Seasonal Capsules and Winter Accessories

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There seems to be a great divide when it comes to seasonal capsule wardrobes. Some people think storing away out-of-season clothing is a great idea, inherent to the capsule wardrobe concept. But devout followers of Marie Kondo and her The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up as well as many minimalists out there insist that it’s best to keep everything out all year. I definitely see the benefits and drawbacks of both ideas, and while I’ve always kept everything out all year, I’ve been thinking about experimenting with the seasonal storage approach. Marie Kondo says in her books that it’s unnecessary to store things away because when you have the right amount of clothing, you don’t need extra storage. I’d agree with this, and add that storing things away can lead to forgetting what you have, and then buying things you don’t need- especially when the season starts to change and you’re bombarded with summer sales announcements in your inbox. But I guess the main reason I’ve always done it this way is that I just like to know where every item I own is at all times. Maybe a bit obsessive, but that’s just how my brain works.

Now there are loads of people doing the seasonal capsule wardrobe instead of just a minimal wardrobe. Caroline Joy of the blog Un-fancy was one of the pioneers of the seasonal capsule concept that most people are familiar with online. She recommends a capsule of 37 pieces every 3 months, storing out-of-season clothing away for the rest of the year. But she also suggests a strict no-shopping policy for the 3 months of each season. Her idea is to only use the last 2 weeks of the season to shop for the following season, having assessed what you already have in storage. This sounds like a reasonable and deliberate approach that allows you to not stare at your bulky puffer coat every day of a blisteringly hot summer. I think this system also helps you touch base with your wardrobe and declutter as necessary, maybe even clearing things out at the end of each season when you’re most familiar with what worked and what didn’t. One other benefit to the seasonal storage idea is mentioned by Jennifer L. Scott, who introduced the Ten-Item Wardrobe in her book, Lessons from Madame Chic. She suggests that switching items out each season can make you feel like you’ve just gone shopping. I love this idea- seeing your seasonal items with fresh eyes could absolutely help with those “summer sale” urges. Why buy new items when you’ve just been reunited with an old favorite?

For the time being, I’m storing out-of-season sweaters and hats and gloves in my chest of drawers, where there’s plenty of room to do so. And so, for the final installment of my capsule wardrobe/minimalist closet inventory, here are my 8 winter accessories:

First are the 4 items for everyday wear:

1 grey cotton slouchy beanie

1 grey wool oversized beanie

1 blue velvet 1920s style flower hat

1 pair tan leather gloves (Lands’ End)

And then 4 more items for cold-weather exercise:

1 Under Armor striped grey and turquoise beanie

1 Old Navy grey fleece scarf

1 pair black Under Armor liner gloves

1 pair grey Under Armour flap mittens

(The scarves are in their own category, but to reiterate, I have 2 winter scarves: an oversized cashmere grey cable knit scarf and a blush Calvin Klein logo scarf.)

I bought the grey cotton slouchy beanie this year, but I’m afraid it’s been a mild failure. I was trying to replace the hand-knit wool beanie due to incessant fuzziness, but that’s proved difficult. I finally settled on the cotton one from TJ Maxx, but it’s just not warm enough, so now I have both. My other strategy with the wool hat’s fuzziness was to have at it with a depiller comb. Note to self: this does not work on chunky knits. In fact, it makes it worse. So then I carefully skimmed over it with my husband’s electric clippers. This gave acceptable results, so I ended up keeping the hat, but it seemed premature to get rid of the cotton one. The blue velvet hat is from a street vendor in Times Square. It’s my fancy winter hat. The leather gloves were a gift from my husband and have those fingertips where you can use your phone with your gloves on. I hesitated to wear them much this year out of fear of losing them, which is ridiculous. The running hat and scarf are both warm and easy to throw in the wash. The liner gloves go under the flap mittens, so you can just slip your fingers out of the flaps to change songs mid-run. I’m packing all these into the bottom drawer with the sweaters for now. We’ll see if I feel like I just went shopping when I pull them out next year.

What Do Minimalists Wear To Go Swimming?

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Maybe they just don’t go swimming? Or maybe they go naked or in their underwear? It’s a mystery to me. Personally, I do own swimwear. I guess I’d consider it a tiny seasonal capsule: a two-piece bathing suit, rash guard shorts and top, and neoprene swim shoes. This little ensemble was acquired last year when my husband and I were attempting to take a mini vacation. My parents have a little cottage in Cape Cod, and we’ve twice now attempted to take some time off there. The first time, we had an Ebay mishap and had to drive home (about an hour and a half) in order to ship a package in time. We returned to the cottage, but threw in the towel (so to speak) after another day or two. At the time I was feeling pretty bad, having akathisia and demanding of my husband a constant card game or round of scrabble. I was incapable of relaxing. Our second attempt was a little better. We did actually make it to the beach two or three times- and once we actually swam.

For this much-planned-for-but-barely-achieved swimming, I wore my bathing suit: pretty standard bikini bottoms with a folder waistband and a fitted camisole top with a flowy crochet overlay, all in navy blue. I also wore the swim shoes (there are lots of rocks and crabs at the Cape). On dry land, I wore the black rash guards over the top, both for modesty and for sun protection. The rash guards consist of a stretchy short-sleeve top, bought in way too large a size so it would be loose, and a pair of fitted mid-thigh shorts. I went through a lot when shopping for these items, ordering different sizes, returning them, finally settling on a suit from Amazon in a 2X. The top fits well and doesn’t ride up or anything, but the bottoms are designed for wider hips than mine. This just means the seat bags out a little bit unless I jack them up really high (not a good look for me). I tried and returned a blouson top and shorts set from Walmart which was really cute, but had a serious foam-cup shelf bra inside it, which I suspected would float even when I didn’t. Originally, I was trying to keep it simple and just go with the rash guards as my bathing suit, but I didn’t want a tight top which would roll up when I moved, and the loose top has the same issues with the foam bra top- it floats. In any case, I’m happy to see that the world of swimwear is finally catching on to the idea that not everyone wants to be wearing what looks like underwear at the beach. There are all kinds of swim shorts, skirts, dresses, and different styles of tops out there to choose from, in many different sizes. Plenty of people, plus-sized and straight-sized alike, love the traditional underwear-type looks and that’s all well and good. But for me, it never felt right. I mean, post-childhood, I wouldn’t even wear shorts until a couple years ago.

I’ve tried, over the past several years, to figure out the swimwear conundrum - how do I look like myself and still get to go swimming? I’ve gone through various styles of suit, some traditional, some less so. My last suit was just a stretchy tank and running shorts (with the little underwear inside) bought in haste from a Target in Virginia, where Matt was working, and where our building had a pool and hot tub. This worked well for that trip, but the chlorine pretty much destroyed the fabrics by the time we left. Before that, there was a black deep V-neck one-piece suit from the Gap. I got it on clearance and wore it in our building’s pool in Palm Beach, again where Matt was working. I never felt like it looked very good, at least not how I’d imagined it would, and so at some point it disappeared. Before that, I do recall a vintage-look suit from TJ Maxx in a deep teal. It had ruching throughout, so it masked my rolls of flesh and made me feel less exposed. That one didn’t hold up to the elements for very long, either, so it, too, disappeared. The last time before that that I remember owning a suit was in college when I cut a lavender leotard in half at the waist and wore that to the beach. And then there were my high school years: my freshman year, my family went to Mexico for a week, and I wore one of my bikinis from my early adolescence. I remember feeling like I was spilling out of it since my weight had increased a bit over the years, and I also remember bingeing on candy bars from the hotel gift shop alone in our room while everyone else was at the beach. The bikini was one of a couple suits that I wore when I was 10-12 years old. I’d lost a significant amount of weight since my chubby childhood, starting to diet and count calories when I was 9. Wearing a bikini seemed like a natural benefit to being thin. It never occurred to me that I might not want to show so much skin. So I acted like the people in the Dexatrim and Slim-fast ads on TV- I lost the weight and stripped down to my underwear. Wasn’t that the whole idea?

I’ve promised myself that I won’t do that again. I won’t expose myself simply because I’m thin. I truly believe that part of the impetus for my weight gain has been my subconscious’s attempt to protect me from all that: If I stay fat, then no one gets to look at me in my underwear. But now being fat and exposing your body aren’t mutually exclusive. Plenty of people love the more body-positive movement in swimwear, lingerie, and sexy clothes. But I’ve realized that fat or thin, I just like to be covered. I don’t like to be objectified or on display for everyone to see. Sure, I have bathing suit fantasies of being thin and on some tropical beach somewhere, but in reality, I need to feel clothed in order to feel like a person.

Travel Workout Routine and Jewelry

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It’s astonishing to me that despite my recent travels, I have yet to default on my workout routine. That said, not having access to a gym makes things a little different. Strength training happens inside our own apartment in what little floor space we have. We have two alternating workouts, which we do every other day, if that makes any sense. So, for instance, one week we do chest twice and back once, and the next week we do back twice and chest once, with cardio days in between. So we’ve kept the same routine here in Germany, but we’ve had to change the specific exercises. Chest day is simply push-ups (on my knees) and then squats. Back day is bicep curls with water bottles in a backpack, then squats, then “Superman holds.” That’s what I call the move where you get on your hands and knees and extend your left arm and right leg for 20 seconds, then switch sides and do the same. We still do 3 sets of everything, just like at the gym. After these mini strength workouts, we walk uphill in the park across the street. It just happens to have an upward climb that ends at a monument with lots of steps at the top. If we wander around a bit, it takes about the full required 10 minutes. Alternate days are simpler: We walk at the park for 5 minutes, run for 5 minutes, walk for 5, and run for 5 more. The uphill/downhill element changes pretty randomly, but psychologically I’ve accepted that it’s about the same as what I do at home. We’re also walking around a lot every day, so that helps me ignore any discrepancy between the home workout and the travel one.

Walking down the main drag here today, I stopped in a couple of shops with some lovely jewelry. I’m carefully considering whether to buy anything since I’m trying to maintain a pretty minimal jewelry collection. But it’s been my ritual to bring home one piece from each trip to Europe (my peacock earrings from Germany, my bird earrings from Paris) so I am considering it. I packed with me for this trip 4 items from my current collection: blue round glass studs, pink round glass studs, silver bent-wire hoops, and a brown beaded bracelet. I go through phases with jewelry, usually cycling through a few pieces for a few months at a time, and that’s what’s in the current rotation.

My complete collection consists of 27 pieces:

9 Earrings:

Blue glass studs: These were a gift from Matt’s mom, one of those randomly spot-on gifts that ends up becoming a favorite. I liked them so much that I went on Thredup and looked for some like them in another color.

