Finding Out How Much I Weigh, and Handbags.
I typically have a policy of never knowing how much I weigh. I don’t own a scale, and when I’m weighed at the doctor’s office, I ask not to be told my weight. I just don’t look at the number. With the prevalence of eating disorders in this country, most doctors and nurses comply without a second thought. If they do question it, I simply tell them that it’s detrimental to my mental health to know my weight. That usually ends the discussion. But over the past few months, I have weaned off of medication that caused weight gain. I’ve also drastically reduced the amount of food I’m eating in a day in an attempt to lose some excess weight. Progress has appeared to be exceedingly slow, at least according to how my clothes fit and how I look in the mirror. Out of a desperate curiosity, I asked my husband to tell me the number written down in my most recent psychiatrist’s appointment. How much has my weight gone down in the past 4-5 months of coming off the meds and eating less? I hoped to be pleasantly surprised, but I was not. The shocking truth: 12 pounds. I started around 224, and now am about 212. Deep breath. Now I see nothing wrong with anyone else being this weight- I see beautiful plus-size women who weigh more than me all the time. But I can’t help feeling a deep discomfort with my body at this size. I like to think it’s not for the superficial reasons: society’s unreasonable standards for women’s bodies, etc. I like to think it’s a more subtle “preference” to be closer to the weight I was for so many years- 140 or 150 pounds. A desire to feel comfortable in my own skin, to feel more athletic, less self-conscious. Am I just kidding myself? Am I every bit as shallow as I fear I am? And 12 pounds is nothing to sneeze at- that’s three-quarters of a pound a week, and I’ve been getting very little exercise and rarely leaving the house. I know that slow weight loss is ideal for long-term results, and I am 40 years old. My metabolism is not exactly that of a spring chicken. But it still seems painfully slow for the amount of effort I’ve put out. In addition to limiting my calories, I’m doing “intermittent fasting,” a new thing my doctor told me about where you limit the number of hours per day in which you eat. It’s supposed to be heart-healthy and good for weight loss. So this discovery of my current weight is enough of a disappointment to send me into a binge, cancelling out what little progress I’ve made. Clearly I’m not as body-positive as I had hoped. I told myself when I bought my current plus-size clothes that I would “see where my weight ends up.” At what point did I adopt this thin-or-die attitude? Was it finding out my weight that was the problem, or was this attitude what provoked me to ask? I squelched the urge to overeat and decided to keep my head down, keep calm, and carry on.
One purchase I made for my current plus-size wardrobe was a new crossbody bag. As I’m sure other plus size women know, a crossbody strap has to be a certain length to be comfortable. I myself was surprised to find one day that my purse was too small- I was in danger of strangulation-by-purse. Out of respect for my new body, I purchased a new bag with a longer strap at TJ Maxx. It’s a black leather Margot bag with one large zippered pouch and one outside flap pocket. While the strap length is quite accommodating, I’m finding the lack of structure to the bag incredibly frustrating. Despite several inner pockets, everything I own ends up in a pile at the bottom of the bag. It’s difficult to find anything, and it makes it seem like I’m carrying around the proverbial kitchen sink and everything else. After a few weeks of dealing with this frustration, I’ve gone back to my old bag, just hanging it on my shoulder instead. It’s structured much like a camera bag with 2 top zippers and a zippered pouch under the flap. There are compartments galore and it feels like walking around with a tiny, very efficient filing cabinet at my fingertips. The bag is soft navy leather, and it was a thrift-store find for $7. The brand is Aurielle, not a very sought-after name, but I’ve searched and searched and found nothing as compact and convenient in my price range (which is about $7). So now I carry a shoulder bag; big deal. I can find things immediately because they stay where I left them.
I’m clearly not a big handbag person, and only own three other bags. One is an enormous faux-leather black tote with a top zipper from Adrienne Vittadini (another common TJ’s brand). And then there’s the small, blush, faux leather clutch from ASOS. Purchased for my wedding, it has an oversized silver button with a magnetized snap closure. I also own a little army pouch from the Army Navy store that I’ve had since high school. It is so convenient for long walks when all you need is a phone and some cash. And- oh, wait! I have a backpack, too. The Victorinox Cadet in black is extremely durable - my husband’s Victorinox backpack has lasted over a decade - and is the perfect size to fit under an airplane seat with a laptop and sweater inside. It even has side pouches for a water bottle and a packet of tissues.
I find it reassuring, somehow, to continue carrying all my usual bags despite my significant weight gain. Like with shoes, I feel some essential part of my identity remains intact, even as the rest of my wardrobe changes. Aside from the crossbody-now-shoulder bag, I also love and use all the rest: clutch for dressing up, tote for hitting the cafe (laptop in tow), backpack for travel, and army pouch for walking our nearby bikepath. It’s a decidedly minimalist collection; the Margot handbag is already listed on Ebay.
