Cha-Cha Chocolate

It’s been well over six months since I bought any new clothes, unless you count replacing my running shoes a month or two back. But what with the current state of the world, I decided to indulge in some new lounge pants. I received some GAP joggers in the mail yesterday- just about two weeks after the day I ordered them. Their free shipping is somewhat slower then usual, I’m assuming due to COVID-related delays. Both pairs of pants are super soft, made of a thin, silky material- a modal/spandex blend. The size L Pure Body Modal Joggers in charcoal are fantastic. They have a high waist and scoop front pockets and I’m wearing them now. The size XL Truesleep Modal Joggers, also in charcoal, were too big, so I returned them. I printed out a free return label and scheduled a free USPS pickup (no post office visit required). I immediately went online to see if I could get a second pair of the size L Pure Body ones, but they only had size M left. While browsing, I realized that they had restocked the Truesleep ones in charcoal and black in a bunch of sizes. I pounced on a pair of black size L. This style has a drawstring waist and a slightly different cut, but are made from the same lightweight, silky material. There was no longer a 40% discount at this point, so I had to settle for 20% off and paid $27.20 for this pair (with free shipping).

It’s pretty surprising to me that I’m down to a size large, but I think GAP stuff tends to run a little big. I have no idea exactly where my weight stands at this point- the last time I was weighed in at the psychiatrist was Feb. 24th (2020). I clocked in at 168.6 lbs, down exactly 1.4 pounds in six weeks. Last week I had my first tele-medicine (video call) appointment with my psychiatrist, so there will be no more weigh-ins for the foreseeable future. I don’t own a scale and don’t have access to the one at the gym, plus I have no way of comparing another scale to the one at my doctor’s office, so I’ll be in the dark as far as any weight loss is concerned for some time. I’m definitely past the point of flying through pants every few weeks since my weight has barely been creeping down over the last several months. Plus it’s hard to say if my clothes fit any differently since all I wear are pajamas.

Without the structure of real pants, I’ve been trying to implement structure in other ways. I’ve deemed Sunday, my day off from exercise, my official cleaning day, and I have to say I really like it. It takes the pressure off all the other days, kind of like the scheduled weigh-ins took the pressure off of constantly wondering about my weight. So now on Sundays I wash sheets and towels, scrub the stove and kitchen sink, wash the dining room table, and give the toilet a good thorough cleaning. There’s something about cleaning a toilet that makes you feel like less of an invalid and more like a grownup. It’s quite therapeutic, if you can get past it being somewhat disgusting. I also do my own laundry and fold it up into little Marie Kondo squares and file it away, ready to start the new week. Finally, I fill up my pill cases and take stock of all my pill bottles and vitamins to see if I need to order more of anything.

It’s only been a few weeks of this, but it’s very satisfying to check off each task on my new-and-improved habit tracker. I’ve expanded from a one-page chart to a two-page spread in my bullet journal, leaving space on a third page for any specific events or accomplishments that need to be written in. I’ve gotten really explicit with all the little things I do every day or every week, from squeegee-ing the shower to wiping the crumbs off the counter after each meal. All the tasks are listed in the approximate order in which I complete them, which helps me stay on track throughout the day. I’d been feeling a lot like I was washing and drying dishes all day long and then wondering where the time went, so writing it all down makes me feel like I “get credit” for everything.

In creating this current incarnation of my habit tracker, I’ve also developed a more specific and fruitful “morning routine.” This term isn’t really accurate when you sleep until 1 or 2 in the afternoon, but bear with me. Once I wake up and check my phone to see what time it is, I immediately start making the bed (Matt’s already been up and working for hours). Once that’s complete, I open up the curtains and blinds to let the light in. Then I put on some socks and a sweater and turn the thermostat up to a normal level (I get really hot when I sleep and need the heat turned down to 64 at night so I don’t keep waking up sweating). I head to the bathroom and brush my teeth, then go straight to my pills and swallow them with a whole bottle of water. This is all before I even say “Good morning” to Matt in his office, just to make sure I don’t get distracted. This all may sound like a no-brainer to most people, but for me it’s a really proactive way to start the day.

The real sense of accomplishment I feel comes from brushing my teeth. Brushing twice a day and not just for a double session at night has been a real struggle for me for years, and a source of deep shame and self-loathing. The humiliation of not being able to take care of myself properly has weighed on me for a long time and I’ve only just this week found a way around it. Matt and I had to cancel our 6-month dental cleanings, and he expressed concern for my dental health while in quarantine and felt he had to encourage me to brush twice a day. His saying that really hit a nerve and I shut down the conversation for two days while it ate away at me.

Once I got past the shame and humiliation it brought up in me, I realized that my main issue with brushing in the morning was that the taste of minty toothpaste absolutely ruins the taste of my morning coffee, one of the great pleasures in my life (I spend hours drinking three cups to get my energy up for exercise). When I explained this to Matt, we went online and ordered three kinds of non-mint flavored toothpaste and it’s proved to be a miraculous solution to what seemed an insurmountable problem. We bought Tom’s of Maine Cinnamon and Clove toothpaste, a pediatric brand’s Cha-Cha Chocolate, and some dubious Italian brand created in 1905. The cinnamon is the clear winner here as it doesn’t interfere with my coffee enjoyment in the least and is far preferable to brushing your teeth with what tastes like a mouthful of hot cocoa (I know it sounds good in theory, but in practice it’s pretty gross). So every morning I get to check that “Brush Teeth” box on my chart, and for me, that’s a big deal.