Blush pink round glass studs: I found these on Thredup. I love how subtle they are.

Bent-wire silver hoops: These are from LOFT. I find them much edgier than what you’d expect from LOFT, but you never know where you’ll find things sometimes.

Gold mushroom-cap studs: These are from a beautiful gift shop in Providence called NAVA. I’m not sure they work on me- too yellow, perhaps?

White circle earrings: These are from Old Navy. I bought them when I needed some non-dangly earrings to wear to work at a coffee shop. Apparently the dangles might end up in a latte or something.

Blue dangly beaded earrings: These are from a random trip to Kohl’s with my mom. I’m sure a coupon was involved.

Aged brass painted bird earrings: These are from a Paris vintage shop. I lost one of the original coral beads, so I changed them out for jade green ones I got on Etsy. My husband made me a matching necklace out of the extra beads (see green wedding necklace).

Peacock dangly earrings: These are from our first trip to Germany in 2010. I got them at a fast fashion store called Pimkie.

Rhinestone drop earrings: These were found in the vacant apartment at my brother’s house where the tenant had left behind loads of stuff, including our current sofa and armchair.

5 Necklaces:

Grandma’s medals: These are little Catholic medals my Grandma gave me as a kid, all strung onto a long silver chain. My favorite is the tiny full-color Virgin Mary.

Blue tassel necklace: This was a gift from my mom one recent Christmas. I picked it out and she wrapped it.

Green wedding necklace: These beads were first strung onto a white ribbon, which I wore long at our wedding. Later I was afraid of the ribbon breaking over time, so we got some wire and a closure at a craft store and made a choker.

Tiny star necklace: This was a NYC garment district purchase. There are tons of these cheap jewelry places with loads of beads and things.

Rhinestone antique necklace: This was from Bee-bop-a-lula, the vintage shop of my high school days. I wore it for a number of formal singing occasions, including my senior voice recital.

3 Bracelets:

Brown beaded bracelet and Pink faceted beaded bracelet: These are both from a stack of bracelets that my mom picked out for me one Christmas in college. They created this great boho-style look with some other bracelets that have since departed due to weight gain.

White seed-bead bracelet: This is the one bracelet remaining from a stack my uncle got me for my senior recital. The others were pink and purple, not really my colors.

4 Brooches:

Turtle, Crown, Pointy star, Round star: These antique brooches were my grandmother’s, just some costume jewelry trinkets she gave me to play with when I was little. I love the tiny turtle one, but I wish it still had more of its stones.

6 Miscellaneous:

White stone ring: This was something I got at Forever 21 when I was looking for jewelry to wear with a red dress for my best friend’s wedding. I was a bridesmaid and she was kind enough to give me some red-stoned jewelry to wear, but I still hung on to this ring.

White faux-leather watch: This was from my working days at Brown University when it was just practical. I think it was from Target.

Turquoise clear-lensed glasses: These are definitely from Target, I think when Matt and I were in Miami for his work. I wear them when I need a bit of distance from the world.

Pink sequin clip: This might be called a “fascinator” or just a hair clip, but it has a little alligator clip on it, so I’ve used it to clip scarves as well.

Sunglasses: These were $3 from Job Lot, a ubiquitous discount store only in Rhode Island and Massachusetts. An absolute steal.

Necklace extender: I grabbed this in NY when I was there for a concert. It hadn’t occurred to me that my necklace wouldn’t fit since I’d gained weight, but apparently it has occurred to other people and they’ve solved the problem.

Over the past couple of years, I haven’t even bothered to wear jewelry very much. But much like my high-heel collection, I consider it “aspirational clutter” - things I don’t use now, but hope to as I get better. I have edited it down quite a bit to just my very favorite and very practical things, storing sentimental items away with mementos. It’s funny, a lot of times when I was getting dressed for a psychiatrist’s appointment, I might think to put earrings on, and then quickly change my mind. I’d think how doctors might look for clues like “patient is wearing jewelry” as evidence that you’re doing better. And I didn’t want to give anyone the impression that I was doing better than I really was. And so I wore jewelry just about never, almost as a protective measure. But maybe there’s a way to think of it as more protective to wear the jewelry than not. I’m thinking of those with punk or gothic inclinations who wear jewelry as a rejection of the mainstream, not as submission to it. Basically, I’d like to wear it on my own terms, not just in a traditionally feminine way.

Bikini Berlin

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I’ve been feeling like I should be doing more, seeing more of Berlin. I had this idea that coming here would change me, like in that movie Sabrina where she goes to Paris for the summer and gets a haircut and all of a sudden Greg Kinnear is smitten with her (I’m referring to the 90s remake, not the Audrey Hepburn classic). So I asked Matt to look for someplace interesting to window-shop, where we could get a coffee and see some of those famous Berlin hipsters. He found the perfect place: Bikini Berlin, where there are indy pop-up shops and a Japanese tea place. I realized that there surely wouldn’t be any plus size clothing to speak of, and I started having imaginary arguments in my head:

Me: Do you have any plus size clothes?

Hipster: No. If you were a vegan, you wouldn’t be so fat and you’d fit the smaller clothes.

Me: #?&*$!

Or…

Me: Do you have plus size clothes?

Hipster: No. It’s too expensive to make them, and most people are thin anyway.

Me: Actually, most people are plus-sized and you’re missing out on their money, which is much more expensive.

Hipster: (Scoffs)

In reality, I didn’t even ask anyone about plus size clothes because a) we can’t afford hipster clothes and b) we were too intimidated by most stores to even go in. I kept thinking someone would speak to me in German about how they don’t have my size and how I should just get out of the store. And Matt just didn’t even feel cool enough to go into the shoe store at all. We wondered how much business was actually being conducted at this little “mall” since most people seemed just as intimidated as we were and the shops themselves were pretty empty. We did go to the Japanese tea shop and consider buying some incense or some chopsticks that came with a little carrying case, but I somehow didn’t feel qualified to even do that. Everything was so pristine and beautiful, that I just didn’t feel allowed somehow. I wonder if these shop-owners only knew why they weren’t selling things, they might try to make their shops a bit more shopper-friendly.

The journey to Bikini Berlin involved a hike to the subway plus a transfer, and I was exhausted by the time we’d made the return trip. We’d also stopped off for a major purchase at a Home Depot-type store. We bought a small electric fan. Everyone around here seems to just put up with the heat- no AC, no fans anywhere. I feel like making a public service announcement that they don’t need to live this way. At the very least, my fellow heatstroke sufferers, get a fan! It was 17.99 Euros (about $20) for something from China we had to assemble ourselves- pretty expensive in my mind, and very difficult to track down. But boy, was it worth it. I promptly parked myself in front of it on the floor of our apartment and basked in all its electricity-wasting glory. But emotionally, I was spent. Our little outing wasn’t exactly easy for me, plus I’d indulged in sweetened iced coffee, throwing off my calories for the day. This always stresses me out- I don’t know why I do it. We’d planned to head back out for a coffee and some work, but I reassessed and admitted I couldn’t do it. My husband went out for groceries and I collapsed with some YouTube. When he got back, I came clean about how I really wasn’t doing well and was probably headed for a major meltdown. Matt talked me down and we came to the conclusion that maybe I was aiming too high. Maybe the point of me being here was simply for us to be together while he had his business meetings. Maybe just getting through my usual routine from home was enough. I cried about my sense of deprivation with the food and my intense urges to binge. We talked about how keeping the food on track was just as important as taking my pills in terms of my mental health. We made a plan that if things started to get really bad for me, I would just go home. Our last trip to Germany ended early for me, but there was a lot of suffering before I left. Matt told me this time he would not watch me go through that. I’d just go home and back to my normal routine. We watched a terrible TV show and ate a healthy dinner.

I know I’ve talked about this Sabrina-syndrome before, but it keeps popping up. I feel like I’ve hardly seen the city and that it would be a shame to miss out on Berlin. But every time I try to push myself, I regret it. Maybe just coming on this trip was enough of a push. Just functioning in a foreign city is enough of an accomplishment for now. I’m on track with food, with exercise, with my pills, with my writing. The desire to do more makes me absolutely infuriated- I really feel capable of so much more than this- but the reality is, I’m limited. My mental illness is real, and the effects are real. I have to accept it.

We Have a Washer.

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It’s true: Our tiny little Air BnB has a washing machine in the kitchen where an oven would normally be. I fully respect this prioritization considering how sweltering it is in Berlin right now, and also considering that air conditioning is not par for the course in Germany the way it is in the States. We’ve been in the apartment for 4 days now, and we are currently on our 4th load of laundry. Absurd, I know. But there were the airplane clothes which were above and beyond the point of being soiled, and then the 4 days of workout clothes we’ve been through. Not to mention how we’ve been sweating through everything we wear, sometimes 2 T-shirts a day, plus that our pants aren’t holding up to several days of wear the way they were at home in the 60-70 degree weather. Now there’s no dryer- everything has to hang dry on one of those giant Ikea fold-out drying racks. It takes up half of the apartment when it’s being used but it’s so worth it to have clean clothes without wasting whole days at the laundromat. We’ve even been enjoying ironing our stuff on the mini ironing board- it feels like we’re camping, or Amish, or something. But even with this exciting development, I don’t feel I’ve overpacked. I’ve made a chart in my bullet journal tracking everything I wear and on what day so that I can get a proper tally of how useful different items were. I’m fairly certain that a few items won’t be making an appearance- the cashmere sweater for one. Actually, that might be it. I’ve already worn the fleece for working out, the hoodie on a rainy night, and I keep wearing the corduroy shirt on my way out, only to end up stuffing it in my backpack soon after. Both my boots and Adidas sneakers have proven sufficiently comfortable to walk in for hours at a time. We’ll see if I went overboard with pants and tops, though I of course had no idea there would be a washer when I packed, so there’s bound to be less need for the full rotation.

We’ve hit a number of cafes so far, some more laptop-friendly than others. And only some have wifi- often you have to just link to your phone’s “hotspot.” But my German language skills are creeping up out of the caverns of my mind, despite not having studied in preparation for this trip at all. I can say what I need to in order to get coffee or food, but usually don’t understand anything people say to me in response. Then we play a little charades, or they’ll come out with perfect English, and it all works out. A lot of words come to me out of nowhere, but never at the appropriate time. I read signs well enough to get the gist of things, but that’s about where it ends. I do feel a much more comfortable in my fumbling German than I did on our first three trips here, and once you remove the panic, it does become easier to communicate. Matt’s much better than I am, having actually studied for years longer than I have, plus he keeps up with it better- even preparing for this trip every day for the month prior.

