Today I am Depressed, and J Crew T-Shirts
Today I am too depressed to write kicky blog entries about clothes and minimalism. Today, I did not get dressed, I did not shower, and spent the day split between the couch and the bed. These days are frequent lately, though not every single day. I’ve had some decent days where I bought a new phone, had coffee with my dad, learned about using my husband’s camera, and even written some kicky blog entries. But I have chronic mental illness, and have been on disability for two years. I’m diagnosed with Bipolar II, and have tried a myriad of medications over the past ten years to cope with depression. I am not someone for whom medication is optional: it is a necessary part of my life. I experienced what it was like to be unmedicated this past spring and summer, and it was intolerable. I was violent, suicidal, and unrelentingly, savagely depressed. I never want to go back to that nightmare, so I take the medication my current doctor prescribes without fail. I have hope that my condition will continue to improve under his care, as it has already improved dramatically over the past few months. But today is one of those days where I can’t do much. I certainly can’t leave the house, and I am extremely frustrated by my limitations. I cry a lot. My husband cooks for me and rubs my feet, knowing there is nothing more he can do to help. And I feel ashamed, deeply ashamed of myself and my inability to “snap out of it” or “get my shit together.” I watch cleaning motivation videos on Youtube. I watch makeup tutorials and fashion hauls and lookbooks. I make a frozen pizza and watch Netflix. I want to be skinny and rich and famous. I want a drink, but of course I can’t have one on my medication. The highlight of my day is when the friendly neighborhood cat comes to the door, and I open a can of cat food for him. He sleeps on the chair while I lie on the couch, and it comforts me. Then he leaves, because he’s not my cat, and I’m allergic to cats, so I can’t have one.
I think about T-shirts a lot. I finally got the J. Crew ones in the mail, and they’re really good. The J. Crew Mercantile style is too big in the bust, but the Supima cotton ones in navy are perfect. I already kept the ASOS 3-pack, which are not quite as perfect, but are good solid staples, and you can’t beat the price at $24 for three. I have three LOFT swing tees that are in fine condition, but I have recently come to hate them. The high-low hem, the swing shape emphasizing my enormous belly… They look OK with skinny jeans, but with joggers, they are awful. So I am agonizing over whether to just suck it up and keep wearing them, or whether to let them go. I feel somewhat justified in going with the new ones instead, since I decided against the new J. Crew cashmere sweater. It was a classic cropped cardigan style that’s not at all boxy like it looked on the website- but boy, is that cashmere soft. So I guess I’ve rationalized the new moderately-priced J. Crew T-shirts, both navy blue, as the white is just too sheer. And here’s part of that rationalization: I once had four “tissue tees” from J. Crew. Green, pale blue, and two white. And they lasted 15 years. Yes, you heard that right: 15 years. So I suspect I won’t be replacing these T-shirts any time this year, or the next. Aside from my epic tissue tee experience, I also have Ebay to attest to the quality of J. Crew clothing. I’ve been selling thrifted clothing on eBay for a couple years, and one thing I’ve learned is that J. Crew items have resale value. And if something has resale value, it is either designer, trending, or downright durable. J. Crew falls into this last category, largely in part to their use of natural materials. Cotton, wool, leather, linen, and, of course, cashmere. Resale value is something I now consider when I buy any new or used clothing. If I change my mind about an item after a few wears, it’s good to be able to recoup some, if not all, of the original cost. And if the item becomes a favorite of mine, I’ll get to wear it myself for a very long time. It’s win-win. If I want to carry this logic even further, you could argue that all of this longevity in a garment is good for the environment, too. Whether I pass the item on to someone else or keep it for myself, these more durable items save all of us from contributing to the fast fashion machine we hear so much about. So while a brand like J. Crew may not seem to be the most ethical, sustainable company out there, I’d argue that the longevity of their garments should bump them up a notch or two. More on this in future.