Do You Look in the Mirror?

I’ve been eliminating a lot of clothes from my wardrobe based on how they fit. If pants or shorts fall down and a belt is not an option, I simply can’t wear them. With my weight consistently going down, this has been the case with a number of items. But then there are the things I’m eliminating based on how they look: my black camis, my J. Crew 3X T-shirts, a Hanes V-neck tee. Today I looked in the mirror and realized that my linen pants look huge and really don’t fit right anymore. And that’s where I decided to draw the line.

These pants are still hanging on comfortably in the waist, they’re roomy and airy, I love the fabric, and they’re perfect in this heat. I also love the wide-leg style and the muted color. I like that they go well with both sneakers and boots. But the real clincher is how they feel. In terms of tactile pleasure, these pants just feel so good. The fabric weight and texture, the roomy and billowy quality to them- that’s way more important to me than how they look in the mirror. So now that I’m in this in-between phase with my weight- not at the point where I fit into the majority of my clothes (that’s still 20 pounds and at least 4 months away) but not at the point where my bigger items fit either- I’m trying to just make do with whatever works best regardless of how it looks in the mirror. This all makes me question- should I even be looking in the mirror in the first place?

When I look in the mirror, I tend to be self-critical. First I look at myself from the front. At best I give myself a nod of approval- nothing looks too tight, I like the drape of things, and I find my outfit “flattering.” But then I turn to the side, like in a mug shot, and the criticism begins. “I look like a mountain” is my usual thought. My stomach sticks out, my neck and chin look pudgy and thick. And then I throw up my hands and resign myself to the idea that “I’m just fat” and start in with some negative self-talk. The crazy thing is that this criticism doesn’t stop at any certain weight. It certainly hasn’t reduced as my weight has over the past several months. Even when I was at my thinnest I remember how I would judge my flabby belly and try to conceal it strategically with clothing. This is clearly a problem that will not go away by simply losing weight. So I wonder about this critical voice when I look in the mirror. I wonder how much of that voice is just my internalized male gaze.

There is a theory that as women in this society, we have learned to look at ourselves through the lens of how men see us, through the lens of the male gaze. I suspect that this is what is happening when I judge myself in the mirror. I try to think of ways to get around these thoughts so I can focus on my personal style, so I can just focus on the clothes. But I don’t know if this male gaze is escapable, no matter what our own personal fashion aesthetic happens to be.

There is something about wearing men’s clothes that seems to override this judgemental part of my brain- I love how my men’s pants, boots, and belt look and feel. That says to me that by dressing as a man, I am circumventing the image of myself as a woman and thereby disengaging my own male gaze. And that seems to keep the judgements from persisting. So I love wearing men’s clothes. I feel better about myself when I do. But it’s the height of summer and it’s just more practical to wear lighter clothes, more traditionally feminine clothes. And since I can’t seem to shut off that criticism when I’m in feminine clothes, I’ve made a decision. As someone who loves fashion, who really enjoys the aesthetics of clothing, and who chooses clothing at least partly based on how it looks, I’ve decided that for the time being, I’m not going to worry about what I look like in the mirror.

Because I don’t want to spend my life looking for men’s approval, trying to look like someone men want to have sex with. That’s just not what I’m going for. I’m trying to develop my own style, to home in on what I authentically like to see in the mirror. I’m trying to dress for myself and not for other people. I like to think that dressing for myself can include enjoying the appearance of clothing. But it’s hard to tell when the male gaze is having a say- especially because its voice can sound like your own.

I saw a YouTube video the other day that suggested various “styling tricks” to make you look more fashionable or “chic” (cuffing your jeans, wearing a belt, tucking your shirt in in the front, wearing jewelry). I looked at the Before and After shots of the outfits and strongly identified with the Before. Basic shirt and pants, shirt not tucked in, no jewelry, no shape. And I wondered if these “tricks” could help me look better. But then I wondered what exactly “better” meant. Does it mean I conform more to what my authentic, personal aesthetic is? Or does it mean looking like someone men want to have sex with? Or does it mean looking like a woman on Instagram who wants to look like someone men want to have sex with?

It’s hard to deconstruct these things. Aesthetically, I preferred the shirt tucked in in front. I’m pretty sure that’s in line with my own personal opinion. When I wear my men’s pants with a belt and I tuck my shirt in in the front, I like how I look a little bit more. It doesn’t feel like I’m succumbing to the patriarchy. But what about jewelry? Does wearing jewelry make me more attractive to men? Perhaps. But what matters is taking that out of the equation and figuring out how I think it looks. How it looks in my own mind, in my own little world of style that has nothing to do with gaining mainstream approval or attracting men. In my own little world, I love my linen pants even if they’re not very “flattering.” I still love my J. Crew T-shirts because they’re soft and comfortable and lightweight, even though they’re not my size. I love the drape of my black camis and the way they feel against my skin even if they’re too big. None of these things would make it into the After category of a styling video, but I’ll wear them all the same (okay, maybe not the camis- I don’t want to flash anyone). And I’ll consider this time, this in-between-sizes time, as an opportunity to let myself go. To explore how I want clothes to feel and let go of how they look. Because I think how things feel is often overlooked in the name of style. I still care about how clothes look- I love fashion and I don’t feel bad about it. But sometimes it’s good to just take a break from the mirror and ask some tough questions. It can’t hurt.