But so far, sitting in these cafes, I look around at my surroundings and wonder, “What’s the difference between doing this here and doing this at home?” I cried to Matt the other night that I didn’t see the point in being here. That I’m just still too depressed to enjoy things that other people do. But the truth is, it’s not that different from home. We’re still doing grocery shopping, exercising, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, and going to the cafe. We’re not on some hedonistic vacation where we eat out every meal and have the maid clean our room while we’re out. We’re just doing what we usually do at new places, in a unique city. And Matt’s getting some meetings for work, which is the real priority, not me. I still have to eat the same number of calories every day, I still have to exercise, I still have to try and figure out what I’m trying to do with my life. I brought my little poetry/songwriting notebook with me but have yet to touch it. I have my nice camera on my new phone, but have yet to take a picture. Scratch that, I have been tracking my outfits with it. But I’m not really sure how to proceed. I expected to feel different on this trip. I expected to feel happier, more creative. I expected to understand why people go out to eat when it’s just a waste of money. I expected to understand people attending a street fair on the holiday weekend, drinking and talking and looking around. I expected to feel normal. Like someone who’s not depressed. But I feel the same.

I have noticed some fashionable people on the streets. I’ve seen high-waisted trousers and straight-leg jeans and bohemian-style dresses and retro 90s T-shirts. These are things I don’t see at home. I see people sitting lined up outside the restaurants in their bistro chairs, people-watching, like in Paris. I see copies of German Vogue, and a magazine I’ve never heard of- “The Skirt Chronicles” or something like it. And I see snippets of English on signs at cafes, on posters, in menus. If I continue to focus on these little things, keep breaking it down into little pieces, maybe I can feel something. So far, not much is coming through. The depression is like a wall around me, cancelling out sights and sounds, keeping me staring at the dark.

The Epic Trek to Berlin

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Let’s just start by saying that despite having a nearby airport, we started our journey a full 7 hours before even getting on a plane. It was cheaper to fly from Boston, which is over an hour away, but the main issue was that our flights from Providence kept getting changed and then cancelled. So we got a ride from my mom to the commuter rail, then took the “subway” (really a glorified bus called the Silver Line) to the airport with enough time to check our (one) bag and get through security. I was wearing my boots that lace up pretty high, plus a belt, since everyone knows you’re supposed to wear your heaviest items on the plane. This made going through security even more of a hassle than usual, but it was Matt’s backpack that got hand-searched. Dinner was $32 worth of raw vegetables and dressing, plus a string cheese. Oh, and Matt got a little cheese plate thingy. I split my Latuda in half, knowing I wouldn’t be able to sleep on the plane and not wanting to experience any akathisia. Once on the plane, I downed it with 2 Larabars and the rest of my pills. By the time we got to Iceland at what was 2 in the morning for us, I felt delirious. I sent Matt for an iced coffee while I waited with the bags and we were both freaking out at how long the coffee was taking with our plane already boarding and no way to contact each other (our phones stop working once we cross over). And I had 4 bags instead of 3 because the under-the-seat-in-front-of-you space was much smaller than usual on Iceland Air and we had to redistribute stuff from our backpacks into my emergency carry-on bag. It’s this extremely thin but surprisingly strong Urban Outfitters freebie bag that thank god I had stashed in my backpack for just such an emergency. I had expected to use it at the baggage check where you never know what they’re going to weigh- carry-ons and personal items included- and transfer stuff from the possibly overweight suitcase, Matt’s carry-on, or the backpacks. You hear a lot of advice on packing that says to roll your clothes or use packing cubes and all that’s well and good, but the real trick is keeping everything underweight. I could easily fit 65 pounds in a suitcase, but they only allow 50 before the astronomical fees come into play.

By the time we got to Berlin, I couldn’t tell you what was in which bag and that’s not normal for a control freak like me. We succumbed to getting a taxi from the airport to our hotel rather than the subway and a bus and a walk. For some reason, adding a night or two to our month-long stay at an Air BnB was going to cost like $800, so we got a hotel for the first and last nights. Upon arrival, we crashed into sleep for about 4-5 hours. I don’t think I’d gone all night without sleep since college, or since the last time we did this, so I was feeling rough. We got up around 7pm German time (6 hours ahead) and went out to a very nice dinner. I got a Caesar salad with chicken, and the chicken was deep-fried in Panko. There was a lot of creamy dressing, cheese, and croutons involved, too. Since it was my only meal of the day, I let myself go and ate most of it, hoping I’d come in under 2,000 calories. I took my Latuda as soon as we got back to our room and went right back to bed. The next morning we - no joke- went to the fitness center and worked out. I had rearranged our routine so that Thursday was a planned day off, but Friday was on again and by god, we did it. I took a cold shower (Germans aren’t as shameless with their AC as we are in the States) and tried to reassemble our luggage. We’d already thrown all of our travel clothes into a laundry bag to be burned later, so I stuffed that into the magical Urban Outfitters bag, filled in all the nooks and crannies in the suitcase, and gathered all our chargers and devices. All this on no coffee and no food. We checked out, grabbed a taxi to our Air BnB (where they let us in early) and stood on the street with our luggage for about 15 minutes or so. The owner/manager zipped up on his bicycle and let us in where I was openly underwhelmed. Matt commented later that he doubts whether an Air BnB cleaning fee has ever actually been put to use. The place is tiny, but excellently located near the heart of Kreuzberg. It’s coffee shop Mecca, and that was our first stop before the supermarket. We only had a fifty-Euro bill on us at the coffee shop, but the owner said we could just come back to pay when we had change, which of course we did- with a tip for his kindness. Back at the apartment, Matt mopped the floors and cleaned the kitchen while I wiped down every Ikea surface in the place. After a nap and a frantic search for pre-paid cell phones (my old SIM card stopped working), we unpacked our clothes into the one slim wardrobe and this weird red shelf. I just left everything rolled up, so it works like a filing system (see photo). Today we slept until 1pm, went for a run/walk in the park across the street and are currently imbibing our second coffee of the day. Everyone here seems to speak English, but I’m pretty chuffed that we’re not automatically dubbed as Americans and spoken to in English first- the way they do in Paris. Here they speak to us in German first, and considering the diversity here, I think we might even pass as locals. So far, so good.

Getting a Haircut

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I’m pretty low-maintenance when it comes to my hair. I usually just throw it up in a ponytail or a bun and pretend it doesn’t exist. Sometimes if I sleep on it the right way and I’ve washed it the night before, it settles into ringlets which I look at in the mirror for about 30 seconds before throwing it up in a bun. And washing my hair is a chore. Right now it’s pretty long, so I pull fistfuls of long hair out of it every time I get it wet. When I actually use shampoo and conditioner, I comb through it with a wide-bristled brush and end up with even larger fistfuls of hair to extract from my hands by sticking them to the shower wall. My hair is currently in quite a state because I ran out of conditioner and combed through it without it. This was not wise. I’m almost afraid I have bald spots from so much hair pulling out. Aside from brushing it through in the shower (usually with conditioner), I do not brush or style my hair. The last time it was cut, I did it myself in the shower and was fairly reckless. I flipped my hair upside down, twisted it into a single ponytail, and hacked away at the ends. I was in no mood at the time to see a professional for this task. I’m typically pretty unfazed by haircuts as it usually ends up in a vaguely layered style, often “blown out” and straightened by the stylist so I have no idea what it will look like in real life. I’m usually unimpressed.

When I was in my twenties, I “buzzed” off all of my super-long hair and then went through various awkward stages of regrowth. I never felt bad about how it looked, but it never thrilled me either. And then years later there was one haircut I got in New York (for which I paid about $200) by some celebrity hair stylist. It was in a fancy apartment downtown, and he had a glamorous assistant giving the place a professional air. He really talked to me about what I wanted, trying to get a real feel for it. And the haircut I ended up with was fantastic. It was a long bob (or lob as it’s now called) that could be parted on either side and required little to no maintenance. Sometimes I’d put a little product in the roots and muss it up to give my curls a little edge. It was the perfect cut, even when I straightened it for auditions. But $200 is a lot for a haircut and New York is now hours away, so I’ve settled for random stylists who all pretty much do the same thing. But since my self-cut in the shower was even less impressive than what the pros do, I’ve booked an appointment to get a haircut the day before we leave for Berlin. I’m not worried- in fact, I’d be thrilled if the stylist does something crazy. And just to make sure she does, I’ve been hunting for pictures online of haircuts I like. I searched “choppy curly hair,” “edgy curly hair,” “curly lob,” “inverted bob,” and various combinations of those words. Let me start with the fantasy photos. These are looks I wish my hair agreed with, but I’m unlikely to achieve without serious styling and maintenance. Here’s the first one:

This is how I would love to look- modern and badass and pretty intimidating. But I doubt my hair would do that.

And then there’s the fantasy of getting bangs:

These all look like styles for wavy hair, not curly ringlets like mine.

There is this one photo of bangs that looks like my hair, but since I’m not a supermodel, it might not look quite right on me:

This is what my hair usually ends up looking like, just not as good:

And then these are the pictures I’m left with:

Apparently this style is called an “inverted bob” or “inverted lob” where the hair is longer in front than in back. I think this angled cut will give me that bit of badass-ness I crave, but still work with my hair’s natural texture and curl. I hope the stylist is up to the task- it is a really nice salon. I’ve been there before- once to get a “Deva-Curl” cut where the stylist actually knows how to cut curly hair and I got a somewhat better-than-usual result, and once with a “beginner” (cheaper) stylist who just did the usual. Maybe using real hair terminology like “inverted lob” will help get me what I want- or maybe the pictures will get the idea across. I did request someone who “can cut curly hair,” so it’ll surely be pricier than the beginner cut. But hopefully I’ll get a little boost from a new style, just in time to start our trip.

