Travel Workout Routine and Jewelry

 

It’s astonishing to me that despite my recent travels, I have yet to default on my workout routine. That said, not having access to a gym makes things a little different. Strength training happens inside our own apartment in what little floor space we have. We have two alternating workouts, which we do every other day, if that makes any sense. So, for instance, one week we do chest twice and back once, and the next week we do back twice and chest once, with cardio days in between. So we’ve kept the same routine here in Germany, but we’ve had to change the specific exercises. Chest day is simply push-ups (on my knees) and then squats. Back day is bicep curls with water bottles in a backpack, then squats, then “Superman holds.” That’s what I call the move where you get on your hands and knees and extend your left arm and right leg for 20 seconds, then switch sides and do the same. We still do 3 sets of everything, just like at the gym. After these mini strength workouts, we walk uphill in the park across the street. It just happens to have an upward climb that ends at a monument with lots of steps at the top. If we wander around a bit, it takes about the full required 10 minutes. Alternate days are simpler: We walk at the park for 5 minutes, run for 5 minutes, walk for 5, and run for 5 more. The uphill/downhill element changes pretty randomly, but psychologically I’ve accepted that it’s about the same as what I do at home. We’re also walking around a lot every day, so that helps me ignore any discrepancy between the home workout and the travel one.

Walking down the main drag here today, I stopped in a couple of shops with some lovely jewelry. I’m carefully considering whether to buy anything since I’m trying to maintain a pretty minimal jewelry collection. But it’s been my ritual to bring home one piece from each trip to Europe (my peacock earrings from Germany, my bird earrings from Paris) so I am considering it. I packed with me for this trip 4 items from my current collection: blue round glass studs, pink round glass studs, silver bent-wire hoops, and a brown beaded bracelet. I go through phases with jewelry, usually cycling through a few pieces for a few months at a time, and that’s what’s in the current rotation.

My complete collection consists of 27 pieces:

9 Earrings:

Blue glass studs: These were a gift from Matt’s mom, one of those randomly spot-on gifts that ends up becoming a favorite. I liked them so much that I went on Thredup and looked for some like them in another color.

Blush pink round glass studs: I found these on Thredup. I love how subtle they are.

Bent-wire silver hoops: These are from LOFT. I find them much edgier than what you’d expect from LOFT, but you never know where you’ll find things sometimes.

Gold mushroom-cap studs: These are from a beautiful gift shop in Providence called NAVA. I’m not sure they work on me- too yellow, perhaps?

White circle earrings: These are from Old Navy. I bought them when I needed some non-dangly earrings to wear to work at a coffee shop. Apparently the dangles might end up in a latte or something.

Blue dangly beaded earrings: These are from a random trip to Kohl’s with my mom. I’m sure a coupon was involved.

Aged brass painted bird earrings: These are from a Paris vintage shop. I lost one of the original coral beads, so I changed them out for jade green ones I got on Etsy. My husband made me a matching necklace out of the extra beads (see green wedding necklace).

Peacock dangly earrings: These are from our first trip to Germany in 2010. I got them at a fast fashion store called Pimkie.

Rhinestone drop earrings: These were found in the vacant apartment at my brother’s house where the tenant had left behind loads of stuff, including our current sofa and armchair.

5 Necklaces:

Grandma’s medals: These are little Catholic medals my Grandma gave me as a kid, all strung onto a long silver chain. My favorite is the tiny full-color Virgin Mary.

Blue tassel necklace: This was a gift from my mom one recent Christmas. I picked it out and she wrapped it.

Green wedding necklace: These beads were first strung onto a white ribbon, which I wore long at our wedding. Later I was afraid of the ribbon breaking over time, so we got some wire and a closure at a craft store and made a choker.

Tiny star necklace: This was a NYC garment district purchase. There are tons of these cheap jewelry places with loads of beads and things.

Rhinestone antique necklace: This was from Bee-bop-a-lula, the vintage shop of my high school days. I wore it for a number of formal singing occasions, including my senior voice recital.

3 Bracelets:

Brown beaded bracelet and Pink faceted beaded bracelet: These are both from a stack of bracelets that my mom picked out for me one Christmas in college. They created this great boho-style look with some other bracelets that have since departed due to weight gain.

White seed-bead bracelet: This is the one bracelet remaining from a stack my uncle got me for my senior recital. The others were pink and purple, not really my colors.

4 Brooches:

Turtle, Crown, Pointy star, Round star: These antique brooches were my grandmother’s, just some costume jewelry trinkets she gave me to play with when I was little. I love the tiny turtle one, but I wish it still had more of its stones.

6 Miscellaneous:

White stone ring: This was something I got at Forever 21 when I was looking for jewelry to wear with a red dress for my best friend’s wedding. I was a bridesmaid and she was kind enough to give me some red-stoned jewelry to wear, but I still hung on to this ring.

White faux-leather watch: This was from my working days at Brown University when it was just practical. I think it was from Target.

Turquoise clear-lensed glasses: These are definitely from Target, I think when Matt and I were in Miami for his work. I wear them when I need a bit of distance from the world.

Pink sequin clip: This might be called a “fascinator” or just a hair clip, but it has a little alligator clip on it, so I’ve used it to clip scarves as well.

Sunglasses: These were $3 from Job Lot, a ubiquitous discount store only in Rhode Island and Massachusetts. An absolute steal.

Necklace extender: I grabbed this in NY when I was there for a concert. It hadn’t occurred to me that my necklace wouldn’t fit since I’d gained weight, but apparently it has occurred to other people and they’ve solved the problem.

Over the past couple of years, I haven’t even bothered to wear jewelry very much. But much like my high-heel collection, I consider it “aspirational clutter” - things I don’t use now, but hope to as I get better. I have edited it down quite a bit to just my very favorite and very practical things, storing sentimental items away with mementos. It’s funny, a lot of times when I was getting dressed for a psychiatrist’s appointment, I might think to put earrings on, and then quickly change my mind. I’d think how doctors might look for clues like “patient is wearing jewelry” as evidence that you’re doing better. And I didn’t want to give anyone the impression that I was doing better than I really was. And so I wore jewelry just about never, almost as a protective measure. But maybe there’s a way to think of it as more protective to wear the jewelry than not. I’m thinking of those with punk or gothic inclinations who wear jewelry as a rejection of the mainstream, not as submission to it. Basically, I’d like to wear it on my own terms, not just in a traditionally feminine way.

Mood Update and Painting Clothes

 
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I’ve been getting a lot of foot rubs from my husband. This is a sure sign that I’ve been crying a lot in the afternoons. Well, I guess late afternoon and early evening to be specific. And night time doesn’t always get any better. I have a really hard time relaxing- even watching TV feels like work. I was so relieved when the akathisia finally went away, but now things are not so good again. I had talked to my psychiatrist about this a while back, and we discussed behavioral solutions to the mood drop. I really did think it was situational and not medication-related, so I sought out adult education courses and tried to go to the library or ride my bike to the cafe for a second round of writing. None of these options materialized, mostly because I have no motivation when I get home from the first visit to the cafe. Having written and typed a blog, or worked on photos, or done some editing, or all of the above, I just want to relax when I get home between 4 and 5pm. Exercise is usually in the morning/midday when I wake up, and then I shower, eat breakfast, and get dressed. And for me, the exercise, basic self-care, and writing at the cafe amounts to a full day for me. And so what do I do when I’m done for the day? Sometimes I’ve tried to just keep working, and that can help, but I don’t usually have the energy for that. What ends up happening most of the time is I lay down in our bedroom with the curtains drawn, thinking and dozing, and then usually end up wide awake with horribly negative thoughts. Then the crying starts, my husband tries to comfort me, I take a Klonopin, and I might end up getting an intensely painful foot massage (it helps with the emotional pain). This combination of Klonopin and foot rubs will calm me down, but fill me with guilt and remorse for being such a burden, and just such a downer in general. My husband never gets to relax since I can’t relax. And so he’s run ragged taking care of me, picking up my slack (doing chores, etc.), all while trying to get his work done, manage the house, plan business trips, look for future work, and work his “day job” tutoring at a local college. So if there’s something I can do to improve the evenings, I’m eager to find it. My great hope right now is that in Berlin I’ll be able to walk to a cafe twice a day instead of just once. There are so many coffee shops in walking distance that it just doesn’t seem like as big a deal to go out again in the late afternoon. Maybe at that time I could just listen to an audiobook or read books on my computer. But for the time being, I’m just watching YouTube in the dark to get through. There’s something so soothing about watching those incredibly detailed clothing reviews and styling tips. Now mornings- mornings are good in general. I can be silly and laugh hysterically with my husband, and I’m just more game for things.

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Today we went to the dump to get rid of a broken air conditioner. Our last tenant left it in a recycling bin while moving out, which thoroughly confused us, but it probably just indicates simple ignorance. Before I owned a home, it never occurred to me that you actually have to pay money to get rid of trash. We do have free (tax-funded) curbside pickup for household garbage here, but for construction projects we’ve hired dumpsters or paid by the pound at the dump. And so we made the 25 minute trek to the state landfill/recycling center and paid $12 to get rid of it. I went along on this little trip to try to ensure that my husband did not throw his back out right before our trip lifting said air conditioner on his own. I think it worked.

