Fugue State Bra Shopping

Preparations for our upcoming trip to Germany are progressing slowly as we’re still coping with the worst cold in recent history. I did overcome one major hurdle the other night: bra shopping. Notorious for being the least desirable form of shopping (perhaps trumped only by sports-bra shopping), I was somewhat wary. I do have a brand and style of bra to which I am faithful at a higher weight, so I made a beeline through the Kohl’s underwear department straight to the Vanity Fair “Beauty Back” racks. This is the style of bra I’ve been wearing that is getting way too big. I like the wide straps, set closer together than in smaller bras, and the wide band that covers your armpit fat. The size range is strictly for “full figured” women, so when I was at a lower weight I switched over to Maidenform. But these Vanity Fair ones have been my go-to for years now, and often wished they came in smaller sizes. There’s just nothing like a 3-hook band to make you feel secure. Luckily I still fit into the full-figured range right now, so I had exact sizes in mind to try in this favorite style. My current bras are size 40C, but the foam cups are half-empty. So I went in looking for a 38C or- in the rare case they had one- a 40B. It’s a little-understood fact that these two sizes are almost identical. This is due to the fact that cup sizes increase as the band sizes increase, regardless of how they’re labeled. So I fully expected one of these two sizes to be just the right fit. I was wrong. Neither one felt quite right: the 38C was too tight in the band and the 40B too small in the cup. So much for my little-understood facts.

I decided to branch out and try some other styles: the foam-cup, wireless Beauty Backs; the soft-cup, underwire Beauty Backs; and then some non-Beauty Backs also from Vanity Fair. I should have known that wireless is not an option for me- they always look worse on me than not wearing a bra at all. The other styles were less than thrilling. But the soft-cup Beauty Back showed promise. Labeled as a “minimizer,” the 38C gave me “double boob” so that was a no-go. But then I did something kind of counter-intuitive for me, having never been more than a C cup in my life: I tried the 38D. It worked. It felt just great in comparison to everything else. I love that I don’t have to mess around with packing foam-cup bras for the trip, and I love that it’s less bulky to wear- and indeed easier to wash. I chose a soft pink color as opposed to black or “nude” since my skin is rather pink anyway.

At this point I was relieved, though rather sweaty, so I headed to the underwear. I needed 3 pairs of underwear to bring me up to a total of 12 pairs in all, since for some reason, 9 is just not enough lately. My chosen brand is Warner’s, and the style is called the “No Muffin-Top” hipster. The ones I already own are cotton with a lace band, but those were nowhere to be found among the masses of No Muffin-Top options. I found my size (2XL or 9) in the hipster style, some silky with a lace band and some in microfiber with no lace. I searched about 20 racks’ worth (randomly arranged) before realizing there were a bunch of them on one of those tiered tables for display. I found the colors and patterns abhorrent, so I finally went with one black silky pair, one black microfiber, and one grey microfiber. I always buy these in threes, since they’re always on sale “3 for $30,” or in a 3-pack at TJ’s if you’re lucky. Sweating even more profusely, I tracked Matt down and checked out. Success. Next stop: TJ Maxx for some socks.

I found some nice Cuddle Duds socks right off the bat, but couldn’t find any more. I eventually settled on a 3-pack from Tahari that was pretty similar, so I went with those. I had decided I needed some thin crew socks to wear with my Adidas sneakers in the cold, since my boot socks are too bulky and my ankle socks too chilly. I went with my usual black, white, and grey in various forms, some solid, some striped, and some textured. So I’m up six pairs in socks.

The next day, Matt put on his winter hat and I commented on how nice it looked. He pointed out that he had been wearing it the night before, but I hadn’t noticed since I was in some sort of “fugue state” in the bra department. I explained that looking for bras on a timeline takes great focus and persistence, that it requires both rational logic and wild experimentation. The calculus of figuring out what will fit is something I can’t even begin to explain to him, so we left it at that. I’d already tried to explain why I only needed one bra- that it was like a pair of jeans that can be worn multiple times before needing to be washed. I finally just concluded that I’m kind of disgusting and so I wear the same bra every day.

I’m wearing the new bra as I write this, and am suddenly racked with second thoughts. The band feels way too tight. I may need to make a return trip to Kohl’s.