Mood Update and Painting Clothes

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I’ve been getting a lot of foot rubs from my husband. This is a sure sign that I’ve been crying a lot in the afternoons. Well, I guess late afternoon and early evening to be specific. And night time doesn’t always get any better. I have a really hard time relaxing- even watching TV feels like work. I was so relieved when the akathisia finally went away, but now things are not so good again. I had talked to my psychiatrist about this a while back, and we discussed behavioral solutions to the mood drop. I really did think it was situational and not medication-related, so I sought out adult education courses and tried to go to the library or ride my bike to the cafe for a second round of writing. None of these options materialized, mostly because I have no motivation when I get home from the first visit to the cafe. Having written and typed a blog, or worked on photos, or done some editing, or all of the above, I just want to relax when I get home between 4 and 5pm. Exercise is usually in the morning/midday when I wake up, and then I shower, eat breakfast, and get dressed. And for me, the exercise, basic self-care, and writing at the cafe amounts to a full day for me. And so what do I do when I’m done for the day? Sometimes I’ve tried to just keep working, and that can help, but I don’t usually have the energy for that. What ends up happening most of the time is I lay down in our bedroom with the curtains drawn, thinking and dozing, and then usually end up wide awake with horribly negative thoughts. Then the crying starts, my husband tries to comfort me, I take a Klonopin, and I might end up getting an intensely painful foot massage (it helps with the emotional pain). This combination of Klonopin and foot rubs will calm me down, but fill me with guilt and remorse for being such a burden, and just such a downer in general. My husband never gets to relax since I can’t relax. And so he’s run ragged taking care of me, picking up my slack (doing chores, etc.), all while trying to get his work done, manage the house, plan business trips, look for future work, and work his “day job” tutoring at a local college. So if there’s something I can do to improve the evenings, I’m eager to find it. My great hope right now is that in Berlin I’ll be able to walk to a cafe twice a day instead of just once. There are so many coffee shops in walking distance that it just doesn’t seem like as big a deal to go out again in the late afternoon. Maybe at that time I could just listen to an audiobook or read books on my computer. But for the time being, I’m just watching YouTube in the dark to get through. There’s something so soothing about watching those incredibly detailed clothing reviews and styling tips. Now mornings- mornings are good in general. I can be silly and laugh hysterically with my husband, and I’m just more game for things.

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Today we went to the dump to get rid of a broken air conditioner. Our last tenant left it in a recycling bin while moving out, which thoroughly confused us, but it probably just indicates simple ignorance. Before I owned a home, it never occurred to me that you actually have to pay money to get rid of trash. We do have free (tax-funded) curbside pickup for household garbage here, but for construction projects we’ve hired dumpsters or paid by the pound at the dump. And so we made the 25 minute trek to the state landfill/recycling center and paid $12 to get rid of it. I went along on this little trip to try to ensure that my husband did not throw his back out right before our trip lifting said air conditioner on his own. I think it worked.

But when doing such chores, I’ve learned to wear appropriate clothing. That doesn’t mean leggings for the gym or the jacket you wear to work. Clothes can really get wrecked from cleaning, painting, and any kind of heavy lifting (stains and snags are common). And so I have a small capsule of “painting clothes” reserved especially for such occasions. They’ve already made an appearance in anticipation of painting and cleaning our rental apartment between tenants (we had a new tenant move in on June 1st).

The painting clothes capsule’s 11 items consist of:

1 pair old sneakers

1 pair rubber boots

2 pairs old socks

1 pair skinny jeans

1 pair pajama shorts

2 T-shirts

1 long-sleeved thermal top

1 zip-up hoodie

1 fleece-lined vest

This little assortment of things allows me to paint or deep clean in warm or cold weather, rake leaves, shovel snow (with a coat and hat), move furniture, tile bathrooms, and mow the lawn if need be. Now my husband does take care of most of these things the past couple of years due to my depression, but I hope to be able to chip in more and more like I used to. And I realize a lot of people out there have “people” to do such things, but we’re landlords of a 3-family house and do a lot of home improvements on our own. We gutted our own apartment, insulated our own walls, framed walls, skimcoated walls, tiled two bathrooms and our kitchen backsplash, poured our own shower floor, installed our own kitchen cabinets, installed our own molding, built our own vanity out of a dresser from Craigslist, and have painted just about every inch of the 3-story Victorian, ten-foot walls, ceilings, hallways and all. While these clothing items might not fit into a “real” minimalist’s backpack, they are utterly necessary for me.

Official Packing List for Germany

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We’re less than a week out from our month-long trip to Berlin, Germany and the pressure’s on. We have a new tenant moving into our 3rd floor apartment (we live on the first floor) in 2 days and have some DIY to get done tonight and tomorrow before she arrives. We still have errands to run, medications to procure, and packing to do. While the weather here has cooled down since that one day I wore shorts, the weather in Berlin is heating up to 88 degrees this week, so I’m not sure what to expect when we get there. I need to be prepared for 52 degrees at night to 72 degrees some days to apparently 88 degrees on others. I’ve deliberated on this and I think I’ve decided to bring a few cold weather things and then count on T-shirts and two pairs of shorts for any heat waves. Packing for a month is no small feat, but I do try to keep in mind that it’s not that different than packing for a week- there is a laundromat nearby. And it’s always good to remind myself that they do have stores in Germany if I forget something or my clothes get lost by the airline. So here’s where it stands (the starred* items are what I’ll wear on the plane):

Pants/Shorts:

  • Blue men’s pants and black leather belt*

  • Grey men’s pants

  • Grey joggers

  • Grey linen pants

  • 2 Black shorts

Shoes:

  • Logger Boots*

  • Running shoes

  • Adidas sneakers

Tops:

  • 1 Hanes light blue tee*

  • 3 ASOS black/white/grey tees

  • 2 Gap Factory black tees

  • 2 Gap Factory navy tees

  • 2 J. Crew navy tees

Layers:

  • Navy blue hoodie*

  • Tan anorak jacket

  • Green corduroy shirt

  • Grey cashmere sweater

  • White lightweight scarf

Underwear:

  • 9 pairs underwear

  • 2 white sports bras

  • 4 lace bralettes

Socks:

  • 6 Puma black workout socks

  • 6 Puma white ankle socks

  • 3 Solid crew socks

  • 3 Marled crew socks*

Pajamas:

  • 4 Blue pocket tees

  • 4 Grey (workout) tees

  • 4 jersey shorts

Workout:

  • Under Armor leggings

  • Navy Danskin leggings

  • Black Calvin Klein cropped leggings

  • 2 black sports bras

  • Grey zip-up fleece

Jewelry:

  • Blue round glass studs

  • Pink round glass studs

  • Silver bent-wire long hoops

  • Brown beaded stretch bracelet

Toiletries:

  • Tweezers

  • Nail clippers

  • Razor and blades

  • Tinkle razor

  • Electric clippers

  • La Roche-Posay sunblock (trying to use up)

  • Elta MD sunblock (new)

  • Vichy stick sunblock (for working out) (similar here)

  • Eczema cream (in a smaller bottle)

  • Medicated shampoo

  • Mini toothpaste

  • Mini toothbrush

  • Electric toothbrush and charger

  • Deodorant

Miscellaneous:

  • Hanging laundry rack

  • Vodka spray

  • Stain remover spray

  • Water bottle

  • Coffee cone and filters

  • 2 Cloth bags

  • Large grocery bag

  • Passport

  • Purse

  • Sunglasses

Medications (41 days’ worth to be safe):

  • Atypical anti-psychotic

  • Mood stabilizer

  • Antidepressant 1

  • Antidepressant 2

  • Thyroid medication

  • Blood sugar regulator

  • Anti-anxiety medication

  • Pain reliever (in case of menstrual cramps)

  • Anti-viral medication (in case of cold sores)

Vitamins:

  • Calcium

  • Magnesium

  • B-12

  • Fish Oil

  • Vitamin D

  • Melatonin

Electronics:

Books:

  • Latest notebook and 2 blanks

  • Poetry notebook and 1 blank

  • Bullet journal

  • Meds calendar

  • Crossword puzzle book

I think that about covers it. I’m not bringing any makeup- just sunblock and moisturizer, which is all I normally use. No hair appliances either- I’m strictly a drip-dry gal. No paper books- although I have several on Kindle and Audible, as well as music on iTunes and in the cloud. And I should explain my strategy with pajama/workout tees: I’ll wear one to bed and then just keep it on to work out in the next morning, like I do at home. That way, 8 tees is plenty in that department. Otherwise, workout gear is a little tough. I will have to hand wash bras and leggings every day or two in order to give them time to dry and still have a fresh set the next day. I did something like this on our last trip to Germany and it worked fine. Not something I’d want to do at home, but for the month it’s fine. Some perhaps strange items you may be wondering about on the toiletries list: A Tinkle brand razor is a facial straight-razor for my lovely little chin-hairs that pop out once in a while. Vodka spray is a genius little trick I learned from a costume designer- it’s (odorless) straight vodka and gets the smell out of not-so-fresh clothes you don’t have a chance to wash. Great for the airport after a long flight. A hanging laundry dryer is just that- three levels of mesh for flat drying that you can hang on a standard closet rod, and it folds up into a small, lightweight circle about 8 inches across for traveling. An absolute dream of a gadget (I got mine on Amazon) if you have hand washing to do. And a European voltage converter is different from a simple plug adapter; it actually steps the voltage down from 220 volts down to our U.S. standard of 110 volts. Make sure you have one of these when abroad so you don’t set your hair dryer on fire. And then there are a number of things we’ll buy when we get there: shampoo, conditioner, soap, face wash, tissues, toilet paper, mouthwash, and toothpaste. We’ll get groceries and dish soap for the kitchen, which will save us a lot of money from eating out- did I even mention we’re staying in an Air BnB with a kitchen? And aside from all that, we’re fancy-free for a month in Berlin. My husband will be traveling by train for meetings and the like, but I’m at my leisure to blog, take photos, and explore the city. That sounds really great when I put it that way, but I do have to take into account my fluctuating moods. There may be days where I’m holed up in our studio apartment, unable to deal with speaking German or being out and about in public on my own. But being able to stay in one place for the duration is a definite advantage when it comes to keeping my routines in place. And hopefully, if I stay on my meds and keep up the daily exercise, I’ll be able to enjoy myself in a new-to-me city. And looking for a new-to-me pair of men’s pants (to replace my too-big blue ones) in the many nearby thrift stores will make me feel right at home.