But when doing such chores, I’ve learned to wear appropriate clothing. That doesn’t mean leggings for the gym or the jacket you wear to work. Clothes can really get wrecked from cleaning, painting, and any kind of heavy lifting (stains and snags are common). And so I have a small capsule of “painting clothes” reserved especially for such occasions. They’ve already made an appearance in anticipation of painting and cleaning our rental apartment between tenants (we had a new tenant move in on June 1st).

The painting clothes capsule’s 11 items consist of:

1 pair old sneakers

1 pair rubber boots

2 pairs old socks

1 pair skinny jeans

1 pair pajama shorts

2 T-shirts

1 long-sleeved thermal top

1 zip-up hoodie

1 fleece-lined vest

This little assortment of things allows me to paint or deep clean in warm or cold weather, rake leaves, shovel snow (with a coat and hat), move furniture, tile bathrooms, and mow the lawn if need be. Now my husband does take care of most of these things the past couple of years due to my depression, but I hope to be able to chip in more and more like I used to. And I realize a lot of people out there have “people” to do such things, but we’re landlords of a 3-family house and do a lot of home improvements on our own. We gutted our own apartment, insulated our own walls, framed walls, skimcoated walls, tiled two bathrooms and our kitchen backsplash, poured our own shower floor, installed our own kitchen cabinets, installed our own molding, built our own vanity out of a dresser from Craigslist, and have painted just about every inch of the 3-story Victorian, ten-foot walls, ceilings, hallways and all. While these clothing items might not fit into a “real” minimalist’s backpack, they are utterly necessary for me.

The Total Wardrobe Update: Capsule, Shoes, Pajamas and Gym Clothes

 
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After my recent additions and even more recent decluttering, I thought an official inventory was in order. Here are updated lists of every item of clothing in my current wardrobe, barring socks, underwear, and accessories (76 items):

Capsule Wardrobe: 30 items

10 Tees:

2 J. Crew Supima cotton navy tees

1 ASOS black crewneck tee

1 ASOS grey crewneck tee

1 Gap Factory white double-layer tee

2 Gap Factory navy scoopneck tees

2 Gap Factory black scoopneck tees

1 Hanes light blue tee

4 Tops:

2 LOFT black silky strappy camis

1 Cable and Gauge black and white striped tunic

1 Alfani black silky oversized blouse

3 Sweaters:

1 Vince grey cashmere crewneck sweater

1 Magaschoni black cashmere V-neck sweater

1 LOFT oatmeal cotton sweater

5 Layers/Outerwear:

1 Gap men's navy zip-up hoodie

1 Lands' End green corduroy button-down shirt

1 Tan Old Navy anorak jacket (similar here)

1 Lands' End black parka

1 Lauren Ralph Lauren black hooded raincoat

8 Bottoms:

1 Architect men's navy cotton chino pants

1 George men's grey dress pants

2 Gap grey twill joggers

1 Ann Taylor black dress pants

1 Merona linen-blend wide leg pants

2 Old Navy black utility shorts (similar here)

Shoes: 9 pairs

1 Carolina brown leather logger boots

1 black stripe on white Adidas sneakers

1 Superga grey slip on sneakers

1 Lands' End Alpine snow boots (similar here)

1 Naturalizer black loafer-style heels

1 Naturalizer taupe loafer-style heels

1 Miz Mooz green vintage-style ankle strap heels

1 Rampage blush lace up block heel sandals

1 Aerosoles black leather cork wedges

Pajamas: 20 items

10 Tops:

4 Old Navy blue boyfriend tees

2 Old Navy white relaxed fit tanks

1 Old Navy black relaxed fit tank

1 Old Navy grey relaxed fit tank

1 Cable and Gauge black split neck hoodie

1 Lou and Grey LOFT textured grey hoodie

9 Bottoms:

2 Isaac Mizrahi black jersey sleep shorts

1 Isaac Mizrahi palm print jersey sleep shorts

1 Russell Athletic cut-off navy shorts

1 Two by Vince Camuto pink wide leg sweatpants

1 AnyBody taupe wide leg pajama pants

1 Gap grey and white striped joggers

2 Lauren Ralph Lauren navy cotton jersey joggers

1 Slippers:

Lands’ End grey fleece slippers

Gym Clothes: 17 items

10 Bottoms and Layers:

1 Andrea Jovine stretchy black sweatpants

1 Danskin navy cotton leggings

1 Calvin Klein Performance cropped cotton leggings

1 Under Armour Heat Gear black mesh leggings

1 RBX synthetic fleece-lined joggers

1 Under Armour Cold Gear fleece-lined leggings

1 New Balance 860v8 sneakers

10 Tops and Layers:

4 Old Navy grey relaxed fit tees

2 Old Navy black pullover sports bras

1 Under Armour Cold Gear fleece-lined base layer top

1 Under Armour water-resistant pullover hoodie

1 Old Navy grey 3/4 sleeve sweatshirt

1 Columbia grey zip-up fleece

What's interesting to me about all this is how little of my wardrobe is actually everyday clothing that I wear when I'm "dressed." I actually have more gym clothes/pajamas (37 items) than I do regular clothes (30). But the thing is, I actually need all those gym clothes and pajamas. I exercise 6 days a week now, so I need enough things to get me through between laundry days. I also do some cold weather running so I have a whole set of cold weather gear including socks and accessories. I honestly don't know where I would cut back if I wanted to. I see a lot of minimalists out there with one set of pajamas and one pair of leggings for working out, and I've got to say, I think that's gross. Either you smell really bad a lot of the time or you do laundry practically every day, which is not exactly an ideal lifestyle. I saw a chart on Pinterest of a woman's wardrobe list including everything (socks and underwear too) and it amounted to 100 items. I think that sounds as minimal as you can go if you exercise regularly and like clean pajamas. I see a few things here and there that I don't absolutely need, but I think I'm comfortable with my own level of minimalism for now. Anything more extreme would be impractical and I think that pretty much defeats the purpose of minimalism. My own goals with minimalism are to simplify my life and clear out the excess so I can see clearly what I'm working with. So as Marie Kondo says in her Spark Joy, if something sparks joy for you (or you use it regularly), keep it with confidence.

Crying at the Psychiatrist, and Bras and Underwear

I had my psychiatrist's appointment yesterday and it went unexpectedly downhill. I should have been glad to hear that I lost 5.4 pounds, down from 198 to 192.6. I still cried and felt it wasn't enough. My doctor asked me why I felt like the weight loss wasn't working, and I said that I guess it's because it's so goddamn slow. I told him how I never miss a workout, I never eat above 1800 calories a day, how hard it is, and how seemingly slow the results are. He said that from his perspective, 30 pounds in 7 months was better than most people do. And the fact that I'm doing the exercise and diet (despite how hard they are) sounds positive to him. Then I cried about the afternoons I spend lying in the dark, ruminating on how I've screwed up my life. I cried about how hard it is to take a shower, to brush my teeth. He questioned whether the afternoon mood seems like a time-of-day problem or a circumstantial issue when I'm left alone without a car and without the motivation to do anything. Since Matt and I have tried going to cafes in the afternoon and had a fine time, I told him I don't think it's a time-of-day problem. It's because aside from Matt, my life is garbage. I have nothing to show for 20 years of my life in the arts, and now I'm having to start over at 40 (almost 41) years old. He looked blankly back at me. He seemed genuinely confused as to why I was so upset. We'd just told him how we are going to Berlin for the month of June, partly for Matt's work, and partly just to get out of Dodge. He must have thought I should be happy and looking forward to the trip. He must have thought how I should appreciate the fact that I'm on disability and can leave the country at the drop of a hat. But I don't feel lucky. Everything feels like too little, and that I'm too late to do anything of significance with my life. 41 years old and starting a blog? It's 2019 and everyone else has been doing this for more than a decade. And how will I get anyone to read it anyway? I've shunned social media for so long that I don't know how to even approach getting back into it. My Facebook account hasn't been touched in about 10 years, mostly out of shame. It still has photos from 10 years ago, when I lived in New York and was at my thinnest. I was actively doing plays and auditioning and had friends. So I left my profile frozen in that time. I've had the thought that maybe it's time for me to "come out" on Facebook as fat, and as mentally ill. My husband has told me about friends of ours coming out as gay on Facebook, even an acquaintance who transitioned genders. They are not ashamed of these changes, and yet I'm ashamed of my weight gain and my mental illness. I guess it's a different (though obviously no more difficult) type of stigma around my issues. No one congratulates you or posts "Good for you!" when you announce a hundred pound weight gain. And while there may be an occasional shout-out to a suicide hotline when a celebrity dies from suicide, there's just not the same passion involved when it comes to chronic, treatment-resistant depression. But still, I just might take a stand on my own behalf and challenge my "friends" to accept me as I am.

Now while we're getting personal, here is the current state of my bras and underwear (20 items in all):

8 Bras:

2 Low-impact white (sort of graying) sports bras. I got these in the garment district in NYC. I have no idea of the brand or origin of these, though I've had them for at least 12 years now.

4 Lace-back bralettes by Marilyn Monroe Intimates, one black, one navy, one pale pink, and one rosy pink. I found a 2-pack at Marshalls and stalked down two more packs in my size at a different Marshalls. I did a bit of an illegal switcheroo and re-tagged the garish fluorescent pink ones and returned them. These are super comfortable and look fine even when you can see them under a top. The lace even covers an itchy tag on one of my sweaters.

