Weight Change Capsule Wardrobe Update

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Since coming home from Germany and finding out my current weight, I’ve been reassessing my wardrobe and have decided some things will have to go. My blue men’s pants are officially way too big; even with a belt cinching them in, they look ridiculous. I’ve had a bit of a shift in how I see myself in my grey joggers. I no longer find them flattering, and I think part of the reason could be that they’re too big. Or else it’s because I’m wearing boots a lot and have gotten used to having some volume and weight at my feet and ankles. The way the joggers taper in at the ankle suddenly feels just not right, even when worn with my Adidas sneakers. This whole shift came from seeing myself in joggers in a shop window- I tend not to look at myself in the mirror before I leave the house, so I haven’t had an accurate view of them in a while. There are two pairs of those, so that puts me down 3 pairs of pants. I’m also surrendering my black Ann Taylor trousers that won’t stay up anymore, so it’s a total of 4 pairs altogether.

I still have my wide-leg linen pants, my grey men’s pants (which now require a belt) and two pairs of clearly-too-big black shorts. I’ve been trying to ride out the summer with them because it’s hard to find shorts I like when thrifting and it doesn’t seem worth buying new shorts when they probably won’t fit next year anyway. But then I was feeling desperate with only 2 pairs of pants to wear, one of which doesn’t work so well on hot days. So I broke down today and ordered a pair of linen blend pants from Old Navy. I’m wearing my current linen-blend pants almost every day, definitely favoring them over the shorts, even on the hottest days. I think in general I just like to feel more covered when I’m sweating, like there’s some fabric between me and public seating. So as long as the new pants fit, the shorts will be going soon.

As far as tops, my T-shirts are still going strong with one exception. My light blue DIY-ed Hanes tee is bothering me, and it’s definitely the V-neck. For some reason V-necks look terrible on me, so this purchase was a bit outside the norm. I liked that I found it at the thrift store (sustainability-wise), and then I liked the color of it after I bleached it, but now I can’t unsee the glaring V-neck. In terms of other tops, I put on one of my silky black camisoles today, hoping to wear it out to the cafe. It looked OK at first with a bralette underneath, but after packing my bag and putting sunblock on, the bralette had inched its way down and created a most unflattering “anti-cleavage” look. If the camisole fit me better, I think it would cover my chest enough that this wouldn’t be a problem. But if I’m honest with myself, the camis are officially too big as well. I’m down to 9 T-shirts, one silky blouse, and one striped tunic for tops. My 3 sweaters and 5 layers are all still good; I like oversized things anyway, so none of my jackets bother me, my hoodie and corduroy shirt included.

I’m still wearing the same pajamas and workout clothes, though my T-shirts are getting kind of wide at the neck- it’s only outside or at the gym that I notice it, so no one cares, myself included. I did pull out from storage a couple of sports bras that just about fit now, so that helps in terms of laundry going from 2 to 4 sports bras. And I find myself reaching for the black cotton underwear from storage (which got pulled out during the lost luggage crisis) over my old microfiber briefs. I only have 6 pairs of the cotton ones, so I’ll have to hang onto some old ones for backup- probably the 3 black ones. One advantage of the cotton underwear is that it’s not high-waisted, so it eliminates the sliding issue I was having with my Under Armour leggings. The leggings were falling down with the high-waisted, slippery, microfiber underwear underneath, but now they’re fine.

But as far as my capsule, I’m down to 23 items for the year. This is certainly no emergency for me- I have plenty of tops and just enough bottoms to get by (the two pairs of shorts soon to be replaced by the linen-blend pants). I’m just disappointed I won’t have my camisoles for the summer, and sad to let go of the pivotal blue men’s pants. They really changed my view of myself and my style and that was a significant moment. They inspired the purchase of boots and Adidas sneakers and a men’s leather belt, not to mention my current grey men’s pants. I’m starting to wonder how far this shift in style will go. I’m not looking to switch over to completely wearing men’s clothing. I still like certain women’s styles, especially in tops and jackets, because they fit me better. I’ve never found button-down Oxford shirts or men’s tees flattering on me, so I don’t see those coming into the mix. But I would like to explore more interesting shapes in women’s clothing- more modern, minimal pieces that don’t look traditionally feminine or masculine. Something different.

Berlin Packing Post-Mortem

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Oh, if only I knew then what I know now. I could have packed lighter and had less trouble lugging everything around. But it’s actually pretty difficult to evaluate my packing choices because of two major factors that I didn’t know about going in: the unprecedented heat wave in Berlin in the 34 days we were there, and the appearance of a washing machine in our AirBnB that was not in the pictures or description of the apartment. Neither one of these factors could have been predicted, so my packing regrets are a bit skewed- I definitely wouldn’t have been so far off in my choices if I’d been able to take either of these things into account. But just for sheer drama, let’s look at what I actually wore in comparison to what I brought. I actually made a chart in my bullet journal with all my clothing items listed and the dates of our trip across the top to keep an accurate account; then I made the chart above with the results.

First up, I did alright with shoes: I wore my logger boots 13 times and my Adidas 19 times. Because I was wearing shorts and linen pants more than expected, the Adidas did win out. I could have gotten away without the boots at all, but I did like having them as an option style-wise. The running shoes got 28 wears in 34 days, so they were definitely an essential.

Now onto pants and shorts: Each pair of shorts got 4 wears, so I probably could have just brought one pair since we had the washer. My linen pants got 11 wears- they were great in the heat, especially when I wasn’t up to shaving my legs or having my thighs stick to my cafe chair. Both pairs of men’s pants did pretty well at 5 wears for the grey and 6 wears for the blue. I might have just brought one pair, but I tend to favor the blue ones and there ended up being an issue with them: By the time we got dressed for the plane home, I was afraid they would fall down when I took my belt off going through security. It’s high time to replace them, or else just stick with the grey ones for now. My grey joggers only got 3 wears, so they could have stayed home. I suddenly found them wholly unflattering after catching my reflection in a shop window. They may be on the chopping block altogether sometime soon.

As far as T-shirts: Each one got 2-4 wears, except for one J. Crew tee that got 6. I easily could have cut back, maybe bringing 6-7 instead of 10.

Now the major flaw in my packing was bringing so many warm layers, since it was almost always too hot for anything more than a T-shirt. I never wore the cashmere sweater or the scarf, and I only wore the jacket once. My green corduroy shirt and my hoodie each got 5 wears, but I usually just ended up stuffing the green shirt into my backpack once I left the apartment, so I would have been fine with just the hoodie.

As far as workout gear, my fleece was the most glaring mistake. It got exactly 2 wears, so my hoodie easily could have filled in for it, especially with the washer available to wash out the sweat. The navy leggings got 12 wears, the black 11, but only 5 wears for the Under Armour ones. I discovered that when I run in them, they slide right down my slippery underwear and fall down if I don’t hold them up with one hand. They were reserved for strength/walking days, or else I just didn’t wear them. I could have left them behind. Each of my 2 sports bras got 7-8 wears, so they were both necessary.

One place I couldn’t really have cut back was on pajama/workout tees. They each got 5-9 wears, usually back-to-back sleeping in one and then wearing it the next morning to work out. After working out, they were drenched with sweat and definitely could not be reworn.

Three pajama shorts got 8, 9, and 10 wears, although the Russell cut-offs only got 5. They were essential, however, since they act as my “period shorts,” providing an extra layer of protection while sleeping.

I could have gone without my purse since it only made an appearance on its own 3 times. It was usually stuffed in the bottom of my backpack, so I guess I could have stuffed its contents into the pockets of said backpack, which I used a total of 28 days. But the purse acted kind of like a little organizer inside the backpack, plus it was handy for museums, so maybe it was justified.

And finally, jewelry. I wore my brown beaded bracelet 3 times, my blue studs twice, my silver hoops once, and my pink studs not at all. I wouldn’t have bothered with jewelry if I’d known how little I’d wear it, but it doesn’t take up much space, so no big deal. The belt was worn only with the blue men’s pants, so 6 wears there.

I didn’t keep track of bras, but I definitely didn’t need all 6. I think I only wore 3, favoring my 2 white sports bras over the lace bralettes. Underwear was fine at 9 pairs- not too much, not too little. Socks were a bit excessive since we had the washer. I could have cut back from 18 pairs to 12: 4 for working out, 4 for Adidas, 4 for boots.

Toiletries were pretty much okay. While some things didn’t get used, they are small and I’d rather be over-prepared in that department than not. Items I could have left behind include my hair gel (which exploded on the flight anyway), my hair clip that doesn’t work with my new haircut, and my unopened bottle of Elta MD sunblock since the Vichy and La Roche Posay lasted me the whole trip. I didn’t need the hanging laundry rack since the apartment had a huge fold-out one. I never used a couple of cloth shopping bags since we just used our giant grocery bag instead, or else the Urban Outfitters one. And strangely, I didn’t use my water bottle at all. All the cafes provided water and glasses, and at home we just drank mineral water in glasses. One more thing I didn’t need was my old SIM card for my phone- apparently they stop working if you don’t use them for a while, so I ended up getting a new one instead.

Pills and vitamins worked out perfectly- I had some extra in case of travel delays, which we didn’t have anyway. Plus I had them in my carry-on so they didn’t get lost with the checked bag.

Edited packing list: *indicates worn on plane

Toiletries:

Miscellaneous:

Medications and Vitamins (41 days’ worth)

Electronics:

Books:

  • Latest notebook and 2 blanks

  • Poetry notebook and 1 blank

  • Bullet journal

  • Meds calendar

  • Crossword puzzle book

Pants/Shorts:

  • Blue men’s pants with black leather belt*

  • Grey men’s pants

  • Grey linen pants

  • 2 Black shorts

Shoes:

  • Logger Boots*

  • Running shoes

  • Adidas sneakers

Tops:

  • 3 ASOS black/white/grey tees

  • 1 Gap Factory black tees

  • 1 Gap Factory navy tees (no)

  • 2 J. Crew navy tees

Layers:

  • Navy blue hoodie*

Underwear:

  • 9 pairs underwear

  • 2 white sports bras

  • 2 lace bralettes

Socks:

  • 4 Puma black workout socks

  • 4 Puma white ankle socks

  • 1 Solid crew socks

  • 3 Marled crew socks

Pajamas:

  • 4 Blue pocket tees

  • 4 Grey (workout) tees

  • 4 jersey shorts

Workout:

  • Navy Danskin leggings

  • Black Calvin Klein cropped leggings

  • 2 black sports bras

Items eliminated:

  • Grey joggers

  • 1 Shorts

  • 3 T-shirts

  • Jacket

  • Green shirt

  • Sweater

  • Scarf

  • Fleece

  • UA leggings

  • Jewelry

Well, if I knew then what I know now, I could have cut down on some bulk and eliminated the need for that little emergency carry-on (a freebie Urban Outfitters shopping bag tied up by the handles). But in terms of dealing with the unexpected, I was definitely prepared. Maybe a bit over-prepared weather-wise, but I wasn’t lacking anything and didn’t have to make any emergency purchases.

Without a European-sized carry-on, I don’t see how I could have avoided the lost luggage crisis. I am, after that ordeal, thinking of getting one of the little mini carry-ons, but I don’t even know where to get one in the States. All the luggage I’ve seen at American shops or online is way too big to get onto a European flight as a carry-on. I’ve heard a lot of people recommend Away luggage online, but even their smallest carry-on is too big. I’ll have to do some research and compare sizes with the rules of airlines we usually fly with. Then again, an overweight carry-on doesn’t work either, and I’m not sure I’m quite enough of a minimalist to keep it to 7-10 kilograms for a month or more, especially when you factor in the weight of the luggage itself.

