Everlane T-Shirt Part 3: The Saga Continues

March 03, 2020 by Kristin Purcell in Clothes

Well, I wore my new Everlane T-shirt a couple of times— this is the replacement one they sent me after the hem unraveled on the first one. I washed it on a cold, gentle cycle and dried it on low, and the seams came out completely twisted up. They look like when you iron seams wrong and you get those ripple-folds in them. Not only did this happen to the bottom hem, but to the sleeves, too. (See below.)

I don’t really understand why it came out like this- I had already washed it before wearing it to try and soften it up (side note: it did not get any softer and is still kind of scratchy). But alas, I am again disappointed by this Everlane Air Tee. I’ve done some reading on how to judge the quality of clothing in my efforts to shop more sustainably and have often heard it said that twisted seams are a sure sign of a poorly-made garment. So in an attempt to shop sustainably and ethically, I bought an item from a supposedly sustainable and ethical brand, only to discover (twice) that the item is poorly made and can’t even sustain two washings, never mind years of wear.

I looked at the hems of all my other T-shirts. Perhaps this was a common problem that my presumably sweatshop-made, Old Navy and Gap Factory T-shirts would share. But no— here are examples of the hems of all the T-shirts I own, all of which have been washed innumerable times, and all of which have perfect, flat seams.

First there’s J. Crew: These T-shirts were pretty expensive. I think I got them on sale for $27 each (comparable to $25 for the Everlane one). As expected, the seams are perfect.

Then there’s ASOS. These came in a 3-pack for $24, so $8 a piece. Perfect seams.

Then there’s Gap Factory- the cheaper Gap brand. These were about $6 a piece. They are cut on the bias in a “slub” cotton and have curved hems, all of which are perfect.

And finally, I have two types of Old Navy T-shirts, both in slub cotton cut on the bias. The blue ones have perfect, straight seams and the grey ones have perfect, curved hems. These were surely no more than $6 a piece.

So what are they doing wrong over at Everlane? Why are all these sweatshop-made T-shirts of such better quality than the ethically-made ones? What is so difficult about making a decent T-shirt? And aside from these seam issues, there’s the problem of the fabric quality on the Everlane tee. It just feels scratchy and cheap, like something you can get at H&M for $1.

Yet somehow, the YouTubers and bloggers I follow are completely on board with Everlane. I can’t count the number of sponsored videos and gifted products these influencers are just lapping up in a seemingly desperate attempt to find cute, ethical and sustainable clothing. If you’re a YouTube junkie like me, I’m sure you’ve seen the reviews of Everlane items, always mentioning the high quality of the clothes, since that’s an obvious element to shopping sustainably.

But the very same week that I discovered the mangled seams on my Everlane T-shirt, I came across on YouTube not one, but two mentions of quality issues with Everlane items. The first was by Lizzy Hadfield, a mainstream style blogger who I imagine is feeling the pressure to go greener in her purchasing. She owns many gifted Everlane items, always speaks well of them, and yet she discovered a hole in her Everlane sweater and showed it in her vlog. It was right at the intersection of seams, not in the body of the fabric, which says to me that it was a manufacturing problem for sure. She tried to cover for it, saying it ”wasn’t like them” to have quality problems, but it definitely made me feel a little better to see a crack in the facade of this ethical/sustainable brand that can seemingly do no wrong. I felt somewhat validated, that is until I saw Lizzy wearing Everlane jeans in a subsequent Instagram post and realized she was still getting paid to support the brand. Go to 27:37 to see the sweater:

A couple days later I watched a video by Madeleine Olivia, a minimalist/vegan/sustainable shopper with a hefty YouTube following. She was decluttering some of her clothing when she “called out” Everlane for making shitty clothing. She had a pair of pants with a hole in them and a sweatshirt with some strange discoloration, both of which she said felt cheap, like something from Primark (a UK fast fashion brand). Go to 22:20 to hear her complaints:

I could not contain my glee. I composed a maniacal email to Everlane Customer Support, not only including my complaint about my replacement T-shirt, but also the photos of all my other T-shirt hems and links to the aforementioned YouTube videos. I’m quite sure they think I’m nutso for doing this, and could only issue a brief apology and thanks for my feedback, but I really thought they should know that there are problems with the quality of their clothes.

I’d been feeling like I was the only person in the world to have any of these problems. I mean, surely a brand so lauded by style bloggers just had to be good. Not so. I suspect these plugs for Everlane are motivated not only by money for paid sponsorships and free clothes, but also by a desperate need to find guilt-free clothing that doesn’t price out viewers/readers. And as for Everlane’s part in all this, I think that in order to keep prices down and still make the “radical transparency” claims that they do, they’re cutting some serious corners and having trouble keeping up with the sweatshops.

Sustainable Plus Size Basics

February 26, 2020 by Kristin Purcell in Clothes

I thought I’d revisit the idea of ethical/sustainable plus size clothing, searching specifically for the types of items I’m always in the market for: basics. T-shirts, socks, underwear, and activewear tend to wear out faster than anything else, and so finding ethical/sustainable options seems highly worthwhile. In my last blog on the subject I talked about searching for a simple white T-shirt to replace the one that had had a deodorant mishap. I exhausted a long list of brands’ websites and came up with one winner that was reasonably affordable at $40: The Cloud Tee in Nimbus by And Comfort (also available in other colors)

And Comfort has only a small collection of pieces, but they are all available in sizes 10-28. Their website explains their use of sustainable fabrics, natural materials, and ethical labor practices, including paying workers a living wage.

Another favorite I’ve mentioned before, Eileen Fisher, was a sustainable and ethical company long before it was trendy. Their website includes extensive information on their supply chain and factories, responsible and organic fibers, human rights initiatives for garment workers, and fair trade practices. Here’s one of their 70% recycled cashmere sweaters I’m swooning over:

Eileen Fisher - Lofty Recycled Cashmere Crew Neck Box-Top (available in several colors) on sale for $199 (Sizes go up to 3X)

If Eileen Fisher is out of your price range, you can always keep an eye on their secondhand site, RENEW. If you’ve ever owned an Eileen Fisher item, you may have noticed the “We want our clothes back” tag inside. If you return your unwanted clothes to retail stores (or send them in), you get a $5 rewards card for each item to use towards a new purchase. The RENEW program resells the garments at reduced prices, or else sews pieces of various garments to make new designs for their Resewn collection. Here’s a “like new” secondhand item I’ve got my eye on.

Eileen Fisher Renew - Used Washable Wool Fine Crepe Cardigan $65 Size 2X (Sizes go up to 3X)

Yet another brand I thought was worth mentioning again is Girlfriend Collective. On their website under “sustainability” you will find incredibly informative and explicit details of their production processes and labor practices. Their materials are composed of post-consumer recycled plastic bottles and other plastic waste, mixed with a smaller percentage of spandex. Here are two matching items I’d love to pick up when my current workout clothes wear out.

Girlfriend Collective - Smoke Paloma Bra (also available in several other colors) $38 (Sizes go up to 6XL)

Girlfriend Collective - Smoke Compressive High-Rise Legging (also available in several other colors) $68 (Sizes go up to 6XL)

The next few brands are new to me, found on a list of sustainable brands compiled by Sustainably Shelbi, AKA Shelbizleee on her blog and YouTube channel. This woman does an enormous amount of research into brands and products and is a great resource for all things eco-friendly.

Miakoda has a small collection of basics, some of which are available in sizes up to XXL. Miakoda is made in an ethical factory in NYC from sustainable materials. According to Shelbizleee, their loungewear is super soft and comfortable. Since pajamas make up the majority of my wardrobe, I was excited to see these on sale.

Miakoda - The High Waisted Jogger - FINAL SALE $58 (Sizes go up to XXL in this item)

Gaia Conceptions uses only organic fabrics and natural or eco-friendly dyes. Garments are made to order by artisans in their North Carolina Studio. I am most intrigued by this brand’s range of kaftans. While something of an investment, I think the versatility and quality are well worth it.

Gaia Conceptions - Chunky Cowl Tunic Kaftan (available in many colors and fabrics) $102 (Sizes go up to XXXL)

Blue Sky Clothing Co is a fair trade company using natural materials and offering inclusive sizing. I am most excited to find this gem of a brand since they sell basic tees, socks, and underwear in plus sizes. This is the only ethical/sustainable brand I’ve found that does that. They have four styles of underwear (the hipster is my favorite) in a wide range of colors and prints. They also have tanks, tees, and long-sleeve tees in several colors, all made from 95% Bamboo, 5% Lycra.

Blue Sky Clothing Co - The Hipster, Black (also available in several other colors) $11.34 (Sizes go up to 4X)

Blue Sky Clothing Co - Tessa Tee, White (also available in several other colors) $37.06 (Sizes go up to 3X)

The last couple of brands I wanted to mention are NOT plus size brands, but they do make great quality ethical/sustainable socks for men and women. Sizes in other items only go up to XL.

Organic Basics uses natural, renewable, recycled, biodegradable and/or low-impact textiles only. They source and manufacture all of their goods in Europe and ensure ethical working conditions. Bras and underwear go up to size XL.