2 Foam-cup, proper bras, one nude, one black. The brand is Vanity Fair, specifically the “Beauty Back” bra. I rarely wear these lately, but they're good for times when I want to look put together. Because they're a larger size, the band is nice and wide and has 3 hooks instead of the standard 2 you get in smaller sizes.

9 Underwear:

9 pairs of Ellen Tracy microfiber briefs in mauve/beige/black, all bought at Marshalls or TJ Maxx.

3 Other items:

1 Maidenform shapewear bodysuit. This can feel like body armor when you need it- sometimes I just feel too vulnerable having other people see my wobbly fat rolls through my clothes.

1 Cotton Kimono Robe. This was stolen from my husband- his parents got it for him in San Francisco. I adore it, though one sleeve is ripped and needs repair.

1 Lands' End white terry-cloth robe in XL. A classic right out of the shower, or great as an added layer of warmth on cold mornings.

I do have other undergarments in storage, though nothing that fits right now. I still have yet to lose enough weight to downsize in the underwear department. When that time comes, I have some new-in-plastic underwear that I bought online with a bit too much optimism. At one point at my higher weight, I tried to find cotton underwear instead of microfiber or polyester. It was just about impossible to find what I wanted in plus sizes- hence the still-in-plastic Warner “no-muffin-top” cotton underwear waiting for their turn in the wardrobe. I also have 12 pairs of Warner “no-muffin-top” microfiber underwear in a smaller size, and two Beauty Back bras in a smaller size. I'm chomping at the bit to get back into my smaller things. It's just so hard to wait.

Shoe Declutter, Plus Pajamas and Gym Clothes

 

Since pulling some items from storage and buying two new pairs of shoes, I've got some more decluttering to do. Let's start with pajamas:

1. Two pairs of cotton-poplin Old Navy sleep shorts. These are the ones with the ribbon-tie drawstrings, the ones that fall down comically when I try to wear them. They are officially too big and are going.

2. Black stretchy sweatpants with drawstring. These pajama pants have seen better days, but I think I'll just bump them over to gym clothes now that I have more options for pajama pants. I could layer them over leggings if it's cold, or just have an extra pair of bottoms in the gym rotation. It'll make laundry easier.

Moving on to gym clothes:

1. Black Jockey loose-fit leggings. These are really cheaply made and haven't lasted me very long. They pilled the very first time I washed them. But I've worn them for several months nonetheless, since I hardly care what I look like at the gym.

2. Old Navy black yoga pants. These are really worn out- the waist bags a little and the fabric between the thighs is threadbare. As I said, I have pretty low standards when it comes to gym clothes, but these have got to go.

3. Two white low-impact sports bras. These have migrated to the everyday bra category since they're comfy and no longer suitable to working out. When I'm running on the treadmill, I need to stick to the high-impact ones, and I'm still just going braless at the gym.

At this point, my pajama tops and my workout tops have merged into one category. I usually work out in whatever top I slept in the night before. It's basically a ploy to do less laundry, but it's been working for me. All tops are staying.

Now on to the main event- The Great Shoe Declutter:

I've had something of a paradigm shift since buying my new work boots and Adidas sneakers. Shoes I thought I'd never part with suddenly seem superfluous. I'm hoping to sell them all on Ebay, since most of them still have a good amount of life left in them. The shoes that are going:

1. Tan slip-on Supergas. I've never worn these much. My mom got them when she saw my grey ones and then she changed her mind about the fit. She passed them on to me, but there's something about the color I'm just not crazy about. A little clean-up and they should sell.

2. Brown Rocket Dog shoes. These have always been weird, but I went with it for a while. They're extremely wide in the toe box, but an aesthetic nightmare. I've referred to them as Hobbit shoes with good reason. Not sure about the resale value of these...

3. Black Naturalizer ankle boots. These are a flat, rubber soled, black leather ankle boot in wide width. They have a little side buckle detail that tries hard to make them cute, but if I'm honest with myself, they're just not. I got them before a trip to Germany in winter since they're super comfortable and good for long walks. But now they seem to ruin every outfit I pair them with and they make me feel like I've given up, fashion-wise. The men's work boots I bought are such a drastic improvement in my eyes that I see no reason to keep these. These might sell on Ebay, though probably not for much.

4. Sorel knee-high fabric and leather wedge boots. I got these on clearance at Marshalls a few years ago for $120 and that was a steal. No matter that they were a size 9, at least half a size too big. It was true love, and I'd never dreamed I'd be getting rid of them. But I wore them once when my husband had a meeting at Princeton University and I had a lot of time to kill. I walked all over campus and was hobbling with blisters halfway through the day. Ever since then, they've just seemed impractical. I think a lot of the problem is that they're too big and have a wedge heel, so my foot slides forward in the boot and jams my bunions into the toe box. I'm sure I can sell these on Ebay- there must be someone out there who will be as smitten with these as I was. Hopefully their bunions will fit right into the bunion-shapes I made in the leather.

5. An honorable mention to the Dr. Scholl's grey suede fold over boots that I edited out a few months back. They simply don't fit anymore- like I can barely jam my foot in. I don't know what happened; it's a mystery to me. But maybe they'll sell. I've never seen anything like them and absolutely adore the low foldover style. I'll put these up on Ebay and see what happens.

Well, this brings my shoe collection total down to 9 pairs- a bit more in the direction of minimalism, but those 5 pairs of beautiful heels are still holding me back. No plans to downsize further at this point- 9 isn't too bad, I think?

Capsule Decluttering for Weight Loss

 
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Since adding so many pieces to my capsule, I finally feel at liberty to scale back on the things that are just too big.

1. Fashion To Figure black pull-on pants. Now that I have my Ann Taylor black trousers, I no longer need these as an option for dressy occasions. I always imagined that if something came up, I'd wear them with my black oversized silky blouse. The trousers are definitely a step up, so the 100% polyester pull-on pants are out.

2. Lands' End trouser jeans in size 20. I put these in the dryer to shrink them up a bit, but they are still too big in the waist at this point.

3. Black skinny D. Jeans in 18W. These don't stay up.

4. Blue skinny D. Jeans in 18W. Same. I have some remorse over buying these two pairs of skinny jeans for what turned out to be a relatively short period of time. Surely I could have gotten by on my joggers for the end of the winter, but in terms of cost-per-wear, at $19.99 a pair, they weren't such a huge mistake.

5. Men's Old Navy khakis (thrifted). Such a recent purchase that I feel ridiculous getting rid of them already. But the more loose-fitting they got, the more oddly oversized they became. It was as if the waist was tight but then the pants ballooned out and created a lower body potato shape. Highly unflattering, but only a $3 mistake- plus they were thrifted, so environmentally sound.

6. Black open cardigan (99 Jane Street). This just came out of storage, but has already proven to be not worth wearing. I reached for it today, but the full coating of my long hair on the back and the ratty-looking pilling made me recoil. Sometimes acrylic sweaters are lovely and soft. This one is not. It's surprisingly itchy for not having any wool in it, and it doesn't breathe, so it makes you sweaty.

7. Burgundy Lands' End short-sleeve cardigan (thrifted). This was a tough call, especially since it's a fairly new addition. But the fit is suddenly looking way too oversized. I love oversized clothing, but there is a point where it just makes you look bigger than you are. Oversized clothes have to have the right shape to work on your body, and this one doesn't have that shape. It's also bulky but short-sleeved, so tricky weather-wise, and the color kind of says "Lands' End" to me, and not in a good way.

8. Green Cable and Gauge sweater with exposed back zipper (3X). I put this on today since it's too warm for cashmere, but when I looked in the mirror I thought I resembled a mountain. My husband agreed that it made me look bigger than I am. I deliberated over it, considering my penchant for oversized things. But again, there's a point where something looks just too big instead of cool and drapey.

9. Purpley-grey short-sleeve cardigan (Sonoma). This one is a heart-breaker. I love the color and the idea of it, but it just doesn't work in the end, despite great effort and alterations.

10. Four LOFT Swing Tees. These have not technically been in my capsule, but they’ve been hanging around waiting for a final verdict. I tried wearing a couple of them out in the world, but I still find them unflattering and too short in front. The white one which I DIY-ed with elastic in the hem hasn’t thrilled me- the front is just too short- so that one is included in this batch of decluttering.

This round of decluttering leaves me with 30 items in my capsule, down from 39, which makes getting dressed easier. I've been finding it difficult to get dressed with so many items in front of me, especially when everything is under consideration for the chopping block. I've really just been wearing my grey men's pants or my blue ones with a T-shirt and some layers. The tan anorak jacket is really coming in handy with the weather warming up and the LOFT oatmeal cotton sweater will be a great replacement for the green Cable and Gauge one as a lightweight option. Some lace bralettes have become my everyday staples, as they're comfortable enough but don't make my boobs look worse than just going braless (which many bralettes and sports bras can do). Overall, though, this round of clearing out makes me question how often it's worth buying clothes when you're gaining or losing weight. It may help your confidence to have a great wardrobe during a weight change, but I wonder if maybe I could've gotten by on an even more minimalist capsule at my higher weight. And how do you know when something is suddenly too big or too small? I mean, it's not like one day it fits and the next it doesn't, so where do we draw the lines? And what to do with the clothes we've discarded? The donation option is apparently not as good as we once thought, with so many of those clothes ending up in landfills. I think I can sell all of these items on Ebay, save but four: the black 99 Jane Street cardigan (too pilly) and the men's Old Navy khakis (too beat up), the purpley-grey cardigan (irrepairably altered), and the white LOFT swing tee (pit stains). But otherwise, plus size clothes do sell on Ebay, even if they're not a top-notch brand. I highly recommend it as a good way to find things a new home and keep them out of the garbage. I've decided Ebay will be my strategy instead of storing things away in case of future weight gain. At other times in my life, I've done just that, and not regretted it. But this most recent weight gain was mainly attributed to medication, so I feel less inclined to hang on to stuff at that size. I guess I'm also feeling like this time weight loss is more of a commitment than in the past. I think I'm finally resigning myself to the idea that I need structure in my eating for the sake of my mental health. Hopefully it'll stick this time for good, and I won't find these clothes on a "Clothes I Miss" post.