MInimalism Mishap: Lost Luggage

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Home at last.

Home at last.

I’m home from Berlin and it’s been a bit of a trial getting here. Our flight got changed at midnight the night before we flew out and Matt had to argue our way onto a decent flight home. Then it was all pretty typical, except for one shocking feature on a Delta flight: free food. I haven’t seen a free meal on an airplane in years, and it felt absolutely ridiculous being handed the warm “towels” they’d come around with before the meal. In the end though, they lost our luggage and then once home, our car wouldn’t start. We do have Triple A, so the car’s getting worked out, but we had to borrow my mom’s car in order to buy groceries (after a month away we had nothing to eat in the house). But back to the luggage. I was pretty proud of myself for managing to fit a month’s worth of clothes, shoes, and toiletries into half a suitcase without causing it to be overweight. But I never really thought through what would happen if our luggage got lost. I had all my pills with me on the plane- that’s always a non-negotiable. But I didn’t even do that thing where people recommend you pack an extra pair of clean underwear in your carry-on. Probably because my “carry-on” was just a glorified grocery bag from Urban Outfitters, knotted at the top to keep my packing cube full of pills from falling out. I had one other packing cube of pajama/workout T-shirts in there and a fleece to try and corral everything together. But that was it- no extra underwear, no bullet journal, and no other clothes. Like, at all. I didn’t really have any clothes to come home to either, since I have a small capsule wardrobe and most of it was in the missing suitcase. I guess this is why most minimalists just bring a carry-on. Lesson learned. But you can’t fly in Europe with one of those typical American-sized carry-ons, plus the weight limits are strict. I don’t own one of those tiny roller bags like flight attendants carry, so the carry-on thing just wasn’t going to fly (get it?).

My husband and I thought one checked bag for the two of us would be economical since you pay $50 per checked bag, plus it would leave us less carry-on luggage to trapse around the airport with. This seemed like a fine plan until I was trying to find pajamas to wear to bed last night. I settled on a tank top (thankfully left at home) and a pair of shorts designated for painting projects. I had no clean underwear, so after my shower I went commando in my shorts (sorry for the TMI). When I got up this morning (bright and early of course, jet lagging) I lolled about for a while before we eventually decided to hit the cafe. Once again, I was at a loss for what to wear. I picked out one of the pajama T-shirts, an underwire bra I’d left at home, and an old pair of paint-spattered jeggings (also from the painting capsule). I donned my summer slip-on Supergas, along with some socks that specifically go with those shoes. And I have my computer, my notebook, my one pen, my wallet, etc. which came on the plane with me in my backpack. But no underwear. Right. So I pulled down my storage bin of smaller clothes. The last time I looked through them, I’d put some underwear that “might fit soon” away and noted where they were. So today, out it came, and by god, they fit. Tiny people in my chest started jumping up and down, or so it seemed. I played it cool. This does not change my worth as a person. I am the same. I’m just wearing different underwear. The tiny people simmered down. I got dressed and decided to start a load of laundry: I threw in my plane outfit, and then I rewashed all the pajama/workout T-shirts, not really trusting our Berlin Eco-washer to get them truly clean. At this point it dawned on me that I would have to get on the treadmill today. Our flight change yesterday eliminated our opportunity to work out, so today we’re back on again. I pulled out some too-small sports bras and a pair of leggings from storage. I set aside one of the workout tees and a pair of thick crew socks that would have to do. And then I realized I had no shoes. This means that today will either be a walking day in my Supergas or my boots, or I will be hitting up the painting wardrobe once again. I have an old pair of running shoes that could “step in.” I’m feeling pretty smug about owning my painting clothes at this point. Oop, we just received a text that said our ”luggage has been located,” though in what country, they didn’t say. I doubt it’ll be returned today, but maybe tomorrow. In the meantime, it’s painting clothes and underwire bras for now. Welcome home to me.

Makeup Musings and Minimalist Skincare

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I’ve been watching a lot of beauty YouTubers lately (Samantha Ravandahl is my favorite) which is kind of weird since I don’t wear makeup. I never have worn makeup, at least not as an everyday kind of thing. I’ve been blessed with good skin and never really felt the need to embellish my face. But I had to wear a lot of makeup for shows. Working in regional theater and doing opera concerts meant doing my own makeup every night, and sometimes twice a day. My methods were basically what I learned from my mom, who once bought a set of VHS tapes that showed you how to do your makeup, possibly involving Jaclyn Smith. This was obviously before YouTube, and even before DVDs, if you can imagine. The gist of the instructions were to put eyeliner on the top and bottom lash line (not the waterline). Then there was a bit about putting eyeshadow in the crease, blending as you go up. And then streaks of blush along the cheekbones, lipliner, and then lipstick applied with a brush.

Stage makeup

Stage makeup

My own methods didn’t follow these instructions exactly. My routine for show makeup was concealer under my eyes, foundation all over- including over my eyelids- and occasionally powder after that. The eyeliner thing really stuck with me- above and below, a little more at the outer corner than the inner corner. And the bottom was pencil liner while the top was liquid with a “wing.” I was partial to Almay products, and the liquid liner came in a little bottle like an inkwell with a brush in the cap. Eyeshadow was darker brown on the lid, and then got lighter as it went up, using a white “highlight” color right under the brow. I didn’t do anything to my brows. Okay, there was one time when a rather glamorous Korean friend darkened my brows with a black pencil for my senior voice recital, but I still think it looks weird close-up in the photos. I liked to put blush kind of in the hollow of my cheek since that’s where I naturally flush. And then lipstick, of course, the color usually dictated by the costume mistress, and lots of mascara. Bigger theaters or stylized pieces sometimes required false lashes, but there wasn’t much beyond that, unless you were supposed to have some sort of gash in your head in the show. And my makeup skills froze in time and never evolved from there. But these YouTube videos I’ve been watching are a revelation. First of all, the biggest takeaway is: no eyeliner on the bottom lash line. None! Boy, does that make me feel old. Lots of girls are still doing winged liner on top, but not for the stage, just for everyday. But for under the eye, they are just using eyeshadow. And usually a light colored eyeshadow. It definitely looks more modern, so I’ve taken note. And the other big thing is: fill in your brows. Really thick brows are in right now- girls are barely plucking and actually drawing in extra brow hair. Oh, and then there’s brow gel- a mascara-type product that you put through the brow hairs to make your brows “stay in place” and “look fluffier.”

This is all new to me, since I’ve been obliviously plucking my eyebrows since high school when a friend of a friend pinned me down at a sleepover and forced the situation. I even go so far as to trim the longer hairs on occasion so they don’t stick out like my dad’s. So I’ve started letting them go a bit more natural lately. One other thing is bronzer. Contour is something I’m familiar with in terms of theater makeup, so nothing new there, but bronzer was never a thing when I came of age. Now it’s apparently more important then blush, which is delicately applied to the apples of the cheeks. But bronzer goes on cheekbones, temples, and sometimes just everywhere. Oh, and highlighter! I did discover a liquid highlighter several years ago, using it on my brow bone and upper cheekbone, but now it seems to be par for the course. Because it’s all about “glow.” With Glossier and other brands coming out with all this “dewy” makeup, YouTubers are just eating it up. I have yet to experiment with all these new developments since I’m basically too lazy and too cheap to try out a bunch of different products. But I have certainly been educated should I change my mind.

One thing I am faithful to in the beauty realm is skincare. I have an extremely minimal routine, since my skin is rather sensitive and doesn’t like to be messed with too much. During the day, I’ve started wearing an SPF that works as a moisturizer and gives me a “dewy” glow. First I tried a Vichy stick sunblock, but found it was best suited to working out. While Matt was in Germany on his own recently, I had him ask at the Apotheka (the medical pharmacy in Germany that only sells high quality skincare) for a sunblock that was “not greasy and not sticky.” He came back with La Roche Posay liquid sunblock in 50+ (I can’t find the exact German product online). I slacked on using it for a while, but for the past month or so I’ve been applying it religiously in the morning, and it really is good. I don’t even feel like I have anything on, and it spreads really easily, warming up with the touch of your fingers. I squeeze it on my forehead, cheeks, and chin and then rub it in with the tips of my fingers. I highly recommend it, though it does give you a significant “glow.” I’ve been out in the sun quite a bit here in Berlin and I don’t think it shows at all on my face. I’m hoping that with consistent use it will allow my freckles to fade somewhat. When this bottle runs out, I am going to switch to Elta MD 45, recommended by my dermatologist. I told her how some sunscreens give me a cold sore on my chin and she suggested I try this one. I tried a sample and really liked it- it’s much cheaper and maybe even a little bit less greasy than La Roche Posay. So that’s it for daytime, aside from occasional Dr. Hauschka Lip Balm. This is the only lip product I can use without irritation.

At night, I’ve been washing off the sunblock with either a milky cleanser from Nivea that I got here in Germany, or else Burt’s Bees Cucumber Face Wipes. I’ll have to find a good cleanser once I get home, since the wipes are pretty expensive if you use them every day. From there it’s strictly Dr. Hauschka products. I discovered them in Germany, having heard the name before, whispered by a makeup artist one day at a theater workshop. They are also sold at the Apotheka, and while they are prohibitively expensive at Whole Foods at home, here in Germany they are much more affordable, and so I stock up whenever I’m here. Amazon is a good place to check for Dr. Hauschka at a reasonable price as well. I use the Cleansing Cream in the shower once or twice a week. It’s a gentle exfoliator with what feels like tiny grains of sand in it, but it leaves your skin feeling really hydrated (my skin tends to be dry). Every night I use the Eye Cream, not just under the eye, but all over the lid and everything. I follow up with the Quince Cream- a light and fresh moisturizer that smells of quince. I’ve never had a cold sore or any kind of breakout from using these products and that’s really saying something for me. I do cut the Quince Cream with a tiny bit of water to make it easier to spread on. I wet the fingers of one hand and rub it together with the cream before spreading it all over my face and neck. In the morning, my skin just feels nice and soft. So that’s all- sunblock and lip balm for daytime; face wash, Cleansing Cream, Eye Cream, and Quince Cream for nighttime. And currently no makeup, though I am tempted to experiment with these things I see the kids doing. We’ll see.

Medication Mixup and Minimalist Memorabilia

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Okay, so I’ve been having some bad days here in Berlin. Yesterday I broke down crying at the cafe, unable to think of what to write about, or else just unable to motivate, it’s hard to say. I felt like my brain was stuck in a pile of mud. I kept spacing out and feeling like I needed to lie down. Finally, I downed my coffee and we walked home, my husband just as exasperated as I was. Once there, he drew the curtains, turned on the fan, and let me decompress on the bed while he tried to continue working at the kitchen table. I watched 3 and a half hours of YouTube, and the time just flew by. I didn’t feel rested at all afterwards, just like I couldn’t keep up with life.

I’ve been stressed out by everything lately. Waking up, I’m dreading exercise. At the cafe, I’m stressed about the heat- it’s in the 90s today- and in the afternoon, I’m already stressed about the evening routine. Will I be able to concentrate enough to watch movies or TV? Will I eat the right foods for dinner? Will I be able to get through the time between dinner and my bedtime snack? Will I be able to fall asleep before the akathisia from my meds sets in? And then in the morning it all starts over again. My routine starts to close in on me sometimes and I feel like I’m just scraping by. Last night as I was trying to calm down and relax, I thought I’d take my bedtime anti-anxiety medication a bit early. I opened my pill case and looked for the little blue pill. I couldn’t find it. It wasn’t there. All these nights I’ve been struggling to fall asleep, struggling to stay asleep, and it never occurred to me that I might have forgotten that little blue pill.

