I Keep Getting Worse at Meditation

I think I’m finally ready to talk about meditation. I embarked on a 30-day experiment to see if a) I could even do it and b) if it would have any positive effect on my mood. In terms of being able to do it at all, it’s been a huge success. The last time I was trying to meditate, I was having akathisia from my meds- this horrible, crawling-the-walls feeling of agitation. You might think that meditating would help with these kind of symptoms, but I found the opposite to be true. The more I practiced “being with” or “observing” my awful thoughts and feelings, the more exaggerated they became. I was also trying to use the Headspace app, which I don’t think is the best approach to meditation for me. I found it really distracting when that guy’s voice kept coming in and adding to the thoughts I was already trying to quiet.

Which brings me to the whole idea of technique. The way I understand it, the instructions I’ve received from various teachers, books, and conversations are to:

1. Focus on your breath

2. Observe the thoughts that naturally come into your mind with detachment

3. When you find yourself caught up in thought, return to focusing on the breath

There are a few things I’ve found helpful from my own experience in years past that I’ve been drawing on during this recent experiment as well.

First is to understand that having thoughts is natural- that’s just what the mind does, so have compassion for yourself when you have them- don’t beat yourself up.

Another thing I like to do when I sit down to start is to picture the thoughts as little clouds passing by. I label each one as “thinking” and watch it slowly drift by. This helps to slow my thoughts down. When I first sit down, my mind is usually racing and I find it difficult to get focused at all. Picturing these little clouds just gets the pace slow enough that I can detach from the thoughts and remember to return to the breath. As each cloud goes by, I try to summarize the topic or image of each thought, sort of re-thinking the thought. I think this is key to slowing things down for me.

Another important concept for me is posture. I can’t meditate lying down- I need to sit on a low cushion or stool, cross-legged but with my back perfectly straight. If I imagine my neck getting longer, it tucks my chin in a little bit and I feel this click where I feel “locked and loaded”- like my back is totally straight but totally relaxed at the same time. Posture can be a good thing to think about when you’re trying to slow down the pace of your thoughts, too.

I don’t know if any of these ideas would be approved by a Zen master, but they’re what I’ve been working with. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a consistent daily practice, so I assumed I’d start to get good at this. But lately it seems like the more I do it, the more thoughts I have. Is it possible that I’m getting worse at meditating? I guess, ultimately, it doesn’t matter- the whole idea is to not judge yourself for having the thoughts in the first place. So I guess it’s not getting worse, it’s just watching more thoughts. No biggie.

I had my psychiatrist’s appointment the other day and I reported back to my doctor on my little meditation experiment. I told him that I didn’t detect any improvement in my mood immediately after meditating or overall. His response was that it wasn’t that kind of thing. The idea is to do it for years, and eventually your brain develops a less judgmental, more detached relationship to your thoughts. He confirmed that my sense that I was “getting worse” at it was normal. He said that in his experience, sometimes you feel like you got “in the zone” of quiet breathing, and sometimes you finish meditating and say, ”What the hell was that?” That pretty much hits the nail on the head for me, so I guess I’m doing it right. I’ll let you know in a couple years if my mood improves.