The Quest For Ethical/Sustainable Plus Sizes

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The Cloud Tee by And Comfort

The Cloud Tee by And Comfort

I’ve been going over this white T-shirt purchase in my mind. Did I pull the trigger on the fast-fashion ASOS one too quickly? Should I have searched further for an ethical/sustainable brand to buy from? And so I started doing some research to see what my options would have been. I found two lists of plus-size ethical/sustainable brands online: one on a site called ecocult.com (the article is called Why Aren’t There More Ethical and Sustainable Plus-Size Brands?) and the other on a site called goodonyou.eco (8 Brands Bringing You Beautiful, Ethical, and Sustainable Plus-Size Clothing). Twenty-one listings in all with a few on both lists. I went to every single site in search of a crew-neck white T-shirt in a 2X. I eliminated brands which had no official claim to ethical/sustainable standards (Levi’s, for example) as well as some that just don’t make anything resembling a white T-shirt. I took into account which sizes were actually available as well as whether the style of T-shirt was what I had in mind (a relaxed fit). And of course, I looked at prices. Out of the 21 brands, I’ve come up with 4 options, 2 of which would be within my budget. I’ve ranked those four options here: In 4th place is a questionable one. For $12 at Marks and Spencer of the UK, I was surprised to find an option in size US 20. The Good On You site had Marks and Spencer listed (the Good On You app specifically rates companies based on their ethics/sustainability), so I kept it on the list, but I do wonder if it’s too good to be true. It is made of 65% polyester, which doesn’t sound very sustainable. In 3rd place is Eileen Fisher who does a beautiful boxy tee in organic cotton up to 3X, but that costs $88. Knowing how quickly I wear through T-shirts (especially white ones, ahem, pit stains), I could not justify or literally afford to spend almost $90 for one. Maybe one day. In 2nd place is another pricey one, the Mia T-shirt from Alice Alexander at $70. It comes in sizes up to 4X, but again, was out of my budget. And so in 1st place I’ve put the Cloud Tee in Nimbus (white) from And Comfort. It is ethically and sustainably made in Pima cotton and has a relaxed fit which I find ideal. It also appears to be relatively thick and not too see-through. I had never heard of this company before- they’re very small and only have a handful of styles- but I was pleasantly shocked at how affordable they are. Be sure to check out the site. Now if you want the gritty details of the other contenders, here is a list:

Elizabeth Suzann- Goes up to 4XL- White T-shirt: only silk or linen, $145-$175

Pact- Goes up to XXL in some items- White T-shirt: Only XL, $30

Encircled- Goes up to XXL- White T-shirt: no crew neck tee, V-neck is $88

*Marks and Spencer- Goes up to US 20- White T-shirt: $12*

Girlfriend Collective- Goes up to XXXL- White T-shirt: none

Ace & Jig- Goes up to 2X- White T-shirt: none

Alternative Apparel- Goes up to 2X- White T-shirt: no white tee, only prints $18-$28 Other style in white: only XL $38

Mara Hoffman- Goes up to 2X- White T-shirt: none

Conscious Clothing- Goes up to XXL- White T-shirt: only linen, $130

*Eileen Fisher- Goes up to 3X- White T-shirt: $88*

Day/Won- Goes up to 5X- White T-shirt: none

Hackwith Design House- Goes up to +4- White T-shirt: fitted tee $70, dolman sleeve tee $90- neither is the style I had in mind

Tuesday Bassen- Goes up to 5X- White T-shirt: Piped ringer tee (colored trim-no plain white) $45

Reformation- Goes up to US 24 in certain items- White T-shirt: none

Bud Press- Goes up to Unisex 5X- White T-shirt: none

Kirrin Finch- Goes up to XL in T-shirts- White T-shirt: Blue Patch pocket (sold out above XS) $45

Smart Glamour- Goes up to 12X- White T-shirt: cropped tee $30- not the style I had in mind

*And Comfort- Goes up to 4X- White T-shirt: $40*

*Alice Alexander- Goes up to 4X- White T-shirt: $70*

My first instinct when looking for a good, thick white T-shirt was to try Organic Basics, a brand that gets a lot of press from minimalists on YouTube and blogs. Since bras, underwear, and T-shirts are items which are tough to thrift and tend to wear out frequently, I thought it might be a good resource in my little quest. I was nonplussed to discover that their items come in sizes XS-XL, an improvement over their previous sizing: XS/S and M/L, but not enough to fit me. Size inclusivity is clearly not a priority for them, as I find with most ethical/sustainable brands I hear about. It’s a shame, because their thick white tee is exactly what I’m looking for, and goes for a reasonable $39.

Now if I had done this research before ordering an ASOS tee, I still don’t know if I could have justified $40 for a T-shirt when I’m still in the midst of losing weight. Knowing it would be too big in a matter of weeks or months might have swayed me to go with the $9.50 ASOS one anyway. Marks and Spencer does come in at a comparable $12, but I have no way of knowing how see-through that shirt is or what Marks and Spencer’s idea of a US 20 is. The polyester blend is kind of a deal-breaker anyway. While I’m glad to have more information for future shopping, I’m also unsure as to whether it would have changed my final decision this time.

So What, I Bought a T-Shirt

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50 shades of grey…

I finally decided to buy a new white T-shirt. It’s one of those things that’s nearly impossible to thrift, especially in the limited plus size section at most thrift stores. And I feel I’ve paid my dues in trying to salvage the old ones. First I pulled the old Gap Factory ones out of storage. They were worn out and see-through, so I doubled them up. I’ve been wearing the two shirts layered like this for a while, but I think I’ve finally come to the point where they’re just too worn and dumpy looking to wear. They’re still a bit see-through, even with two of them on, and I’m just not comfortable with my skin (and my bra) showing through.

And then there was the DIY with an old LOFT swing tee. This one had yellow pit stains, but they weren’t too noticeable. It was otherwise in good shape. But I hated the shape- short in front, long in back. So I put elastic through the hem of the shirt, attempting to create a blouson effect. This actually kind of worked, but the real problem was how short the shirt was in front. I wore it a few times with the elastic in and just kept feeling like my belly was too close to being exposed.

So, with a month-long trip to Germany coming up, I decided to just give it up and buy a new T-shirt. I ordered the very same ASOS T-shirt that came in the 3-pack with my black and grey ones (you can buy them individually for $9.50 plus $4.99 with shipping). If you’ve been reading along for a while now, you’ll remember the White T-Shirt Disaster with the original one. I wore it with some very fancy deodorant from Dr. Hauschka (the rose-scented one) and it left huge grey stains all over the armpit area. The stains were very noticeable, so the T-shirt was destined for the rag pile. It may seem strange that I’ve ultimately decided to just replace it with the identical one, but I’m no longer using that deodorant for fear of it ruining other shirts. I’ve been using a standard anti-perspirant deodorant (with aluminum in it) that works a lot better anyway. And that particular white T-shirt is just so good. It’s thick enough that it’s not see-through at all, and it’s nice and soft and has a high (but not too tight) neckline. It’s kind of an athletic look, which I’m really favoring right now when worn with my joggers and Adidas sneakers.

And speaking of Adidas sneakers, I accidentally bought a back-up pair of identical sneakers at TJ Maxx yesterday. I was only there because my husband needed a 3-pack of Calvin Klein crewnecks, but at the last minute I decided to look at the underwear. I have 9 pairs, but if we’re strictly doing laundry once a week while we’re in Germany, I guess a couple extra pairs would help get me through. With working out 6 days a week, plus walking around in the sun, I sometimes go through 2 pairs a day, so I justified the purchase in my mind. They didn’t have anything in my size, but as I was walking towards the underwear section, something in the shoe section caught my eye: a pair of identical-to mine, black and white striped Adidas faux-Superstars. They don’t have the official rubber clamshell at the toe, and I can verify that they fit quite differently than the real from-the-Adidas-website sneakers. I’ve been wearing the ones I already had pretty frequently lately, though quite gingerly, for fear of getting them dirty or wearing them out too quickly (they’re not particularly well-made). And so a second pair has been on my mind, as back-up for when mine wear out. I first went on a “quest” with my mom to a nearby store, then with my husband back to the original store, then to another, and finally to one more. Four stores and no luck in my size. And then just walking by the size 8 section of the shoes back at the original store, they appeared. I hesitated. I had emotionally let go of buying a second pair. I refused to pursue them at any more distant TJ Maxxes, and decided to leave it to fate what sneakers I’d wear when the first pair wore out. But here I was, faced with the very thing I’d looked for so ardently. And so I bought them. Buying multiples is a frequent strategy for me, being such a picky shopper. So I guess I shouldn’t be surprised at this little splurge. But it does reveal a mild hoarding tendency that I do battle when shopping.

And then my purchases seemed to fuel a little shopping-fever for the next couple of days. I was able to resist, but it’s funny how that rush of dopamine can get addictive so quickly. I hope I can be strong, especially when I’m in Berlin and surrounded by things you can’t get at home.

Decluttering: Where Does It All Go?

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This is our local Savers. I counted four massive trailer containers in addition to the huge trash compactor, all presumably full of overflow donations.

As I’ve recently decluttered my closet, I’ve been trying to decide what to do with my cast-offs (the thrift store seems like a bad idea; supposedly only 10% of donations make it into the thrift store). The stuff that’s in decent shape, I’ve been planning to sell on Ebay. But then I started considering sending everything into Thredup. I’ve sold clothes to Thredup before, when I was shopping my local thrift stores for hidden gems- mostly upscale and designer items. I made a bunch of money this way. But Thredup has changed a lot over the last couple of years, and the payouts aren’t nearly so hefty. Plus the clothes I have to sell now are not expensive to begin with. Most of my things, according to Thredup’s “Payout Estimator,” would only get $.50-$1.00 if I sent them in. But going with Thredup means not having to go through photographing and listing them on Ebay, which can be tedious. And they would have a chance of finding a good home, probably more so than if I donated to the local thrift store. One issue I have with Thredup, however, is that they typically only “accept” for resale about 40% of each bag you send in. They claim the remainder is “reused or recycled responsibly,” but they do not elaborate on what that means. So whether I do Ebay or Thredup, there are bound to be some clothes that have nowhere to go. Some of my things are worn beyond use, and can’t be resold at all. And then some might just be overlooked or unwanted. So what do you do with all that stuff? The thrift store can’t use it and I already have too many cleaning rags. So I guess it’s just another pile of stuff in the trash. And I agonize over this. I attribute a lot of it to seeing that documentary, The True Cost. Upon watching it, I felt a new determination to stop contributing to the incredibly wasteful and unethical fast fashion industry. But it’s moments like these when I wonder if I’m being a bit too literal. I throw away (to the landfill) a couple of garbage bags of waste every week, mostly food packaging that can’t be recycled. And I don’t torture myself over it because it seems like there’s no other practical option. I know there are fanatics out there going “zero-waste” in an attempt to save the planet, but I kind of write that off as people just trying to assuage their consciences. The real problem is so much bigger than whether we use a plastic bag or a cloth one. There needs to be major overhaul in governmental regulations in order to effectively address the climate crisis. Political action and activism is, in my opinion, way more crucial than patting yourself on the back for shunning single-use plastic. Not that there’s anything wrong with doing the little things, it’s just that I think it masks the real problem. I think there’s a point where you’re just trying to say that it’s not your fault that we’re in a crisis. If I didn’t create any waste this month, I can just blame others for creating so much themselves. But it’s not individuals’ behavior that really makes a big impact. It’s government intervention in big business, it’s across-the-board changes in huge corporations that can really put things right. It’s not so much whether or not you buy a T-shirt at the Gap. Maybe it’s a bit of depressed thinking here- feeling that no matter what I do as an individual, it won’t change anything. But I do believe that collective political action can. The problem I find, and that I think so many others find, is that I don’t know how to get involved in an effective way. I’ve been looking into apps that allow you to contact your congresspeople and weigh in on environmental issues. So far what I’ve found is an app called “Countable.” It’s a little tricky to use, especially if you’re like me and tend to bury your head in the sand when it comes to politics because it’s just so depressing. But it does provide background information about each issue and an explanation of the pros and cons of each piece of legislation. So if it’s something you’ve never heard of before, you can educate yourself pretty easily. And it does allow you to vote on individual bills and share your opinions with your legislators. There is also something called “5calls.org” which gives you the specific people to contact in regards to various issues. It also gives you their phone numbers and a script to read to whoever answers the phone, or to their voicemail. I’m certainly no expert and am just learning about these things myself, but I think this is the best use of my energy when it comes to environmental and ethical issues.

