It Was Hard To Get Out Of Bed Today

It was hard to get out of bed today. I was tired, and in pain. I had gum surgery a few days ago and it has been a rough recovery so far. They really downplay what a big deal it is at the dentist- I mean, you’re just out in the open in a dentist’s chair with no door or anything. And they keep breezily saying how they’ll just send you home with some Motrin and you can drive yourself and whatnot. But Matt came with me- watched the whole procedure no less- and he was pretty horrified by what came out of my mouth. The point being, it was a pretty significant procedure. It’s 5 days later and I’m still in constant pain, Motrin or not. I actually took Vicodin the first two days (I have a prescription for menstrual cramps). But my stomach got messed up from that so I got off of it as soon as possible. Now I’m just on ibuprofen with some extra-strength Tylenol. The dentist claims it’s the equivalent of taking a Vicodin, but I can assure you, it’s not.

And so this morning I was teary-eyed while drinking my room-temperature coffee (gum surgery) and dove back into bed as I contemplated the treadmill. Matt rubbed my feet for a minute before leaving for work (he’s doing some house-painting) and I curled up in a ball on the bed and cried. I eventually got up to get my phone and distract myself with some YouTube. YouTube is, admittedly, my fantasy world. I love even the most mundane vlogs and styling videos and can watch for hours. I imagine my life is as clean and simple as the ones I see on the screen, and I imagine becoming a YouTuber myself one day. But I feel like my house isn’t clean enough, my curtains aren’t right, we have too many books on our bookshelves, and our bedroom is too dark, so I have nowhere to film the imaginary videos. I also feel like I’m still too fat for YouTube and that maybe when I’m thin, I’ll be perfect like the people whose lifestyle channels I love.

After a few minutes, I negotiated with myself in order to get going. Rather than lying down and watching YouTube, I’d get on the treadmill and watch YouTube. So I put on my shoes and pressed Start. After a shower and a frozen yogurt breakfast (gum surgery), I managed to get dressed and out of the house.

I’m back to wearing my linen pants- I’m finding it difficult to come up with a reason not to wear them every day- and am still debating whether or not I’m a skirt person. Yesterday’s experiment of wearing one was inconclusive. But as I put my linen pants on today, I began to question my recent resolution to stop looking in the mirror. It occurred to me that 4 months (the minimum amount of time it’ll take to lose 20 pounds and fit into my storage clothes) is a long time. It’s a long time to be “making do” with these awkward in-between clothes. Because by the time my storage clothes fit, we’ll be well into Fall. We’ll also be back in Germany when that time comes. Which raises the question: How the hell am I supposed to pack for 7 weeks when I’m still smack in the middle of losing this weight? Four weeks was one thing, especially because I had plenty of things that fit to start out with. But at the time we leave for this trip, I’ll probably be about 170 lbs., and my storage clothes will still be tight. So I could pack optimistically, assuming that those storage clothes will fit by the end of the trip, or I could pack realistically, for the 170 lb. body I’ll have when we set off. The realistic option means buying more clothes- something I was hoping to avoid doing. But then light dawned on marble head: I can thrift! It’ll be cheaper and more environmentally friendly than buying new things, and I can pick up some men’s pants for the Fall.

The only outstanding issues would be T-shirts and underwear. This is always a thing with T-shirts- how to avoid Old Navy, LOFT, J. Crew, etc. as well as the smelly, pilled options in your typical thrift store plus-size section. I’d consider looking for tops on Thredup, who seem to curate their clothes pretty well, but I don’t even know what size to look for. I guess I’m still in plus sizes (I have some LOFT XL tees in storage that are still too small) unless some XXL tops could work. And hopefully my current cotton underwear will still be OK- I just need to stock up on some more in my size. Maybe as we get closer to when we leave, I can better assess if new things are needed.