Organic Basics - No Plus Sizes - Women’s Socks 2-Pack, Black (see size chart) $17

Boody produces all of their items in WARP certified factories which adhere to strict ethical standards. Their products are primarily made from bamboo. Bras and underwear go up to size XL.

Boody - No Plus Sizes - Women’s Sports Ankle Sock, White, 3-9 $9.95

Hope these links are helpful!

Circular Fashion Content

February 25, 2020 by Kristin Purcell in Minimalism, Clothes

I have a confession to make: I don’t exclusively follow ethical/sustainable fashion influencers. Despite my minimalist tendencies, I can get bored with photos of the same capsule wardrobe pieces in endless combinations. I find myself excited at the prospect of watching “haul videos” on YouTube where influencers share their most recent clothing purchases. Quite frankly, it’s exciting to see what’s new in the fashion world. I like seeing new cuts and shapes and I love following the trajectory of an influencer’s style.

Some of the style influencers I love (Lizzy Hadfield of Shot from the Street, Anna of The Anna Edit, Jamie Lee of Mademois-elle) I have seen criticized for the constant influx of new clothing into their wardrobes. The expectation for style influencers seems to have shifted from simply sharing their edit of what’s new in fashion or in their personal style to only sharing pieces from ethical/sustainable brands. And while there are many positives to this shift, including an increased demand for ethical/sustainable clothing, it does put style influencers in an awkward position. It really is their job to sell you a curated selection of clothing by posting pictures on Instagram and videos on YouTube. And that’s often their defense for their shopping behavior: I need to have a lot of clothes because it’s my job. And I think that’s pretty valid.

If the clothes these influencers choose to wear are ethically/sustainably made, then everyone wins and has a clear conscience. But if ethical/sustainable brands come up short in terms of quality or style and don’t make the edit, then it’s possible that they need to step up their game. Because if the mainsream style influencers aren’t getting excited about the clothes, the general public won’t either. Maybe these influencers could even help responsible brands to see exactly what styles are in demand.

When it comes to ethically/sustainably-minded influencers, I wanted to point out the best of this group. My favorite content overall is that created by A Small Wardrobe on her blog and YouTube channel. She constantly cycles pieces in and out of her wardrobe, shopping primarily secondhand and reselling her castoffs to subscribers— a true model of circular fashion. The small size of her wardrobe keeps things focused while the constant updates maintain a good amount of variety, something I definitely appreciate. Another standout on YouTube is Alyssa Beltempo, whose slow-fashion approach involves styling older or secondhand pieces from her large wardrobe into looks inspired by Instagram. This provides a lot of variety and relevance without any fast fashion purchases.

Maybe good style content is not a matter of finding new clothes or even new topics to blog about. I think it’s more a matter of depth and authenticity. A lot of people who talk about capsule wardrobes don’t let you in. They publish a “list-icle” of “10 Tips” or “3 Looks,” but that’s as deep as it goes. The bloggers and YouTubers I love, I love because they show me who they are. They let me see their authentic, unique qualities, their quirks.

Sometimes that means having a day job— Karolina Zebrowska on YouTube is a costume designer and author of books on vintage clothing, and her profession contributes much to her content. Aside from her barely-edited, weird and hilarious sit-down videos on vintage clothing, she makes random short videos relating modern vines to historical costumes, something I doubt anyone else is doing.

But other times it’s not the day job that makes content interesting; it’s just about how connected I feel to someone. Lizzy Hadfield, well-known for her fashion content and unique style, posts a lot of vlogs on her YouTube channel. And I want to see every last minute of it. If she posts a “Testing Basics” video or a “Monthly Fashion Report,” that’s just a bonus. I’m already watching her make her bed and walk to the post office because I feel like I know her. I know how smart she is, how creative and thoughtful and funny. And I also love the way she dresses, so I want to hear all of her thoughts on clothes. So maybe it’s not the novelty of new clothes or the unique topics that make content good; it’s the people creating it.

Everlane Update and Klonopin Chronicles

February 04, 2020 by Kristin Purcell in Clothes, Mental Illness

Well, after my rant about my Everlane T-shirt hem coming undone, I decided to calm down and actually try contacting them to see if they offer any kind of guarantee on their products. I didn’t feel like getting all worked up again, so I sent them an email with the segment of my blog where I went off about it.

Much to my chagrin, they were very apologetic, polite, and simply asked for a photo of the hem to see what the problem might have been. I sent them the two photos from the blog and they kindly offered a refund or replacement. The rep reassured me that this was not a widespread issue and he truly believed I had received a defective product. All this kindness despite the fact that my order was placed several months ago and I had used a referral credit to pay for the shirt in the first place. They promptly Fed-Exed the new T-shirt to me and I’m wearing it now.

I am still a little bit skeptical of the quality for two reasons: One, there were some loose threads at the neckline on this new shirt, though there seems to be no danger of anything unraveling. Two, the fabric still feels kind of cheap and almost scratchy; I had to wash it before I could wear it. At this point I considered the idea that perhaps I had not properly cared for the original T-shirt and checked the care instructions. The tag said to wash it in cold water and- get this- lay it flat to dry. A T-shirt. It was safe to say that I had not followed said instructions. Who lays a T-shirt flat to dry?

So I washed this new one on cold and threw it into the tumble dryer on low, which I think is all that could possibly be expected in terms of caring for a T-shirt. This is how I care for most of my clothes, save some gym wear that I line dry or wool sweaters that I flat dry. And so far, so good. The fabric has softened up a bit and as of yet, there’s no unraveling from the T-shirt or from me.

But all this did get me thinking about the care instructions on my other clothes. First I checked an ASOS T-shirt tag: machine wash at 40 degrees, turn inside out, no tumble dry, iron on reverse side. Okay, this sounded almost as unreasonable as the Everlane tag. I tried a Gap Factory T-shirt: machine wash cold/gentle, tumble dry low, cool iron. This was better, but still, cool iron? Then I checked a J. Crew T-shirt: machine wash cold, tumble dry low, warm iron. Finally, one that sort of made sense. But even that I’d say is erring on the side of caution.

When I was selling clothes on Ebay, I often found that the care instructions on clothing were overly conservative. I hand-washed and line-dried many a “dry-clean only” item with excellent results. Lined wool blazers and dresses did get dry-cleaned or simply sterilized with a straight vodka spray, but most things that didn’t get chucked in the washer and dryer got the cold bath/line-dry (or flat-dry) treatment. And despite laundering literally several hundred garments, there were only two items that were total failures: an Armani viscose dress that shrank to the size of a tube top, and a Pendleton wool sweater that upon coming into contact with water, released a cloud of horrible chemical smells that could only have been caused by multiple dry cleanings.

Which brings up something else I wonder about: is dry-cleaning really the safest option, care-wise? I often hear of beloved designer sweaters shrinking up at the dry-cleaners, and I myself had a devastating incident with a lined vintage velvet gown that came back as crushed velvet.

So how is one ever to know which way to go? In my experience, anything lined is best left to the experts- except for velvet, for which I have no solution. As for wool, I’d contend that a hand wash in cold water and a flat dry is the most delicate way to go. But cotton? Cotton I’m tossing in the dryer. If I really don’t want any shrinkage, I might opt to line dry instead. But the only items I lay flat are sweaters. Sorry, Everlane. I understand erring on the side of caution for the care instructions, but I have to draw a line somewhere in the realm of practicality.

Onto another subject: my latest medication adjustment. For years now, I’ve relied on Klonopin for anxiety attacks and sobbing fits. It takes up to an hour to kick in, but it’s been the only anti-anxiety medication to do the trick for me. I’ve worked my way up from 1/2 mg dose at first to 3-4 mg a day at some really bad points. I’ve been taking 1 mg at bedtime for quite a while, despite knowing it is not a good long-term solution for sleep problems. I recently switched it out for some Benadryl, as I still need something both for sleep and to fight off any akathisia from my nighttime Latuda. But last year I was consistently taking 1 mg Klonopin at bedtime and 1-2 mg for anxiety in the day/evening. Most recently I started taking 2 mg at once for anxiety, having built up such a tolerance over the years- a situation I have often worried about.

My current psychiatrist has often suggested taking 1 mg before anxiety symptoms set in (as they do every evening), but I always failed to do so, wanting instead to “save up” my daily allotment for when I really needed it later on. But after my last appointment where I made the same complaints I’ve been making for months, I finally took his explicit instructions to take a half mg at 2pm and another half mg in the evening. I blithely thought, what good can a half a Klonopin do?

Well, apparently a lot, when taken at the right time. This 1 mg, split into 2 doses earlier in the day, has been all I need lately- and that’s down from a solid 3 mg a day. I’ve started keeping a “meltdown chart” as part of my habit tracker, rating my level of meltdown each day on a scale of 0-10. And the results have been quite impressive- I’m honestly shocked at how frequently I’ve gone meltdown-free these past couple weeks, sometimes for several days in a row. My worst two days have hit a 4 on the scale, and I did take an extra 1 mg during those episodes, but overall there’s been a huge improvement.

My theory is that the small dose at 2pm is enough to take the edge off my anxiety and help me engage in something productive, which then helps with the nighttime depression and anxiety. When I’m able to get something done, I have a lot less negative self-talk, and that helps my mood enormously. A larger dose during the day is enough to put me right back to sleep, so in this case it seems that less is more.