But back to the stuff. We simply have to throw some things away. Having a capsule wardrobe hopefully reduces the amount of discarded items you end up with. But when the clothes are still good (they just don’t fit you or suit you anymore), it always comes back to resale for me. Sometimes I’ll see a pair of Old Navy denim shorts on Ebay for $.99 and wonder, why bother taking the pictures when you’re making less than a dollar after fees? And the reason to bother is to find that item a new home. If someone is willing to pay for something, no matter how little, they at least want it and will hopefully use it. But there will always be some waste at the end of an item’s life. Textile recycling is not available in my area and this is where something like Thredup might be especially useful. Since they are a somewhat large company, they may have access to a recycling program that I as an individual do not. So it may be that sending them my stuff is the best thing. I wish I knew what really happens to their discard pile; I will keep you posted if I can find anything out. All things considered, Ebay and Thredup are both good options: Thredup is more convenient, and possibly more capable of handling unsellable items; Ebay gives you more control over individual items, and more money for your stuff. We can all only do our best on an individual level. But part of that is joining in on a political level.

Preparing For Germany, Sort Of

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I of course don’t mean “preparing” as in doing German language tapes or scouting out museums and transportation. Instead, I’m just thinking about clothes. Well, clothes and meds. I was able to get 3-month supplies of all my meds- even Klonopin, a controlled substance. I can’t imagine this would fly in most states, so a little advice: if you run into a situation where you need more than a month’s worth of a controlled substance, just ask your doctor to overprescribe for one month. Doctors usually prefer that you have your meds rather than not, so they tend to be amenable to this. Since I’m traveling for just about a month, my 3-month supplies are more than sufficient, so I didn’t have to go this route, though I have in the past. When traveling, I pack all my prescriptions together in a packing cube in my carry-on bag. If anything gets lost, it will not be my meds. My name is on all the prescription bottles in case of inspection, but I’ve flown internationally with quite a pharmacy, controlled substances included, and never been questioned.

My real concern is of course, my wardrobe. Here on the homefront, we had our first really hot day of the season. It was 84 degrees to be exact, and I was absolutely sweltering in my joggers. I scrambled to the closet to change into shorts, and we left for the cafe as per usual. Walking through the front door of the cafe, I suddenly became frantic from concern that my belly (and my underwear) were exposed. They weren’t, but I was quite aware that my shorts were in fact on the verge of falling down. I hadn’t been planning on wearing shorts this early in the season, not even planning to bring them to Germany for the month of June. But this little heat wave suddenly brings to light a bit of a wardrobe crisis. The shorts in question are Old Navy, size XL, elastic-waist, drawstring utility shorts (similar here). I bought them when my Old Navy, size L, elastic-waist, (no-drawstring) utility shorts got too small. This should have been a no-brainer: Find the same or a similar style, buy one size up, and you’re good to go. But the size difference between these two pairs is far more than a L to XL. These XL are at least a size or two bigger than the tag says. You’d think, same store, (almost) the same style, that the sizing might be consistent. But apparently this is not the case. As women, we are used to these sizing discrepancies between brands, between styles, and - no joke- even between colors of the identical item. So this isn’t a huge shock to me. But it does put me in a bit of a pickle. If shorts are in the cards for the upcoming trip, does this mean I have to buy new shorts for this in-between weight? My obvious solution is to thrift when I need something temporarily, but finding the right thing is difficult, and it’s also the principle of the thing. I thought I was prepared for summer at this weight, and now I’m not. So I’ve been obsessively checking the weather both here and in Berlin to try to get a handle on what I’ll need to pack. I’ve been making little lists in my bullet journal, potential packing lists, but the size issue is popping up in other areas, too. My navy blue men’s pants that are such a staple worn with my black leather men’s belt might be on the verge of being too big to cinch in any more. I think in this case I’ve made peace with the fact that if I bring them to Berlin, I’ll probably have to replace them while I’m there. Besides, it will give me a chance to go thrifting in Berlin. But the cashmere sweaters, the puffer jacket I was thinking of bringing- is that just wasted space I should be using for shorts and camis?

At least I have a firm handle on the shoe situation. My decluttering has proved quite helpful in this aspect of decision-making, since there are fewer pairs to choose from. I’ll wear the boots on the plane since they’re the heaviest, then pack the Adidas and New Balance running shoes. The Supergas aren’t great for lots of city walking, so they’ll stay home regardless. There are no fancy occasions to worry about, so no heels will be in tow. As far as other wardrobe areas, gym gear is always complicated, so I’ll definitely have to resort to handwashing my things between workouts. Other than that, it’s just lots of T-shirts and a couple pairs of pants. Oh, and lots of socks. I’m not one to go sockless in sneakers. I’ll keep my eye on temperatures and end up making a lot of decisions last-minute, like I usually do, which tends to lead to overpacking. This time my husband and I are sharing a checked bag, however, so I’ll have to reel it in. At least I’m not lugging parkas and sweaters and snow boots like last time- thank god it’s spring.

Thredup Stalking and Shopping

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Just doing a bit of virtual shopping on Thredup, the online thrift store. I’ve ordered a few things from them and been really happy with what I got- great secondhand cashmere included. It’s especially nice to not have that thrift-store smell. Of course, you can’t try things on, but they do have free returns for store credit. And it’s a great way to get your online shopping fix without destroying the environment. Here’s some things I’ve been eyeing:

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Remade $27.99

Love the color and the design, but not sure how much wear it would get. It’s a summery linen-type material but it has long sleeves. And it technically has a V-neck, which I normally avoid. Love the fabric and color though. This brand is actually made up of new items, but there is a buyback guarantee from Thredup so you can be sure to resell the items when you’re done with them.

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J. Crew $8.99

Points for color and practicality- and it’s a 2XL with what looks like a pretty relaxed fit. I don’t currently have any long sleeve tees; I usually just wear a sweater over a T-shirt. Something to think about.

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Simply Vera Vera Wang $24.99

Obsessed with this print, but hesitating on the sleeve/tie-front rufflish action. It almost looks like a flutter sleeve, a big no-no for me, but maybe if you leave it untied it would lie flat? I don’t even look good in sleeveless things, but this print is so good…

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LOFT $19.99

I really like the print on this one, too. I’m not normally drawn to neon, but there’s something kind of edgy about it and I love the neckline and loose fit. Not normally a cap-sleeve type either, but I’d take it for that neckline.

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Eileen Fisher $56.99

This is silk, and the pleating is gorgeous. I love that it’s tunic length. Again, I don’t look great in sleeveless things, but this is so pretty. And no bows or ruffles, just clean lines. Love.

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J. Crew $37.99

I know, I know, I always say I never wear dresses. But is it possible a structured shirt dress could win me over? I love the utilitarian vibe and substantial fabric- it could look great with pants if I didn’t go in for the whole dress idea.

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Eileen Fisher $37.99

This is probably meant to be sort of corporate-looking, but I was picturing it with men’s pants and boots, and I think it would come off as arty. Again with the sleeveless, but it’s hot out.

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Simply Vera Vera Wang $18.99

This would definitely get a lot of wear and it would expand my color horizons a bit. The crossover front gives it that posh Athleta vibe, like I just went to yoga and I’m stopping in for a latte. Or else I’d just wear it as pajamas.

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LOFT $20.99

This may be way too girly for me, but I’m drawn to it in the way that I’m drawn to white ruffly things that look like Victorian underwear. I like the square, elasticized neckline and the double-layer action. And the sheer Swiss-dot pattern was totally my thing in a former life when I wore clothes that made me look like a giant baby. But again, with men’s pants and boots, maybe I could do a feminine top?

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Simply Vera Vera Wang $28.99

And finally, this badass sleeveless blazer is like something I’d pin on Pinterest and then immediately realize would never look good on me. Unless I got incredibly skinny with really toned arms, which is just not in the cards with my gene pool. I love the idea of just wearing it on its own, over men’s pants. The depth of the neckline overrides my “no V-neck” rule, and the whole coolness factor overrides my “no blazers” rule. A woman can dream…

Decluttering Socks

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Here’s a little sock clear-out:

The Total Wardrobe Update: Capsule, Shoes, Pajamas and Gym Clothes

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After my recent additions and even more recent decluttering, I thought an official inventory was in order. Here are updated lists of every item of clothing in my current wardrobe, barring socks, underwear, and accessories (76 items):