I dole out my pills once a week into 3 pill cases: morning, afternoon, and bedtime. The bedtime pills and vitamins are quite a fistful, so it’s easy for me to overlook something like that. I’m very methodical in how I dole them out, opening each bottle and replacing it into the clear plastic zipper pouch in which I keep all the bottles. But putting anti-anxiety medication into the pill case is new (I used to just keep the bottle by the bed). I don’t remember doing it either time I filled the pills since being in Berlin, and I’m not even sure I did it with the original set of pills I left home with. That means that there have been at least two (maybe three) weeks with some days without any anti-anxiety medication, and other days where I only took it in the early hours of the morning to fall back asleep. And so I wonder how many of these “bad days” can be attributed to this little mixup. I’ve been on this medication for years now, taking it at bedtime for at least a year, so this could have really been throwing things out of whack. I’m hopeful that putting it back in will at least help make nighttime less stressful, if not help balance me out throughout the day.

And once again I’m reminded that just when you’re blaming yourself or your circumstances for your misery, it’s a good idea to check your meds. There are all kinds of symptoms of chemical problems that we really think must be behavioral. I was questioning my routine, questioning the timing of every little move I make, blaming my husband for “jinxing” me, and it never occurred to me that there might be a chemical problem.

The last time I had a medication-induced problem was when I was suffering from akathisia at night, after taking my Latuda. Experimentation proved that the horrible climbing-the-walls feeling of akathisia was indeed from the surge of Latuda soon after taking it. Now I take it right before bed (with the 350 calorie snack it requires). Problem solved.

Another example of this has to do with exercise. I still absolutely loathe exercising, despite having been doing it 6 days a week since the start of the year. My endurance seems to be at a standstill. Usually if I’m exercising regularly, I can run for at least a half hour at a stretch, and if I’m on the treadmill, I alternate between a slow speed of 4.3 and a high speed of 5.3. This regime seems so far away right now, despite my religious consistency with walking and running. Currently, I’m only doing 10 minutes of running and 10 minutes of walking on cardio days, and that seems a real struggle. I keep complaining to my husband about it, but I have yet to find a solution. And then the other day, he read an article in The New York Times that talked about Metformin and an experiment that suggested it might interfere with increasing aerobic endurance. I’m on Metformin, as a preventative for diabetes since my weight was so high. Now that I’m down 30 pounds, I might be able to come off of it, and that might solve this exercise problem. We shall see. All I’m saying is, when experiencing any symptoms, it’s worth checking your meds.

There have been random “good days” interspersed with the bad: two days ago we went to the Alte Nationalgalerie (an art museum). I was able to wander through the museum, walk the distance to “Museum Island” from the subway, and have a pleasant coffee in a secluded courtyard cafe on the way home. It’s the kind of day that makes you superstitious- what did I do today and how can I replicate it exactly so I will have another good day?

At the museum gift shop, we bought some souvenirs. Partly due to my minimalist tendencies and partly due to a lack of luggage space, we’ve rarely brought much home from Europe. I have a couple of pieces of jewelry and one dress from Paris, but our only other allowance for souvenirs has been postcards, especially postcards from art museums. They usually have postcards of memorable pieces at the gift shop, and it’s nice to have a picture of something beautiful or meaningful that we saw on our trip. A lot of minimalists shun souvenirs, and for the most part, I do too. But postcards are small, flat, easy to store or display, and inexpensive. My husband looks through the box of them every time he starts a new design for an opera set, and I like to keep a few on binder clips hung on nails in the wall in my office, swapping them out periodically. This time, we bought nine postcards, not for sending, just for us. Buying only postcards on trips is a good rule of thumb if you’re going minimalist but can’t let souvenirs go altogether. Personally, I need help remembering trips since my memory is pretty poor, but I still don’t want to clutter up our house with magnets and keychains and mini Eiffel Towers. Memorabilia and sentimental items are always the hardest to get rid of when you’re decluttering, so it’s best to nip the problem in the bud and just not buy the stuff. Or else keep it to small things, a small number of things, things that are extremely useful, or even better, just photos.

Seasonal Capsules and Winter Accessories

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There seems to be a great divide when it comes to seasonal capsule wardrobes. Some people think storing away out-of-season clothing is a great idea, inherent to the capsule wardrobe concept. But devout followers of Marie Kondo and her The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up as well as many minimalists out there insist that it’s best to keep everything out all year. I definitely see the benefits and drawbacks of both ideas, and while I’ve always kept everything out all year, I’ve been thinking about experimenting with the seasonal storage approach. Marie Kondo says in her books that it’s unnecessary to store things away because when you have the right amount of clothing, you don’t need extra storage. I’d agree with this, and add that storing things away can lead to forgetting what you have, and then buying things you don’t need- especially when the season starts to change and you’re bombarded with summer sales announcements in your inbox. But I guess the main reason I’ve always done it this way is that I just like to know where every item I own is at all times. Maybe a bit obsessive, but that’s just how my brain works.

Now there are loads of people doing the seasonal capsule wardrobe instead of just a minimal wardrobe. Caroline Joy of the blog Un-fancy was one of the pioneers of the seasonal capsule concept that most people are familiar with online. She recommends a capsule of 37 pieces every 3 months, storing out-of-season clothing away for the rest of the year. But she also suggests a strict no-shopping policy for the 3 months of each season. Her idea is to only use the last 2 weeks of the season to shop for the following season, having assessed what you already have in storage. This sounds like a reasonable and deliberate approach that allows you to not stare at your bulky puffer coat every day of a blisteringly hot summer. I think this system also helps you touch base with your wardrobe and declutter as necessary, maybe even clearing things out at the end of each season when you’re most familiar with what worked and what didn’t. One other benefit to the seasonal storage idea is mentioned by Jennifer L. Scott, who introduced the Ten-Item Wardrobe in her book, Lessons from Madame Chic. She suggests that switching items out each season can make you feel like you’ve just gone shopping. I love this idea- seeing your seasonal items with fresh eyes could absolutely help with those “summer sale” urges. Why buy new items when you’ve just been reunited with an old favorite?

For the time being, I’m storing out-of-season sweaters and hats and gloves in my chest of drawers, where there’s plenty of room to do so. And so, for the final installment of my capsule wardrobe/minimalist closet inventory, here are my 8 winter accessories:

First are the 4 items for everyday wear:

1 grey cotton slouchy beanie

1 grey wool oversized beanie

1 blue velvet 1920s style flower hat

1 pair tan leather gloves (Lands’ End)

And then 4 more items for cold-weather exercise:

1 Under Armor striped grey and turquoise beanie

1 Old Navy grey fleece scarf

1 pair black Under Armor liner gloves

1 pair grey Under Armour flap mittens

(The scarves are in their own category, but to reiterate, I have 2 winter scarves: an oversized cashmere grey cable knit scarf and a blush Calvin Klein logo scarf.)

I bought the grey cotton slouchy beanie this year, but I’m afraid it’s been a mild failure. I was trying to replace the hand-knit wool beanie due to incessant fuzziness, but that’s proved difficult. I finally settled on the cotton one from TJ Maxx, but it’s just not warm enough, so now I have both. My other strategy with the wool hat’s fuzziness was to have at it with a depiller comb. Note to self: this does not work on chunky knits. In fact, it makes it worse. So then I carefully skimmed over it with my husband’s electric clippers. This gave acceptable results, so I ended up keeping the hat, but it seemed premature to get rid of the cotton one. The blue velvet hat is from a street vendor in Times Square. It’s my fancy winter hat. The leather gloves were a gift from my husband and have those fingertips where you can use your phone with your gloves on. I hesitated to wear them much this year out of fear of losing them, which is ridiculous. The running hat and scarf are both warm and easy to throw in the wash. The liner gloves go under the flap mittens, so you can just slip your fingers out of the flaps to change songs mid-run. I’m packing all these into the bottom drawer with the sweaters for now. We’ll see if I feel like I just went shopping when I pull them out next year.

Travel Workout Routine and Jewelry

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It’s astonishing to me that despite my recent travels, I have yet to default on my workout routine. That said, not having access to a gym makes things a little different. Strength training happens inside our own apartment in what little floor space we have. We have two alternating workouts, which we do every other day, if that makes any sense. So, for instance, one week we do chest twice and back once, and the next week we do back twice and chest once, with cardio days in between. So we’ve kept the same routine here in Germany, but we’ve had to change the specific exercises. Chest day is simply push-ups (on my knees) and then squats. Back day is bicep curls with water bottles in a backpack, then squats, then “Superman holds.” That’s what I call the move where you get on your hands and knees and extend your left arm and right leg for 20 seconds, then switch sides and do the same. We still do 3 sets of everything, just like at the gym. After these mini strength workouts, we walk uphill in the park across the street. It just happens to have an upward climb that ends at a monument with lots of steps at the top. If we wander around a bit, it takes about the full required 10 minutes. Alternate days are simpler: We walk at the park for 5 minutes, run for 5 minutes, walk for 5, and run for 5 more. The uphill/downhill element changes pretty randomly, but psychologically I’ve accepted that it’s about the same as what I do at home. We’re also walking around a lot every day, so that helps me ignore any discrepancy between the home workout and the travel one.

Walking down the main drag here today, I stopped in a couple of shops with some lovely jewelry. I’m carefully considering whether to buy anything since I’m trying to maintain a pretty minimal jewelry collection. But it’s been my ritual to bring home one piece from each trip to Europe (my peacock earrings from Germany, my bird earrings from Paris) so I am considering it. I packed with me for this trip 4 items from my current collection: blue round glass studs, pink round glass studs, silver bent-wire hoops, and a brown beaded bracelet. I go through phases with jewelry, usually cycling through a few pieces for a few months at a time, and that’s what’s in the current rotation.

My complete collection consists of 27 pieces:

9 Earrings:

Blue glass studs: These were a gift from Matt’s mom, one of those randomly spot-on gifts that ends up becoming a favorite. I liked them so much that I went on Thredup and looked for some like them in another color.

Blush pink round glass studs: I found these on Thredup. I love how subtle they are.

Bent-wire silver hoops: These are from LOFT. I find them much edgier than what you’d expect from LOFT, but you never know where you’ll find things sometimes.

Gold mushroom-cap studs: These are from a beautiful gift shop in Providence called NAVA. I’m not sure they work on me- too yellow, perhaps?

White circle earrings: These are from Old Navy. I bought them when I needed some non-dangly earrings to wear to work at a coffee shop. Apparently the dangles might end up in a latte or something.

Blue dangly beaded earrings: These are from a random trip to Kohl’s with my mom. I’m sure a coupon was involved.

Aged brass painted bird earrings: These are from a Paris vintage shop. I lost one of the original coral beads, so I changed them out for jade green ones I got on Etsy. My husband made me a matching necklace out of the extra beads (see green wedding necklace).

Peacock dangly earrings: These are from our first trip to Germany in 2010. I got them at a fast fashion store called Pimkie.

Rhinestone drop earrings: These were found in the vacant apartment at my brother’s house where the tenant had left behind loads of stuff, including our current sofa and armchair.

5 Necklaces:

Grandma’s medals: These are little Catholic medals my Grandma gave me as a kid, all strung onto a long silver chain. My favorite is the tiny full-color Virgin Mary.

