Sunscreen Meltdown

I had a bit of a skincare meltdown today. I’ve been trying out two new products since coming home from Germany: Elta MD 45, a sunscreen my dermatologist recommended, and Cetaphil Gentle Skin Cleanser. And my skin doesn’t like it. I started applying sunscreen in the mornings last month while in Germany and had no problems with it at all. I was using La Roche-Posay 50+ sunscreen (purchased on a previous trip to Germany), then washing it off with either Burt’s Bees Cucumber Wipes or some Nivea milky cleanser. But this new Elta MD sunscreen is a little drier, and this Cetaphil cleanser is not as effective. So somewhere in combination with my Dr. Hauschka products, I’ve been getting these bumps. Not pimples exactly, just tiny bumps everywhere- along my jawline, on my forehead, near my nose. My first thought was that it must be the sunscreen. So I went online to order some more La Roche-Posay. I knew it wasn’t cheap, and it was a much smaller bottle, but I found some on sale for $23. The La Roche-Posay from Germany was really moisturizing, left no white cast (as some mineral sunscreens do), and washed off pretty easily with the wipes or the milky cleanser. I was excited when my new bottle arrived, though a little confused by the different shape of the bottle and the different SPF number on it. But it was the closest thing I could find to what I had, so I figured it was fine. I spread it on my face and went to leave the house but was met with a shocked expression from my husband. My face had such a significant white cast that I looked a little blue. I ran back into the bathroom, trying to rub it in more, but my skin started peeling and just added to the problem. It was like the sunscreen was drying out my skin instead of moisturizing it like I expected it to- like it had when I was in Germany. And so I discovered that this formulation was completely different. The bottle my husband got me in Germany was wonderful, never breaking me out and giving me a nice glow. But this U.S. version of the same product was a disaster. I washed my face with water. I washed my face with Cetaphil. I washed my face with a Neutrogena makeup wipe and then rinsed my face with water again. I felt like I still had residue left behind. I left my face alone for a day until it fully recovered, but I feel like I’m back to square one. I’m going to try the Elta MD again, but this time wash it off with the Burt’s Bees wipes instead of the Cetaphil in hopes that it’s not the sunscreen that’s the problem, but the Cetaphil. Maybe it’s not washing all the sunscreen off?

I’ll have to spend more time and money figuring this out, and that’s not a process I’m used to. I use only a few beauty products in general and I’ve never had to shop around for skincare. Dr. Hauschka was recommended to me, and it worked great with my skin. I guess I was just lucky. But I wanted to start wearing sunscreen so my skin wouldn’t get any more damaged than it already is (I spent a lot of hours running in the sun the last couple years with zero patience for sunscreen). I thought I was doing the right thing by wearing sunscreen and I’ve just ended up wasting money. That’s $11 for Cetaphil, $26 for Elta MD, and then $23 for the awful American La Roche-Posay. I’m going to try and return that one, since it’s from Rite-Aid and I think they have that policy where you can return opened beauty products if you don’t like them. But now I’m buying more Burt’s Bees wipes and I’m not even sure that will solve the problem. Plus it would be an expensive solution to permanently stick with the wipes, so I’ll probably be searching for an effective cleanser for the long haul.

Thinking about all this sent me into the bedroom to lie down in the dark with the AC on. I’m just trying to do the right thing. I’m just trying to take better care of myself. But nothing’s ever easy, it seems, skincare included. My capacity for trial and error seems to have worn away over the years. Maybe it’s all the psych meds- trying things out for weeks or months, trying to do the right thing, and then being disappointed when it’s a disaster. Or having a particular medication work for a period of time and then, with no explanation, stop working. Either way, I’m really beginning to understand the plethora of beauty reviewers out there testing these products and reporting back. I thought that going with a pricey brand that I had used before would be a safe bet, but I was wrong. I have much to learn, apparently. I’m sure most women have gone through far more than this in search of skincare products that aren’t a complete horror show. I just never expected to become one of them. I’m a minimalist on a tight budget and these little science experiments take a toll on me. Plus, I feel like I’m late to the party because I spent so many years not taking proper care of myself at all. I’ve spent years without makeup or sunscreen or even consistent use of moisturizer. And I have the dark circles and sun spots to show for it. I worry that my forehead, drawn together in agony from long depressions, will become the permanent shape of my face. I worry that after all this weight loss, my stomach won’t snap back into shape and I’ll be left with loose skin. I worry that I’ve missed my opportunity to prevent these things from happening because I was in a ball on the bed. And while these problems are way less significant than most, my face and body are my identity. Vanity is a perfectly natural part of being human. So while I try to keep things in perspective and push these issues to the back of my mind, ignoring them doesn’t make them any better. So the search for a sunscreen solution will continue. I will try and take care of myself as best I can.