The best thing is, the results have been immediate, since Klonopin is an anti-anxiety medication and only does its work for 1-4 hours. This means I don’t have to wait weeks for it to build up in my system like with my other psychiatric meds. I’m just so grateful for my psychiatrist’s seemingly infinite patience with me and my moods. I’m hopeful that this simple, subtle change in dosing and timing will continue giving great results. I still have days where I struggle to get anything done, and there are times when I surrender to the struggle and go back to bed. But I think I’m finally getting somewhere, if even just a little bit.

Unintentional 90-Day No-Buy and the Latest Number-Crunching

January 28, 2020 by Kristin Purcell in Capsule Wardrobe, Clothes, Minimalism

I’ve been reading a lot online about clothing “no-buy” or “low-buy” challenges lately and my interest has been piqued. If you’re not familiar with the terms, a “no-buy” is when you refrain from buying clothing (or cosmetic items, etc.) for a certain period of time (30 days, 90 days, 1 year). In the case of a “low-buy”, you usually limit yourself to a certain number of items or a certain budget. It seems like a worthwhile endeavor for anyone looking to minimize their spending as well as their carbon footprint.

I thought I’d take a look at my recent purchases to see how I measure up, and whether this type of challenge could be beneficial for me. This is when I realized something surprising: I haven’t purchased any clothing in more than 90 days- it’s been 116 days to be exact. Since my weight has been relatively stable these past few months, I haven’t had to buy anything to accommodate any weight fluctuation. And I guess I just haven’t felt the need to shop retail- or even thrift- for some time.

Aside from factoring in my stabilized weight, there’s also my dipping into storage to consider. Some sweaters, pajamas, workout clothes, and even underwear have been freed from the storage bin and incorporated into my minimal wardrobe. I’m hoping I’ll be able to keep pulling items from storage going forward as my weight continues to change.

This makes me wonder how long I can keep this “no-buy” going. Is it possible that I’ve reached a point where I can stop constantly buying pants? I’m not so sure. I don’t have any men’s pants in smaller sizes, and since they’ve become a staple for me, that’s one gap I’ll probably need to fill in my future wardrobe. But otherwise, I might have enough in storage to make up the rest.

In any case, I thought it would be a good time to do a little “clothing accounting.” The last time I ran the numbers was in Crunching Numbers and Capsule Wardrobe Updates, May 1st, 2019.

Since then, here’s what we’re looking at (it’s currently the end of January, 2020):

Number of clothing items purchased: 26
Number of items returned: 5
Number of items kept: 21
Total spent on clothing after returns: $232.98

Here’s the breakdown:
Socks/bras/underwear purchased: 13
8/7/19 3 pairs underwear (Macy’s) $30
10/4/19 3 pairs underwear (Kohl’s) $30
10/4/19 1 bra (Kohl’s) $27.60 (exchanged for another size on 10/5/19)
10/4/19 3-pack socks (TJ Maxx) $6.99
10/4/19 3-pack socks (TJ Maxx) $5.99
Total spent on socks/bras/underwear: $100.58

Capsule clothing items and shoes purchased: 8
5/27/19 ASOS white tee $14.49
5/27/19 Adidas back-up sneakers (TJ Maxx) $34.99
8/15/19 Size 38 501 Levi’s (thrifted) $11.99
9/13/19 Size 36 501 Levi’s (Ebay) $18.55
9/13/19 Grey flannel men’s pants size 38 (Ebay) $18.15
9/25/19 Size 40 501 Levi’s (Ebay) $16.24
9/25/19 Black men’s dress pants size 38 (Ebay) $14.99
9/25/19 Everlane Pink Air Tee $25+$6 restocking fee-$28 credit=$3.00
Total spent on shoes and capsule clothing: $132.40

Almost half my total spent went towards socks, bras, and underwear. These items were all bought new from department stores since I could not find any suitable ethical/sustainable options in plus sizes and thrifting was ruled out for obvious reasons. Of the remaining 8 clothing items, 5 were thrift/Ebay finds, 1 was from a sustainable/ethical brand, and 2 were standard retail purchases. I’m happy with that result, but I can always aim to do better.

One major issue I had with this round of purchases was the number of failures (3). The ASOS white tee was stiffer and less comfortable than the one it was bought to replace, and so barely got worn. (I couldn’t return it because I’d already washed it.) The size 40 Levi’s never looked right from the start, but it wasn’t worth paying the shipping to return them, so they went into the discard pile. And the infamous Everlane Air Tee fell apart after only 2 wears, so it never really established residency in my wardrobe. This amounts to a waste of $33.73, as well as the resources used to manufacture the T-shirts and the environmental impact of all the shipping involved.

Budget-wise, if I total everything up and divide it by the approximate number of months (9), it comes out to $25.89 per month. This is a vast improvement over my last monthly average of $77 or so a month (for 5 months), but it still sounds like a lot for barely buying clothes. I guess knowing that half of it was for socks and underwear, it does make more sense. It seems like these categories are an unfortunate necessity, especially considering the limited plus-size options in ethical/sustainable brands. I’d love to be able to buy these high-turnover, non-thriftable items from Organic Basics, but they have yet to offer larger sizes. And my faith in Everlane as an option has waned. I’m clearly not convinced their clothes are of good quality. So it seems like Ebay, thrift stores, and those necessary evils- the department stores- are still my best bets.

Capsule Wardrobe Update, and Back to Dieting

January 21, 2020 by Kristin Purcell in Clothes, Capsule Wardrobe, Food

It’s been quite a while since I did a thorough capsule wardrobe update and there have been a number of changes to my wardrobe since then. This is despite my weight being relatively stable (my weigh-in this week told me I’m down to exactly 170lbs). I had a look at my last capsule post in September and realized there have been a few items pulled from storage, a few new additions, and some blatant rejections.

For one thing, back in September I had pulled a blush cotton sweater from storage, but soon after that post decided it was still too small to wear. I selected a warmer replacement, my pink Cynthia Rowley cashmere pullover. I started wearing it during our Germany trip and continue to reach for it now.

Speaking of pink, there was the purchase and sudden demise of an Everlane Air Tee, barely a blip on the capsule radar.

I toyed with wearing some old blue skinny jeans while in Germany, but apparently what happens in Germany stays in Germany. I decided for the millionth time that I just feel too “girly” in skinny jeans and really don’t like how they look on me. They also slide down a lot since they’re stretchy and tend to bag out after about 20 minutes of wearing them. Since I can’t be bothered to wear a belt with them, I put them away upon returning home from our trip.

I had quite a trial finding some men’s Levi 501s to replace the size 38-waist ones I thrifted and was wearing in September. They were getting too big, so I bought some 36s on Ebay, only to discover that those were way too tight. I ran the numbers and realized the 38s actually measured 40 in the waist, so I should have been looking for more 38s. I found a third pair on Ebay that the seller said measured 38 in the waist even though the tag said 40, so I went with those. Well, they fit in the waist but otherwise looked way too big, so then those were put aside. I returned to the 36s, creating a button-hack so I could wear them, but soon changed my mind concerning the viability of that project and put them all away. Finally, upon returning from our trip and finding out I’d lost a few pounds, I gave the 36s another go and by god, they fit. So I’m back to one pair of jeans.

After all of the above changes, I was left with the same number of pieces I had back in September: 26. But I did add a pair of black men’s trousers a while back and they’re still going strong (thank you, Ebay). I pulled my heavy winter parka out of storage and it finally fits, just in time for the cold. It’s a Cole Haan white knee-length puffer coat that can zip up over my mouth when it’s especially chilly. It’s an XL and fits quite nicely at the moment, although I’m not crazy about the flashy gold zipper and the feminine hourglass shape. Lastly, I clawed back my white Gap Factory T-shirts that are too sheer to wear on their own (I layer them both together). They’re not in the best shape in terms of pilling and greying, but it’s so nice to wear a shirt that’s not black or navy that I find myself wearing it anyway.

So with the addition of these three items into the mix, I’m up to a 29-piece wardrobe for the year.

Now I don’t know how long this will last, since my pants are already threatening to slide down my hips. But I have yet to go foraging for those infamous smaller-clothes-in-storage. With my weight coming in at 170, taking into account the fact that I’m lifting weights now and probably have more muscle mass than when those clothes fit me before, I’m tempted. But knowing how triggering that Pandora’s Box can be, I’m going to give it some time.

I’ve been eating 2,000 calories a day for 6 weeks now and have only lost 1.2 pounds in the process. This makes me think I’m pretty close to “maintenance” of my current weight with what I’m eating and how much I’m working out. I’ve actually been struggling to finish all my calories on some days and end up eating candy bars to top up. It seems that I’ve refined my regular meals to be low in calories yet still satisfying to a fault.

In any case, I’ve decided that rather than try to push my maintenance calories even higher through reverse dieting, I’m going to cut back to 1,700-1,800 and see if I can get some weight loss started again. As much as I want to continue reverse dieting before I cut back, I just can’t take the psychological strain of waiting another six weeks before I lose any more weight. It’s hard enough waiting 5-6 weeks between weigh-ins at my doctor.

