Wearing Sweaters and Loose Skin

I’m finally wearing sweaters. Würzburg has cooled down quite a bit this week and I’ve worn 3 of my 4 sweaters already. The thicker pink cashmere one has come in really handy around the apartment with my pajamas, the grey one is making regular appearances at cafes, and the black non-cashmere one survived the trip here and just recently went over to our friend’s apartment. In terms of pants, I’ve worn each pair at least twice, so have yet to feel the need to put any in the wash. Right now I’m wearing my blue skinny jeans with my belt and it’s causing me some serious muffin-topping, so I may put them on the back burner again. I do tend to gravitate towards them though, especially for the walk home from the gym after a shower.

Before leaving for this trip, I switched to my smaller wedding ring which is a much more delicate band than the original (the original is actually a thicker men’s ring, since apparently plus size wedding rings have yet to hit the mainstream jewelry shops). But this thinner band is digging into my finger a bit, which keeps it from falling off, but makes me feel kind of chunky.

Speaking of muffin-topping and feeling chunky, I’ve been obsessing over the view of my inner thighs in the bright natural sunlight in our apartment. It’s got me worrying a lot about loose skin. If you’ve never lost a bunch of weight, you may be fully unaware of this concept, so let me enlighten you. When your skin has been stretched by weight gain, pregnancy, etc., it doesn’t always snap right back when you lose the weight. Magazines and weight-loss enthusiasts always fail to mention this potential side effect, but most people who lose significant amounts of weight in their adult years will suffer from this issue. I’ve been lucky in the past and only suffered from a jiggly belly when thin, but my weight had never reached its most recent heights. Now I’m afraid my legs are joining in the jiggle. But since the only solution is cosmetic surgery (which I have no interest in), I’m going to have to learn to accept it. Maybe all this waltzing around the ladies’ locker room completely nude will help me find that acceptance.

Now I am rather self-conscious waltzing my way to the gym in leggings. I rarely see people wearing leggings here, and I feel like people are staring when I do. Maybe it’s something about how skinny my legs are in comparison to my top half, or maybe not, but I do feel weird. It has dawned on me that people might think I’m pregnant, and if they see me lifting heavy weights at the gym, might be concerned for my health. But I feel like I get the most stares on the street. It doesn’t keep me from wearing them though, since I really have no choice- they’re all I brought to work out in.

I’m also self-conscious about my hair. My hair has been a bit of a disaster here due to the extremely calcium-rich water (we have to de-scale the kettle every couple of days). It just doesn’t curl like it’s supposed to, and I have to use a ton of conditioner. But aside from hair products, my toiletries have been holding up just fine. I’m pleased to report that micellar water is brilliant for removing sunblock, although now that I think of it, I haven’t been wearing my sunblock enough. The issue with it is that I try to use it like a moisturizer in the morning and it tingles and burns when I do. I’ve got a lead on an actual moisturizer with SPF so I’ll be sure to report back with my findings. The other issue with sunblock is that I get confused with walking to and from the gym since I often shower there. Do I put sunblock back on after I shower? And do I bring the micellar water with me? The answer to both these questions is obviously yes, but that has only just occurred to me.

My major concerns have been making sure I get my routine into place, and then taking pains to ensure that I don’t binge. It’s been just about a week since the dinkel-puff binge and my exercise is now truly consistent (our first week here I only walked around town for exercise on my cardio days and that didn’t feel quite right). So while there have been days where I could feel my routine slipping right through my fingers, I’ve managed to get back on track and power through. Today I overcame a great hurdle when I walked all the way to the gym and saw that both treadmills were occupied. Not satisfied with the walk there and back, I hiked it to the park and ran for ten minutes there.

In terms of getting out of the house, my nemesis seems to be the little bed in the spare room that calls to me after breakfast. It seems that if I heed that call, I tend to stay home all day and despair over how I’m not getting anything done. And while some days I’ve managed to rally and do something in the evening anyway, I still feel that that little bed is dangerous territory for me. So today I made sure to get dressed and ready right after breakfast even though it was almost time for Matt to get home. I think for now I have to ignore his schedule and just focus on my own, even if it means he spends his break out with me having coffee. I always want to spend as much time with Matt as possible, but I’m often conflicted about imposing my cafe time on his afternoon break. He always insists that the better I’m doing with my own stuff, the better he feels about everything. So in order to keep him happy, I have to make sure I put on my own oxygen mask first, so to speak. It definitely helps that he’s being really clear about his expectations (or lack thereof) for me. Sometimes I imagine he wants me to attend an event or do some shopping or dishes or whatever, when he’s really fine with whether I do it or not. So he lets me know regularly that I’m “off the hook,” but that I’m always invited. And the less pressure for me, the better.