Crunching Numbers and Capsule Wardrobe Updates

 
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Since Black Friday 2018, here are the numbers. It’s now the end of April.

Number of Clothing Items Purchased: 30

Number of Items Returned: 11

Number of Items Kept: 19

Total Spent on Shoes/Clothing After Returns: $382.16

Capsule Wardrobe Items Added: 13

Shoes Added: 2

Pajamas/Gym Wear/Accessories/Storage Added: 4

Current Capsule Wardrobe Count: 30

Current Shoe Count: 13

I feel pretty comfortable with the numbers in terms of my capsule and my shoes, but my spending is pretty shocking.  For someone who's attempting to keep a small wardrobe, that's a lot of money to spend in 5 months- $77 a month blows my mind.  Of course, a good chunk of that was on boots, and many initial items were for my increased weight, but still.  Let's look a little closer:

Number of Items for Weight Gain: 9

ASOS T-Shirt 3-Pack $24.00

2 J. Crew Supima Cotton Tees $43.80

Cable and Gauge Green Sweater $19.99

Black Skinny D. Jeans $19.99

Blue Skinny D. Jeans $19.99

Columbia Zip-Up Fleece $26.99

Total $154.76

Really not bad for a 30 pound weight change.  Granted, none of the items were ethically or sustainably made, but in terms of finding bargains, I did well.  8 items were for my newly formed capsule wardrobe, and the fleece was for my gym capsule.  In the past, I had gone through a 59 lb. weight loss and had to replace all of my clothes, including bras and underwear, gym clothes, and even pajamas.  I shopped very carefully with the capsule wardrobe idea in mind, but still ended up spending around $1,000.  So $154.76 for a 30 lb. gain is really nothing compared to that.  Now one reason for only having to buy 9 items with this most recent weight gain is that I did have some things in storage.  The last time my weight was up quite high (around 211 to be exact), I had some clothes my mom bought me that I really liked.  I couldn't bear to part with them when I lost weight, so I was able to pull them out the next time around the scale.  Some of these items that are in my current capsule include my trouser jeans from Lands' End, my linen pants by Merona, and my purple-grey shawl cardigan from Sonoma.  This is a great example of the "Weight Change Capsule Wardrobe" in action; keeping extra clothes for weight fluctuation can be a really good idea for some. Both my coats are holdovers from that time, as well as my black silky oversized blouse, some black pull-on pants, and my black and white striped top (stretchy or oversized clothes are obviously good for in-between weights as they are more forgiving of any minor fluctuations).  

Now let's look at the more recent spending.  These purchases were not for the sake of a weight change, though my weight is on the way down.  These clothes reflect my changing style, incorporating masculine elements with my otherwise minimalist look:

Burgundy Shawl Cardigan $10.99 Thrifted

Light Blue Hanes Tee $2.99 Thrifted

Green Corduroy Shirt $6.24 Thrifted

Navy Blue Men's Pants $8.99 Thrifted

Khaki Men's Old Navy Pants $2.44 Thrifted

Grey Flannel Men's Pants $2.79 Thrifted

Taupe EveryBody Pajama Pants $7.99

Adidas Black Stripe Sneakers $34.99

Carolina Logger Boots $134.99

Dickies Black Leather Belt $14.99

Total $227.40

If I separate the boots, the rest only comes to $92.41, mostly due to the fact that a lot of things were thrifted.  And in the case of the boots, though they were expensive, the quality is very good, and I plan to wear them for years to come.  On the ethical/sustainable point, the thrifted items are a good thing, but the other items are not.  These were things I could not find used and could not find a sustainable option for that fit.  Five items are officially being added to my 25-Item Capsule Wardrobe, bringing my total number of items up to 30.  The grey men's pants are too small (I was kidding myself a bit when I bought them), and are going into storage.  The taupe pajama pants are obviously for my pajama capsule, the belt is an uncounted accessory, and the shoes are being added to my shoe collection, now up to 13 pairs (keep your eye out for a shoe declutter post coming soon).  When all is said and done, I think my shopping ethics have improved, thrifting 6 out of 10 of the most recent items, versus my pre-capsule record of 9 all-new bargain-priced items.  And a 30-item capsule wardrobe feels just fine to me.  I don't feel the need to scale back when my weight is still in flux.  I'm going to wait and see what happens as I explore my options in storage and reassess my shoe collection.

Here’s what I started my capsule with:

Here’s what I bought to get it up to 25 items:

And here are the most recent additions to my capsule wardrobe:

Non-capsule items mentioned:

A Capsule Wardrobe Is Just What You Already Wear

 
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Since the recent launch of Marie Kondo’s “Tidying Up” Show on Netflix, there has been a plethora of new closet-clearing videos on Youtube.  These have always been some of my favorite videos to watch (I don’t know why watching someone get rid of things is so immensely satisfying, but apparently I’m not the only one who enjoys it).  Now some videos are more satisfying than others, depending on how much stuff the person gets rid of, and how aesthetically pleasing the results are.  One thing that has occurred to me during my hours of viewing is something glaring about small (or capsule) wardrobes: Often, they just consist of the items we already own and actually wear.  When you remove everything you don’t wear, boom: capsule wardrobe.  And so it makes me wonder what the big fear of living with a capsule wardrobe is all about.  If you’re already limited to wearing a small number of clothes, why is it so scary to get rid of the excess?  I think a lot of it has to do with the idea of the “fantasy self” and the difficulty of letting go of that alter-ego.  If you’re not familiar, a “fantasy self” is a version of ourselves that exists only in our fantasy- and frequently, in our closets as well.  If you find it hard to get rid of unworn vintage gowns, strappy holiday dresses, that Hawaiian mumu, or those impossible-to-walk-in heels, it may be that you’re actually struggling with getting rid of that idea of a self that wears these things.  Another whole category of “fantasy self” clothes would be those that you plan on wearing when you lose weight.  Now I am definitely guilty of this one, so no judgement here, but I think this is an important concept to address.  Keeping a closet full of fantasy clothes and subsisting on a limited range of cheap basics keeps us in denial of what we actually wear.  And if we don’t face what it is we actually wear, we can’t improve on it, or even enjoy it.  If you’re just rotating between two pairs of black pants and a smattering of flimsy polyester blouses for work, it can be easy to ignore this fact when every time you open your closet you see swaths of color and sequins.  And so I’m all for letting go of those fantasy pieces to make way for beautiful, realistic, everyday clothes that fit your real life and make you feel good.  So maybe the ultimate answer for you is not to have as few items as possible, or to wear only neutrals, or to dismiss all those qualities of the fantasy clothes that you love.  Perhaps a better answer is to translate those pieces into aspects of clothes you’ll actually wear.  If you’re enchanted by a diaphanous pink chiffon gown with a ribbon sash, maybe you could keep your eye out for a silky pink top or pair of pants that you wear with a grosgrain ribbon in your hair.  If you love the cut and style of a brightly printed vintage dress, maybe there’s a similar version in black or navy that would be more office-appropriate.  Or maybe you could hold on to those hard-to-walk-in shoes, but rather than saving them for a day-long wedding, take them out to dinner where the walking is strictly from cab to table and back again.  Because I think there is value in fantasy- it comes from some part of ourselves that is longing to be expressed.  But sometimes the extreme of the fantasy needs to be reined in, channeled into something smaller that still maintains its essence.  I’ve been re-reading the book The Curated Closet by Anuschka Rees- an elaborate discourse on creating your “dream wardrobe.”  It has inspired me to expand my horizons a bit with my wardrobe.  While I truly love a minimalist aesthetic in fashion as well as a minimalist lifestyle, perhaps my basics are a little too basic.  In photographing my current wardrobe, I definitely came face to face with a depressingly dark and somber color palette, something I would surely like to remedy.  My recent dieting efforts have led to my pants getting a little loose, though, so I’m going to hold out a while longer before investing in clothes in my current size.  But thinking on the future of my wardrobe, I find myself reminiscing about things I’ve outgrown and given away- colors, patterns, textures.  I’m longing for some changes that will bring me closer to my ideal wardrobe, not just a minimalist one.

Closet Contents and The Weight-Change Capsule Wardrobe

 
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It’s been a rough week.  I fired my therapist (don’t ask), haven’t been leaving the house much, and haven’t had the wherewithal to do any reading or writing.  I have managed to exercise, shower, make my own dinner, do dishes, do a load of laundry, and watch about 60 hours of Youtube.  While it’s better than what I’ve been capable of at certain points in my life, it still feels pathetic, and hopelessness has crept back in. 

