Weigh-In Woes

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We have Ebay success. I know you were waiting with bated breath. The men’s 501 Levi’s fit in the waist, although they do look a bit weird from the back. In any case, they fit. And the black dress pants from GEORGE are also a winner. I love how they look, and the fabric is exactly what I’d hoped for- definitely a suiting material but not too thin. I just have to hem them, and I’m good to go for Germany, pants-wise anyway.

Another major task in preparation for Germany is placing our Amazon.de order. The last time we stayed in this apartment, we planned ahead and ordered a blanket, pillows, an electric kettle, and a set of metal bowls with lids and a bonus metal colander, all to be delivered to the opera house and picked up when we got there. This time we’re ordering a bigger blanket, the same kettle and set of bowls, and some packaged foods that I think will help me stay on track. I found my “zero noodles” on the German site, along with those pouches of Indian food that don’t need to be refrigerated- you just nuke them for 2 minutes. Because the thing is, in addition to German supermarkets not carrying some of my staple foods, this apartment has no stove. There’s a microwave, a disgusting kettle, and a disgusting toaster oven. Hence the purchase of our own kettle, with which we can make veggies, pasta, couscous, etc. I don’t know if we need a toaster since the bread is so fresh there- last time we didn’t. Our Amazon pillows, however, were disappointing and the ones in the apartment are ridiculous. There’s no other way to describe how useless they are. We call them “joke pillows” - no matter where you put your head, the filling moves around and your head is flat on the mattress. There are so many great things about Germany- the superior windows and construction in general, the cobblestone walking villages, the coffee, the bread. But for some reason, they just can’t do pillows right. I have yet to find a German pillow I like. So we’re going to hit TK Maxx (yup, just like TJ Maxx) and see what they have in person.

But I digress. I’m especially glad my Ebay pants have worked out because I went to the doctor the other day and got weighed in. I found out that I’ve lost a total of .8 pounds. Not 8 pounds- no, no- point 8 pounds. In 5 weeks. Last time I was 176.8 pounds and this time I was 176 pounds. This is after a week of eating 1,400-1,500 calories a day because I was sick and had less of an appetite. I can’t tell you how disappointed I am. But I really am grateful that I took the bull by the horns and got some pants that fit me well now. Because fitting into my smaller clothes seems further away than ever.

I keep going over that weigh-in in my head. My doctor changed offices, so the scale was in a different spot on the floor. I drank my iced coffee later than usual and so I didn’t get to pee it all out. I didn’t exercise last week- could it be that? Has my metabolism slowed down from eating less? Please, dear lord, let there be some reason for this outrageous result. Because if it wasn’t a fluke, it throws everything into question.

If I keep doing what I’m doing, will I suddenly start losing weight again? Or do I need to change what I’m doing in order to lose more weight? I know my main focus for my diet and exercise regime is to keep my mental health in check. But let’s be real; if I’m working this hard, I want to lose more weight. Is this as far as my current regime will get me? Or do I have to work out more? Do I have to try “reverse dieting” so I can eat more and rev up my metabolism? Or is this just the place where my body wants to be? The most burning question of all is, can I keep doing what I’m doing without the incentive of weight loss?

All of these questions in combination with the not exercising/eating less during my cold has me in a tailspin. First of all, while I was sick, I didn’t try to eat less, at least not at first. I just wasn’t hungry. But then, I reasoned that since I wasn’t exercising, it made sense to eat a little less. Then I started restricting myself to 1400-1500 calories a day, to account for the calories I wasn’t burning at the gym. I imagined that I might lose a little muscle, but that that would quickly be remedied when I started exercising again. Looking back, I now see this self-imposed restriction as disordered eating. I enjoyed the fact that I didn’t need as much food, and I pushed it beyond what felt natural. That’s not a healthy thing for me to do, especially with my history of dieting and binge eating. So now I’m making sure I get my full 1,800 calories, and even allowing myself to go up to 2,000 if I need to in order to feel comfortable. And I need to make sure I don’t get trapped in the idea that I’ve “saved up” this calorie deficit and am allowed to add it all up and binge on those calories. Because that’s just more disordered thinking.

But I really, really want to binge right now. Much like the trying-on-too-small-clothes incident, this weigh-in has me fantasizing about donuts and various baked goods. Between the weigh-in, the restricting last week, and the stress about the limited food options during our Germany trip, I’m an absolute mess.

So last night, I sat down with Matt (I needed a witness), and planned out my food for today. I thought it would be a relief to just know what I was going to eat and not have to think about it. Instead, I feel more restricted than ever. I mean, there’s no cinnamon-raisin toast in my diet today. What if I want cinnamon-raisin toast? Do I ignore that and stick to the plan? Or do I get to make substitutions?

And what about my workouts? Should I switch over to just weightlifting every day instead of every other day? Apparently that makes you lose more fat over time than doing cardio. And what about getting a gym membership in Germany? We still haven’t heard back about getting a short-term membership. I don’t know what I’ll do if I can’t lift weights, now that I know that cardio is a dead end. Or maybe cardio will be enough for the 8 weeks that we’re there. Or maybe I could do HIIT- high intensity interval training.

This thinking is madness. I need to get myself sorted before this trip. I’m just so worried that I’ll come home and weigh in at the same weight or, god forbid, even more. I don’t know if I can continue to be this restricted if I don’t get to lose weight. I just don’t know. And I need to stay on my plan. My mental health depends on it.