Power Dressing and Exercise Updates
I know you're in suspense about which boots I decided on, so I'll get that out of the way first: I went with the brown logger boots. My concerns that they might look too feminine were unfounded, I discovered, when I saw the photo my husband took of me in them. I was wearing them with my men's pants, trying to decide whether to wear them out, and from the photo it became clear to me that they do not look in any way traditionally feminine. The heel is more subtle than I imagined, and so I've finally started wearing them (gasp!) outside. They feel great, comfort-wise, and I feel great in them, more myself. I keep commenting that I just feel normal. I feel like they ground me, the weight of them, and in the way they balance out my body shape a bit. I feel like less of a tomato on a stick. OK, not a great body image to admit to, but it's accurate as to how I've been seeing myself lately. Another thing the boots give me is a subtle sense of power, like they're armor of a sort. And it dawned on me how rarely, as a woman, I shop for clothes that look powerful. I'd say my usual MO would be looking for clothes that a) make me appear thinner or smaller than I am b) look "cute" c) are "flattering" (refer back to a). I think it's good progress for me to abandon these motives and go for something empowering instead. It seems like when traditionally feminine clothing is deemed "powerful," as in a "power suit" or some great high heels, the power comes from sex appeal, especially in reference to men. This ultimately does not seem like real power to me. If objectifying yourself is your only way of feeling powerful, I think there's something wrong there. But maybe there's something more that I'm missing- maybe a power suit feels like armor going into a business meeting, or high heels make you feel taller and in that you feel power. I just personally don't get those things from those clothes- I get them from menswear.
In other news, I am pleased to report relief from "the bad feeling" at night, something that was ruling my entire day for months. "The bad feeling" has been correctly identified as akathisia from the initial surge of medication when I take my Latuda, an atypical antipsychotic. I have had to abandon intermittent fasting altogether, since the solution is to take the Latuda right before bed, and you have to eat 350 calories with it in order for it to work. The idea with taking it so late is that I sleep right through any potential akathisia. The other part of the solution was to lower the dose. I tried 40mg instead of 80mg, but that started affecting my mood. 60mg with dinner was definitely an improvement over 80, but I still started to get that feeling creeping up on me as the evening progressed, hence the late night dosing. It's not perfect, but this late-night snack thing is doing the trick so far.
With all the stress of experimenting with the meds, I've been losing my motivation to exercise. And with all the changes to my eating schedule, I've been having urges to binge, or at least eat outside my caloric limits. So I've had to back off in both departments, become less aggressive in trying to lose weight, and find some patience to go slower. I've allowed myself up to 2,000 calories on some days, though now it's leveled out to about 1,800 including my late-night cookies and milk. In terms of exercise, I've backed off on my intermittent running/walking and just gone back to walking at an incline of 2. On gym days, I'm only lifting weights, eliminating the 10-minute round of 6-incline walking altogether. This has made working out feel way less overwhelming and I feel less in danger of quitting outright. I'm convinced that I need to just keep doing something every day, and if I can just keep it going, motivation will strike again and I can start building my workouts up again. Going to the gym and just doing 3-4 machines feels pretty pointless, but I'm able to do it, and that's what really counts here. I do also have to credit myself for those 4 hours on the treadmill trying out boots (that was in addition to my regular exercise). I was walking really slowly (2.2 speed), but it does add up to something. And I've been leaving the house almost every day, so there's a bit more activity in just doing that. I tend to get ahead of myself, always wishing I could do more, accomplish more. But I need to appreciate how far I've come. I'm reading books instead of just watching YouTube. I'm going to the cafe to read or write. I'm shopping for clothes and making decisions. And I'm still on track with food, meds, and exercise. That'll have to be enough for now.
