Someone Tried to Take My Boots at Savers
I'm feeling pretty chuffed after an incident at Savers the other night. I was there with my mom trying on more men's pants, since wearing the same pair every day has gotten a bit impractical. I tried a bunch of pairs on, and at one point left the dressing room in my socks to put some rejects back on the reject rack. My mom was watching the dressing room to be sure no one took it. But there was a man of somewhat small stature wearing construction-type clothing who walked by just then. According to my mom, he did a double take when he saw my boots lying on the floor of the dressing room and picked one up to inspect it. He seemed very excited to have spotted them, possibly especially because they were his size, but I had to disappoint him and explain that they were the shoes I was wearing. I sensed some mild surprise and maybe even a nod of approval at my choice of footwear. And I felt validated in some way, that wearing practical boots of good quality was something I'd done right. I felt almost admired that as a woman, I'd chosen to belong to the "club" of fellow boot-wearers, and therefore deserved as much respect as a man. My shoes are not frivolous or delicate, so I am not frivolous or delicate. And this sums up my entire attraction to the boots in the first place. I sense some respect from other people when I wear men's construction boots. Just in a small way, but every little bit helps. As I recover from my worst symptoms of bipolar depression and re-enter society, a small thing like that does a lot for my self-esteem.
As far as the pants shopping, I selected two pairs to take home with me. One was $3.99, the other $3.49, and both were 30% off for a grand total of $5.24. The first pair is a beige/khaki colored cotton chino from Old Navy. They're really wide-leg, a rare find these days, and have extra deep side pockets. They're only a waist size 40, not my usual 42, but they're so worn and broken-in that they seem to fit just fine. The edges of the pockets and waist are even a little bit frayed, which gives them the feel of an old favorite right from the start. The second pair are a lightweight grey flannel dress pant with a 40" waist and a 30" inseam which is perfect for bunching up a bit at the ankle over my boots. These seemed brand-new, but after washing and drying them, I've determined that they are a bit too small. I'm afraid I was a little optimistic in trying on size 40 pants, and in this case it went awry. I'll keep them in hopes that they'll fit soon if I continue to lose more weight.
I had my psychiatrist's appointment yesterday and learned that I lost 2 point something pounds, so I'm down to around 198. 2 pounds in a month is difficult to appreciate when I've been so diligent, but I guess I have to take into account the fact that I backed off on my exercise progress this month. I've also moved my food around so that I'm eating 350 calories of cookies and almond milk right before bed, which probably isn't helping things. I have to stick with this routine so my meds work properly without causing akathisia, but I do have notions of delaying my eating in the morning so that I can get back on an intermittent fasting schedule. Maybe intermittent fasting was working after all- I'm just having a hard time waiting to drink my coffee with creamer in the morning. Black coffee is an option, but I'd need some time to get used to it. My husband insists the weight loss has just slowed down because I'm "gaining muscle." I can actually see a distinct tricep emerging from my chubby upper arms, so there may be some truth to that theory as well.
I can say that for the first time since I started dieting and exercising, a full 26 pounds into my weight loss, I can finally see a slight difference in my body when I look in the mirror. I truly think that my mind just couldn't get around seeing myself at a weight higher than this. I couldn't recognize myself in the mirror for so long, and tried to avoid mirrors altogether. But just this week, I feel like I'm starting to recognize myself again, and I don't look absolutely shocking. This unfortunately has not improved my overall mood.
I think that since the profound relief of not having "the bad feeling" (akathisia) at night anymore, things feel like they've returned to normal, which for me is fairly depressed. The depression has seemed even worse lately when I'm alone in the house in the afternoon and can't motivate to start a project. I explained this to my psychiatrist, and he suggested I find a way to get out of the house in the afternoons and have some structure, the way I do in the mornings. (Going to a cafe and doing my exercise in the morning and early afternoon has become something of a routine lately, and I feel best while doing those things.) We talked about me going to the library and reading a book about something I'm interested in trying- like improving my website or taking photos. He also recommended taking a class at an adult education center, or something equally low-key. I had actually applied for community college a while back, but the money and commitment seemed too great at the time (and still does). But there are some great adult learning programs at nearby RISD (Rhode Island School of Design) that I started looking into. I could try something fashion-related that doesn't involve drawing or sewing, two things I'm incredibly bad at. There's also a course on website design "without coding" which sound feasible. Or maybe a basic photography course would be good. The classes are only a few weeks at a time, and if it does give me the structure I'm after, it would be a welcome relief.
My doctor is really good in this way- he focuses on whatever my major complaint is and makes suggestions to resolve it. Now that "the bad feeling" (akathisia) is under control, it feels like a step forward to address these moody afternoons usually spent in bed watching YouTube. He says that if structure and getting out of the house doesn't help my mood, then maybe it's a medication issue we can address. It all feels very sane and methodical- my doctor is incapable of rash judgement- and it gives me a sense of slow and steady progress. I'm genuinely excited to try taking a class. I've always been really good at school and think it could help with my self-esteem as well as my mood. My self image has gotten pretty bad over the years. My inability to get better, combined with my constantly shrinking world, really ate away at any innate sense of worth I once had. But these small things could start to build into something, maybe something new.