Blue tassel necklace: This was a gift from my mom one recent Christmas. I picked it out and she wrapped it.

Green wedding necklace: These beads were first strung onto a white ribbon, which I wore long at our wedding. Later I was afraid of the ribbon breaking over time, so we got some wire and a closure at a craft store and made a choker.

Tiny star necklace: This was a NYC garment district purchase. There are tons of these cheap jewelry places with loads of beads and things.

Rhinestone antique necklace: This was from Bee-bop-a-lula, the vintage shop of my high school days. I wore it for a number of formal singing occasions, including my senior voice recital.

3 Bracelets:

Brown beaded bracelet and Pink faceted beaded bracelet: These are both from a stack of bracelets that my mom picked out for me one Christmas in college. They created this great boho-style look with some other bracelets that have since departed due to weight gain.

White seed-bead bracelet: This is the one bracelet remaining from a stack my uncle got me for my senior recital. The others were pink and purple, not really my colors.

4 Brooches:

Turtle, Crown, Pointy star, Round star: These antique brooches were my grandmother’s, just some costume jewelry trinkets she gave me to play with when I was little. I love the tiny turtle one, but I wish it still had more of its stones.

6 Miscellaneous:

White stone ring: This was something I got at Forever 21 when I was looking for jewelry to wear with a red dress for my best friend’s wedding. I was a bridesmaid and she was kind enough to give me some red-stoned jewelry to wear, but I still hung on to this ring.

White faux-leather watch: This was from my working days at Brown University when it was just practical. I think it was from Target.

Turquoise clear-lensed glasses: These are definitely from Target, I think when Matt and I were in Miami for his work. I wear them when I need a bit of distance from the world.

Pink sequin clip: This might be called a “fascinator” or just a hair clip, but it has a little alligator clip on it, so I’ve used it to clip scarves as well.

Sunglasses: These were $3 from Job Lot, a ubiquitous discount store only in Rhode Island and Massachusetts. An absolute steal.

Necklace extender: I grabbed this in NY when I was there for a concert. It hadn’t occurred to me that my necklace wouldn’t fit since I’d gained weight, but apparently it has occurred to other people and they’ve solved the problem.

Over the past couple of years, I haven’t even bothered to wear jewelry very much. But much like my high-heel collection, I consider it “aspirational clutter” - things I don’t use now, but hope to as I get better. I have edited it down quite a bit to just my very favorite and very practical things, storing sentimental items away with mementos. It’s funny, a lot of times when I was getting dressed for a psychiatrist’s appointment, I might think to put earrings on, and then quickly change my mind. I’d think how doctors might look for clues like “patient is wearing jewelry” as evidence that you’re doing better. And I didn’t want to give anyone the impression that I was doing better than I really was. And so I wore jewelry just about never, almost as a protective measure. But maybe there’s a way to think of it as more protective to wear the jewelry than not. I’m thinking of those with punk or gothic inclinations who wear jewelry as a rejection of the mainstream, not as submission to it. Basically, I’d like to wear it on my own terms, not just in a traditionally feminine way.

Mood Update and Painting Clothes

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I’ve been getting a lot of foot rubs from my husband. This is a sure sign that I’ve been crying a lot in the afternoons. Well, I guess late afternoon and early evening to be specific. And night time doesn’t always get any better. I have a really hard time relaxing- even watching TV feels like work. I was so relieved when the akathisia finally went away, but now things are not so good again. I had talked to my psychiatrist about this a while back, and we discussed behavioral solutions to the mood drop. I really did think it was situational and not medication-related, so I sought out adult education courses and tried to go to the library or ride my bike to the cafe for a second round of writing. None of these options materialized, mostly because I have no motivation when I get home from the first visit to the cafe. Having written and typed a blog, or worked on photos, or done some editing, or all of the above, I just want to relax when I get home between 4 and 5pm. Exercise is usually in the morning/midday when I wake up, and then I shower, eat breakfast, and get dressed. And for me, the exercise, basic self-care, and writing at the cafe amounts to a full day for me. And so what do I do when I’m done for the day? Sometimes I’ve tried to just keep working, and that can help, but I don’t usually have the energy for that. What ends up happening most of the time is I lay down in our bedroom with the curtains drawn, thinking and dozing, and then usually end up wide awake with horribly negative thoughts. Then the crying starts, my husband tries to comfort me, I take a Klonopin, and I might end up getting an intensely painful foot massage (it helps with the emotional pain). This combination of Klonopin and foot rubs will calm me down, but fill me with guilt and remorse for being such a burden, and just such a downer in general. My husband never gets to relax since I can’t relax. And so he’s run ragged taking care of me, picking up my slack (doing chores, etc.), all while trying to get his work done, manage the house, plan business trips, look for future work, and work his “day job” tutoring at a local college. So if there’s something I can do to improve the evenings, I’m eager to find it. My great hope right now is that in Berlin I’ll be able to walk to a cafe twice a day instead of just once. There are so many coffee shops in walking distance that it just doesn’t seem like as big a deal to go out again in the late afternoon. Maybe at that time I could just listen to an audiobook or read books on my computer. But for the time being, I’m just watching YouTube in the dark to get through. There’s something so soothing about watching those incredibly detailed clothing reviews and styling tips. Now mornings- mornings are good in general. I can be silly and laugh hysterically with my husband, and I’m just more game for things.

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Today we went to the dump to get rid of a broken air conditioner. Our last tenant left it in a recycling bin while moving out, which thoroughly confused us, but it probably just indicates simple ignorance. Before I owned a home, it never occurred to me that you actually have to pay money to get rid of trash. We do have free (tax-funded) curbside pickup for household garbage here, but for construction projects we’ve hired dumpsters or paid by the pound at the dump. And so we made the 25 minute trek to the state landfill/recycling center and paid $12 to get rid of it. I went along on this little trip to try to ensure that my husband did not throw his back out right before our trip lifting said air conditioner on his own. I think it worked.

But when doing such chores, I’ve learned to wear appropriate clothing. That doesn’t mean leggings for the gym or the jacket you wear to work. Clothes can really get wrecked from cleaning, painting, and any kind of heavy lifting (stains and snags are common). And so I have a small capsule of “painting clothes” reserved especially for such occasions. They’ve already made an appearance in anticipation of painting and cleaning our rental apartment between tenants (we had a new tenant move in on June 1st).

The painting clothes capsule’s 11 items consist of:

1 pair old sneakers

1 pair rubber boots

2 pairs old socks

1 pair skinny jeans

1 pair pajama shorts

2 T-shirts

1 long-sleeved thermal top

1 zip-up hoodie

1 fleece-lined vest

This little assortment of things allows me to paint or deep clean in warm or cold weather, rake leaves, shovel snow (with a coat and hat), move furniture, tile bathrooms, and mow the lawn if need be. Now my husband does take care of most of these things the past couple of years due to my depression, but I hope to be able to chip in more and more like I used to. And I realize a lot of people out there have “people” to do such things, but we’re landlords of a 3-family house and do a lot of home improvements on our own. We gutted our own apartment, insulated our own walls, framed walls, skimcoated walls, tiled two bathrooms and our kitchen backsplash, poured our own shower floor, installed our own kitchen cabinets, installed our own molding, built our own vanity out of a dresser from Craigslist, and have painted just about every inch of the 3-story Victorian, ten-foot walls, ceilings, hallways and all. While these clothing items might not fit into a “real” minimalist’s backpack, they are utterly necessary for me.

Official Packing List for Germany

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We’re less than a week out from our month-long trip to Berlin, Germany and the pressure’s on. We have a new tenant moving into our 3rd floor apartment (we live on the first floor) in 2 days and have some DIY to get done tonight and tomorrow before she arrives. We still have errands to run, medications to procure, and packing to do. While the weather here has cooled down since that one day I wore shorts, the weather in Berlin is heating up to 88 degrees this week, so I’m not sure what to expect when we get there. I need to be prepared for 52 degrees at night to 72 degrees some days to apparently 88 degrees on others. I’ve deliberated on this and I think I’ve decided to bring a few cold weather things and then count on T-shirts and two pairs of shorts for any heat waves. Packing for a month is no small feat, but I do try to keep in mind that it’s not that different than packing for a week- there is a laundromat nearby. And it’s always good to remind myself that they do have stores in Germany if I forget something or my clothes get lost by the airline. So here’s where it stands (the starred* items are what I’ll wear on the plane):

Pants/Shorts:

  • Blue men’s pants and black leather belt*

  • Grey men’s pants

  • Grey joggers

  • Grey linen pants

  • 2 Black shorts

Shoes:

  • Logger Boots*

  • Running shoes

  • Adidas sneakers

Tops:

  • 1 Hanes light blue tee*

  • 3 ASOS black/white/grey tees

  • 2 Gap Factory black tees

  • 2 Gap Factory navy tees

  • 2 J. Crew navy tees

Layers:

  • Navy blue hoodie*

  • Tan anorak jacket

  • Green corduroy shirt

  • Grey cashmere sweater

  • White lightweight scarf

Underwear:

  • 9 pairs underwear

  • 2 white sports bras

  • 4 lace bralettes

Socks:

  • 6 Puma black workout socks

  • 6 Puma white ankle socks

  • 3 Solid crew socks

  • 3 Marled crew socks*

Pajamas:

  • 4 Blue pocket tees

  • 4 Grey (workout) tees

  • 4 jersey shorts

Workout:

  • Under Armor leggings

  • Navy Danskin leggings

  • Black Calvin Klein cropped leggings

  • 2 black sports bras

  • Grey zip-up fleece

Jewelry:

  • Blue round glass studs

  • Pink round glass studs

  • Silver bent-wire long hoops

  • Brown beaded stretch bracelet

Toiletries:

  • Tweezers

  • Nail clippers

  • Razor and blades

  • Tinkle razor

  • Electric clippers

  • La Roche-Posay sunblock (trying to use up)

  • Elta MD sunblock (new)

  • Vichy stick sunblock (for working out) (similar here)

  • Eczema cream (in a smaller bottle)

  • Medicated shampoo

  • Mini toothpaste

  • Mini toothbrush

  • Electric toothbrush and charger

  • Deodorant

Miscellaneous:

  • Hanging laundry rack

  • Vodka spray

  • Stain remover spray

  • Water bottle

  • Coffee cone and filters

  • 2 Cloth bags

  • Large grocery bag

  • Passport

  • Purse

  • Sunglasses

Medications (41 days’ worth to be safe):

  • Atypical anti-psychotic

  • Mood stabilizer

  • Antidepressant 1

  • Antidepressant 2

  • Thyroid medication

  • Blood sugar regulator

  • Anti-anxiety medication

  • Pain reliever (in case of menstrual cramps)

  • Anti-viral medication (in case of cold sores)

Vitamins:

  • Calcium

  • Magnesium

  • B-12

  • Fish Oil

  • Vitamin D

  • Melatonin

Electronics:

Books:

