.  Doubling as both a calendar and an ongoing to-do list, I discovered some other features that have proved quite useful.  A bullet journal is great for all kinds of lists, like “All the Books I Want To Read This Year,” or “All the Clothes I Need for My Capsule Wardrobe.”   But my favorite function of the bullet journal has to be the Habit Tracker.  It’s not complicated; it’s basically just a chart with a row for each habit you want to do and a column for each day of the month.  Habit completed; check box.  For some people this may sound unnecessary or a little too Type-A, but I’ve adopted it as a way to track all the little things I do every day.  If you’re battling depression like I am, it’s a great way to give yourself credit for everything you’re able to achieve, and to not take anything for granted. 

Some items on my list:

  • Take pills

  • Shower

  • Wash dishes

  • Exercise

  • Brush teeth

  • Listen to audio book

There are days with lots of check marks and extra activities written in as well.  But there are also days when all I’ve checked off is “Take pills.”  For me, the idea is to recognize that each one of these tasks is an accomplishment, not an expectation.  Because sometimes as I start to get better and my depression begins to lift, I simultaneously increase my expectations for myself and forget how far I’ve come.  It also feels good to have a record of how I spend my days, especially for those times when I yell at myself for not accomplishing enough. 

A big part of coping with my depression involves grieving for the loss of time.  I look back at years of my life and am filled with regret for all the things I didn’t get to do.  I want that time back.  I want to hurry up and “make up for lost time.”  I panic at the thought of how far off track I am, wondering if I’ll ever be able to get back on.  This is where patience is key: the Habit Tracker helps me break everything down into small, achievable steps.  It reminds me to be patient, slow down, and keep building.  It tells me to celebrate small victories and be gentle with myself in defeat.  Today, I exercised.  Today, I went to the doctor.  Today, I got dressed.

Today I wore my favorite winter scarf- it’s a chunky, oversized, cable-knit scarf in grey cashmere.  It’s extremely long and wraps around twice so that I’m bundled up to my eyeballs on cold days.  After pinning numerous images of chunky scarves on Pinterest, I went onto Thredup to look for something to fit the bill.  This one was less than $20 and pre-loved, but it is 100% cashmere and says “Cruciani” on the label.  (No idea who Cruciani is, but it sounds Italian, and therefore, luxurious.)  It’s perfect to slouch around my shoulders when in drafty coffee shops or wrap around twice in cold weather.  I do have another winter scarf for less extreme weather; it’s a blush Calvin Klein logo scarf that I like to wrap once around my neck and then tuck an end under in front to cover that gap beneath my neck.  I wear it under my coat and then leave it on indoors, too, for a subtle bit of color with whatever I’m wearing.

For more formal occasions, I have two beautiful scarves that were gifts from my mother-in-law.  One is a delicate silk rectangle with a large-scale floral on a black background; the brand is Old Shanghai.  The other is a huge square of turquoise velvet with a burnout floral pattern; I’ve worn it as a shawl over an all-black look for dressy nights out. It’s from The Metropolitan Museum of Art gift shop; they have really beautiful things if you’ve never checked it out.

I even have a couple of scarves for spring and summer.  One is a sheer, white, woven frothy thing that looks great with my khaki anorak jacket.  The other I made from some remnant material from a duvet cover I was altering at the time.  The fabric is stiff for a scarf- it’s a blush, woven cotton with a damask pattern in gold- but it was far too lovely to be thrown away.  I’ve never seen a scarf quite like it, but I love the way it layers with more revealing summer clothes.

Is six scarves too many?  Maybe, but I do love (and wear) them all.  I love the slouchy look of a scarf; it’s an unexpected alternative to jewelry- a softer, subtler accessory.  Wearing one makes me feel protected, more self-possessed, gentler.  It adds color and texture to my otherwise monochromatic wardrobe.  It covers me up without drowning me in fabric, making me feel modest yet modern.