I just don’t think I could take the blow of seeing my weight stay the same or- god forbid- go up. So I’m taking the small win of increasing my maintenance calories from 1,800 to 2,000 and will go back to normal dieting- with a twist. After a week at 1,700-1,800, I’ll go back up to 2,000 for a week. Supposedly this will help keep my metabolism up and make those low-calorie weeks really count. Having these “diet breaks” seems like a good idea psychologically, too. I don’t want to start feeling deprived- or hungry- and get off track. I’m aiming to figure this stuff out for the long term, and I’m doing my best not to rush the process.

Everlane T-Shirt Falls Apart!

December 26, 2019 by Kristin Purcell in Clothes

I only kept track of what clothes I wore on our recent trip for 5 of the 7-8 weeks we were away, but that’s still a good amount of data to look at. There are the obvious winners: my running shoes came in at 27 wears, and my fleece the same; my parka also came in at 27 wears as might be expected. But the biggest surprise for me was my pink cashmere sweater getting a total of 28 wears, many of them purely over my pajamas around the apartment (especially on days I didn’t get dressed to leave the apartment). The fluffy slipper socks that Matt gave me were also key to my convalescence, coming in at a solid 22 wears. Other strong leaders were my gym clothes, all proving essential over the 6-day workout week, and my scarf and hat which became utterly necessary as temperatures dropped. My boots and sneakers were both equally vital, and the same goes for all of my pants- excluding the black men’s dress pants. I only wore them twice, once to opening night, and I think that was mostly because I was saving them for that occasion (I didn’t want to have to wash them and possibly ruin them in doing so). My T-shirts were mostly all worn in rotation, though I found myself less keen on wearing the thicker, higher-necked ASOS ones.

And then there was the pink Everlane T-shirt failure. I was excited to have a new T-Shirt that wasn’t navy blue or black, and I wore it twice before it completely fell apart. And I mean that literally. The third time since buying it that I put the pink “Air Tee” on, the hem snagged, and, no joke, unravelled about four inches of hem completely. What really shocked me was that if I continued to pull at the thread, the entire hem would come completely undone. Now, I’m a sewing novice, but I do know that you never sew a hem with any kind of stitch that pulls out completely when snagged. That would be ridiculous, since the garment would have zero durability or longevity. But Everlane, with their “ethically sourced” labor, apparently never figured this out. I have cheap Old Navy T-shirts that have lasted me years at the gym, as pajamas, or otherwise. Never in my life have I had a hem unravel from one of them. Yet here is this $25 T-shirt from this much-hyped, sustainable, ethical company that lasted exactly two wears and is now actual garbage. How is that sustainable? And what well-paid garment worker would ever stitch a hem like that? Now, I was never impressed with the quality of the fabric. It didn’t feel like the 100% cotton the tag claimed, but more like a synthetic fiber. It wasn’t particularly soft, and just felt cheap. But with the reputation of the brand being one that sells “quality” items that last a long time, I was still sorely disappointed when the shirt disintegrated after only one washing. Phew.

Moving on, I definitely could have gotten away with three sweaters instead of four, and three pajama pants instead of four. And while my raincoat only made a handful of appearances, it was really nice to have it when it was pouring (my parka isn’t waterproof). I even layered it over my parka a couple of times when it was very cold.

I could have gone with two bras/bralettes instead of four for sure, and my green corduroy shirt only came in handy three times. But overall, I think my packing was shockingly successful. Oh, wait, the socks. I could have left those six pairs of skinny socks behind—as it got colder, I wore the thicker ones even with Adidas sneakers. But aside from that, yes, shockingly successful. With all that hauling around of my suitcase, I was quite sure that I had overpacked. But even the items that weren’t worn a lot still seemed necessary. There were even a few days when it was so cold in the apartment that I borrowed one of Matt’s hoodies to wear over my pink sweater. I guess I could have just layered on another sweater in a pinch, but the hoodie was oversized and comfortable and available.

So let’s see: if I hadn’t brought the ASOS T-shirts or the Everlane one, if I’d brought one fewer sweater, one fewer pair of pajama pants, two fewer bralettes, and no green corduroy shirt, would that have saved me some weight? A bit. But I wasn’t too far off. Nothing went unworn, except the Everlane T-shirt.

Wearing Sweaters and Loose Skin

November 20, 2019 by Kristin Purcell in Food, Mental Illness, Clothes

I’m finally wearing sweaters. Würzburg has cooled down quite a bit this week and I’ve worn 3 of my 4 sweaters already. The thicker pink cashmere one has come in really handy around the apartment with my pajamas, the grey one is making regular appearances at cafes, and the black non-cashmere one survived the trip here and just recently went over to our friend’s apartment. In terms of pants, I’ve worn each pair at least twice, so have yet to feel the need to put any in the wash. Right now I’m wearing my blue skinny jeans with my belt and it’s causing me some serious muffin-topping, so I may put them on the back burner again. I do tend to gravitate towards them though, especially for the walk home from the gym after a shower.

Before leaving for this trip, I switched to my smaller wedding ring which is a much more delicate band than the original (the original is actually a thicker men’s ring, since apparently plus size wedding rings have yet to hit the mainstream jewelry shops). But this thinner band is digging into my finger a bit, which keeps it from falling off, but makes me feel kind of chunky.

Speaking of muffin-topping and feeling chunky, I’ve been obsessing over the view of my inner thighs in the bright natural sunlight in our apartment. It’s got me worrying a lot about loose skin. If you’ve never lost a bunch of weight, you may be fully unaware of this concept, so let me enlighten you. When your skin has been stretched by weight gain, pregnancy, etc., it doesn’t always snap right back when you lose the weight. Magazines and weight-loss enthusiasts always fail to mention this potential side effect, but most people who lose significant amounts of weight in their adult years will suffer from this issue. I’ve been lucky in the past and only suffered from a jiggly belly when thin, but my weight had never reached its most recent heights. Now I’m afraid my legs are joining in the jiggle. But since the only solution is cosmetic surgery (which I have no interest in), I’m going to have to learn to accept it. Maybe all this waltzing around the ladies’ locker room completely nude will help me find that acceptance.

Now I am rather self-conscious waltzing my way to the gym in leggings. I rarely see people wearing leggings here, and I feel like people are staring when I do. Maybe it’s something about how skinny my legs are in comparison to my top half, or maybe not, but I do feel weird. It has dawned on me that people might think I’m pregnant, and if they see me lifting heavy weights at the gym, might be concerned for my health. But I feel like I get the most stares on the street. It doesn’t keep me from wearing them though, since I really have no choice- they’re all I brought to work out in.

I’m also self-conscious about my hair. My hair has been a bit of a disaster here due to the extremely calcium-rich water (we have to de-scale the kettle every couple of days). It just doesn’t curl like it’s supposed to, and I have to use a ton of conditioner. But aside from hair products, my toiletries have been holding up just fine. I’m pleased to report that micellar water is brilliant for removing sunblock, although now that I think of it, I haven’t been wearing my sunblock enough. The issue with it is that I try to use it like a moisturizer in the morning and it tingles and burns when I do. I’ve got a lead on an actual moisturizer with SPF so I’ll be sure to report back with my findings. The other issue with sunblock is that I get confused with walking to and from the gym since I often shower there. Do I put sunblock back on after I shower? And do I bring the micellar water with me? The answer to both these questions is obviously yes, but that has only just occurred to me.

My major concerns have been making sure I get my routine into place, and then taking pains to ensure that I don’t binge. It’s been just about a week since the dinkel-puff binge and my exercise is now truly consistent (our first week here I only walked around town for exercise on my cardio days and that didn’t feel quite right). So while there have been days where I could feel my routine slipping right through my fingers, I’ve managed to get back on track and power through. Today I overcame a great hurdle when I walked all the way to the gym and saw that both treadmills were occupied. Not satisfied with the walk there and back, I hiked it to the park and ran for ten minutes there.

In terms of getting out of the house, my nemesis seems to be the little bed in the spare room that calls to me after breakfast. It seems that if I heed that call, I tend to stay home all day and despair over how I’m not getting anything done. And while some days I’ve managed to rally and do something in the evening anyway, I still feel that that little bed is dangerous territory for me. So today I made sure to get dressed and ready right after breakfast even though it was almost time for Matt to get home. I think for now I have to ignore his schedule and just focus on my own, even if it means he spends his break out with me having coffee. I always want to spend as much time with Matt as possible, but I’m often conflicted about imposing my cafe time on his afternoon break. He always insists that the better I’m doing with my own stuff, the better he feels about everything. So in order to keep him happy, I have to make sure I put on my own oxygen mask first, so to speak. It definitely helps that he’s being really clear about his expectations (or lack thereof) for me. Sometimes I imagine he wants me to attend an event or do some shopping or dishes or whatever, when he’s really fine with whether I do it or not. So he lets me know regularly that I’m “off the hook,” but that I’m always invited. And the less pressure for me, the better.