My latest coping mechanism is fixating on the state of my closet. For someone with a capsule wardrobe, I have a ton of stuff in there.  My closet acts as our linen closet, so there are extra pillows, bed sheets, and various quilts and blankets.  Then there’s my sewing machine, a box of sewing supplies, and some leftover muslin.  Then an acid-free box with my wedding outfit folded inside.  My shoes are on a rack set up on a shelf, and my bags are lined up on that same shelf as well.  I have a bin of packing cubes and reusable tote bags for travel.  On the floor is a tiny stool for meditation and a large cushion for curling up on on really bad days.  I have a chest of drawers that holds my pajamas, workout gear, socks, and underwear

And then there’s my dirty little secret: the clothes I keep in storage.  This is not seasonal storage, or cocktail dresses, or ski pants.  It is solely clothes that do not fit me right now – or more specifically, clothes that are too small.  I am near my highest weight ever right now, and I had to buy several items just to fill out the 25 item capsule I currently wear.  But only a year and a half ago, I weighed 152 pounds (I’m well over 200 now), and I spent a lot of time, money, and energy finding clothes that fit me at that weight.  My medications have played a big part in this weight fluctuation: Adderall helped me lose weight and Seroquel made me gain weight.  But now that I’m off of both these meds, I am hoping to get back to a lower weight; hence the saving and storing of all these too-small clothes. 

My weight has always fluctuated dramatically over the years, my lowest weight being around 125 and my new high being 224.  I’ve had clothes at every size in between and whenever my weight would change, I’d get rid of what didn’t fit.  It’s a common suggestion to get rid of anything that doesn’t fit, among minimalists and size-acceptance advocates alike.  But the irony often was that I’d ditch the skinny clothes and immediately lose weight.  Then I’d buy new skinny clothes, ditch whatever was too big, and immediately gain weight.  This cycle continued over and over again.  On a financial level as well as an environmental one, this is not a sustainable lifestyle. 

So this last time that I lost weight (a year and a half ago), I kept my fat clothes.  Only the ones I loved, but I kept a good amount and packed them away in a clear plastic bin on the top shelf of my closet.  And when I gained weight once again, it saved me time and money having these clothes on hand.  It’s hard to find things that fit at any size, so I was glad to not have to go shopping as my weight increased.  And then I saved the smaller clothes in turn, thinking I’d pull them out when my weight went down again. 

This seemed like a good system to me, and a good way to tell myself that I’m acceptable at any size, and deserve to wear clothes I love.  This approach is something I call “The Weight-Change Capsule Wardrobe.”  The strategy is to keep a small capsule of clothes for each size as opposed to each season.  25 items is plenty for me, since my lifestyle is largely uneventful.  And there is usually some crossover of items between sizes, so I don’t necessarily need 25 pieces in every size within a 100-pound range.  But it’s still a lot to store — daywear, pajamas, workout clothes, even jewelry — and it bothers me to have such a vast wardrobe of clothes that don’t fit.  I truly want to be a minimalist like the people I see on Youtube, with tiny wardrobes, vegan diets, and tiny bodies.  But I don’t know how realistic it is for me to assume my weight will never fluctuate again.  And the environmental waste produced by my ever-changing wardrobe is something I desperately want to avoid.

Lately, though, there’s a little voice inside my head saying, “This time will be different…” or “I won’t regain the weight, so I don’t have to keep the bigger clothes.” I imagine selling my larger clothes on Ebay as I continue down the scale.  And perhaps this really is the last time I have to go through this.  My meds are more stable, and I feel more committed to a reasonable diet and exercise regime for the long haul.  I lost 6 pounds last month according to my doctor, putting me 18 pounds below my highest weight of 224.  I’ve continued to increase the intensity of my exercise, limit my calories, and do intermittent fasting (which at the very least keeps me from snacking at night).  I still feel ”not myself” when I look in the mirror, but lately I’m a bit more hopeful that I’ll get there eventually.  And I’m eager to wear those too-small clothes up there, not because losing weight is the answer to all my problems, but because I love those clothes.  I carefully considered every purchase, searching tirelessly for just the right things, and spending more money than usual on quality pieces.  So for now, my closet is full, but I am where I am.

Still In My Pajamas, and Exercise Update

 

While mental conditions for me are gradually improving (I’ve just recently embarked upon some therapy with a Clinical Psychologist/PhD), much of my time is still spent in my pajamas.  I thought I’d give a thorough inventory of my pajama capsule as it stands. 

There are 8 tops in total: 4 identical “boyfriend tees” from Old Navy in faded blue, and 4 “relaxed fit” tanks, also from Old Navy — 2 white, 1 black, and 1 grey.  All of these were chosen for their loose, comfortable fit, but also for the specific 100% slub cotton of which they are made.  I’ve found that the slub cotton from Old Navy — it has a slight texture to the weave — wears especially well through wash after wash.  Now, not all slub cotton is created equal. My Gap Factory T-shirts are clearly not of the same caliber. But these 8 Old Navy tops are holding up beautifully despite the frequent wear and washing.  Maybe other people don’t need 8 pajama tops, but when you’ve been debilitatingly depressed for a stretch of time, your priorities tend to shift, wardrobe-wise.

For bottoms, I have two pairs of sweatpants and three pairs of shorts.  One pair of pants is from Two by Vince Camuto; they are wide-leg and a lovely soft pink color.  I’ve yet to find an answer to the question of whether or not these are maternity pants — please contact me if you know — but I love them either way.  The other pants are drawstring, stretch-terry sweats from Andrea Jovine Woman.  I’ve had them for ages and they’re a little ragged, but certainly doing the job.  For shorts, I have 2 pairs of Old Navy cotton poplin sleep shorts with a ribbon drawstring waist.  Both are crisp white with a print: one pink paisley and one blue geometric.  The third pair of shorts is a real oldie but goodie — a men’s pair of XXL jersey pants that have been cut off into shorts.  I’ve had them for quite some time — Russell Athletic is made to last — and I don’t see much wear at all aside from a bit of fading.  Sometimes I layer a pair of pants over my shorts to hang around the house and then just wear the shorts to sleep in.

Three more items complete the capsule — 16 pieces in all? — a hoodie in black lightweight terry from Cable and Gauge, and a grey textured pullover hoodie from Lou and Grey by LOFT.  Both are great for layering as loungewear, especially when you need to answer the door sans bra.  And a pair of fleece slippers from Lands’ End.

Speaking of braless activities, my exercise routine has continued to improve and, more importantly, exist.  I’m still wearing my pajama tops to the gym with a zip-up fleece over the top, and that little bit of time saved from putting a bra on has proved crucial to my continued progress.

Tagging along with my husband on his gym visits is working well, and I’ve actually increased my weights so it takes more effort to power through.  Weight lifting in general has always seemed like a lazy activity compared to running — I mean, you’re sitting down much of the time.  But upping the weight does get my heart pounding between sets.  When at the gym, we do 3 or 4 machines, 3 sets each, alternating lats-biceps-back-legs or chest-triceps-legs depending on the day.  More machines than that would probably be too many for my level of mojo, so we leave it at that and walk on the treadmill for a few minutes.  We started out slow, at 2.5 with no incline for 7 minutes, and I’ve worked my way up to 3.0 at an incline of 4 for 10 minutes.  On days we don’t go to the gym, I just walk on our treadmill at home, also at 3.0 with an incline of 4 for 20 minutes and call it a day.

The plan is to continue increasing the intensity of my workouts so slowly that I hardly notice a thing.  For instance, next will be an incline of 5 or 6, and then maybe an increase of speed to 3.2, making a change each week until I’m walking uphill at a good clip.  This is where it’ll get exciting for me: after walking at a steep incline for so long, I’ll start building in a little running on a flat plane.  I’ve been agonizing over the idea of running, since it’s always been my go-to for weight loss, but it has felt impossible with my current mood and flagging fitness level.  Hopefully, it’ll just work in seamlessly with this strategy (my husband says that after the incline, running flat is a breeze for him), and I’ll be back up to speed in no time.  The major hurdle will be wrestling into a sports bra in order to do it.

My Habit Tracker and My Scarves

 

I started a bullet journal last year after hearing all about them on Youtube.  Doubling as both a calendar and an ongoing to-do list, I discovered some other features that have proved quite useful.  A bullet journal is great for all kinds of lists, like “All the Books I Want To Read This Year,” or “All the Clothes I Need for My Capsule Wardrobe.”   But my favorite function of the bullet journal has to be the Habit Tracker.  It’s not complicated; it’s basically just a chart with a row for each habit you want to do and a column for each day of the month.  Habit completed; check box.  For some people this may sound unnecessary or a little too Type-A, but I’ve adopted it as a way to track all the little things I do every day.  If you’re battling depression like I am, it’s a great way to give yourself credit for everything you’re able to achieve, and to not take anything for granted. 

Some items on my list:

  • Take pills

  • Shower

  • Wash dishes

  • Exercise

  • Brush teeth

  • Listen to audio book

There are days with lots of check marks and extra activities written in as well.  But there are also days when all I’ve checked off is “Take pills.”  For me, the idea is to recognize that each one of these tasks is an accomplishment, not an expectation.  Because sometimes as I start to get better and my depression begins to lift, I simultaneously increase my expectations for myself and forget how far I’ve come.  It also feels good to have a record of how I spend my days, especially for those times when I yell at myself for not accomplishing enough. 

