YouTube Friends

I’m not bingeing, but I want to be. I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t think of anything to write about. I feel too insecure to go sit at the cafe, and it just seems to make more sense to stay home. While I did manage to get to the gym today, I haven’t exactly accomplished anything else. I made my breakfast, coffee, and lunch. I actually meditated, so there’s that. But ultimately, I took an afternoon nap with Matt and am now sitting down to watch 3 hours of YouTube while he’s at rehearsal. While watching the last video on productivity, I found myself thinking about cookies and whether or not I should have some. I decided I will make tea instead of eating cookies. I’ll put creamer in it and that will make me feel satisfied, I hope.

Matt left for his rehearsal a little while ago, and in the hour leading up to it, I could feel myself gearing up for a meltdown. I felt the downward slope sneaking up on me, dragging me down to stare into the abyss. I knew I would cry and carry on about the usual- not knowing what I’m doing with my life, feeling like I’ve wasted 20 years on singing. I could feel the momentum gathering but I knew Matt didn’t have the time to listen to it, to rub my feet and explain to me that I’m a worthy human being. So I thought about going to the cafe, did my meditation, changed my mind about going to the cafe, and settled into the couch for some quality YouTube time. I made my tea. I added a tablespoon of heavy cream and a tablespoon of whole milk- my approximation of half-and-half. It’s a little weird with peppermint tea, but it’s way too late for regular coffee and we don’t have any decaf.

This strange little concoction was actually pretty good, but I still want to binge. Maybe if I backtrack to when exactly the urge to binge first struck, I could address the underlying cause of why I want to eat. I was watching this girl on YouTube talk about how she always films 5 videos at a time for maximum productivity. I hate that she is this efficient. I hate that she knows how to make videos so well that she can actually plan ahead like that. I hate that she already knows how to make videos when I have so much to learn. And I hate that her generation actually struggles with spending less time on social media while I’m so baffled by social media that I can’t even get started. And most of all, I hate that YouTube is really just my way of having imaginary “friends” without the actual pressure of participating in a friendship.

I really feel like the YouTubers are my friends- I know all these mundane details about their lives and keep tabs on what’s going on with them. But when it comes to real friends, I’m too afraid of screwing it up to keep up any actual connections. I have a couple of dear friends with whom I communicate via text or email, but even the thought of a phone call gives me so much anxiety that I find it hard to breathe. Here in Germany, I’ve spent a bit of time with Matt’s colleagues in person, and for some reason that’s easier. But I still worry that I won’t remember things we talked about because my memory’s so bad. I still worry about saying the wrong thing or getting timelines and details confused, or retelling a story I’ve already told. And I still hide from people when I go out to the cafe, checking with Matt to see who’s there before I go, or else I just go to a cafe where I know I won’t run into anyone. All this even though I’ve had some lovely spontaneous interactions with these women and like the idea of doing it more. But somehow, my YouTube “friends” always win out and I retreat to the safety of my phone or laptop.

I’ve never even “commented” on a YouTube video- I just like to watch people living their lives, explaining exactly how they do it. I love seeing what they wear, what they buy, what skincare routine they do, how they get out of bed and shower and eat breakfast. I like to see how they organize their cupboards, how they clean their bathroom, what they keep in their purse. I feel like I’m watching instruction manuals on how to live, and I love that because I always feel like no one ever gave me one.

I remember the first “lifestyle” video I ever saw- it was a closet tour by a woman who only wore black or white clothing. I was enthralled. And from that point on I found myself talking things through like she did, as if I were in my own YouTube video: First I take the shampoo and squeeze it into my hand, about this amount, and then I rub it into my hair, etc. I still do this to help me motivate when I’m feeling stuck. Today I said to myself: First I take the stickers off the apples and then I turn the cold water on. I rinse the apples, and put them on the cutting board…. You get the picture.

But I love watching these videos where nothing really happens. Most of the time I feel like even TV and movies are just too stressful to watch, but I always love my YouTube. It comforts me, and makes me feel like the little things in my life matter, too. And a lot of days, the little things are all we have.