  • Latest notebook and 2 blanks

  • Poetry notebook and 1 blank

  • Bullet journal

  • Meds calendar

  • Crossword puzzle book

I think that about covers it. I’m not bringing any makeup- just sunblock and moisturizer, which is all I normally use. No hair appliances either- I’m strictly a drip-dry gal. No paper books- although I have several on Kindle and Audible, as well as music on iTunes and in the cloud. And I should explain my strategy with pajama/workout tees: I’ll wear one to bed and then just keep it on to work out in the next morning, like I do at home. That way, 8 tees is plenty in that department. Otherwise, workout gear is a little tough. I will have to hand wash bras and leggings every day or two in order to give them time to dry and still have a fresh set the next day. I did something like this on our last trip to Germany and it worked fine. Not something I’d want to do at home, but for the month it’s fine. Some perhaps strange items you may be wondering about on the toiletries list: A Tinkle brand razor is a facial straight-razor for my lovely little chin-hairs that pop out once in a while. Vodka spray is a genius little trick I learned from a costume designer- it’s (odorless) straight vodka and gets the smell out of not-so-fresh clothes you don’t have a chance to wash. Great for the airport after a long flight. A hanging laundry dryer is just that- three levels of mesh for flat drying that you can hang on a standard closet rod, and it folds up into a small, lightweight circle about 8 inches across for traveling. An absolute dream of a gadget (I got mine on Amazon) if you have hand washing to do. And a European voltage converter is different from a simple plug adapter; it actually steps the voltage down from 220 volts down to our U.S. standard of 110 volts. Make sure you have one of these when abroad so you don’t set your hair dryer on fire. And then there are a number of things we’ll buy when we get there: shampoo, conditioner, soap, face wash, tissues, toilet paper, mouthwash, and toothpaste. We’ll get groceries and dish soap for the kitchen, which will save us a lot of money from eating out- did I even mention we’re staying in an Air BnB with a kitchen? And aside from all that, we’re fancy-free for a month in Berlin. My husband will be traveling by train for meetings and the like, but I’m at my leisure to blog, take photos, and explore the city. That sounds really great when I put it that way, but I do have to take into account my fluctuating moods. There may be days where I’m holed up in our studio apartment, unable to deal with speaking German or being out and about in public on my own. But being able to stay in one place for the duration is a definite advantage when it comes to keeping my routines in place. And hopefully, if I stay on my meds and keep up the daily exercise, I’ll be able to enjoy myself in a new-to-me city. And looking for a new-to-me pair of men’s pants (to replace my too-big blue ones) in the many nearby thrift stores will make me feel right at home.

So What, I Bought a T-Shirt

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50 shades of grey…

I finally decided to buy a new white T-shirt. It’s one of those things that’s nearly impossible to thrift, especially in the limited plus size section at most thrift stores. And I feel I’ve paid my dues in trying to salvage the old ones. First I pulled the old Gap Factory ones out of storage. They were worn out and see-through, so I doubled them up. I’ve been wearing the two shirts layered like this for a while, but I think I’ve finally come to the point where they’re just too worn and dumpy looking to wear. They’re still a bit see-through, even with two of them on, and I’m just not comfortable with my skin (and my bra) showing through.

And then there was the DIY with an old LOFT swing tee. This one had yellow pit stains, but they weren’t too noticeable. It was otherwise in good shape. But I hated the shape- short in front, long in back. So I put elastic through the hem of the shirt, attempting to create a blouson effect. This actually kind of worked, but the real problem was how short the shirt was in front. I wore it a few times with the elastic in and just kept feeling like my belly was too close to being exposed.

So, with a month-long trip to Germany coming up, I decided to just give it up and buy a new T-shirt. I ordered the very same ASOS T-shirt that came in the 3-pack with my black and grey ones (you can buy them individually for $9.50 plus $4.99 with shipping). If you’ve been reading along for a while now, you’ll remember the White T-Shirt Disaster with the original one. I wore it with some very fancy deodorant from Dr. Hauschka (the rose-scented one) and it left huge grey stains all over the armpit area. The stains were very noticeable, so the T-shirt was destined for the rag pile. It may seem strange that I’ve ultimately decided to just replace it with the identical one, but I’m no longer using that deodorant for fear of it ruining other shirts. I’ve been using a standard anti-perspirant deodorant (with aluminum in it) that works a lot better anyway. And that particular white T-shirt is just so good. It’s thick enough that it’s not see-through at all, and it’s nice and soft and has a high (but not too tight) neckline. It’s kind of an athletic look, which I’m really favoring right now when worn with my joggers and Adidas sneakers.

And speaking of Adidas sneakers, I accidentally bought a back-up pair of identical sneakers at TJ Maxx yesterday. I was only there because my husband needed a 3-pack of Calvin Klein crewnecks, but at the last minute I decided to look at the underwear. I have 9 pairs, but if we’re strictly doing laundry once a week while we’re in Germany, I guess a couple extra pairs would help get me through. With working out 6 days a week, plus walking around in the sun, I sometimes go through 2 pairs a day, so I justified the purchase in my mind. They didn’t have anything in my size, but as I was walking towards the underwear section, something in the shoe section caught my eye: a pair of identical-to mine, black and white striped Adidas faux-Superstars. They don’t have the official rubber clamshell at the toe, and I can verify that they fit quite differently than the real from-the-Adidas-website sneakers. I’ve been wearing the ones I already had pretty frequently lately, though quite gingerly, for fear of getting them dirty or wearing them out too quickly (they’re not particularly well-made). And so a second pair has been on my mind, as back-up for when mine wear out. I first went on a “quest” with my mom to a nearby store, then with my husband back to the original store, then to another, and finally to one more. Four stores and no luck in my size. And then just walking by the size 8 section of the shoes back at the original store, they appeared. I hesitated. I had emotionally let go of buying a second pair. I refused to pursue them at any more distant TJ Maxxes, and decided to leave it to fate what sneakers I’d wear when the first pair wore out. But here I was, faced with the very thing I’d looked for so ardently. And so I bought them. Buying multiples is a frequent strategy for me, being such a picky shopper. So I guess I shouldn’t be surprised at this little splurge. But it does reveal a mild hoarding tendency that I do battle when shopping.

And then my purchases seemed to fuel a little shopping-fever for the next couple of days. I was able to resist, but it’s funny how that rush of dopamine can get addictive so quickly. I hope I can be strong, especially when I’m in Berlin and surrounded by things you can’t get at home.

Decluttering: Where Does It All Go?

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This is our local Savers. I counted four massive trailer containers in addition to the huge trash compactor, all presumably full of overflow donations.

As I’ve recently decluttered my closet, I’ve been trying to decide what to do with my cast-offs (the thrift store seems like a bad idea; supposedly only 10% of donations make it into the thrift store). The stuff that’s in decent shape, I’ve been planning to sell on Ebay. But then I started considering sending everything into Thredup. I’ve sold clothes to Thredup before, when I was shopping my local thrift stores for hidden gems- mostly upscale and designer items. I made a bunch of money this way. But Thredup has changed a lot over the last couple of years, and the payouts aren’t nearly so hefty. Plus the clothes I have to sell now are not expensive to begin with. Most of my things, according to Thredup’s “Payout Estimator,” would only get $.50-$1.00 if I sent them in. But going with Thredup means not having to go through photographing and listing them on Ebay, which can be tedious. And they would have a chance of finding a good home, probably more so than if I donated to the local thrift store. One issue I have with Thredup, however, is that they typically only “accept” for resale about 40% of each bag you send in. They claim the remainder is “reused or recycled responsibly,” but they do not elaborate on what that means. So whether I do Ebay or Thredup, there are bound to be some clothes that have nowhere to go. Some of my things are worn beyond use, and can’t be resold at all. And then some might just be overlooked or unwanted. So what do you do with all that stuff? The thrift store can’t use it and I already have too many cleaning rags. So I guess it’s just another pile of stuff in the trash. And I agonize over this. I attribute a lot of it to seeing that documentary, The True Cost. Upon watching it, I felt a new determination to stop contributing to the incredibly wasteful and unethical fast fashion industry. But it’s moments like these when I wonder if I’m being a bit too literal. I throw away (to the landfill) a couple of garbage bags of waste every week, mostly food packaging that can’t be recycled. And I don’t torture myself over it because it seems like there’s no other practical option. I know there are fanatics out there going “zero-waste” in an attempt to save the planet, but I kind of write that off as people just trying to assuage their consciences. The real problem is so much bigger than whether we use a plastic bag or a cloth one. There needs to be major overhaul in governmental regulations in order to effectively address the climate crisis. Political action and activism is, in my opinion, way more crucial than patting yourself on the back for shunning single-use plastic. Not that there’s anything wrong with doing the little things, it’s just that I think it masks the real problem. I think there’s a point where you’re just trying to say that it’s not your fault that we’re in a crisis. If I didn’t create any waste this month, I can just blame others for creating so much themselves. But it’s not individuals’ behavior that really makes a big impact. It’s government intervention in big business, it’s across-the-board changes in huge corporations that can really put things right. It’s not so much whether or not you buy a T-shirt at the Gap. Maybe it’s a bit of depressed thinking here- feeling that no matter what I do as an individual, it won’t change anything. But I do believe that collective political action can. The problem I find, and that I think so many others find, is that I don’t know how to get involved in an effective way. I’ve been looking into apps that allow you to contact your congresspeople and weigh in on environmental issues. So far what I’ve found is an app called “Countable.” It’s a little tricky to use, especially if you’re like me and tend to bury your head in the sand when it comes to politics because it’s just so depressing. But it does provide background information about each issue and an explanation of the pros and cons of each piece of legislation. So if it’s something you’ve never heard of before, you can educate yourself pretty easily. And it does allow you to vote on individual bills and share your opinions with your legislators. There is also something called “5calls.org” which gives you the specific people to contact in regards to various issues. It also gives you their phone numbers and a script to read to whoever answers the phone, or to their voicemail. I’m certainly no expert and am just learning about these things myself, but I think this is the best use of my energy when it comes to environmental and ethical issues.

But back to the stuff. We simply have to throw some things away. Having a capsule wardrobe hopefully reduces the amount of discarded items you end up with. But when the clothes are still good (they just don’t fit you or suit you anymore), it always comes back to resale for me. Sometimes I’ll see a pair of Old Navy denim shorts on Ebay for $.99 and wonder, why bother taking the pictures when you’re making less than a dollar after fees? And the reason to bother is to find that item a new home. If someone is willing to pay for something, no matter how little, they at least want it and will hopefully use it. But there will always be some waste at the end of an item’s life. Textile recycling is not available in my area and this is where something like Thredup might be especially useful. Since they are a somewhat large company, they may have access to a recycling program that I as an individual do not. So it may be that sending them my stuff is the best thing. I wish I knew what really happens to their discard pile; I will keep you posted if I can find anything out. All things considered, Ebay and Thredup are both good options: Thredup is more convenient, and possibly more capable of handling unsellable items; Ebay gives you more control over individual items, and more money for your stuff. We can all only do our best on an individual level. But part of that is joining in on a political level.

Scanning Old Photos

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My grandmother in her youth

My grandmother in her youth

I’ve been working on a little (or not so little) clutter-clearing project. I’ve been scanning all my photos onto a hard drive and backing them up in the cloud. The idea was that I’d be able to get rid of a full photo box (about the size of a shoebox) of old photos. I’d looked into having it done professionally, and it was more expensive than buying this fancy scanner and doing it myself, plus I can pass it on to my mom when I’m done. At some point when I was apparently feeling ambitious, I did organize the photos into categories, so that part was done. But the scanning itself became a source of procrastination. I wanted it to be done already; I didn’t want to actually have to do it. Going through all those memories of high school musicals and failed relationships sounded like an absolute nightmare to me. But I finally bit the bullet and did it. It took about a week of feeding the photos into the scanner, then lying on the couch while the computer processed and saved them. Towards the end, the pile seemed to almost feel “sticky,” like it was harder and harder to get through them. Categories were too small; I didn’t know what to name them. Proof sheets of old headshots had faded to near-black. I decided I would just keep putting things in the scanner, even if the categories weren’t perfect or the quality wasn’t so great. I finished, and then I didn’t know what to do. I’d planned on dumping the lot into the recycling bin and that would be that. But my husband pointed out that photos can’t be recycled, and he reminded me that I’ve had regrets in the past when I’ve decluttered a bit too aggressively. Most minimalists will say that they don’t miss a thing they’ve gotten rid of, but I do. Mementos, clothes, books. There are things I wish I had back. I will repurchase books on occasion, but I can never get back those dog-eared Judy Blume books from childhood. And so I paused. For several days.