I've Already Packed Wrong

November 04, 2019 by Kristin Purcell in Clothes, Minimalism

This is really no great surprise. I knew I was packing for a wide range of temperatures, having no idea what havoc climate change might wreak upon Germany during my visit. I packed based on the knowledge that it had already dropped to freezing temperatures this fall in the town we’re staying in. But I also packed based on the shocking, record-setting highs we experienced in Berlin in June earlier this year. Yet another factor in my planning was the knowledge that there would be no surprise washing machine in our apartment the way there was in Berlin (we’ve stayed in this place before and I could pretty much guarantee that there haven’t been any “improvements” since then). So I was sure I’d have to get through at least a week between washings. I packed knowing that I’d be exercising 6 days a week, as is strictly regimented for the sake of my mental health. And I packed knowing it had rained in this little town every day for the two weeks prior to our departure. This all resulted in a 50 pound suitcase plus backpack, and an unhappy time for all.

I first realized I had packed wrong during our journey to Germany. Wheeling my unwieldy suitcase through the Dublin airport on our stopover, outside in the rain for what seemed like a half-mile to the hotel shuttle bus stop, hauling it on and off said shuttle bus on the way to the hotel, hauling it on and off the shuttle bus yet again on our return to the airport, then up and down various stairs and escalators just to check the bag in again, I decided I had made some bad packing decisions. Upon arriving in Frankfurt, I realized again how wrongly I had packed, hauling my suitcase off the baggage claim, sweating and cursing my way to the adjacent train station, waiting with the bags by a garbage can while Matt sprinted to the grocery store to buy us some snacks for the train. We hauled our bags onto the train, praying that we had followed the map of the train cars correctly so we’d board near our seats and not have to make the walk of shame through car after car with our massive luggage. Upon our surprising success, we found room in the designated space for larger luggage and crammed ourselves and our backpacks into our seats. We enjoyed a sweaty yogurt and a Larabar before arriving at our destination where we dragged our bags down and then up the stairs of the train station and pushed them through more rain to the taxi stand. Once we reached the apartment, Matt carried the suitcases, one at a time, up the five flights of stairs to our apartment while I dealt with the backpacks and duffel bag.

Throughout this whole debacle, we kept questioning where we had gone wrong. Why was no one around us suffering the way we were? Why was nobody else sweating or struggling or even running for the train? Beyond that, why were my favorite bloggers recommending using a facial mist on the plane when I couldn’t even reach down to get a pen from my backpack without injuring several other passengers? Why are other bloggers harping on about the importance of drinking lots of water on planes in order to “stay hydrated”? I was trying not to drink anything because I avoid the airplane bathrooms like the plague, especially considering I might actually catch one from using them.

What is it that we’re not getting here? Do we pack too much? Do we stay away for too long? I kept thinking of those old movies where a woman goes on vacation to the Bahamas for 6 weeks and has porters loading trunks and hat boxes onto carts and wheeling them around while she is impeccably dressed in a skirt and heels, not a hair out of place. Is that the problem? Does traveling with more than a carry-on require servants? We couldn’t possibly be the only people with heavy bags, but we were certainly the only people schlepping them up and down escalators in search of food with the caloric content printed on it.

And now, having endured all that, the mild weather here has been an absolute affront. It’s alternately sunny and cool, then muggy and raining, leaving you somehow both sweating through your clothes yet always a little too chilly. I cannot figure out what to wear. Sweaters seem like too much, but my parka sounds like a good idea. I don’t want to drench the hems of my trousers in the rain, so I keep throwing on skinny jeans to run down to the shops. I’m spending most of my time in gym clothes or pajamas, but since I’m managing to wear them multiple times without washing them, the quantities seem wholly excessive. I keep reaching for the same lightweight socks, so as one would expect, my 18 pairs seem completely over the top.

It just goes to show that with climate change, you really can’t predict the weather these days. It also goes to show that despite my meticulous tracking and analysis of my wardrobe during my last trip, I still have no sense of what I wear and how much I wear it. In this case, I put it down to season. What I wore in June doesn’t really help me in October. And what was plenty of stuff when we had a washer may be too little without one. Matt did our laundry for the first time on Sunday, and between our dirtying of all the towels and going through so many workout T-shirts, it was no small feat. (It just dawned on me that if I’d really packed “correctly,” I’d be hauling my entire suitcase to the laundromat every week. Phew.)

Maybe it’s OK to just recognize how wrong I’ve been, and hope that I learn from this trip. Then again, we still have 7 weeks left, so who knows what I’ll need during that time? I know I’m more than prepared, but I do wish I didn’t have to carry all this luggage here and back. Since I don’t see a butler entering my life anytime in the near future, I guess I just have to put up with it this time.

Even More Packing

November 01, 2019 by Kristin Purcell in Clothes, Minimalism

Well, I’ve met my limit. My weight limit. For my suitcase. Let me start at the beginning.

I easily fit all my clothes for Germany into one half of my new suitcase, and only had to fit shoes and vitamins and a few bits and bobs into the other side. There was so much room left that Matt even piled in some of his clothes. But when we weighed it all with our little luggage scale, it was over 60 pounds. The limit for checked bags is 23 kilos (or 50 pounds), so this would not fly (get it?). And this is what kills me: Why do they make suitcases this big if you can’t fill them without going over weight?

Matt’s smaller suitcase was a measly 35 pounds, so we started the endless game of redistributing the heavy items to get them both under the limit. But there were still lots of things we hadn’t packed yet- two pounds of Larabars, for example. We always stock up on these for travel since we save so much money on airport/airplane/train station food. And then my modest amount of toiletries contributed to the heft, too- I guess two months worth of eczema cream and medicated shampoo really add up. Once all the last-minute things went in- our electric toothbrush and charger, Matt’s electric clippers, etc.- both bags were pushing 50 pounds.

And then Matt decided to bring our DSLR camera onto the plane instead of checking it, and he thought it would be wise to wrap it up in a big sweatshirt and put it in a duffel bag. So then, somehow, things started being added to the duffel bag- my purse, some sandwiches, my scarf, etc.- and we ended up with a whole carry on bag in addition to our suitcases and backpacks (our backpacks count as “personal items” that hold our laptops, my pills, important notebooks, some liquids).

It’s moments like these that make me rethink this whole idea that I’m a minimalist at all. I always say to myself that packing for two months should be no different than packing for a week- we’ll be doing laundry, after all. But somehow it never works out that way for me. I dream of fitting everything I need into a carry-on roller bag and a purse like I see the bloggers doing, but give me an inch and I apparently take 23 kilos.

Matt tried to start pulling out some of his clothes: “I don’t need two sweatshirts,” he said. But he wears one every day to rehearsal, so I insisted he bring them both. His clothes were clearly not the problem. I mean, how much could a sweatshirt really weigh? My vitamins weigh 3 pounds. Now there’s something I wish I could leave behind. But I’ve never seen vitamins for sale in Germany, and I couldn’t be sure that I could buy them there. Well, what about our shoes? Were they the problem? I don’t think so. Between the two of us there were just 3 pairs of sneakers and Matt’s dress shoes. I racked my brain, trying to come up with some way to cut back, but I just couldn’t. We legitimately needed everything we packed.

And it all makes me wonder why they never show this part of packing in all those “Pack With Me” Youtube videos and blogs. The rearranging of items, the consideration of weight limits. They always show you how to roll up your clothes and put them in little packing cubes, not a luggage scale in sight. But I’ve never had an issue with fitting things in- that seems pretty basic to me. I don’t require any instruction on how to cram things into my suitcase. It’s a strategic approach to the weight limit that I want to know about. With most European airlines weighing your carry-on as well as your checked bag, I really want to know exactly what people are doing. The only weight-related tip I can find is to wear your heaviest items on the plane to keep your suitcase a little lighter. I already do this- I’d never dream of trying to pack my boots or my belt when I can just wear them free of charge.

Are they just not showing the reality in those packing videos? Are they paying overweight fees at check-in? Are they squatting on the floor, pulling items out of their checked bag and wearing them instead? No one’s ever mentioned it. Every time I check my bag, I’m holding my breath that our scale was accurate enough and that we won’t end up on the airport floor, frantically rearranging our personal effects while trying not to get stepped on.

So what am I doing wrong? Do I just have maximalist tendencies when it comes to travel? I don’t know. I think one glaring difference between me and those minimalist packers is that I have to pack my pills. My backpack is full of them, leaving little room for anything else. And those 3 pounds of vitamins certainly don’t help anything. Then with Matt still battling a sinus infection, he has his own medicine cabinet’s worth of drugs to take with him (you can’t buy things like Sudafed or melatonin in Germany, so you have to plan ahead with the over-the-counter stuff, too).

After all was said and done, I still ended up with (including my plane outfit) 4 pairs of pants, 4 sweaters, 3 pairs of shoes, 2 coats, 3 pairs of leggings, a fleece, a button-down, a scarf, and all the requisite T-shirts, socks, bras, and underwear. Sure, I could have cut back, but with the weather being so drastically unpredictable, I couldn’t figure out how. And so I have a giant suitcase and a backpack to lug around, plus Matt has the duffel bag, too.

No matter how many times we take these two-month trips, I never seem to get the hang of packing. I can’t get it into my head that I always need less than I bring, that it’s no great tragedy if I run out of socks and have to buy a pair. I insist on being over-prepared and over-burdened. Maybe next time will be better- simpler, I think. But I think I’m just an over-packer. There, I said it. Renounce my minimalist membership right now.