Capsule Wardrobe: 30 items

10 Tees:

2 J. Crew Supima cotton navy tees

1 ASOS black crewneck tee

1 ASOS grey crewneck tee

1 Gap Factory white double-layer tee

2 Gap Factory navy scoopneck tees

2 Gap Factory black scoopneck tees

1 Hanes light blue tee

4 Tops:

2 LOFT black silky strappy camis

1 Cable and Gauge black and white striped tunic

1 Alfani black silky oversized blouse

3 Sweaters:

1 Vince grey cashmere crewneck sweater

1 Magaschoni black cashmere V-neck sweater

1 LOFT oatmeal cotton sweater

5 Layers/Outerwear:

1 Gap men's navy zip-up hoodie

1 Lands' End green corduroy button-down shirt

1 Tan Old Navy anorak jacket (similar here)

1 Lands' End black parka

1 Lauren Ralph Lauren black hooded raincoat

8 Bottoms:

1 Architect men's navy cotton chino pants

1 George men's grey dress pants

2 Gap grey twill joggers

1 Ann Taylor black dress pants

1 Merona linen-blend wide leg pants

2 Old Navy black utility shorts (similar here)

Shoes: 9 pairs

1 Carolina brown leather logger boots

1 black stripe on white Adidas sneakers

1 Superga grey slip on sneakers

1 Lands' End Alpine snow boots (similar here)

1 Naturalizer black loafer-style heels

1 Naturalizer taupe loafer-style heels

1 Miz Mooz green vintage-style ankle strap heels

1 Rampage blush lace up block heel sandals

1 Aerosoles black leather cork wedges

Pajamas: 20 items

10 Tops:

4 Old Navy blue boyfriend tees

2 Old Navy white relaxed fit tanks

1 Old Navy black relaxed fit tank

1 Old Navy grey relaxed fit tank

1 Cable and Gauge black split neck hoodie

1 Lou and Grey LOFT textured grey hoodie

9 Bottoms:

2 Isaac Mizrahi black jersey sleep shorts

1 Isaac Mizrahi palm print jersey sleep shorts

1 Russell Athletic cut-off navy shorts

1 Two by Vince Camuto pink wide leg sweatpants

1 AnyBody taupe wide leg pajama pants

1 Gap grey and white striped joggers

2 Lauren Ralph Lauren navy cotton jersey joggers

1 Slippers:

Lands’ End grey fleece slippers

Gym Clothes: 17 items

10 Bottoms and Layers:

1 Andrea Jovine stretchy black sweatpants

1 Danskin navy cotton leggings

1 Calvin Klein Performance cropped cotton leggings

1 Under Armour Heat Gear black mesh leggings

1 RBX synthetic fleece-lined joggers

1 Under Armour Cold Gear fleece-lined leggings

1 New Balance 860v8 sneakers

10 Tops and Layers:

4 Old Navy grey relaxed fit tees

2 Old Navy black pullover sports bras

1 Under Armour Cold Gear fleece-lined base layer top

1 Under Armour water-resistant pullover hoodie

1 Old Navy grey 3/4 sleeve sweatshirt

1 Columbia grey zip-up fleece

What's interesting to me about all this is how little of my wardrobe is actually everyday clothing that I wear when I'm "dressed." I actually have more gym clothes/pajamas (37 items) than I do regular clothes (30). But the thing is, I actually need all those gym clothes and pajamas. I exercise 6 days a week now, so I need enough things to get me through between laundry days. I also do some cold weather running so I have a whole set of cold weather gear including socks and accessories. I honestly don't know where I would cut back if I wanted to. I see a lot of minimalists out there with one set of pajamas and one pair of leggings for working out, and I've got to say, I think that's gross. Either you smell really bad a lot of the time or you do laundry practically every day, which is not exactly an ideal lifestyle. I saw a chart on Pinterest of a woman's wardrobe list including everything (socks and underwear too) and it amounted to 100 items. I think that sounds as minimal as you can go if you exercise regularly and like clean pajamas. I see a few things here and there that I don't absolutely need, but I think I'm comfortable with my own level of minimalism for now. Anything more extreme would be impractical and I think that pretty much defeats the purpose of minimalism. My own goals with minimalism are to simplify my life and clear out the excess so I can see clearly what I'm working with. So as Marie Kondo says in her Spark Joy, if something sparks joy for you (or you use it regularly), keep it with confidence.

Crying at the Psychiatrist, and Bras and Underwear

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I had my psychiatrist's appointment yesterday and it went unexpectedly downhill. I should have been glad to hear that I lost 5.4 pounds, down from 198 to 192.6. I still cried and felt it wasn't enough. My doctor asked me why I felt like the weight loss wasn't working, and I said that I guess it's because it's so goddamn slow. I told him how I never miss a workout, I never eat above 1800 calories a day, how hard it is, and how seemingly slow the results are. He said that from his perspective, 30 pounds in 7 months was better than most people do. And the fact that I'm doing the exercise and diet (despite how hard they are) sounds positive to him. Then I cried about the afternoons I spend lying in the dark, ruminating on how I've screwed up my life. I cried about how hard it is to take a shower, to brush my teeth. He questioned whether the afternoon mood seems like a time-of-day problem or a circumstantial issue when I'm left alone without a car and without the motivation to do anything. Since Matt and I have tried going to cafes in the afternoon and had a fine time, I told him I don't think it's a time-of-day problem. It's because aside from Matt, my life is garbage. I have nothing to show for 20 years of my life in the arts, and now I'm having to start over at 40 (almost 41) years old. He looked blankly back at me. He seemed genuinely confused as to why I was so upset. We'd just told him how we are going to Berlin for the month of June, partly for Matt's work, and partly just to get out of Dodge. He must have thought I should be happy and looking forward to the trip. He must have thought how I should appreciate the fact that I'm on disability and can leave the country at the drop of a hat. But I don't feel lucky. Everything feels like too little, and that I'm too late to do anything of significance with my life. 41 years old and starting a blog? It's 2019 and everyone else has been doing this for more than a decade. And how will I get anyone to read it anyway? I've shunned social media for so long that I don't know how to even approach getting back into it. My Facebook account hasn't been touched in about 10 years, mostly out of shame. It still has photos from 10 years ago, when I lived in New York and was at my thinnest. I was actively doing plays and auditioning and had friends. So I left my profile frozen in that time. I've had the thought that maybe it's time for me to "come out" on Facebook as fat, and as mentally ill. My husband has told me about friends of ours coming out as gay on Facebook, even an acquaintance who transitioned genders. They are not ashamed of these changes, and yet I'm ashamed of my weight gain and my mental illness. I guess it's a different (though obviously no more difficult) type of stigma around my issues. No one congratulates you or posts "Good for you!" when you announce a hundred pound weight gain. And while there may be an occasional shout-out to a suicide hotline when a celebrity dies from suicide, there's just not the same passion involved when it comes to chronic, treatment-resistant depression. But still, I just might take a stand on my own behalf and challenge my "friends" to accept me as I am.

Now while we're getting personal, here is the current state of my bras and underwear (20 items in all):

8 Bras:

2 Low-impact white (sort of graying) sports bras. I got these in the garment district in NYC. I have no idea of the brand or origin of these, though I've had them for at least 12 years now.

4 Lace-back bralettes by Marilyn Monroe Intimates, one black, one navy, one pale pink, and one rosy pink. I found a 2-pack at Marshalls and stalked down two more packs in my size at a different Marshalls. I did a bit of an illegal switcheroo and re-tagged the garish fluorescent pink ones and returned them. These are super comfortable and look fine even when you can see them under a top. The lace even covers an itchy tag on one of my sweaters.

2 Foam-cup, proper bras, one nude, one black. The brand is Vanity Fair, specifically the “Beauty Back” bra. I rarely wear these lately, but they're good for times when I want to look put together. Because they're a larger size, the band is nice and wide and has 3 hooks instead of the standard 2 you get in smaller sizes.

9 Underwear:

9 pairs of Ellen Tracy microfiber briefs in mauve/beige/black, all bought at Marshalls or TJ Maxx.

3 Other items:

1 Maidenform shapewear bodysuit. This can feel like body armor when you need it- sometimes I just feel too vulnerable having other people see my wobbly fat rolls through my clothes.

1 Cotton Kimono Robe. This was stolen from my husband- his parents got it for him in San Francisco. I adore it, though one sleeve is ripped and needs repair.

1 Lands' End white terry-cloth robe in XL. A classic right out of the shower, or great as an added layer of warmth on cold mornings.

I do have other undergarments in storage, though nothing that fits right now. I still have yet to lose enough weight to downsize in the underwear department. When that time comes, I have some new-in-plastic underwear that I bought online with a bit too much optimism. At one point at my higher weight, I tried to find cotton underwear instead of microfiber or polyester. It was just about impossible to find what I wanted in plus sizes- hence the still-in-plastic Warner “no-muffin-top” cotton underwear waiting for their turn in the wardrobe. I also have 12 pairs of Warner “no-muffin-top” microfiber underwear in a smaller size, and two Beauty Back bras in a smaller size. I'm chomping at the bit to get back into my smaller things. It's just so hard to wait.

Shoe Declutter, Plus Pajamas and Gym Clothes

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Since pulling some items from storage and buying two new pairs of shoes, I've got some more decluttering to do. Let's start with pajamas:

1. Two pairs of cotton-poplin Old Navy sleep shorts. These are the ones with the ribbon-tie drawstrings, the ones that fall down comically when I try to wear them. They are officially too big and are going.

2. Black stretchy sweatpants with drawstring. These pajama pants have seen better days, but I think I'll just bump them over to gym clothes now that I have more options for pajama pants. I could layer them over leggings if it's cold, or just have an extra pair of bottoms in the gym rotation. It'll make laundry easier.

Moving on to gym clothes:

1. Black Jockey loose-fit leggings. These are really cheaply made and haven't lasted me very long. They pilled the very first time I washed them. But I've worn them for several months nonetheless, since I hardly care what I look like at the gym.

2. Old Navy black yoga pants. These are really worn out- the waist bags a little and the fabric between the thighs is threadbare. As I said, I have pretty low standards when it comes to gym clothes, but these have got to go.

3. Two white low-impact sports bras. These have migrated to the everyday bra category since they're comfy and no longer suitable to working out. When I'm running on the treadmill, I need to stick to the high-impact ones, and I'm still just going braless at the gym.

At this point, my pajama tops and my workout tops have merged into one category. I usually work out in whatever top I slept in the night before. It's basically a ploy to do less laundry, but it's been working for me. All tops are staying.

Now on to the main event- The Great Shoe Declutter:

I've had something of a paradigm shift since buying my new work boots and Adidas sneakers. Shoes I thought I'd never part with suddenly seem superfluous. I'm hoping to sell them all on Ebay, since most of them still have a good amount of life left in them. The shoes that are going:

1. Tan slip-on Supergas. I've never worn these much. My mom got them when she saw my grey ones and then she changed her mind about the fit. She passed them on to me, but there's something about the color I'm just not crazy about. A little clean-up and they should sell.

2. Brown Rocket Dog shoes. These have always been weird, but I went with it for a while. They're extremely wide in the toe box, but an aesthetic nightmare. I've referred to them as Hobbit shoes with good reason. Not sure about the resale value of these...