A big part of coping with my depression involves grieving for the loss of time.  I look back at years of my life and am filled with regret for all the things I didn’t get to do.  I want that time back.  I want to hurry up and “make up for lost time.”  I panic at the thought of how far off track I am, wondering if I’ll ever be able to get back on.  This is where patience is key: the Habit Tracker helps me break everything down into small, achievable steps.  It reminds me to be patient, slow down, and keep building.  It tells me to celebrate small victories and be gentle with myself in defeat.  Today, I exercised.  Today, I went to the doctor.  Today, I got dressed.

Today I wore my favorite winter scarf- it’s a chunky, oversized, cable-knit scarf in grey cashmere.  It’s extremely long and wraps around twice so that I’m bundled up to my eyeballs on cold days.  After pinning numerous images of chunky scarves on Pinterest, I went onto Thredup to look for something to fit the bill.  This one was less than $20 and pre-loved, but it is 100% cashmere and says “Cruciani” on the label.  (No idea who Cruciani is, but it sounds Italian, and therefore, luxurious.)  It’s perfect to slouch around my shoulders when in drafty coffee shops or wrap around twice in cold weather.  I do have another winter scarf for less extreme weather; it’s a blush Calvin Klein logo scarf that I like to wrap once around my neck and then tuck an end under in front to cover that gap beneath my neck.  I wear it under my coat and then leave it on indoors, too, for a subtle bit of color with whatever I’m wearing.

For more formal occasions, I have two beautiful scarves that were gifts from my mother-in-law.  One is a delicate silk rectangle with a large-scale floral on a black background; the brand is Old Shanghai.  The other is a huge square of turquoise velvet with a burnout floral pattern; I’ve worn it as a shawl over an all-black look for dressy nights out. It’s from The Metropolitan Museum of Art gift shop; they have really beautiful things if you’ve never checked it out.

I even have a couple of scarves for spring and summer.  One is a sheer, white, woven frothy thing that looks great with my khaki anorak jacket.  The other I made from some remnant material from a duvet cover I was altering at the time.  The fabric is stiff for a scarf- it’s a blush, woven cotton with a damask pattern in gold- but it was far too lovely to be thrown away.  I’ve never seen a scarf quite like it, but I love the way it layers with more revealing summer clothes.

Is six scarves too many?  Maybe, but I do love (and wear) them all.  I love the slouchy look of a scarf; it’s an unexpected alternative to jewelry- a softer, subtler accessory.  Wearing one makes me feel protected, more self-possessed, gentler.  It adds color and texture to my otherwise monochromatic wardrobe.  It covers me up without drowning me in fabric, making me feel modest yet modern.

Finding Out How Much I Weigh, and Handbags.

 

I typically have a policy of never knowing how much I weigh. I don’t own a scale, and when I’m weighed at the doctor’s office, I ask not to be told my weight. I just don’t look at the number. With the prevalence of eating disorders in this country, most doctors and nurses comply without a second thought. If they do question it, I simply tell them that it’s detrimental to my mental health to know my weight. That usually ends the discussion. But over the past few months, I have weaned off of medication that caused weight gain. I’ve also drastically reduced the amount of food I’m eating in a day in an attempt to lose some excess weight. Progress has appeared to be exceedingly slow, at least according to how my clothes fit and how I look in the mirror. Out of a desperate curiosity, I asked my husband to tell me the number written down in my most recent psychiatrist’s appointment. How much has my weight gone down in the past 4-5 months of coming off the meds and eating less? I hoped to be pleasantly surprised, but I was not. The shocking truth: 12 pounds. I started around 224, and now am about 212. Deep breath. Now I see nothing wrong with anyone else being this weight- I see beautiful plus-size women who weigh more than me all the time. But I can’t help feeling a deep discomfort with my body at this size. I like to think it’s not for the superficial reasons: society’s unreasonable standards for women’s bodies, etc. I like to think it’s a more subtle “preference” to be closer to the weight I was for so many years- 140 or 150 pounds. A desire to feel comfortable in my own skin, to feel more athletic, less self-conscious. Am I just kidding myself? Am I every bit as shallow as I fear I am? And 12 pounds is nothing to sneeze at- that’s three-quarters of a pound a week, and I’ve been getting very little exercise and rarely leaving the house. I know that slow weight loss is ideal for long-term results, and I am 40 years old. My metabolism is not exactly that of a spring chicken. But it still seems painfully slow for the amount of effort I’ve put out. In addition to limiting my calories, I’m doing “intermittent fasting,” a new thing my doctor told me about where you limit the number of hours per day in which you eat. It’s supposed to be heart-healthy and good for weight loss. So this discovery of my current weight is enough of a disappointment to send me into a binge, cancelling out what little progress I’ve made. Clearly I’m not as body-positive as I had hoped. I told myself when I bought my current plus-size clothes that I would “see where my weight ends up.” At what point did I adopt this thin-or-die attitude? Was it finding out my weight that was the problem, or was this attitude what provoked me to ask? I squelched the urge to overeat and decided to keep my head down, keep calm, and carry on.

One purchase I made for my current plus-size wardrobe was a new crossbody bag. As I’m sure other plus size women know, a crossbody strap has to be a certain length to be comfortable. I myself was surprised to find one day that my purse was too small- I was in danger of strangulation-by-purse. Out of respect for my new body, I purchased a new bag with a longer strap at TJ Maxx. It’s a black leather Margot bag with one large zippered pouch and one outside flap pocket. While the strap length is quite accommodating, I’m finding the lack of structure to the bag incredibly frustrating. Despite several inner pockets, everything I own ends up in a pile at the bottom of the bag. It’s difficult to find anything, and it makes it seem like I’m carrying around the proverbial kitchen sink and everything else. After a few weeks of dealing with this frustration, I’ve gone back to my old bag, just hanging it on my shoulder instead. It’s structured much like a camera bag with 2 top zippers and a zippered pouch under the flap. There are compartments galore and it feels like walking around with a tiny, very efficient filing cabinet at my fingertips. The bag is soft navy leather, and it was a thrift-store find for $7. The brand is Aurielle, not a very sought-after name, but I’ve searched and searched and found nothing as compact and convenient in my price range (which is about $7). So now I carry a shoulder bag; big deal. I can find things immediately because they stay where I left them.

I’m clearly not a big handbag person, and only own three other bags. One is an enormous faux-leather black tote with a top zipper from Adrienne Vittadini (another common TJ’s brand). And then there’s the small, blush, faux leather clutch from ASOS. Purchased for my wedding, it has an oversized silver button with a magnetized snap closure. I also own a little army pouch from the Army Navy store that I’ve had since high school. It is so convenient for long walks when all you need is a phone and some cash. And- oh, wait! I have a backpack, too. The Victorinox Cadet in black is extremely durable - my husband’s Victorinox backpack has lasted over a decade - and is the perfect size to fit under an airplane seat with a laptop and sweater inside. It even has side pouches for a water bottle and a packet of tissues.

I find it reassuring, somehow, to continue carrying all my usual bags despite my significant weight gain. Like with shoes, I feel some essential part of my identity remains intact, even as the rest of my wardrobe changes. Aside from the crossbody-now-shoulder bag, I also love and use all the rest: clutch for dressing up, tote for hitting the cafe (laptop in tow), backpack for travel, and army pouch for walking our nearby bikepath. It’s a decidedly minimalist collection; the Margot handbag is already listed on Ebay.

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Running Into My Past, and Shoes

 

I’m sitting in a cafe, frozen with panic that I might see a woman I know. My husband saw her working here once and I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I ran into her. I had him go inside first to check if she was working but he didn’t see her, so we came in. And now I’m in a daze, sitting with my cup of tea, staring into space.

I knew her a few years ago, around the time we had our wedding, when we worked together at a different cafe. I was a different person then, three- no four years ago. Before TMS, before Ketamine, before Abilify when I worked in an office, then left and went on disability for mental illness. Before our last trip to Germany, before I gained all this weight, before this summer when I truly lost my mind. Maybe she wouldn’t recognize me? I’ve been through a lot. Maybe I look different enough to go unnoticed. I imagine how it would be if something else horrible had happened to me- cancer, or a miscarriage maybe. Would I feel so ashamed? So panicked that I can’t even order my own tea, so bewildered that I can’t think of anything to say to my husband?

I’ve had this kind of experience in the past- the worst thing in the world might be running into someone you haven’t seen in a while. I once ran into the composer of a show I’d been in- he’d known me when I was thin and “doing things.” I ran into him and another singer from the show. I had gained weight- a lot of weight. The singer said, “I almost didn’t recognize you!” Such tact.

The last time we were in Germany I dreaded running into people from the opera. I was no longer singing, no longer doing anything. And how could I explain it? How could I ever explain what had happened to me, why I’ve fallen so far?

Our wedding was around the time things started to go downhill. I wore green shoes with an antique cotton slip as a skirt and a custom-made blouson top, both white. I had a floral kimono jacket and a small blush clutch. A huge floral crown on my head, I smiled and gushed at all the guests, laughing and dancing. I don’t remember dancing since. I still have the green shoes- I love them. They are one of five pairs of heels that I own. Blush gladiator block-heel sandals, black sling-back cork wedges, and two pairs of identical pairs of peep-toe loafer-style heels, one black and one taupe. I don’t wear any of them. I hardly get dressed at all, never mind put on a pair of heels. But I love them all, they are all comfortable, and I imagine wearing them in the future. When I’m better. Which feels like never.