And then I started the decluttering. I threw out (right in the trash) photos of old boyfriends, blurry backstage shots, and prom photos of people whose names I can’t remember. I threw out about half of the box. And then it started to get tricky. These photos were taken on film and developed in real time; the object of the photo itself is of a certain time. I thought about what sparked joy, Marie Kondo-style. Three high school musicals stayed. A pile of hilarious black and white shots of me and my best friend from college made the cut. And then a stack of miscellaneous photos of close high school friends, of my family over the years, of my grandmother in her youth. I passed on most of the childhood photos to my mom so she can keep them in context when she does her scanning. And I let the rest go. It felt really good, but I still yearned for the release of dumping the lot. I also worried that I hadn’t adhered to any specific rules or methods when it came to what to keep. It’s the inconsistency of decluttering mementos that I find so difficult. Do I keep every prom photo or only some? Do I keep just one shot from every show I’ve done, or more for some shows? I made some arbitrary decisions, trying to keep the Konmari “joy-check” in mind, and I think I’m at peace with what I’m left with.

I recycled the falling-apart photo box and headed to The Container Store for something to store the keepers in. After wandering around the entire store with my mom, looking at archival boxes and sleeves and fancy plastic folders, I ended up at the very front of the store with one of their clear plastic shoe boxes. Since it’s clear, I can see what’s in it, and it fit all the odd-sized photos that wouldn’t have fit in the archival sleeves. I put old, soft nylon hair elastics around each stack, and filed them in the little plastic box. There’s plenty of room for it in my keepsake drawer, and since they’re easy to see, I might actually flip through them from time to time. I have a feeling I’ll be more likely to flip through the scanned photos instead, but for now, it’s nice to have some originals. This is actually the completion of a larger project of digitizing all my archives- all those scores and DVDs of every show I’ve ever done, all those notes from voice lessons, all that sheet music from auditions. Everything is now scanned in and on a tiny little hard drive, about 2 inches by 3 inches. So much of my life. I wonder if I will look at it all again. And I guess it doesn’t really matter. It’s helped me let go of all that by clearing it out, and it’s only by scanning it that I was able to let it go. I feel like now I should have some sense of renewal, like I have a whole new life now. And I guess in some ways I do; I don’t spend hours a day practicing anymore, and I never have to put myself through the horrors of auditioning again. Writing is new for me. We’ll see what comes next.

Decluttering Socks

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Here’s a little sock clear-out:

The Total Wardrobe Update: Capsule, Shoes, Pajamas and Gym Clothes

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After my recent additions and even more recent decluttering, I thought an official inventory was in order. Here are updated lists of every item of clothing in my current wardrobe, barring socks, underwear, and accessories (76 items):

Capsule Wardrobe: 30 items

10 Tees:

2 J. Crew Supima cotton navy tees

1 ASOS black crewneck tee

1 ASOS grey crewneck tee

1 Gap Factory white double-layer tee

2 Gap Factory navy scoopneck tees

2 Gap Factory black scoopneck tees

1 Hanes light blue tee

4 Tops:

2 LOFT black silky strappy camis

1 Cable and Gauge black and white striped tunic

1 Alfani black silky oversized blouse

3 Sweaters:

1 Vince grey cashmere crewneck sweater

1 Magaschoni black cashmere V-neck sweater

1 LOFT oatmeal cotton sweater

5 Layers/Outerwear:

1 Gap men's navy zip-up hoodie

1 Lands' End green corduroy button-down shirt

1 Tan Old Navy anorak jacket (similar here)

1 Lands' End black parka

1 Lauren Ralph Lauren black hooded raincoat

8 Bottoms:

1 Architect men's navy cotton chino pants

1 George men's grey dress pants

2 Gap grey twill joggers

1 Ann Taylor black dress pants

1 Merona linen-blend wide leg pants

2 Old Navy black utility shorts (similar here)

Shoes: 9 pairs

1 Carolina brown leather logger boots

1 black stripe on white Adidas sneakers

1 Superga grey slip on sneakers

1 Lands' End Alpine snow boots (similar here)

1 Naturalizer black loafer-style heels

1 Naturalizer taupe loafer-style heels

1 Miz Mooz green vintage-style ankle strap heels

1 Rampage blush lace up block heel sandals

1 Aerosoles black leather cork wedges

Pajamas: 20 items

10 Tops:

4 Old Navy blue boyfriend tees

2 Old Navy white relaxed fit tanks

1 Old Navy black relaxed fit tank

1 Old Navy grey relaxed fit tank

1 Cable and Gauge black split neck hoodie

1 Lou and Grey LOFT textured grey hoodie

9 Bottoms:

2 Isaac Mizrahi black jersey sleep shorts

1 Isaac Mizrahi palm print jersey sleep shorts

1 Russell Athletic cut-off navy shorts

1 Two by Vince Camuto pink wide leg sweatpants

1 AnyBody taupe wide leg pajama pants

1 Gap grey and white striped joggers

2 Lauren Ralph Lauren navy cotton jersey joggers

1 Slippers:

Lands’ End grey fleece slippers

Gym Clothes: 17 items

10 Bottoms and Layers:

1 Andrea Jovine stretchy black sweatpants

1 Danskin navy cotton leggings

1 Calvin Klein Performance cropped cotton leggings

1 Under Armour Heat Gear black mesh leggings

1 RBX synthetic fleece-lined joggers

1 Under Armour Cold Gear fleece-lined leggings

1 New Balance 860v8 sneakers

10 Tops and Layers:

4 Old Navy grey relaxed fit tees

2 Old Navy black pullover sports bras

1 Under Armour Cold Gear fleece-lined base layer top

1 Under Armour water-resistant pullover hoodie

1 Old Navy grey 3/4 sleeve sweatshirt

1 Columbia grey zip-up fleece

What's interesting to me about all this is how little of my wardrobe is actually everyday clothing that I wear when I'm "dressed." I actually have more gym clothes/pajamas (37 items) than I do regular clothes (30). But the thing is, I actually need all those gym clothes and pajamas. I exercise 6 days a week now, so I need enough things to get me through between laundry days. I also do some cold weather running so I have a whole set of cold weather gear including socks and accessories. I honestly don't know where I would cut back if I wanted to. I see a lot of minimalists out there with one set of pajamas and one pair of leggings for working out, and I've got to say, I think that's gross. Either you smell really bad a lot of the time or you do laundry practically every day, which is not exactly an ideal lifestyle. I saw a chart on Pinterest of a woman's wardrobe list including everything (socks and underwear too) and it amounted to 100 items. I think that sounds as minimal as you can go if you exercise regularly and like clean pajamas. I see a few things here and there that I don't absolutely need, but I think I'm comfortable with my own level of minimalism for now. Anything more extreme would be impractical and I think that pretty much defeats the purpose of minimalism. My own goals with minimalism are to simplify my life and clear out the excess so I can see clearly what I'm working with. So as Marie Kondo says in her Spark Joy, if something sparks joy for you (or you use it regularly), keep it with confidence.

Crying at the Psychiatrist, and Bras and Underwear

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I had my psychiatrist's appointment yesterday and it went unexpectedly downhill. I should have been glad to hear that I lost 5.4 pounds, down from 198 to 192.6. I still cried and felt it wasn't enough. My doctor asked me why I felt like the weight loss wasn't working, and I said that I guess it's because it's so goddamn slow. I told him how I never miss a workout, I never eat above 1800 calories a day, how hard it is, and how seemingly slow the results are. He said that from his perspective, 30 pounds in 7 months was better than most people do. And the fact that I'm doing the exercise and diet (despite how hard they are) sounds positive to him. Then I cried about the afternoons I spend lying in the dark, ruminating on how I've screwed up my life. I cried about how hard it is to take a shower, to brush my teeth. He questioned whether the afternoon mood seems like a time-of-day problem or a circumstantial issue when I'm left alone without a car and without the motivation to do anything. Since Matt and I have tried going to cafes in the afternoon and had a fine time, I told him I don't think it's a time-of-day problem. It's because aside from Matt, my life is garbage. I have nothing to show for 20 years of my life in the arts, and now I'm having to start over at 40 (almost 41) years old. He looked blankly back at me. He seemed genuinely confused as to why I was so upset. We'd just told him how we are going to Berlin for the month of June, partly for Matt's work, and partly just to get out of Dodge. He must have thought I should be happy and looking forward to the trip. He must have thought how I should appreciate the fact that I'm on disability and can leave the country at the drop of a hat. But I don't feel lucky. Everything feels like too little, and that I'm too late to do anything of significance with my life. 41 years old and starting a blog? It's 2019 and everyone else has been doing this for more than a decade. And how will I get anyone to read it anyway? I've shunned social media for so long that I don't know how to even approach getting back into it. My Facebook account hasn't been touched in about 10 years, mostly out of shame. It still has photos from 10 years ago, when I lived in New York and was at my thinnest. I was actively doing plays and auditioning and had friends. So I left my profile frozen in that time. I've had the thought that maybe it's time for me to "come out" on Facebook as fat, and as mentally ill. My husband has told me about friends of ours coming out as gay on Facebook, even an acquaintance who transitioned genders. They are not ashamed of these changes, and yet I'm ashamed of my weight gain and my mental illness. I guess it's a different (though obviously no more difficult) type of stigma around my issues. No one congratulates you or posts "Good for you!" when you announce a hundred pound weight gain. And while there may be an occasional shout-out to a suicide hotline when a celebrity dies from suicide, there's just not the same passion involved when it comes to chronic, treatment-resistant depression. But still, I just might take a stand on my own behalf and challenge my "friends" to accept me as I am.

Now while we're getting personal, here is the current state of my bras and underwear (20 items in all):

8 Bras:

2 Low-impact white (sort of graying) sports bras. I got these in the garment district in NYC. I have no idea of the brand or origin of these, though I've had them for at least 12 years now.

4 Lace-back bralettes by Marilyn Monroe Intimates, one black, one navy, one pale pink, and one rosy pink. I found a 2-pack at Marshalls and stalked down two more packs in my size at a different Marshalls. I did a bit of an illegal switcheroo and re-tagged the garish fluorescent pink ones and returned them. These are super comfortable and look fine even when you can see them under a top. The lace even covers an itchy tag on one of my sweaters.

2 Foam-cup, proper bras, one nude, one black. The brand is Vanity Fair, specifically the “Beauty Back” bra. I rarely wear these lately, but they're good for times when I want to look put together. Because they're a larger size, the band is nice and wide and has 3 hooks instead of the standard 2 you get in smaller sizes.

9 Underwear:

9 pairs of Ellen Tracy microfiber briefs in mauve/beige/black, all bought at Marshalls or TJ Maxx.

3 Other items:

1 Maidenform shapewear bodysuit. This can feel like body armor when you need it- sometimes I just feel too vulnerable having other people see my wobbly fat rolls through my clothes.

