Closet Contents and The Weight-Change Capsule Wardrobe

It’s been a rough week.  I fired my therapist (don’t ask), haven’t been leaving the house much, and haven’t had the wherewithal to do any reading or writing.  I have managed to exercise, shower, make my own dinner, do dishes, do a load of laundry, and watch about 60 hours of Youtube.  While it’s better than what I’ve been capable of at certain points in my life, it still feels pathetic, and hopelessness has crept back in. 

My latest coping mechanism is fixating on the state of my closet. For someone with a capsule wardrobe, I have a ton of stuff in there.  My closet acts as our linen closet, so there are extra pillows, bed sheets, and various quilts and blankets.  Then there’s my sewing machine, a box of sewing supplies, and some leftover muslin.  Then an acid-free box with my wedding outfit folded inside.  My shoes are on a rack set up on a shelf, and my bags are lined up on that same shelf as well.  I have a bin of packing cubes and reusable tote bags for travel.  On the floor is a tiny stool for meditation and a large cushion for curling up on on really bad days.  I have a chest of drawers that holds my pajamas, workout gear, socks, and underwear. 

And then there’s my dirty little secret: the clothes I keep in storage.  This is not seasonal storage, or cocktail dresses, or ski pants.  It is solely clothes that do not fit me right now – or more specifically, clothes that are too small.  I am near my highest weight ever right now, and I had to buy several items just to fill out the 25 item capsule I currently wear.  But only a year and a half ago, I weighed 152 pounds (I’m well over 200 now), and I spent a lot of time, money, and energy finding clothes that fit me at that weight.  My medications have played a big part in this weight fluctuation: Adderall helped me lose weight and Seroquel made me gain weight.  But now that I’m off of both these meds, I am hoping to get back to a lower weight; hence the saving and storing of all these too-small clothes. 

My weight has always fluctuated dramatically over the years, my lowest weight being around 125 and my new high being 224.  I’ve had clothes at every size in between and whenever my weight would change, I’d get rid of what didn’t fit.  It’s a common suggestion to get rid of anything that doesn’t fit, among minimalists and size-acceptance advocates alike.  But the irony often was that I’d ditch the skinny clothes and immediately lose weight.  Then I’d buy new skinny clothes, ditch whatever was too big, and immediately gain weight.  This cycle continued over and over again.  On a financial level as well as an environmental one, this is not a sustainable lifestyle. 

So this last time that I lost weight (a year and a half ago), I kept my fat clothes.  Only the ones I loved, but I kept a good amount and packed them away in a clear plastic bin on the top shelf of my closet.  And when I gained weight once again, it saved me time and money having these clothes on hand.  It’s hard to find things that fit at any size, so I was glad to not have to go shopping as my weight increased.  And then I saved the smaller clothes in turn, thinking I’d pull them out when my weight went down again. 

This seemed like a good system to me, and a good way to tell myself that I’m acceptable at any size, and deserve to wear clothes I love.  This approach is something I call “The Weight-Change Capsule Wardrobe.”  The strategy is to keep a small capsule of clothes for each size as opposed to each season.  25 items is plenty for me, since my lifestyle is largely uneventful.  And there is usually some crossover of items between sizes, so I don’t necessarily need 25 pieces in every size within a 100-pound range.  But it’s still a lot to store — daywear, pajamas, workout clothes, even jewelry — and it bothers me to have such a vast wardrobe of clothes that don’t fit.  I truly want to be a minimalist like the people I see on Youtube, with tiny wardrobes, vegan diets, and tiny bodies.  But I don’t know how realistic it is for me to assume my weight will never fluctuate again.  And the environmental waste produced by my ever-changing wardrobe is something I desperately want to avoid.

Lately, though, there’s a little voice inside my head saying, “This time will be different…” or “I won’t regain the weight, so I don’t have to keep the bigger clothes.” I imagine selling my larger clothes on Ebay as I continue down the scale.  And perhaps this really is the last time I have to go through this.  My meds are more stable, and I feel more committed to a reasonable diet and exercise regime for the long haul.  I lost 6 pounds last month according to my doctor, putting me 18 pounds below my highest weight of 224.  I’ve continued to increase the intensity of my exercise, limit my calories, and do intermittent fasting (which at the very least keeps me from snacking at night).  I still feel ”not myself” when I look in the mirror, but lately I’m a bit more hopeful that I’ll get there eventually.  And I’m eager to wear those too-small clothes up there, not because losing weight is the answer to all my problems, but because I love those clothes.  I carefully considered every purchase, searching tirelessly for just the right things, and spending more money than usual on quality pieces.  So for now, my closet is full, but I am where I am.