Instead I wear slip-on Supergas in gray or tan, snow boots from Lands’ End, ankleboots from Naturalizer. I have some tall wedge-heel boots from Sorel which get an occasional outing and some brown “Hobbit” shoes that I wear out of laziness, and for comfort. I have a pair of low-heeled boots with foldover cuffs in gray suede which I adore, but have suddenly become too small. Can you gain weight in your feet? Well, those will have to go, no matter how unique and perfect I think they are. They’re too tight to walk in. So I’m left with what- 11 pairs? Clearly I’m not so minimalist in this area. I’m not even all that practical- I mean, five pairs of heels that I don’t wear?

But keeping them means there’s hope for a future. The same way I kept my smaller clothes. It means there’s hope that maybe this extra weight will go away now that my meds have changed, now that I’m eating less, now that I don’t eat at night. Things are starting to shake loose, starting to open up. Small things, but painful ones- remembering who I was before the world closed in on me, came crashing down. What do I like to do? Who am I now without a career? Who am I without the hope of a fantastical future with fame and riches and the performing arts? But I read a book the other day; I left the house to go to a movie or for coffee. I bought and wrapped Christmas presents, however meager. And I cry every day in agony. Because at the same rate that I get better, my awareness of what I’ve lost grows. My abilities and my grief in tandem, alternately springing hope and slashing me down.

Getting Back to Exercise, and My Capsule Workout Wardrobe

 

“Sedentary" is the word that best describes my current activity level. I walk around the apartment from room to room, but it’s certainly not the recommended 10,000 steps. There is also the occasional effort at walking on the treadmill. Over the past month or two, this has occurred twice a week at most, always for an hour at 3.0, so a distance of three miles. I have this thing with exercise where I need it to be the exact same workout every time. Not sure why that is, but to some extent, it has to do with not wanting to wash my workout clothes if I haven’t put out the full effort. My current “workout capsule” (if you can even call it that) consists of four sports bras, four t-shirts (all identical gray ones from Old Navy), a pair of boot-cut yoga pants, a pair of skinny joggers that feel more like pajama pants than gym pants, and a pair of fleece-lined joggers. I also have a Columbia zip-up fleece, and a pair of running shoes. It’s too cold to go outside in the workout gear that currently fits me, although in the past I’ve gone running in the snow in a double layer of Under Armor.

Running isn’t even an option right now, because running at this weight hurts my ankles. I have a fantasy that I walk on the treadmill every day and I film it, so I can make a time-lapse weight-loss video that goes viral and makes me rich. I also have the yoga fantasy where I become spiritually enlightened, as well as the weight-lifting fantasy where I become empowered by my own increased strength and muscle tone and start posting selfies on Instagram with inspirational quotes underneath. The reality of it is that I walk a twenty minute mile, and I rarely even do that. Sometimes I know there’s no way it’s going to happen. And sometimes I put the outfit on before sitting on the couch, trying to keep my hopes up, but eventually admitting that it’s not going to happen despite the outfit.

Earlier this year, in the midst of the worst violent rages and deepest depression I’ve known, I’d run every day. I found it mellowed me a bit in the evenings if I “got it out of my system” by running for thirty minutes, then walking briskly for another thirty. I tried to sustain this routine after getting on to some heavy meds, cutting back to half-hour runs, then half-hour walks, and eventually, nothing. I slept a solid twelve to fourteen hours a day, and was ravenous all the time, waking up in the middle of the night from hunger. My weight skyrocketed to heights I didn’t even know I was capable of sustaining. I lay in bed all day, and had twenty-four hour surveillance (suicide watch) from my husband and my mom. Exercise was no longer a part of my routine, but neither were the uncontrollable rages, the throwing things and hitting myself in the head. The meds leveled me into submission, and left me with a good fifty or sixty pounds to lose (I stopped weighing myself during this time). I’m grateful to report that I’ve weaned off those drugs, and am on much more tolerable ones now. But the weight certainly isn’t falling off. I limit my calories, and I limit the number of hours a day during which I eat (my doctor recommended this tactic). I can’t say whether it’s helped any with the weight, but it certainly resets your circadian rhythm. Now I wake up early, and go to bed pretty early, too. My husband and I jokingly refer to it as the “fruit fly” diet, since the theory originated with experiments with fruit flies. I believe the official term is “intermittent fasting.” Again, it’s questionable whether it actually helps with weight loss, but any edge I can get, I’ll take.

I feel overwhelmed and frequently despondent over my weight, despite following @bodyposipanda and trying to love myself as I am. It’s just that my mental image of myself is so drastically different from what I see in the mirror. I’m shocked every time I see myself with a double chin, a belly that folds over at the bottom, arms that look inflated with fat. I try to familiarize myself with what I see, try to remind myself that I’m a worthy human being with a body like this. And when I see other plus size women in fashionable clothes, impeccable hair and makeup, and joy emanating from their smiling faces, I want what they have. I want that kind of confidence and level of self care. But I’m just not there, and don’t know if I’ll ever be there. I’m fully aware that thinness does not equal happiness, and that all bodies deserve love and admiration. I just can’t seem to apply these statements to myself.

Depressed Again and Wardrobe Updates

 
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I’m depressed again today, and the day has gone much like it did yesterday. I got stressed out trying to sort grapes for my breakfast. My husband took over for me. I’ve alternated bed and couch, watching Youtube videos or just lying in the dark. We did a camera test to look at possible setups for my own Youtube videos. I did, however, have a meltdown when I saw myself on camera. I guess I was under the impression that I was losing weight and feeling somewhat better lately. But my double chin and pissy attitude on camera showed otherwise. Around 4pm, I started sobbing. My husband came in and rubbed my feet in the dark bedroom. I felt despondent, yet consoled by this loving action.

I’ve been re-thinking the J. Crew T-shirts. Maybe I should keep the two white ones and layer them? But experience has taught me that buying too many multiples is a mistake. I also find the idea of having to wear both white T-shirts layered together excessively complicated.

My current T-shirts were bought in multiples. Six from Gap Factory, all pilled and worn out after six months and destined for textile recycling. And then the four swing tees from LOFT, one in electric blue that has been relegated to loungewear, and the three in neutral colors that I have become disenchanted with. The swing-style high-low hem thing is no longer working for me. It makes me feel very dramatic, and that seems an inappropriate feeling for a T-shirt, I think. Maybe if I called them “tops,” it would at least make more sense. But it doesn’t make me like them any more. They suddenly seem ridiculous- childish, even. It reminds me of the day I realized that I find puff sleeves and ruffles positively infantile. I eradicated all puffs and ruffles from my wardrobe immediately. This was also around the time I realized I hated dresses. So now I have, shockingly, no dresses at all.

At any rate, I do have five new T-shirts to replace the old ones. The 3-pack from ASOS in size 20 in gray, black, and white, and then the two navy Supima cotton tees in size 3X from J. Crew. I still stand by my argument in favor of these long-lasting gems, even though the white ones have been deemed redundant, too sheer, and too complicated to layer.

I’ve ousted a few other items from my wardrobe recently. Two black cotton camis by Lou & Grey at LOFT (the straps refused to stay up) and one pair of black linen joggers from Gap. I have some gray twill joggers from Gap that I love, and I had bought these linen ones thinking they were the same style. Unfortunately, I have come to admit that they are not, in fact, the same style. They have a more tapered leg, and contribute to my general sense that I am enormous. For the sake of the environment and my empty pocketbook, I have decided to list all of these items on Ebay. I set up a little Ebay store about a year and a half ago and I got really into selling thrifted items for a small profit. My husband was kind enough to do all the photography, so it is officially his business (though I did do much of the thrifting). At this point, I’ve stopped buying things to sell so I can focus more on blogging with what little energy I have. But it’s a great trick to be able to sell, and therefore recycle, any items I fall out of love with in my own wardrobe. And while they may not be designer brands, plus sizes do well regardless of brand, so I have that advantage as well. One last item that I’ll be selling is a black Vince cashmere sweater that I recently bought on Ebay. It turns out it’s not as soft as I had hoped, even after a good hand washing. But Vince is a sought-after brand on Ebay, so no great loss there.

This leaves the final roster of items left in my wardrobe as follows:

2 navy Supima cotton J. Crew tees

3 ASOS crew-neck tees (black, white, gray)

1 Cable & Gauge black and white striped tunic

1 oversized, silky, black tunic blouse (occasion wear)

2 black LOFT silky strappy camis

1 Vince gray cashmere sweater

1 Magaschoni black V-neck cashmere sweater

1 Cable & Gauge forest green sweater

1 purple-gray short sleeve cardigan

1 navy blue Gap men’s hoodie

1 Lands’ End black lightweight parka

1 Lauren Ralph Lauren black trench raincoat

2 pairs gray twill Gap joggers

1 pair dark blue D-Jeans jeggings

1 pair black D-jeans jeggings

1 pair black pull-on dress pants (occasion wear)

1 pair Lands’ End trouser jeans

1 pair Target linen-blend wide leg pants

2 pairs black Old Navy utility shorts

To see every item in my capsule wardrobe, click here.

My 25-Item Minimalist Plus-Size Capsule Wardrobe

 

25 items might seem extreme, especially since this capsule includes outerwear. But it’s surprising how little you truly need once you’ve opened up to the whole capsule idea. There is one glaring factor in why my current wardrobe is so spare, and that’s the weight gain I’ve experienced this year. I was straining to fit into my old clothes and feeling awkward and self-conscious, when one day a light bulb went on. I realized that even if I planned to lose the weight, it would take a good amount of time for that to happen, and I was miserable with my too-small clothes. So I decided a small capsule wardrobe was the right answer for me.