Packing Panic

October 29, 2019 by Kristin Purcell in Clothes, Mental Illness, Minimalism

I’ve been laying low lately. Matt’s still sick and I haven’t been up to going out by myself. We’re still exercising daily, but I’ve lost several days otherwise to just staying in bed, panicking. Our departure for our next Germany trip is imminent, and I’m focused, of course, on packing.

My anxiety is probably more related to the upheaval of my routine, the stress of traveling, and the memory of my despair the last time we lived in this little town called Würzburg. That was almost exactly two years ago, and I’d had to return home almost a month early because of problems with my medication- specifically, that it had stopped working. I was taking Adderall and had had great improvement overall, but at that time it had been several months on the stuff. And as one would experience with any amphetamine, I developed a tolerance to it and was getting diminishing returns. I started bingeing and couldn’t stop, and Matt had to come home from long days at work to me sobbing and feeling suicidal.

But now, as is so common for me, my anxiety is manifesting as concern about clothes. I’m often lying in bed with Matt, going over and over various packing plans. We’ve managed to hem all our pants that needed hemming- well, Matt really did it all- but I did manage to make a decision about just how long my new black dress pants should be. It had me seized up for some time: Do I hem them to the right length to wear with boots? With sneakers? Heels? We eventually settled on a length that worked for both boots and sneakers, and I’m actually surprised at how great they look with my white Adidas sneakers. I feel very Scandi-chic. So my men’s pants are all set- I’ll pack these black ones and my grey ones.

But I want to bring a pair of jeans, too, and that’s become an issue. After wearing my newly-doctored jeans with the “button extender,” I decided it was just ridiculous to walk around with my top button unbuttoned and stashed them away in my storage bin. Then I went back to the most-recently-purchased-on-Ebay jeans: the ones marked 40 but that have a 38 inch waist. I’ve decided they look like clown pants, so they’re not coming to Europe either. So much for my Ebay denim finds. This leaves me with only two more options: my black skinny jeans, which are pretty baggy and therefore not necessarily offensive to my sensibilities, and my blue skinny jeans which I had resolutely decided against wearing in the recent past. I felt rather strongly that they were somehow objectifying and ruled them out of my wardrobe. But I left them in my closet, and they’ve started to look more and more like a decent option. I hemmed and hawed over it for days, and finally decided that I was in a desperate-enough situation to wear them. So I’ll wear the black ones on the plane, and pack the blue pair as my fourth option for pants. I rationalized this by saying how it would probably rain a lot and I wouldn’t want my men’s pants’ hems to get wet, so skinny jeans would be a practical choice. This also spared me from any panicky shopping and spending $60 on jeans that might only fit for a couple of months. So pants are finally settled.

T-shirts are pretty easy- I’ll bring all 9, knowing we won’t have a washer and I’ll have to get through at least a week between laundry days. Also, they’re small and light, so no great burden to my suitcase. Underwear are the same case- bring all 12 since they’re small and light, plus we’ll be going to the gym so I’ll need some spares. For some reason I still find it necessary to travel with 18 pairs of socks: 6 for working out, 6 for boots, and 6 for sneakers (my new thinner crew socks are designated for sneakers in colder weather). Again, they’re small and light, so I can justify it. I know I’ll bring both my coats- the parka and the raincoat, wearing the parka on the plane so I can squish it into its little bag and use it as a pillow when I inevitably get too hot. I’ve already decided not to bring any heels for opening night- I’ll just wear my boots, figuring no one will notice anyway. My black silky blouse with my black pants should dress them up enough.

But now the real dilemma: layers. Since I’ll have both coats, I feel pretty covered (get it?) weather-wise. But if it gets really cold, I’ll need to think about sweaters and whatnot. I think I’ll bring my green shirt- it can go over sweaters or be worn as a light jacket on its own. But I’ve been in a fit of anxiety trying to decide on sweaters. I only own 7, and one is strictly for summer, so you think it’d be easy. But it’s hard to not just pack your whole capsule wardrobe- when you have so little, every item seems essential. But I have to narrow it down.

My super-thick grey zip-up cardigan is really bulky, but seems absolutely necessary. My grey and black cashmere pullovers are a no-brainer; they’re both lightweight and super warm. Part of me wants to just bring those two. But I keep thinking it’ll get freezing cold and I’ll be left with not enough warm clothes. I also worry about my two favorite sweaters getting worn out, since I’ll most likely need a sweater every day. So I’m thinking maybe my thicker pink cashmere pullover would be good too, even if just to wear around the apartment, or to add a little color to my wardrobe. I also own a thinner, black, non-cashmere sweater and a really light grey cardigan with pointelle holes in the sleeves. I’ve been over and over it in my mind, thinking of what could be worn on the plane and what might be necessary in unpredictable weather. We were really thrown on our last trip to Berlin by scorching temperatures and high humidity when the summers are supposed to be mild there. This time around, Matt heard from a colleague that it’s already hit zero degrees Celsius (freezing), so I need to be prepared for winter temperatures.

After a ridiculous amount of contemplation and discussion with Matt, going through every possible combination, I hit upon a novel idea: I wouldn’t bring the warmest or the lightest options. I’d bring all 3 cashmere options, the pink one being quite thick, and then wear the thinner black non-cashmere sweater on the plane. I usually get really hot when traveling, so it seems like a good lightweight layer for both airports and mild weather.

All of these clothes fit into one half of my suitcase except for shoes- my Adidas and my running shoes. I’ll wear my belt and scarf on the plane with one of my T-shirts, the black jeans, and my boots. Now I just have to figure out everything else.

Bra Do-Over, Jeans, and Everlane Order

October 28, 2019 by Kristin Purcell in Clothes

Okay, I realize this is pretty ridiculous, but I went back to Kohl’s and exchanged the bra I bought. Luckily I had snapped a photo of it with tags on, so I retagged it with my little tagging gun and it was as good as new. I exchanged it for a 40C in instead of the too-tight 38D, so up a band size and down a cup size. This does support (get it?) my theory that the two sizes are virtually identical, but in this case the right size became abundantly clear.

According to the experts, you’re supposed to start out wearing bras on the loosest hook, and then as they get stretched out over time, you progress to the middle hook and then the tightest. But I was wearing the 38D on the loosest hook yesterday and it still felt too tight, so rather than wait for it to loosen up over time, I decided to trade it in for the bigger band. In going up to a 40 band, the cup of the D became too big, so I went down to a C instead. Now, if anyone was paying attention to the last blog (and I honestly don’t blame you if you weren’t), you’ll remember that this is the exact size I was wearing to begin with. Like, the bras that were way too big. So, despite this being the same brand (Vanity Fair) and a very similar “Beauty Back” style, the soft-cup style fits where the foam-cup was huge. On my first round at Kohl’s, it never occurred to me to try on the same size I was already wearing. Call me crazy, but I assumed I had changed sizes. I apparently had not.

Rather similarly, I’ve been going through some rethinking when it comes to jeans. My latest pair, bought on Ebay, measure 38 inches in the waist even though the tag says they’re a 40 waist. The inseam was 30 on the tag but measures 27 inches, so I figured this discrepancy wasn’t a problem and they would fit great. But I’ve worn them a couple of times now and they just don’t look right. For some reason, despite fitting in the waist, they look huge. Even my old 38s (which measured 40 inches in the waist) looked better. Frustrated with the numbers, I pulled out the 36s that also measure 36 inches in the waist. They fit me perfectly- until I try to button the very top button. So I can either walk around with a significant muffin top (and trouble breathing), or I can just not button the top button. I decided to go with that: just don’t button the top button.

My husband and I designed and engineered a “button extender” composed of some flat elastic and a button. The button goes in the button hole, and the elastic goes around the jeans’ button. It looks a bit weird if you see it, but if I wear a belt or leave my shirt untucked, no one would ever be the wiser. I fantasize that one day I will wake up and the button will, well, button. But my weight loss has stalled and I don’t see it happening anytime soon. So I guess it’s good enough for now.

In other “news,” and I use the term lightly, I got my Everlane order in the mail. I got the Air Oversized Crew Tee in faded pink in an XL and the Japanese Oxford Square Shirt in white in an 8, a 10, and a 12. The 10 was the best fit (even though I’m more like a 14), but then I got really confused when I imagined wearing it with the rest of my wardrobe. Layering it with sweaters seemed impossible, and even jackets seemed tricky. The cut is just so wide that it’s hard to fit it under anything- even though that cut is exactly why I love the shirt so much. I soon realized that while it could be worn over a T-shirt or on its own, even putting on a coat would prove difficult. Sadly, I decided this was just too impractical for my current minimal wardrobe and I returned all 3 sizes. It’s really a shame, since the fabric was thick and substantial, plus the details were great- it had really cool long cuffs and was cropped just right.

