I Hate Nice Weather, and Sneakers.

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I’m afraid I've made a terrible mistake.  I've been searching for a pair of white sneakers- you know the ones.  The ubiquitous thick-soled all-white "trainers" you see Victoria Beckham wear, and therefore everyone else on Pinterest wear.  I picked up a pair of Adidas at TJ Maxx for $34.99 with silver stripes that were surprisingly comfortable.  I put them to the treadmill test and they didn't hurt my bunions at all.  I did eventually get some soreness on the sides of my feet, possibly because they're just a rather flat, unsupportive type of shoe.  In my fervent need to be environmentally responsible and not settle for a low-quality item of clothing that might wear out quickly, I returned the shoes and ordered the official Adidas Superstars in two sizes online.  One was too big, the other too small, and both had the strange attribute of pressing down on the top of my toes, as though they were too narrow top-to-bottom.  The fit was nothing like the ones I returned to TJ's, making me think that the TJ's version were not actually made by Adidas, but had simply gained the license to the Adidas name on their (shoddier) product.  This is quite common at stores like TJ Maxx, Marshalls, Ross, etc.  You think you're getting unsold Calvin Klein from a high-end department store, when in fact Calvin Klein has simply sold the use of their name to an anonymous company to make different products with the Calvin Klein name stamped on.  I've experienced this phenomenon when buying jeans: the Calvin Kleins from TJ Maxx fit nothing like the identical item from the Calvin Klein website. 

In any case, I soldiered on, deciding to try the oft-mentioned Veja-brand, sustainable, ethical sneakers so many bloggers recommend.  Rather expensive at $120 a pair, I finally found my size on the website Need Supply.  I ordered two sizes to try, a 39 and a 40 (I'm an 8 or 8.5 in women's) and both were an utter failure.  Once again, the larger size was too big and the smaller size too tight.  I've returned all 4 pairs of shoes now, using up all kinds of fossil fuels, I'm sure.  And I find myself utterly regretting returning that first pair from TJ's.  They were by far the best fit, the lowest price, and I had them in my hot little hands for 2 weeks before casting them aside.  I was sure that getting a more expensive, authentic pair would ensure better longevity if not an ethical/sustainable purchase.  But if the shoes don't fit, they don't do me any good.  And so I returned to TJ's in search of those shoes I returned.  But alas, they were gone, and I'm afraid I've made a terrible mistake.  I plan on hitting up a couple of other TJ Maxxes in the area, something I've been known to do in the past.  My mom and I are notorious for our "quests" for that 4th pair of curtains from Homegoods or that second pair of black joggers from TJ's.  We have been victorious in the past, so there is hope for success here.

In terms of my latest "assignment" from my psychiatrist, there have been several developments.  An afternoon class is much harder to find than he made it sound, but maybe when another semester rolls around at RISD I might give it a go.  Hitting the library in the afternoon in order to get out of the house is still an option, so on Saturday morning I made a pilgrimage to the Providence Library in downtown Providence.  Walking several blocks through pouring rain, I was disappointed to find the library closed.  It was State-wide "Library Day" so I never suspected this closing was a possibility, but they were apparently renovating.  On State Library Day.  So instead I sat at a nearby Starbucks while my husband was at work on a rare morning shift. 

We got home around 2 and ate lunch, noticed the weather had cleared up significantly, and decided to embark upon our very first bike ride in the last 2 years.  We had an image of an idyllic afternoon coasting down the bike path, ending at a local cafe.  Well, we barely made it.  We were in pain.  Bicycles are deceptively innocuous, but in fact can lead to intense butt pain and burning leg muscles.  By the time we completed our return trip, I knew the pain would only get worse over the next day or so.  I slept 13 hours that night, and 14 the next.  I faithfully kept to my gym/walking schedule, but this whole bike ride thing was a rude awakening to say the least.  I thought I was getting into pretty good shape, slowly but surely, but clearly I have a long way to go.  For the life of me, I can't explain the bland, contented smiles of my fellow bicyclists.  That expression that says, "Isn't this great weather? Let's get outside!"  I hate these people.  I hate people who want to go eat lunch in the park on nice days, who enjoy street fairs and outdoor concerts and impromptu bike rides.  Nothing sends me to bed in a dark room faster than "nice weather."  I like rain and being inside and snuggling up in a blanket.  Now I do have aspirations of being fit enough to ride my bike as a means of transportation like I did so many years ago.  But this leisurely attitude is something I'll just never understand.  Is this a symptom of my depression? Perhaps.  But I don't see it changing anytime soon.

All these new activities- library, bicycling, classes- have sent my brain into a tailspin.  I got in a terrible argument with my husband yesterday and I feel like it was all because of these small changes (or attempts at changes).  What little traction I had on my day- exercising, writing at the cafe- was being lost in this new flurry of activity.  And so I hit a wall trying to get on the treadmill yesterday.  I was dressed and cueing up my YouTube watch list when all of a sudden I heard it as clear as day in my head: No.  I can't do it.  So I went directly to bed, only stopping to take off my shoes in the process.  And for the rest of the day, my brain was on fire.  It was screaming at me for not getting enough done and then fighting back with a hard no.  I will not move.  I will not get up.  My husband tried to salvage the day, making suggestions for what we could do instead.  I was not having it.  I feel like every day I'm trying to salvage my life.  And I feel like that's enough. 

Today is better.  Gym, a few photos, breakfast, cafe.  Back to square one at least.