I started with T-shirts, an absolute daily staple for me. My go-tos in the past have been Loft Vintage Soft Tees and Old Navy Slub Cotton Tees, but plus-sizes weren’t in stock in the colors and styles I wanted. Basic, boxy crewnecks are my favorite and it can be tricky finding one with a feminine cut that still fits over my belly. I ended up ordering from J. Crew Plus and ASOS Curve, and I am still eagerly awaiting my packages’ arrival, so I can try them all out. I ordered two different styles from J Crew, and a 3-pack (Black, White, and Grey) from ASOS.

Next, it was on to pants. I had shorts, wide leg jeans, and linen pants from the summer that fit me, but I needed some skinny jeans that would tuck easily into my snow boots, and look good with my ankle boots. I started at Marshalls, where I have had great luck in the past with plus-size skinny jeans. Lo and behold, I found a black pair that fit me perfectly, as well as a bottle-green oversize sweater from Cable & Gauge. The black jeans are from D. Jeans, a brand I’ve turned to for years for comfortable, affordable, and surprisingly expensive-looking black jeans that don’t have that funny smell that some black denim has. Wanting another pair in blue, I went onto the TJ Maxx website, which often carries the same items as Marshalls (Marshalls doesn’t have a website). I found several styles from D. Jeans and ordered a few to try out, before deciding on the “Skinny Plus” style with a high, 3-button waist. I found that I already had two pairs of grey twill Gap joggers in size XL that still fit because of the roomy elastic waistband. They have the added bonus of working well with my boots.

Two of my cashmere sweaters still fit, although they aren’t as “oversized” as they once were. One is a grey crew neck from Vince in XL and the other is a black V-neck from Magaschoni in XXL (both found second hand on Ebay.) I had a short sleeve purpley-grey cardigan more suited to summer and spring. Plus, I ordered a gorgeous camel cashmere cardigan in a 3X from the J. Crew Black Friday sale.

Next were coats. I found that my long, white puffer coat from Kenneth Cole in XL was too tight, but my Land’s End lightweight parka in a 1X still fit just fine. I figure I can layer it under my Lauren Ralph Lauren tailored raincoat in XL to get through the snowy season.

The only other items in this capsule are a couple of silky black camis I picked up over the summer from LOFT in size XXL petite. And I almost forgot: I also included a simple outfit for festive occasions: a silky tunic top and some pull-on trousers with a subtle sheen. Both are black, and can be dressed up with heels and jewelry. For less formal occasions, a striped jersey tunic looks a bit more special than a T-shirt and sweater (my usual everyday uniform).

So that’s how I’ve adapted some existing items and added some new ones to this rather minimalist capsule. As time goes on and I see whether my weight changes or not, I can add more items, or else take stock of what’s in storage in smaller sizes to put together a new capsule.

The Capsule Wardrobe Compendium

 
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If you’re as taken with the Capsule Wardrobe concept as I am, you’ve probably encountered a number of incarnations of the idea online. Perhaps all the various rules and regulations have your head spinning—but no worries! I have accumulated here a compendium of sorts describing a number of different methods of building a capsule wardrobe. I’ve tried to provide links for your further perusal should any particular process take your fancy. Let’s start at the beginning.

  1. The OG: Susie Faux invented the concept of a capsule wardrobe in the 70’s, known simply as “a collection of essential items of clothing that would not go out of fashion.” (Wikipedia) Seasonal pieces were added, but sparingly. Donna Karan revived the idea in 1985 with her “7 Easy Pieces” collection, designed with working women in mind.

  2. Project 333. In 2010, Courtney Carver introduced the “minimalist fashion challenge” of wearing only 33 items of clothing for three months. Included in this capsule are clothing, shoes, bags, accessories, and jewelry- only pajamas, workout wear and underwear are excluded. Perhaps the most restrictive capsule I’ve come across, I’ve found it a worthy experiment to get you thinking.

  3. The 37-Item Capsule concept was started by Carolyn Joy of the blog Unfancy as a more moderate variation on Project 333. She increased the number of items and only included clothing and shoes in that count. Seasonal items are stored and then rotated out of storage every three months. This has to be the most popular capsule wardrobe method around. It has been adopted by a number of my favorite Youtubers: The Anna Edit, Kitty Cotten, and Use Less. Carolyn’s site provides a user-friendly guide to making this method work for you.

  4. The 10-Item Wardrobe was first described in Jennifer Scott’s book Lessons from Madame Chic. This capsule includes 10 “core” items, such as dresses, skirts, tops, and pants, that are supplemented by “extras” (T-shirts, sweaters, outerwear, shoes, and special-occasion wear). The 10 core items are rotated out seasonally, the idea being that bringing items out of storage makes them feel new again and can help squelch the urge to shop.

  5. The 5-Piece French Wardrobe. This is not so much a capsule concept as a shopping plan. The idea is that you only purchase five items just twice a year. The emphasis is on quality over quantity and carefully selected investment pieces over trendy ones.

  6. Popular with the minimalist set is the idea of a Small Year-Round Wardrobe without seasonal rotation. Fans of this system often limit their closet to a set number of items which seems to vary based on climate and other factors. Great for assessing your entire wardrobe at once, it is also adaptable to your needs. My favorite Youtubers in this category are A Small Wardrobe and Vested Interests.

  7. The Curated Closet. This book was written by blogger Anushka Rees, and has an accompanying workbook as well. Rees combines in-depth analysis of your personal style with meticulous planning strategies. The goal is to create a truly refined wardrobe customized to your specific tastes and needs. This is by far the most comprehensive and detailed primer on creating an ideal wardrobe, capsule or otherwise. I plan to do a series on my own experience of working through the book.

Hopefully this breaks it all down for you and helps you decide which approach most appeals to you. I have found it helpful to try out a number of methods and change it up as my wardrobe evolves. No matter what approach you take, you’ll find a world of difference in how you think about clothes.

The Plus Size Capsule Wardrobe

To see every item in my capsule wardrobe, click here.

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Having had minimalist tendencies since childhood, I quickly became an avid fan of all things capsule wardrobe-related.  It was the stuff of dreams: a small, curated collection of clothes I actually loved to wear.  I dove into the de-cluttering process with great fervor, and was surprised by many style-related epiphanies along the way:

1. I hate ruffles and puff sleeves.

2. V-necks never look good on me.

3. Dresses make me feel awkward—but a pencil skirt and blouson top make me feel chic.  

I whittled things down to my favorite essentials, then began to fill in the gaps— a black sweater, or another white tee.  The only trouble was, at this point, I was extremely picky about what I wanted to add to my capsule wardrobe.  Among the multitude of simple, minimal, and ethical brands popping up everywhere in response to the capsule trend, none of them carried my size.  While “fast fashion” brands had begun welcoming plus-size customers with open arms, finally making cheap, disposable clothing available to all, quality or designer pieces worthy of space in my capsule closet were nowhere to be found.  

I started following plus-size fashion Youtubers as well as minimalists and capsule-wardrobe gurus. But the plus-size fashion mavens were all wearing Torrid, Fashion Nova, and Shein, ecstatic that the trendiest of trends now came in their size. And the capsule wardrobe crew were all impossibly, unrelatably thin.  Thus, I had to find my own way: sifting through the racks at TJ Maxx and Marshalls, ordering online from Asos Curve and Lands’ End, occasionally finding that an XXL from Gap or Old Navy would work just fine.  And then—as though suddenly realizing our money was just as good as thin people’s—a few classic brands started offering plus sizes.  I am so pleased to report that at long last, J. Crew goes up to 5X!  LOFT plus sizes are here! (though not in stores).  And Universal Standard has a return policy that allows you to exchange sizes within a year of purchase if you’ve lost or gained weight!

Which brings me to another issue: weight fluctuation.  If your weight loss journey has gone awry, or even turned into a weight gain journey (hey, life happens), you might hesitate to invest in higher-quality clothes for a capsule wardrobe. Having had my weight fluctuate about a hundred pounds over the last decade, I came right up against this dilemma.  And for me, the answer is partly moderation in purchasing, but also have what I like to call a “Weight Change Capsule Wardrobe.”  
When I decluttered my wardrobe, I kept only things I loved, no matter what size they were.  The ones that fit me got hung up in the closet, and the ones that didn’t went into a storage bin on my top shelf.  The next time my weight changed, I simply swapped out sizes.  Sure, I had to fill in a few gaps again, but having these core pieces stored away saved me from having to start from scratch.  This idea of swapping out clothes from storage is often an inherent part of maintaining a capsule wardrobe, usually done at the change of season. But I see no reason that it can’t work in the same way for anyone whose weight fluctuates.  Shopping for fewer items and pulling out your old favorites helps ease the transition in terms of body image and is far less wasteful and damaging to the environment.  My current wardrobe is relatively small because I work from home and don’t need a large variety of styles.  I have a basic uniform, and don’t stray from that.  (As I said from the beginning, I do have rather minimalist tendencies.) But your capsule doesn’t have to look like mine.  There is so much inspiration online and on Pinterest- have a look around to see what your ideal closet might look like.  Take your time decluttering, and experiment with your existing wardrobe.  Find what works best for you, and don’t settle for anything less.

To see every item in my capsule wardrobe, click here.

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