It's Not Easy Being In-Between

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Well, I don’t know how this happened, but most of my clothes don’t fit. I started removing pants and shorts from my wardrobe because they were too big, and I got down to 3 pairs: a pair of grey flannel-type men’s pants that require a belt (not ideal for summer), a pair of black skinny jeans that are too dressy for everyday, and a pair of wide-leg, linen-blend, elastic-waist pants that I’m just wearing every day at this point. It’s the middle of summer, and they’re comfortable and cool. I tried to buy another similar pair from Old Navy, but they came in the mail and they just don’t work. The fabric is this heavy, textured stuff that doesn’t breathe at all- very weird for linen-blend pants. I also seem to fall somewhere in between a L and an XL in Old Navy sizing (I ordered both sizes of pants to try). The shorts I recently determined were too big are Old Navy XL, but my Old Navy L shorts in storage are way too small. Go figure. In any case, the linen pants are going back.

In my further editing down of my wardrobe, I also eliminated two black camisoles for being too big, hanging on to all 9 T-shirts, but I’m thinking some of them have reached that tipping point of being too big. I don’t know how it happens; one day something’s fine, and the next day it’s not. And so I’m sad to say that my beloved J. Crew T-shirts have crossed over. I’ve been contentedly wearing them, enjoying how lightweight and soft they are, even enjoying the oversized fit, and then today everything changed. I had one on as I tried out a pair of jeans from storage and it looked way too big. The shirts are a 3X, which I know is not my proper size anymore, but something about seeing them with fitted jeans made it impossible to go back to wearing them. I was fiddling around with my smaller clothes in storage, trying to come up with some more options for summer bottoms. I rather optimistically pulled out a pair of size 12 skinny jeans (I have 3 pairs; two are size 10, and then these ones are a 12). And they fit pretty well. Because they have a skinny ankle, they won’t work with my logger boots, but in this heat I’ve been wearing my Adidas sneakers more and more anyway and I think they’d look OK with the jeans. Then I pulled out a white midi skirt that stretches enough to fit, but I would have to shave my legs in order to feel comfortable wearing it (I’ve kind of been letting that slide). It would be good in the heat, work well with sneakers and an ASOS T-shirt, and still give me a look that fits my current aesthetic. We’ll see about the leg-shaving, but I did hang it in my closet for now. So that gives me two more casual summer bottoms to work with, which means I don’t have to hang out in my underwear waiting for the linen pants to be washed and dried.

So I’ve found a couple of awkward bits to tide me over while I’m at this weight (181.6 at my last weigh-in), but I can’t believe I just don’t have more options. I really thought I’d saved enough pieces to get through every phase of weight loss, but I guess I somehow skipped this part. Maybe I was just wearing the grey joggers as I was gaining the weight; I kind of remember them being too big and wearing them anyway. Those are currently on the outs, partly for being too big, partly because they’re so unflattering, and partly because they’re too hot for summer. For tops, my GAP Factory T-shirts (I have 4 of them) are fitting the best right now. They were salvaged from the donate pile a few months back after a change of heart. Maybe those are what I was wearing for tops as I was on the way up in weight? Maybe that was also a time when I just wasn’t leaving the house very much anyway. I had come home early from Germany, crashing hard from my Adderall losing its punch. I was doing some Ebay and then Skyping with Matt 87 hours a day, which means I did end up with plenty of pajama pants for this weight. They’re fairly useless in the heat right now, but they do fit me perfectly.

Speaking of crashing hard, I’m still having trouble with early evenings- those in-between hours after going to the cafe but before we eat dinner and watch a TV show. These crashes are really rough- yesterday I was even having some vaguely suicidal thoughts- and it feels like they’ll never end when I’m in the middle of them. I was trying to get some activities going for these times of day: meditation, walking, OA meetings, etc., but I’ve kind of lost my mojo in that department. I’m making a concerted effort to get to an OA meeting tonight, actually planning my whole day around it. Because it really does me no good to lie in the dark. I know this already. I’ve said so before, but it’s a really hard habit to break. What happens is I feel tired and like I deserve a rest, so I lie down, but I cannot rest. Thoughts of “how horrible my life is” start flooding in and I start ruminating: What could I have done differently in the past? What should I be doing now? Why am I not doing it? It’s too late for me to get anywhere with anything because I’m too old and too out of it. It’s the same old story every day. And then we have dinner and my mood improves, and I’m fun to be around. It’s just that in-between time that sucks. Because I’m feeling good earlier at the cafe too. (I hate the gym in the morning, but who doesn’t? It’s like brushing your teeth for an hour).

So tonight, I’ll try again. I’ll try to get ahead of that crash and have a place to go where I feel comfortable and focused. I’ve also started a meditation practice, sitting for 20 minutes at night. I kind of hate it- it’s also like brushing your teeth- but I’ve done it for about 10 days or so. The goal is 30 days, every day, but I screwed up and missed it yesterday. So it’s 29 days, and then that one day I missed it. Hey, I’m trying.