Packing Panic
I’ve been laying low lately. Matt’s still sick and I haven’t been up to going out by myself. We’re still exercising daily, but I’ve lost several days otherwise to just staying in bed, panicking. Our departure for our next Germany trip is imminent, and I’m focused, of course, on packing.
My anxiety is probably more related to the upheaval of my routine, the stress of traveling, and the memory of my despair the last time we lived in this little town called Würzburg. That was almost exactly two years ago, and I’d had to return home almost a month early because of problems with my medication- specifically, that it had stopped working. I was taking Adderall and had had great improvement overall, but at that time it had been several months on the stuff. And as one would experience with any amphetamine, I developed a tolerance to it and was getting diminishing returns. I started bingeing and couldn’t stop, and Matt had to come home from long days at work to me sobbing and feeling suicidal.
But now, as is so common for me, my anxiety is manifesting as concern about clothes. I’m often lying in bed with Matt, going over and over various packing plans. We’ve managed to hem all our pants that needed hemming- well, Matt really did it all- but I did manage to make a decision about just how long my new black dress pants should be. It had me seized up for some time: Do I hem them to the right length to wear with boots? With sneakers? Heels? We eventually settled on a length that worked for both boots and sneakers, and I’m actually surprised at how great they look with my white Adidas sneakers. I feel very Scandi-chic. So my men’s pants are all set- I’ll pack these black ones and my grey ones.
But I want to bring a pair of jeans, too, and that’s become an issue. After wearing my newly-doctored jeans with the “button extender,” I decided it was just ridiculous to walk around with my top button unbuttoned and stashed them away in my storage bin. Then I went back to the most-recently-purchased-on-Ebay jeans: the ones marked 40 but that have a 38 inch waist. I’ve decided they look like clown pants, so they’re not coming to Europe either. So much for my Ebay denim finds. This leaves me with only two more options: my black skinny jeans, which are pretty baggy and therefore not necessarily offensive to my sensibilities, and my blue skinny jeans which I had resolutely decided against wearing in the recent past. I felt rather strongly that they were somehow objectifying and ruled them out of my wardrobe. But I left them in my closet, and they’ve started to look more and more like a decent option. I hemmed and hawed over it for days, and finally decided that I was in a desperate-enough situation to wear them. So I’ll wear the black ones on the plane, and pack the blue pair as my fourth option for pants. I rationalized this by saying how it would probably rain a lot and I wouldn’t want my men’s pants’ hems to get wet, so skinny jeans would be a practical choice. This also spared me from any panicky shopping and spending $60 on jeans that might only fit for a couple of months. So pants are finally settled.
T-shirts are pretty easy- I’ll bring all 9, knowing we won’t have a washer and I’ll have to get through at least a week between laundry days. Also, they’re small and light, so no great burden to my suitcase. Underwear are the same case- bring all 12 since they’re small and light, plus we’ll be going to the gym so I’ll need some spares. For some reason I still find it necessary to travel with 18 pairs of socks: 6 for working out, 6 for boots, and 6 for sneakers (my new thinner crew socks are designated for sneakers in colder weather). Again, they’re small and light, so I can justify it. I know I’ll bring both my coats- the parka and the raincoat, wearing the parka on the plane so I can squish it into its little bag and use it as a pillow when I inevitably get too hot. I’ve already decided not to bring any heels for opening night- I’ll just wear my boots, figuring no one will notice anyway. My black silky blouse with my black pants should dress them up enough.
But now the real dilemma: layers. Since I’ll have both coats, I feel pretty covered (get it?) weather-wise. But if it gets really cold, I’ll need to think about sweaters and whatnot. I think I’ll bring my green shirt- it can go over sweaters or be worn as a light jacket on its own. But I’ve been in a fit of anxiety trying to decide on sweaters. I only own 7, and one is strictly for summer, so you think it’d be easy. But it’s hard to not just pack your whole capsule wardrobe- when you have so little, every item seems essential. But I have to narrow it down.
My super-thick grey zip-up cardigan is really bulky, but seems absolutely necessary. My grey and black cashmere pullovers are a no-brainer; they’re both lightweight and super warm. Part of me wants to just bring those two. But I keep thinking it’ll get freezing cold and I’ll be left with not enough warm clothes. I also worry about my two favorite sweaters getting worn out, since I’ll most likely need a sweater every day. So I’m thinking maybe my thicker pink cashmere pullover would be good too, even if just to wear around the apartment, or to add a little color to my wardrobe. I also own a thinner, black, non-cashmere sweater and a really light grey cardigan with pointelle holes in the sleeves. I’ve been over and over it in my mind, thinking of what could be worn on the plane and what might be necessary in unpredictable weather. We were really thrown on our last trip to Berlin by scorching temperatures and high humidity when the summers are supposed to be mild there. This time around, Matt heard from a colleague that it’s already hit zero degrees Celsius (freezing), so I need to be prepared for winter temperatures.
After a ridiculous amount of contemplation and discussion with Matt, going through every possible combination, I hit upon a novel idea: I wouldn’t bring the warmest or the lightest options. I’d bring all 3 cashmere options, the pink one being quite thick, and then wear the thinner black non-cashmere sweater on the plane. I usually get really hot when traveling, so it seems like a good lightweight layer for both airports and mild weather.
All of these clothes fit into one half of my suitcase except for shoes- my Adidas and my running shoes. I’ll wear my belt and scarf on the plane with one of my T-shirts, the black jeans, and my boots. Now I just have to figure out everything else.