The Cake Epiphany

I was at the coffee shop with Matt yesterday and we were talking about our wedding. I’m going to do a post on our minimalist/budget wedding so we were going over all the different elements of it. One thing we did was to forego the traditional giant wedding cake and order 10 standard cakes from the supermarket- one for each table. The cakes were really good, and there was plenty left over. And as we talked about it, I said, “Man, I could eat a whole cake right now.” As you do when you have as dysfunctional a relationship with food as I do. And then I said, “ But those days are over.” And I meant it. And it didn’t seem that bad. It just felt like a grown-up thought. An adult decision. Kind of like how you can’t drink a whole case of vodka or take an entire bottle of ibuprofen. They’re just not things you can do and be healthy and not get your stomach pumped. Or it’s like how I just can’t eat raw onions anymore because I get acid reflux (apparently as you get older, your esophageal valve gets sluggish and you get reflux from foods that you never did when you were younger). The same thing goes for large quantities of garlic. It just gives me a stomachache now, where as in my twenties, I didn’t cook anything without it.

When I was on a very strict diet for a couple years, back when Matt and I met in 2008, I didn’t eat sugar. Like, at all. Ever. I also didn’t eat wheat (including white flour), artificial sweeteners, or other sweeteners like honey or agave nectar. Ever. It went on for about two years, although for some reason in my head it was more like four. Anyway, it was really hard to do, and the idea of sticking to it for the rest of my life was really bleak. No cake, no cookies, no fried foods, no Diet Coke. Not even bread or bottled salad dressing. For the rest of my life. But those were the rules, and I really liked how thin I was on that diet. I also had really good teeth. I miss that, too. But eventually I started bingeing on dried fruit and nuts, and then finally, on pain au chocolat in Paris. I just couldn’t handle the idea of missing out on croissants in Paris. It seemed like a crucial life experience that would be shameful to miss out on. I tried to recover, going on various other strict diets, counting calories and carbs and exercising constantly. But I just couldn’t get back on board with the no sugar thing. And I think the reason for that was the idea of “never again.” I couldn’t live with the idea of never eating certain foods again.

But yesterday, talking about cake, it was different. I wasn’t saying I could never have a piece or a bite of cake ever again. I was just saying I could never have the whole cake. And that feels OK. I can’t say it’s easy to accept that, but it’s a heck of a lot easier than swearing it off forever. I eat sugar every day, and for the most part, it’s fine. I eat Lorna Doones or Hershey bars with almonds or Stonyfield frozen yogurt. I had oatmeal cookies in Germany as my nighttime snack with my pills, and there was no problem. I just count the calories and stick to the portion that fits into my diet. And I’m not filled with crazed cravings for more. A lot of people who are religiously against eating sugar will tell you differently- they’ll claim that even a bite of sugar leads to just wanting more and more. I used to think this was true for me, hence the really strict sugar-free diet. But this year, I’ve realized that not all sugar does that to me. There have been specific sugary foods that I’ve found it easier to just not eat. I had some particularly sweet, particularly rich chocolate in Germany that I instantly knew was not an option for me. Upon the first bite, I wanted to eat it all. And if I have that response, I’d rather not have to fight it. I’d rather just let it go, back away from the chocolate, and have something more tolerable. I don’t know why Hershey bars don’t do that to me, but they don’t. I can have a whole package of them in the house and it doesn’t bother me. I guess it’s just trial and error. I do find it extremely difficult to deal with foods I don’t know the calorie count for. It’s just not worth the guessing game for me, so I let them go.

I didn’t see this coming, this system for deciding what foods I can and can’t eat, but it’s working for me. It’s a lot of gut instinct, and a lot of brutal honesty as to when I’m feeling out of control. I’ve been around the block enough times with various diets and food restrictions to know what is worth the trouble of eating. To know what will do my head in with intense cravings or calorie confusion. And to be happy with what I can have. I used to think it was more black and white for me. I used to think I had to go to extremes in order to not overeat, in order to stop bingeing. But often those very extremes were setting me up to binge. I don’t feel like that’s happening now. I think this more moderate approach is one that I can accept for the long run. It’s not easy, but I can take it. I’ll take it over bingeing any day.