1 Cotton Kimono Robe. This was stolen from my husband- his parents got it for him in San Francisco. I adore it, though one sleeve is ripped and needs repair.

1 Lands' End white terry-cloth robe in XL. A classic right out of the shower, or great as an added layer of warmth on cold mornings.

I do have other undergarments in storage, though nothing that fits right now. I still have yet to lose enough weight to downsize in the underwear department. When that time comes, I have some new-in-plastic underwear that I bought online with a bit too much optimism. At one point at my higher weight, I tried to find cotton underwear instead of microfiber or polyester. It was just about impossible to find what I wanted in plus sizes- hence the still-in-plastic Warner “no-muffin-top” cotton underwear waiting for their turn in the wardrobe. I also have 12 pairs of Warner “no-muffin-top” microfiber underwear in a smaller size, and two Beauty Back bras in a smaller size. I'm chomping at the bit to get back into my smaller things. It's just so hard to wait.

Shoe Declutter, Plus Pajamas and Gym Clothes

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Since pulling some items from storage and buying two new pairs of shoes, I've got some more decluttering to do. Let's start with pajamas:

1. Two pairs of cotton-poplin Old Navy sleep shorts. These are the ones with the ribbon-tie drawstrings, the ones that fall down comically when I try to wear them. They are officially too big and are going.

2. Black stretchy sweatpants with drawstring. These pajama pants have seen better days, but I think I'll just bump them over to gym clothes now that I have more options for pajama pants. I could layer them over leggings if it's cold, or just have an extra pair of bottoms in the gym rotation. It'll make laundry easier.

Moving on to gym clothes:

1. Black Jockey loose-fit leggings. These are really cheaply made and haven't lasted me very long. They pilled the very first time I washed them. But I've worn them for several months nonetheless, since I hardly care what I look like at the gym.

2. Old Navy black yoga pants. These are really worn out- the waist bags a little and the fabric between the thighs is threadbare. As I said, I have pretty low standards when it comes to gym clothes, but these have got to go.

3. Two white low-impact sports bras. These have migrated to the everyday bra category since they're comfy and no longer suitable to working out. When I'm running on the treadmill, I need to stick to the high-impact ones, and I'm still just going braless at the gym.

At this point, my pajama tops and my workout tops have merged into one category. I usually work out in whatever top I slept in the night before. It's basically a ploy to do less laundry, but it's been working for me. All tops are staying.

Now on to the main event- The Great Shoe Declutter:

I've had something of a paradigm shift since buying my new work boots and Adidas sneakers. Shoes I thought I'd never part with suddenly seem superfluous. I'm hoping to sell them all on Ebay, since most of them still have a good amount of life left in them. The shoes that are going:

1. Tan slip-on Supergas. I've never worn these much. My mom got them when she saw my grey ones and then she changed her mind about the fit. She passed them on to me, but there's something about the color I'm just not crazy about. A little clean-up and they should sell.

2. Brown Rocket Dog shoes. These have always been weird, but I went with it for a while. They're extremely wide in the toe box, but an aesthetic nightmare. I've referred to them as Hobbit shoes with good reason. Not sure about the resale value of these...

3. Black Naturalizer ankle boots. These are a flat, rubber soled, black leather ankle boot in wide width. They have a little side buckle detail that tries hard to make them cute, but if I'm honest with myself, they're just not. I got them before a trip to Germany in winter since they're super comfortable and good for long walks. But now they seem to ruin every outfit I pair them with and they make me feel like I've given up, fashion-wise. The men's work boots I bought are such a drastic improvement in my eyes that I see no reason to keep these. These might sell on Ebay, though probably not for much.

4. Sorel knee-high fabric and leather wedge boots. I got these on clearance at Marshalls a few years ago for $120 and that was a steal. No matter that they were a size 9, at least half a size too big. It was true love, and I'd never dreamed I'd be getting rid of them. But I wore them once when my husband had a meeting at Princeton University and I had a lot of time to kill. I walked all over campus and was hobbling with blisters halfway through the day. Ever since then, they've just seemed impractical. I think a lot of the problem is that they're too big and have a wedge heel, so my foot slides forward in the boot and jams my bunions into the toe box. I'm sure I can sell these on Ebay- there must be someone out there who will be as smitten with these as I was. Hopefully their bunions will fit right into the bunion-shapes I made in the leather.

5. An honorable mention to the Dr. Scholl's grey suede fold over boots that I edited out a few months back. They simply don't fit anymore- like I can barely jam my foot in. I don't know what happened; it's a mystery to me. But maybe they'll sell. I've never seen anything like them and absolutely adore the low foldover style. I'll put these up on Ebay and see what happens.

Well, this brings my shoe collection total down to 9 pairs- a bit more in the direction of minimalism, but those 5 pairs of beautiful heels are still holding me back. No plans to downsize further at this point- 9 isn't too bad, I think?

Capsule Decluttering for Weight Loss

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Since adding so many pieces to my capsule, I finally feel at liberty to scale back on the things that are just too big.

1. Fashion To Figure black pull-on pants. Now that I have my Ann Taylor black trousers, I no longer need these as an option for dressy occasions. I always imagined that if something came up, I'd wear them with my black oversized silky blouse. The trousers are definitely a step up, so the 100% polyester pull-on pants are out.

2. Lands' End trouser jeans in size 20. I put these in the dryer to shrink them up a bit, but they are still too big in the waist at this point.

3. Black skinny D. Jeans in 18W. These don't stay up.

4. Blue skinny D. Jeans in 18W. Same. I have some remorse over buying these two pairs of skinny jeans for what turned out to be a relatively short period of time. Surely I could have gotten by on my joggers for the end of the winter, but in terms of cost-per-wear, at $19.99 a pair, they weren't such a huge mistake.

5. Men's Old Navy khakis (thrifted). Such a recent purchase that I feel ridiculous getting rid of them already. But the more loose-fitting they got, the more oddly oversized they became. It was as if the waist was tight but then the pants ballooned out and created a lower body potato shape. Highly unflattering, but only a $3 mistake- plus they were thrifted, so environmentally sound.

6. Black open cardigan (99 Jane Street). This just came out of storage, but has already proven to be not worth wearing. I reached for it today, but the full coating of my long hair on the back and the ratty-looking pilling made me recoil. Sometimes acrylic sweaters are lovely and soft. This one is not. It's surprisingly itchy for not having any wool in it, and it doesn't breathe, so it makes you sweaty.

7. Burgundy Lands' End short-sleeve cardigan (thrifted). This was a tough call, especially since it's a fairly new addition. But the fit is suddenly looking way too oversized. I love oversized clothing, but there is a point where it just makes you look bigger than you are. Oversized clothes have to have the right shape to work on your body, and this one doesn't have that shape. It's also bulky but short-sleeved, so tricky weather-wise, and the color kind of says "Lands' End" to me, and not in a good way.

8. Green Cable and Gauge sweater with exposed back zipper (3X). I put this on today since it's too warm for cashmere, but when I looked in the mirror I thought I resembled a mountain. My husband agreed that it made me look bigger than I am. I deliberated over it, considering my penchant for oversized things. But again, there's a point where something looks just too big instead of cool and drapey.

9. Purpley-grey short-sleeve cardigan (Sonoma). This one is a heart-breaker. I love the color and the idea of it, but it just doesn't work in the end, despite great effort and alterations.

10. Four LOFT Swing Tees. These have not technically been in my capsule, but they’ve been hanging around waiting for a final verdict. I tried wearing a couple of them out in the world, but I still find them unflattering and too short in front. The white one which I DIY-ed with elastic in the hem hasn’t thrilled me- the front is just too short- so that one is included in this batch of decluttering.

This round of decluttering leaves me with 30 items in my capsule, down from 39, which makes getting dressed easier. I've been finding it difficult to get dressed with so many items in front of me, especially when everything is under consideration for the chopping block. I've really just been wearing my grey men's pants or my blue ones with a T-shirt and some layers. The tan anorak jacket is really coming in handy with the weather warming up and the LOFT oatmeal cotton sweater will be a great replacement for the green Cable and Gauge one as a lightweight option. Some lace bralettes have become my everyday staples, as they're comfortable enough but don't make my boobs look worse than just going braless (which many bralettes and sports bras can do). Overall, though, this round of clearing out makes me question how often it's worth buying clothes when you're gaining or losing weight. It may help your confidence to have a great wardrobe during a weight change, but I wonder if maybe I could've gotten by on an even more minimalist capsule at my higher weight. And how do you know when something is suddenly too big or too small? I mean, it's not like one day it fits and the next it doesn't, so where do we draw the lines? And what to do with the clothes we've discarded? The donation option is apparently not as good as we once thought, with so many of those clothes ending up in landfills. I think I can sell all of these items on Ebay, save but four: the black 99 Jane Street cardigan (too pilly) and the men's Old Navy khakis (too beat up), the purpley-grey cardigan (irrepairably altered), and the white LOFT swing tee (pit stains). But otherwise, plus size clothes do sell on Ebay, even if they're not a top-notch brand. I highly recommend it as a good way to find things a new home and keep them out of the garbage. I've decided Ebay will be my strategy instead of storing things away in case of future weight gain. At other times in my life, I've done just that, and not regretted it. But this most recent weight gain was mainly attributed to medication, so I feel less inclined to hang on to stuff at that size. I guess I'm also feeling like this time weight loss is more of a commitment than in the past. I think I'm finally resigning myself to the idea that I need structure in my eating for the sake of my mental health. Hopefully it'll stick this time for good, and I won't find these clothes on a "Clothes I Miss" post.

Taking Inventory of Stuff in Storage

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Well, I finally bit the bullet and sifted through every item in my storage bin, as well as the bottom drawer of my dresser. My husband questioned why I was putting myself through this when I knew that most of the clothes would still be too small. And I suppose the answer is that I feel a somewhat compulsive need to make sure I am wearing everything that fits. It's like I don't want to miss out on wearing something before it's too late and I've moved on to smaller sizes. So I went through everything, setting aside the items that might possibly fit to try on. Things I was sure were too small went right back into the bin, after writing down every piece and where I was keeping it. I carefully folded everything "Kon-Mari" style and was somewhat surprised at the volume of clothes I own (see photo). I was also surprised at how few of them are even relevant to my current size. Most of them are for a much lower weight. It seems that I fall into that cliche of investing more money in clothes when I'm thin than when I'm fat. This is a behavior many clothing retailers use to justify not making plus size clothes. It's absolutely not an accurate assessment for many women and I wish I had the confidence to be one of them. How refreshing to see women accept themselves as they are, in all their plus sized glory. There are some great blogger/YouTubers who embody this ideal: AndIGetDressed on YouTube and @itsmekellieb on Instagram is my favorite of the bunch. She never succumbs to "dressing for her body type" or any of that shaming garbage. She wears all kinds of clothes, always colorful and trendy and with no intention of hiding her body in any way. Alas, I am not so comfortable in my own skin when I'm in plus sizes, and am an utter cliche of thinking "thinner is better," at least for me. So I'm losing weight and looking forward to the day when my "skinny clothes" fit. I really find this way of thinking appalling, but it seems I can't change my mindset, no matter how many hours I spend in front of the mirror reciting how much I love myself. So I'm full-on dieting and going to the gym like all the other lemmings. I don't know what will happen in the future, but this is my current state, mental health being a major factor in my outlook. Being heavy seems to exacerbate my self-hatred and suicidal thoughts, and avoiding those symptoms is my main justification for doing what I'm doing. Ideally, I'd like to just eat intuitively and moderately and accept my weight wherever it falls, but I seem incapable of that at my current level of mental health. I stopped trusting my body's hunger signals after the intense cravings I experienced on Seroquel and it's hard to get over that.