3. Black Naturalizer ankle boots. These are a flat, rubber soled, black leather ankle boot in wide width. They have a little side buckle detail that tries hard to make them cute, but if I'm honest with myself, they're just not. I got them before a trip to Germany in winter since they're super comfortable and good for long walks. But now they seem to ruin every outfit I pair them with and they make me feel like I've given up, fashion-wise. The men's work boots I bought are such a drastic improvement in my eyes that I see no reason to keep these. These might sell on Ebay, though probably not for much.

4. Sorel knee-high fabric and leather wedge boots. I got these on clearance at Marshalls a few years ago for $120 and that was a steal. No matter that they were a size 9, at least half a size too big. It was true love, and I'd never dreamed I'd be getting rid of them. But I wore them once when my husband had a meeting at Princeton University and I had a lot of time to kill. I walked all over campus and was hobbling with blisters halfway through the day. Ever since then, they've just seemed impractical. I think a lot of the problem is that they're too big and have a wedge heel, so my foot slides forward in the boot and jams my bunions into the toe box. I'm sure I can sell these on Ebay- there must be someone out there who will be as smitten with these as I was. Hopefully their bunions will fit right into the bunion-shapes I made in the leather.

5. An honorable mention to the Dr. Scholl's grey suede fold over boots that I edited out a few months back. They simply don't fit anymore- like I can barely jam my foot in. I don't know what happened; it's a mystery to me. But maybe they'll sell. I've never seen anything like them and absolutely adore the low foldover style. I'll put these up on Ebay and see what happens.

Well, this brings my shoe collection total down to 9 pairs- a bit more in the direction of minimalism, but those 5 pairs of beautiful heels are still holding me back. No plans to downsize further at this point- 9 isn't too bad, I think?

I'm Crying About a Sweater

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It's true.  I'm actually crying about a sweater.  It's the sweater I'm wearing- my purple-grey, short-sleeve cardigan in a cotton-blend knit.  It has this great "ladder" weave - I think that's what it's called- that's kind of chunky but not fuzzy or bulky.  And the style is great- short rolled sleeves, a rolled shawl collar, dolman-shaped sleeves.  But it doesn't hold its shape no matter what I do.  

I got it when I was working in an office at Brown University, about 3 years ago.  I was actually having a shockingly good reaction to the medication Abilify.  5 days at 5mg, and I was securing said job, soon working full-time and surprising my husband by not having a meltdown every 20 minutes.  It was like a magical reprieve- I had no psychological issues, just blissful functioning and optimism about the future.  It was at this point that I realized that my illness is clearly chemical.  I've often doubted myself, asking whether I'm benefiting from being sick in some way.  Was there some subconscious martyrdom or attention-seeking at the root of my disease?  This experience on Abilify proved to me that the answer is no.  Given the right chemicals in my brain, not only did I have no baggage, I thrived.  I was unfazed by small slights, things that would usually send me into a tailspin.  I actually started therapy to cope with the reality that I was better.  It was such a huge difference that both my husband and I felt it a major life change.  And then six weeks in, the Abilify stopped working.  Apparently this is a common phenomenon with Abilify- after a few weeks, it just. Stops. Working.  I started crying in the bathroom at work and eventually had to quit.  I just couldn't get through the day without melting down and sobbing.  That was the last job I had- after leaving, I applied for disability.  Clearly my illness was preventing me from working (this was the second job of late that I had to leave due to my symptoms), and I was immediately approved.  And then I spent two years chasing that Abilify magic.  I tried every possible dose, going all the way down to 2mg and all the way up to 30mg, way above the usual dose for depression.  And my heart broke every time it didn't work.  I was devastated.  Medication disappointment was something I'd been through before, but this was different.  I'd lived the life i was hoping for, and then had it taken away.  I'd had a glimpse into what could have been, and was then thrust back into my typical reality of debilitating bipolar II depression.  

So this sweater was something I wore a lot during that blissful time of working full-time.  I'd sewed on a button with a little snap behind it so it closed in the front.  It was always handy in that air-conditioned office environment, and I loved the purple-grey muted color, the texture, the style.  But when I stopped working there, it was shoved to the back of my closet with all my other work clothes.  Short-sleeve sweaters are rarely practical for me, except to throw on in summer, maybe in air conditioning.  I wore it this way two summers ago, when I was going through TMS- Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation.  A new and experimental treatment seen as an alternative to ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy), I endured the pain of the magnet hitting me right on my cranial nerve for 6 weeks.  I had a line drawn on my head with a Sharpie so they could try to position the machinery correctly each time, though it didn't solve the problem of it hitting my nerve.  I had to go off most of my meds for the duration.  On a particularly bad day, I was threatened with hospitalization by the attending doctor.  Between sessions, I would shop.  Thrifting for Ebay or Thredup resale items became my addiction, my source of dopamine.  I wore that sweater in the cold, air-conditioned Salvation Army for hours at a stretch, stopping only for coffee or because they were closing.  But the thing about this sweater is that it never looked the way it did in my mind.  I had this idea of it as a cool, edgy, chunky knit with a slouchy feel and a shawl collar.  In reality, the collar never stayed rolled over and the sleeves constantly unrolled themselves too.  The dolman sleeve has never done me any favors (something I'm only now realizing) and from the back it just made me look big and kind of hunched over.  I recently stitched the sleeves so they were permanently rolled and stitched the collar permanently into a shawl style.  So now it looks like some kind of Frankenstein's monster in order to hold its shape, and it still doesn't fall right.  It still doesn't work.  It's time to let it go.  But I keep questioning myself- I love the color, the texture, the idea behind it... But it doesn't work.  Just the way the Abilify ultimately didn't work.  Just like the TMS didn't work.  Just like Ketamine treatments didn't work and Vraylar didn't work and Adderall didn't work and Seroquel didn't work and Lithium didn't work and Effexor didn't work and Prozac didn't work and Cymbalta didn't work and Viibrid didn't work and Pristiq didn't work and Topomax didn't work and Xanax didn't work and Rexulti didn't work and Medical Marijuana didn't work.  Just like that.  So I'm sad.

Capsule Decluttering for Weight Loss

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Since adding so many pieces to my capsule, I finally feel at liberty to scale back on the things that are just too big.

1. Fashion To Figure black pull-on pants. Now that I have my Ann Taylor black trousers, I no longer need these as an option for dressy occasions. I always imagined that if something came up, I'd wear them with my black oversized silky blouse. The trousers are definitely a step up, so the 100% polyester pull-on pants are out.

2. Lands' End trouser jeans in size 20. I put these in the dryer to shrink them up a bit, but they are still too big in the waist at this point.

3. Black skinny D. Jeans in 18W. These don't stay up.

4. Blue skinny D. Jeans in 18W. Same. I have some remorse over buying these two pairs of skinny jeans for what turned out to be a relatively short period of time. Surely I could have gotten by on my joggers for the end of the winter, but in terms of cost-per-wear, at $19.99 a pair, they weren't such a huge mistake.

5. Men's Old Navy khakis (thrifted). Such a recent purchase that I feel ridiculous getting rid of them already. But the more loose-fitting they got, the more oddly oversized they became. It was as if the waist was tight but then the pants ballooned out and created a lower body potato shape. Highly unflattering, but only a $3 mistake- plus they were thrifted, so environmentally sound.

6. Black open cardigan (99 Jane Street). This just came out of storage, but has already proven to be not worth wearing. I reached for it today, but the full coating of my long hair on the back and the ratty-looking pilling made me recoil. Sometimes acrylic sweaters are lovely and soft. This one is not. It's surprisingly itchy for not having any wool in it, and it doesn't breathe, so it makes you sweaty.

7. Burgundy Lands' End short-sleeve cardigan (thrifted). This was a tough call, especially since it's a fairly new addition. But the fit is suddenly looking way too oversized. I love oversized clothing, but there is a point where it just makes you look bigger than you are. Oversized clothes have to have the right shape to work on your body, and this one doesn't have that shape. It's also bulky but short-sleeved, so tricky weather-wise, and the color kind of says "Lands' End" to me, and not in a good way.

8. Green Cable and Gauge sweater with exposed back zipper (3X). I put this on today since it's too warm for cashmere, but when I looked in the mirror I thought I resembled a mountain. My husband agreed that it made me look bigger than I am. I deliberated over it, considering my penchant for oversized things. But again, there's a point where something looks just too big instead of cool and drapey.

9. Purpley-grey short-sleeve cardigan (Sonoma). This one is a heart-breaker. I love the color and the idea of it, but it just doesn't work in the end, despite great effort and alterations.

10. Four LOFT Swing Tees. These have not technically been in my capsule, but they’ve been hanging around waiting for a final verdict. I tried wearing a couple of them out in the world, but I still find them unflattering and too short in front. The white one which I DIY-ed with elastic in the hem hasn’t thrilled me- the front is just too short- so that one is included in this batch of decluttering.

This round of decluttering leaves me with 30 items in my capsule, down from 39, which makes getting dressed easier. I've been finding it difficult to get dressed with so many items in front of me, especially when everything is under consideration for the chopping block. I've really just been wearing my grey men's pants or my blue ones with a T-shirt and some layers. The tan anorak jacket is really coming in handy with the weather warming up and the LOFT oatmeal cotton sweater will be a great replacement for the green Cable and Gauge one as a lightweight option. Some lace bralettes have become my everyday staples, as they're comfortable enough but don't make my boobs look worse than just going braless (which many bralettes and sports bras can do). Overall, though, this round of clearing out makes me question how often it's worth buying clothes when you're gaining or losing weight. It may help your confidence to have a great wardrobe during a weight change, but I wonder if maybe I could've gotten by on an even more minimalist capsule at my higher weight. And how do you know when something is suddenly too big or too small? I mean, it's not like one day it fits and the next it doesn't, so where do we draw the lines? And what to do with the clothes we've discarded? The donation option is apparently not as good as we once thought, with so many of those clothes ending up in landfills. I think I can sell all of these items on Ebay, save but four: the black 99 Jane Street cardigan (too pilly) and the men's Old Navy khakis (too beat up), the purpley-grey cardigan (irrepairably altered), and the white LOFT swing tee (pit stains). But otherwise, plus size clothes do sell on Ebay, even if they're not a top-notch brand. I highly recommend it as a good way to find things a new home and keep them out of the garbage. I've decided Ebay will be my strategy instead of storing things away in case of future weight gain. At other times in my life, I've done just that, and not regretted it. But this most recent weight gain was mainly attributed to medication, so I feel less inclined to hang on to stuff at that size. I guess I'm also feeling like this time weight loss is more of a commitment than in the past. I think I'm finally resigning myself to the idea that I need structure in my eating for the sake of my mental health. Hopefully it'll stick this time for good, and I won't find these clothes on a "Clothes I Miss" post.