The T-shirt, on the other hand, looked just fine. Oversized, as it was meant to be, and a color that’s not black or navy- thank goodness for that. I washed it before wearing it, but then after I wore it for a day, I decided the material just felt cheap. It brought me back to the last time I tried an Everlane T-shirt: I’d purchased the Cotton Box Cut Pocket Tee and rejected it because it just felt shitty. As in, my Old Navy and LOFT cotton tees felt way nicer, and my J. Crew T-shirts were light years better. I decided to keep this Air Tee since it was basically free (it was $25 and I had a $28 credit, so after the $6 restocking fee for the other shirts, it only set me back $3), but now I’m regretting it still. The color sort of gives it some points, but honestly, the fabric is so sleazy and artificial-feeling (despite its 100% cotton tag), I don’t know if I’ll even reach for it. Now, I understand the Air Tees are supposed to be thin, the way J. Crew’s Tissue Tees are. But Tissue Tees are incredibly soft, and the Air Tee is not. It feels like something you might find in a bin at a fast fashion store for $3, so I guess I got what I paid for. The quality of the Japanese Oxford Square Shirt was so good that I really can’t resolve this in my mind. But damn it, this T-shirt. I really, really don’t recommend it. If you’re as excited about Everlane as everyone else on the internet is, by all means spare yourself the agony and skip the T-shirts.

Fugue State Bra Shopping

October 24, 2019 by Kristin Purcell in Clothes

Preparations for our upcoming trip to Germany are progressing slowly as we’re still coping with the worst cold in recent history. I did overcome one major hurdle the other night: bra shopping. Notorious for being the least desirable form of shopping (perhaps trumped only by sports-bra shopping), I was somewhat wary. I do have a brand and style of bra to which I am faithful at a higher weight, so I made a beeline through the Kohl’s underwear department straight to the Vanity Fair “Beauty Back” racks. This is the style of bra I’ve been wearing that is getting way too big. I like the wide straps, set closer together than in smaller bras, and the wide band that covers your armpit fat. The size range is strictly for “full figured” women, so when I was at a lower weight I switched over to Maidenform. But these Vanity Fair ones have been my go-to for years now, and often wished they came in smaller sizes. There’s just nothing like a 3-hook band to make you feel secure. Luckily I still fit into the full-figured range right now, so I had exact sizes in mind to try in this favorite style. My current bras are size 40C, but the foam cups are half-empty. So I went in looking for a 38C or- in the rare case they had one- a 40B. It’s a little-understood fact that these two sizes are almost identical. This is due to the fact that cup sizes increase as the band sizes increase, regardless of how they’re labeled. So I fully expected one of these two sizes to be just the right fit. I was wrong. Neither one felt quite right: the 38C was too tight in the band and the 40B too small in the cup. So much for my little-understood facts.

I decided to branch out and try some other styles: the foam-cup, wireless Beauty Backs; the soft-cup, underwire Beauty Backs; and then some non-Beauty Backs also from Vanity Fair. I should have known that wireless is not an option for me- they always look worse on me than not wearing a bra at all. The other styles were less than thrilling. But the soft-cup Beauty Back showed promise. Labeled as a “minimizer,” the 38C gave me “double boob” so that was a no-go. But then I did something kind of counter-intuitive for me, having never been more than a C cup in my life: I tried the 38D. It worked. It felt just great in comparison to everything else. I love that I don’t have to mess around with packing foam-cup bras for the trip, and I love that it’s less bulky to wear- and indeed easier to wash. I chose a soft pink color as opposed to black or “nude” since my skin is rather pink anyway.

At this point I was relieved, though rather sweaty, so I headed to the underwear. I needed 3 pairs of underwear to bring me up to a total of 12 pairs in all, since for some reason, 9 is just not enough lately. My chosen brand is Warner’s, and the style is called the “No Muffin-Top” hipster. The ones I already own are cotton with a lace band, but those were nowhere to be found among the masses of No Muffin-Top options. I found my size (2XL or 9) in the hipster style, some silky with a lace band and some in microfiber with no lace. I searched about 20 racks’ worth (randomly arranged) before realizing there were a bunch of them on one of those tiered tables for display. I found the colors and patterns abhorrent, so I finally went with one black silky pair, one black microfiber, and one grey microfiber. I always buy these in threes, since they’re always on sale “3 for $30,” or in a 3-pack at TJ’s if you’re lucky. Sweating even more profusely, I tracked Matt down and checked out. Success. Next stop: TJ Maxx for some socks.

I found some nice Cuddle Duds socks right off the bat, but couldn’t find any more. I eventually settled on a 3-pack from Tahari that was pretty similar, so I went with those. I had decided I needed some thin crew socks to wear with my Adidas sneakers in the cold, since my boot socks are too bulky and my ankle socks too chilly. I went with my usual black, white, and grey in various forms, some solid, some striped, and some textured. So I’m up six pairs in socks.

The next day, Matt put on his winter hat and I commented on how nice it looked. He pointed out that he had been wearing it the night before, but I hadn’t noticed since I was in some sort of “fugue state” in the bra department. I explained that looking for bras on a timeline takes great focus and persistence, that it requires both rational logic and wild experimentation. The calculus of figuring out what will fit is something I can’t even begin to explain to him, so we left it at that. I’d already tried to explain why I only needed one bra- that it was like a pair of jeans that can be worn multiple times before needing to be washed. I finally just concluded that I’m kind of disgusting and so I wear the same bra every day.

I’m wearing the new bra as I write this, and am suddenly racked with second thoughts. The band feels way too tight. I may need to make a return trip to Kohl’s.

Weigh-In Woes

October 21, 2019 by Kristin Purcell in Clothes, Food, Mental Illness

We have Ebay success. I know you were waiting with bated breath. The men’s 501 Levi’s fit in the waist, although they do look a bit weird from the back. In any case, they fit. And the black dress pants from GEORGE are also a winner. I love how they look, and the fabric is exactly what I’d hoped for- definitely a suiting material but not too thin. I just have to hem them, and I’m good to go for Germany, pants-wise anyway.

Another major task in preparation for Germany is placing our Amazon.de order. The last time we stayed in this apartment, we planned ahead and ordered a blanket, pillows, an electric kettle, and a set of metal bowls with lids and a bonus metal colander, all to be delivered to the opera house and picked up when we got there. This time we’re ordering a bigger blanket, the same kettle and set of bowls, and some packaged foods that I think will help me stay on track. I found my “zero noodles” on the German site, along with those pouches of Indian food that don’t need to be refrigerated- you just nuke them for 2 minutes. Because the thing is, in addition to German supermarkets not carrying some of my staple foods, this apartment has no stove. There’s a microwave, a disgusting kettle, and a disgusting toaster oven. Hence the purchase of our own kettle, with which we can make veggies, pasta, couscous, etc. I don’t know if we need a toaster since the bread is so fresh there- last time we didn’t. Our Amazon pillows, however, were disappointing and the ones in the apartment are ridiculous. There’s no other way to describe how useless they are. We call them “joke pillows” - no matter where you put your head, the filling moves around and your head is flat on the mattress. There are so many great things about Germany- the superior windows and construction in general, the cobblestone walking villages, the coffee, the bread. But for some reason, they just can’t do pillows right. I have yet to find a German pillow I like. So we’re going to hit TK Maxx (yup, just like TJ Maxx) and see what they have in person.

But I digress. I’m especially glad my Ebay pants have worked out because I went to the doctor the other day and got weighed in. I found out that I’ve lost a total of .8 pounds. Not 8 pounds- no, no- point 8 pounds. In 5 weeks. Last time I was 176.8 pounds and this time I was 176 pounds. This is after a week of eating 1,400-1,500 calories a day because I was sick and had less of an appetite. I can’t tell you how disappointed I am. But I really am grateful that I took the bull by the horns and got some pants that fit me well now. Because fitting into my smaller clothes seems further away than ever.

I keep going over that weigh-in in my head. My doctor changed offices, so the scale was in a different spot on the floor. I drank my iced coffee later than usual and so I didn’t get to pee it all out. I didn’t exercise last week- could it be that? Has my metabolism slowed down from eating less? Please, dear lord, let there be some reason for this outrageous result. Because if it wasn’t a fluke, it throws everything into question.

If I keep doing what I’m doing, will I suddenly start losing weight again? Or do I need to change what I’m doing in order to lose more weight? I know my main focus for my diet and exercise regime is to keep my mental health in check. But let’s be real; if I’m working this hard, I want to lose more weight. Is this as far as my current regime will get me? Or do I have to work out more? Do I have to try “reverse dieting” so I can eat more and rev up my metabolism? Or is this just the place where my body wants to be? The most burning question of all is, can I keep doing what I’m doing without the incentive of weight loss?

All of these questions in combination with the not exercising/eating less during my cold has me in a tailspin. First of all, while I was sick, I didn’t try to eat less, at least not at first. I just wasn’t hungry. But then, I reasoned that since I wasn’t exercising, it made sense to eat a little less. Then I started restricting myself to 1400-1500 calories a day, to account for the calories I wasn’t burning at the gym. I imagined that I might lose a little muscle, but that that would quickly be remedied when I started exercising again. Looking back, I now see this self-imposed restriction as disordered eating. I enjoyed the fact that I didn’t need as much food, and I pushed it beyond what felt natural. That’s not a healthy thing for me to do, especially with my history of dieting and binge eating. So now I’m making sure I get my full 1,800 calories, and even allowing myself to go up to 2,000 if I need to in order to feel comfortable. And I need to make sure I don’t get trapped in the idea that I’ve “saved up” this calorie deficit and am allowed to add it all up and binge on those calories. Because that’s just more disordered thinking.