But back to the clothes. Once I'd removed the smallest clothes, I was left with a much smaller pile- say, maybe a quarter of the total mess. Nine pieces of capsule-worthy clothing actually fit and are going to be joining my current wardrobe. Four GAP Factory T-shirts, two black and two navy, are being revived, since they seem to fit better now and I love the shape with the scoopneck and scoop hemlines. The grey men's pants I bought fairly recently that were a bit too small at first are now quite comfortable. A pair of black (size 16) Ann Taylor tailored trousers from my office-working days fit perfectly. A cotton oatmeal sweater from LOFT fits nicely, and is perfect for spring and summer when I put away my cashmere. A tan cotton anorak jacket from Old Navy is also great for the season and zips up comfortably. And then there's a black open cardigan which is on probation for being an acrylic mess of pilling and lint. The design is so great that it's a real heartbreaker that it hasn't worn well- but I've only washed it once or twice and it's barely justifiable at this point. These items are not utterly necessary to add to my capsule, but my need to not "miss out" means I'm putting them into the closet and making them available. I could definitely clear some things out at this point- there are things that are too big. But I'm going to declutter another day, so for the moment, my capsule has ballooned to 39 items.

Other things that now fit me are in the workout and pajama categories. My winter Under Armour running gear- Cold Gear leggings, base layer top, and water-resistant hoodie- all fit, as well as three other pairs of leggings and a light 3/4 sleeve sweatshirt from Old Navy. The other leggings are Danskin cotton blend in navy, Calvin Klein Performance cotton blend in black, and Under Armour Heat Gear synthetic in black with mesh cut outs. Three pairs of pajama pants are also added to the mix: two identical navy cotton Lauren Ralph Lauren joggers and one grey and white striped pair of joggers from GAP. The afore-mentioned pajama shorts are coming out too- two black and one palm-print from Isaac Mizrahi.

The remaining storage items amount to a lot. Like just the capsule items alone come in at about 50 pieces. Will this be my future wardrobe? Am I going from a minimalist capsule wardrobe to a more average collection of clothes? Will these items fit in with my evolving style? We shall see. That's still in the future. I'd best not get ahead of myself.

Here are the capsule items coming out of storage:

Here are the workout clothes:

Here are the pajamas:

Crunching Numbers and Capsule Wardrobe Updates

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Since Black Friday 2018, here are the numbers. It’s now the end of April.

Number of Clothing Items Purchased: 30

Number of Items Returned: 11

Number of Items Kept: 19

Total Spent on Shoes/Clothing After Returns: $382.16

Capsule Wardrobe Items Added: 13

Shoes Added: 2

Pajamas/Gym Wear/Accessories/Storage Added: 4

Current Capsule Wardrobe Count: 30

Current Shoe Count: 13

I feel pretty comfortable with the numbers in terms of my capsule and my shoes, but my spending is pretty shocking.  For someone who's attempting to keep a small wardrobe, that's a lot of money to spend in 5 months- $77 a month blows my mind.  Of course, a good chunk of that was on boots, and many initial items were for my increased weight, but still.  Let's look a little closer:

Number of Items for Weight Gain: 9

ASOS T-Shirt 3-Pack $24.00

2 J. Crew Supima Cotton Tees $43.80

Cable and Gauge Green Sweater $19.99

Black Skinny D. Jeans $19.99

Blue Skinny D. Jeans $19.99

Columbia Zip-Up Fleece $26.99

Total $154.76

Really not bad for a 30 pound weight change.  Granted, none of the items were ethically or sustainably made, but in terms of finding bargains, I did well.  8 items were for my newly formed capsule wardrobe, and the fleece was for my gym capsule.  In the past, I had gone through a 59 lb. weight loss and had to replace all of my clothes, including bras and underwear, gym clothes, and even pajamas.  I shopped very carefully with the capsule wardrobe idea in mind, but still ended up spending around $1,000.  So $154.76 for a 30 lb. gain is really nothing compared to that.  Now one reason for only having to buy 9 items with this most recent weight gain is that I did have some things in storage.  The last time my weight was up quite high (around 211 to be exact), I had some clothes my mom bought me that I really liked.  I couldn't bear to part with them when I lost weight, so I was able to pull them out the next time around the scale.  Some of these items that are in my current capsule include my trouser jeans from Lands' End, my linen pants by Merona, and my purple-grey shawl cardigan from Sonoma.  This is a great example of the "Weight Change Capsule Wardrobe" in action; keeping extra clothes for weight fluctuation can be a really good idea for some. Both my coats are holdovers from that time, as well as my black silky oversized blouse, some black pull-on pants, and my black and white striped top (stretchy or oversized clothes are obviously good for in-between weights as they are more forgiving of any minor fluctuations).  

Now let's look at the more recent spending.  These purchases were not for the sake of a weight change, though my weight is on the way down.  These clothes reflect my changing style, incorporating masculine elements with my otherwise minimalist look:

Burgundy Shawl Cardigan $10.99 Thrifted

Light Blue Hanes Tee $2.99 Thrifted

Green Corduroy Shirt $6.24 Thrifted

Navy Blue Men's Pants $8.99 Thrifted

Khaki Men's Old Navy Pants $2.44 Thrifted

Grey Flannel Men's Pants $2.79 Thrifted

Taupe EveryBody Pajama Pants $7.99

Adidas Black Stripe Sneakers $34.99

Carolina Logger Boots $134.99

Dickies Black Leather Belt $14.99

Total $227.40

If I separate the boots, the rest only comes to $92.41, mostly due to the fact that a lot of things were thrifted.  And in the case of the boots, though they were expensive, the quality is very good, and I plan to wear them for years to come.  On the ethical/sustainable point, the thrifted items are a good thing, but the other items are not.  These were things I could not find used and could not find a sustainable option for that fit.  Five items are officially being added to my 25-Item Capsule Wardrobe, bringing my total number of items up to 30.  The grey men's pants are too small (I was kidding myself a bit when I bought them), and are going into storage.  The taupe pajama pants are obviously for my pajama capsule, the belt is an uncounted accessory, and the shoes are being added to my shoe collection, now up to 13 pairs (keep your eye out for a shoe declutter post coming soon).  When all is said and done, I think my shopping ethics have improved, thrifting 6 out of 10 of the most recent items, versus my pre-capsule record of 9 all-new bargain-priced items.  And a 30-item capsule wardrobe feels just fine to me.  I don't feel the need to scale back when my weight is still in flux.  I'm going to wait and see what happens as I explore my options in storage and reassess my shoe collection.

Here’s what I started my capsule with:

Here’s what I bought to get it up to 25 items:

And here are the most recent additions to my capsule wardrobe:

Non-capsule items mentioned:

Minimalism and Change

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As a minimalist myself, I often assume that minimalism has benefits for everyone.  I've even used minimalism as a coping mechanism during my most acute times of bipolar depression.  I simplified my kitchen to make it easier to cook, I reduced my wardrobe to reduce my stress when getting dressed, and I streamlined my household items to make it easier to clean and get organized.  In general, the value of minimalism for people with anxiety or depression goes relatively undisputed.  But watching a lot of YouTube videos and reading blogs on the subject has made me notice something interesting.  A lot of minimalists just keep reducing their belongings to the point that I wonder what the endgame is.  For some, it might be to live out of a backpack, but I do start to wonder what the point of eliminating a handful of items is when it's a noticeable sacrifice.  I mean, why get rid of your colander when you use it fairly frequently?  This aggressive, almost competitive pursuit of owning less starts to seem more like an obsession than a positive change. 

And so I've begun to wonder if minimalism really is good for everyone, especially people going through significant change.  As I'm slowly getting better and stabilizing in terms of my own mental illness, I'm experiencing a lot of change in how I see myself and in what my activities are.  And if I were to maintain a very strict doctrine of constantly reducing my belongings, there would be no room for new things to come into my life as I change. Minimalism often demands that we become more realistic about who we are and what our lifestyle really is.  But for someone who is going through a very dark time in terms of mental health, this type of assessment can be brutal.  When I found myself reducing my wardrobe to the things that still fit me (after my weight gain on Seroquel) and that were comfortable for around the house (when I was never leaving the house), I was left with a pretty drab, unfashionable capsule of basics.  There was little color, and practicality was what mattered.  But as I'm starting to break through a bit into the outside world, I've found a renewed interest in style and in finding my own authentic style.  So I bought some new things, some colorful, less practical things.  And like a "bad" minimalist, I've expanded my wardrobe a bit.  So my question now is, how can we embrace minimalism and embrace change at the same time? 

I've heard people talk about the "one in, one out rule," where for every new item you buy, an old item has to go.  In terms of clothes (and keeping them out of landfills), I've had good luck with selling those older items on Ebay.  And for sentimental items, repurposing is a good option: I had a beautiful blouse from high school that was wholly unflattering, so I sewed a few handkerchiefs from pieces of the fabric.  As much of a minimalism enthusiast as I am however, I do feel there are considerations to make when decluttering during a difficult time.  One thing to think about is whether going through belongings from the past might prove too difficult and not worth the rewards of clearing things out.  What may be cathartic for some, for others can uncover issues they are not ready to deal with.  In this way, clutter may actually be protecting you from dredging up regrets and memories that might make you feel worse.  Right now I have a box full of photos I've been meaning to digitize for over a year.  When I think about it rationally, I want them preserved and out of the way on my hard drive.  But I've been blocked when it comes to actually getting started.  I believe the reason for this is that going through those photos is a lot like that old game show "This Is Your Life" where you are reunited with people and events from your past.  This may be a project better saved for when I'm feeling better about my current life and less prone to comparison and regret. 

Another thing to consider when decluttering is whether getting rid of belongings is actually a symptom of suicidal thinking.  It has been noted that when people are planning suicide, they might give away precious objects to friends and family.  If you have any suspicions that this is your situation, cease and desist decluttering and see a mental health professional immediately.  Another clue that this might be your situation is "decluttering" people and activities from your life.  Advice from minimalists might suggest decluttering your time and schedule, but for someone battling mental illness, this may in fact be a red flag. 

In general, if you are thinking of trying out some decluttering in order to simplify your routines and make daily tasks easier, I'd suggest going slowly and storing things away instead of getting rid of things outright.  When I reduced my wardrobe, I stored my clothes that didn't fit in a plastic bin on my top shelf.  This leaves me the option of returning to those items if my mindset or my weight shifts, things that are bound to happen as I recover from acute mental illness. 

Which brings me to my last point regarding clutter and minimalism: sometimes hanging on to objects can give us hope.  I like to call this "aspirational clutter."  For me, five pairs of high heels that I don't currently wear (and haven't worn in years) constitute some of my aspirational clutter.  I fantasize about the outfits I'll wear them with when I'm better.  I imagine wearing them casually to go to a coffee shop, or putting them on for social occasions (which I don't currently attend).  While they don't feel right just yet, I like to keep hope alive that sometime soon they will.

Studies have shown that the risk of suicide declines sharply when people call the national suicide hotline: 1-800-273-TALK

There is also a crisis text line:  Text HOME to 741741

The lines are staffed by a mix of paid professionals and unpaid volunteers trained in crisis and suicide intervention. The confidential environment, the 24-hour accessibility, a caller's ability to hang up at any time and the person-centered care have helped its success, advocates say.