Why Do I Write About My Weight When It's None of Your Business?

I found myself asking this question when I remembered an incident at a party a couple years ago. I had lost a significant amount of weight, partly due to my new-at-the-time medication, Adderall. I was also restricting my calories and running at the time, so the weight loss was pretty dramatic. But at this party, someone I barely know was very excited and enthusiastic about my weight loss. She kept saying, "You did it!" And "How do you feel?" And "You look great!" I mumbled something about it being the result of my medication change and tried to leave it at that. But she kept pushing, repeating herself and goading me for some kind of excited response like, "Thank you!" And "Yes, I feel great that I did it- and you know, the secret is to just never eat cheese!" She just wasn't getting it. I thought my body was none of her business and found her quite presumptuous and rude. I finally muttered, "Thanks," and walked away. I was so uncomfortable and offended by this person's interest in my body- my private, self-contained body- that I had to leave the room. In another room, I fumbled around looking for a beverage, making sure not to drink grapefruit with my meds, when I had another unwelcome encounter. A woman across the room who I don't know very well caught my eye and mouthed, "You look beautiful." I mouthed, "Thanks" and looked away. It was at this point that I knew I had to get out of there. I gave my husband the eye and we left. He was just as horrified as I was by the events of the party. I know comments like that are socially acceptable and people expect you to act grateful for their compliments and congratulations, but you just end up feeling horrible on the receiving end. Even if consciously you enjoy it, on some level, there's a retort at the back of your mind- "What, did I look so bad before?" Or simply "Mind your own business about what's happening to my body." It's just such an invasion of privacy to be called out like that, and it makes me so self-conscious that all I want to do is eat and go back to hiding behind my fat. And if I feel so strongly about this, you may be wondering why on earth I share the details of my weight changes online? Isn't that just inviting some kind of unwelcome response? And my answer is simply- I hope not.

I hope that I have better reasons for revealing these private details about myself than just fishing for compliments or encouragement. I imagine that there are like-minded people out there who can relate to what I'm going through and are relieved to hear that they're not alone. To hear that there are other women who are conflicted about weight loss. I may be actively trying to lose weight, but I'm not saying it's noble and I'm not saying it's easy. There's nothing wrong with being the exact weight that you are right now. Being heavy or fat or "overweight" or whatever you want to call it does not indicate any flaw in character. It doesn't even indicate that you eat too much; our genetics dictate so much about our physical appearance that we really can't make those kind of assumptions. And even if someone's weight is the result of overeating or under-exercising or medication side effects or any other reason, there's still nothing wrong with being "overweight." But I talk about my weight loss because it's part of what I'm going through, the same way I talk about my struggles with mental illness. For me, it's also related to my mental illness: one of my motives for losing weight is to avoid exacerbating suicidal thinking and any other symptoms a higher weight triggers in me. I exercise not just for vanity, but because it's been reported to help with the symptoms of many mental illnesses. If it were not for these reasons, I might not even pursue such a goal. But I want to say that there is also nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight either. I don't have to feel guilty that I'm not feminist enough just because I'm losing weight. I'm a feminist, and I believe that my body is my business, and I decide how much or how little I want to eat and exercise. And the results of that are my business, not that of any passers-by who want to chime in. I don't even see it as the business of my husband or my family. No one is allowed to get excited for me when I lose weight, no one is allowed to judge me when I gain weight, and no one is allowed to keep tabs on my behavior or my body. And I hope these opinions come across in this blog. I want to lose weight for my own personal reasons, many of which I choose to share. At the risk of eliciting the wrong kind of attention, I want to share these things so other people might not feel so alone. This is the reason I share what I do with regard to my mental illness, my wardrobe, and my weight. Most weight loss-related messages out there are pretty one-note: Weight loss good, weight gain bad. I want to say more than that, because we are people, not just eating and exercising robots. I want to say that it's OK to do whatever is right for you and not listen to what anyone else has to say about it. And if getting that across means exposing myself to commentary, so be it. It's my choice to write about it, not yours.