But I really, really want to binge right now. Much like the trying-on-too-small-clothes incident, this weigh-in has me fantasizing about donuts and various baked goods. Between the weigh-in, the restricting last week, and the stress about the limited food options during our Germany trip, I’m an absolute mess.

So last night, I sat down with Matt (I needed a witness), and planned out my food for today. I thought it would be a relief to just know what I was going to eat and not have to think about it. Instead, I feel more restricted than ever. I mean, there’s no cinnamon-raisin toast in my diet today. What if I want cinnamon-raisin toast? Do I ignore that and stick to the plan? Or do I get to make substitutions?

And what about my workouts? Should I switch over to just weightlifting every day instead of every other day? Apparently that makes you lose more fat over time than doing cardio. And what about getting a gym membership in Germany? We still haven’t heard back about getting a short-term membership. I don’t know what I’ll do if I can’t lift weights, now that I know that cardio is a dead end. Or maybe cardio will be enough for the 8 weeks that we’re there. Or maybe I could do HIIT- high intensity interval training.

This thinking is madness. I need to get myself sorted before this trip. I’m just so worried that I’ll come home and weigh in at the same weight or, god forbid, even more. I don’t know if I can continue to be this restricted if I don’t get to lose weight. I just don’t know. And I need to stay on my plan. My mental health depends on it.

More Ebay Finds, Less Leaving the House

October 13, 2019 by Kristin Purcell in Clothes, Mental Illness

Well, I’ve done it again. I placed another Ebay order. This time, I checked the measurements carefully and found a pair of jeans that not only measure 38 inches in the waist, they also have a ridiculously short inseam of 27 inches which is perfect for me. They should give me that quintessential “break” over the top of my boots when worn low on my hips the way I like. They should also work well with my sneakers and not cause any treading on the backs of the hems. The tag on them says they’re a 40 waist, but good Ebay sellers always give the true measurements of jeans to make it easier to find the right fit. In addition to these latest Levi’s 501 men’s jeans, I ordered a pair of pants. I went for the same brand as my grey men’s pants, GEORGE, but in a slightly different style. They’re still a 38 waist, but have a slightly longer inseam of 32 inches (I’ll have to hem them a bit). I even checked the leg opening measurement to make sure they were a similar fit. They’re black and look more like true suit pants than my grey ones. They have that inner clasp and inside button instead of a simple outer button closure. And the material looks shinier and more slippery than a basic chino fabric. Oh, and they’re new with tags! Gotta love Ebay. If all goes well, I’ll be back up to 3 pairs of pants: my grey GEORGE ones, these black ones, and these new 38-waist jeans. This means I don’t have to rely on my black skinny jeans as my third pair of pants on our upcoming trip to Germany, or as my “formal wear” pants. I can wear the black dress pants with my silky black blouse and heels to Matt’s opening night.

In my last blog, I was toying with the idea of adding some lighter color to my wardrobe, and had my eye on some Everlane items. I ended up taking the plunge and placing an order, making sure I can return it all for free if I need to (shipping was free, too). I ordered the Air Oversized Crew Tee in XL in faded pink, hoping it works out better than the Cotton Box-Cut Pocket Tee I rejected in the past. And then I really went rogue: I ordered the Japanese Oxford Square Shirt in 3 sizes so I can try to figure out what fits. I ended up going with the white one since they had more sizes in stock. I got an 8, a 10, and a 12, taking the advice from the reviews and sizing down. It could be a total wash, but those darned promotional credits ($25) really draw you in.

In other news, I didn’t leave the house for 7 days. But not for any mental health reasons; this time I just got an awful cold and was in bed all day. The first 5 days weren’t bad- I was so sick that I could barely stand up so it never even occurred to me to go anywhere or do anything. I’d been having a hard time sleeping, too, so I was too tired to even make it out to the couch. And then, of course, Matt got sick and joined me in my misery. We both went to the doctor today and finally got some antibiotics, so we should be on the mend now. But the hardest thing about it for me was not exercising. I know, who am I? I hate exercise. I dread it every morning when I wake up. I live for that one rest day on Saturday when I don’t have to drag myself through it. But taking a full 7 days off was really difficult psychologically. We’ve been exercising 6 days a week religiously ever since January 2nd of this year. Sometimes it takes me all day to make my way onto the treadmill, but I consider it a non-negotiable requirement. I allow myself no excuses, unless it’s a simple shifting around of our rest day. But even that feels risky. We exercised throughout our Berlin trip, through medication changes, through dental surgery and menstrual cramps. So when I realized exercise was simply not an option being so sick, I decided that I was allowed exactly one week off. It sounded precise and reasonable. One week off a year sounds like something even the healthiest people do. But today, day 8 of my illness, we returned to our schedule as though we’d never left it. We went to the gym, cranked out back day, and went to our respective doctor’s appointments. And it wasn’t terrible. If anything, it was a relief to be back to normal. It’s good to get out of the house.

Why Are My Clothes So Boring?

October 08, 2019 by Kristin Purcell in Clothes, Capsule Wardrobe, Minimalism

It’s not lost on me that my clothes are pretty boring. For a blog called Mood and Clothes, you’d think I’d have more OOTDs or fashion spreads. But if you hadn’t guessed by now, my real passion lies in the simplifying of my wardrobe and the refinement of my personal style.

My favorite blog ever has to be the now-defunct Dead Fleurette. She sought the “perfect” wardrobe, owned a shockingly small collection of pieces, and wrote of her deep consideration over what to buy and what to get rid of. I pored over her every word, every list of clothing items, every collage of possible purchases. I can only find a few archived blogs of hers online now, but Dead Fleurette is truly the inspiration for my own writing about clothes. So in that spirit, I’ve come up with a whole list of reasons for exactly why my clothes are what they are.

1. Minimalism. The fact of the matter is that I love having less. Fewer options mean fewer choices, which means less decision fatigue and less waste. I’d rather have a small, curated collection of items that I actually use than a vast array of things that get little use or attention. I love the efficiency of minimalism, the process of deliberating over choices, and the clarity and beauty of simple things.

2. I’m very picky. I have extremely specific preferences when it comes to clothes. I know what works for me and what doesn’t. I know that I don’t like dresses, blazers, ruffles, or V-necks. I know that I like neutral or muted, subdued colors. I know how I like a T-shirt to fit: wide and open at the neckline, slightly fitted through the bust, and boxy and relaxed through the body. I know these things from years of trial and error. I know I don’t like dresses because I’ve owned probably a hundred in my life and not one has made me feel good. I know I don’t like blazers the way I know I don’t like fuchsia. For whatever reason, on my body, it just never feels right. And after many years of trying, I’ve finally given myself permission to admit it.

3. Uniform Dressing. I don’t like spending a lot of time getting dressed. While I may love shopping and deliberating over cuts and colors, when I wake up and put clothes on, I want it to be simple. I want all my options to be good ones so I don’t have to think too much in the moment about what to wear. This means I tend to gravitate toward uniform dressing, I.e. wearing basically the same thing every day. The formula right now is: men’s pants+boots+T-shirt+sweater or else men’s jeans+sneakers+T-shirt+sweater.

4. No impulse shopping. I no longer buy things on a whim. I used to shop randomly, picking up anything that I simply “liked,” regardless of how it would fit (or not fit) into my wardrobe. I always ended up with a bunch of cocktail dresses, a wool cape, a headband, and a frilly top that made me look like a giant baby. And oh, yeah. Those 2 T-shirts that I actually wear. So now I know what I’m looking for and I stay focused. I’m realistic about what I’ll actually wear and only buy those things. This does mean, however, that I don’t have a colorful closet full of all those fun things I never wear.

5. They don’t have good colors. I always value fit over color. Choosing an item of clothing based on what color it is seems arbitrary and bizarre in my mind. So when I find the perfect fit, the right drape, the best material and construction and style, that’s always what I go for. But the color options are not always great. I like black, navy, and grey (that is apparent from a glance at my wardrobe). But I’m often limited to those colors not by my own choosing, but by the utter lack of acceptable alternatives. I love white, light blue, blush, camel, deep green, and even eggplant. Yet somehow the options are usually yellow, orange, neon pink, or tomato red. There might be a garish teal or chartreuse in the mix, but I just can’t stomach it. (And did you ever notice that those colors are always the ones on sale because they know the good colors are the neutrals? Why don’t they just make more neutrals?)

Conclusion: I don’t mean to be so boring. I really don’t. Just because I’m a minimalist doesn’t mean I don’t like color- I do. The good ones are just hard to find. I’d love to have a wardrobe more like that of A Small Wardrobe. She’s created a 34-item wardrobe that is full of lovely subdued colors: muted gold, mauve, pale pink, oatmeal, white, light blue, stone, deep red, eggplant, jade green, and yes, black, grey, and navy. Why can’t I do the same? Am I not investing enough time? Enough money? Probably both.

Here are a few items I’m obsessing over at the moment, in subtle colors, but colors all the same:

These two T-shirts are from Everlane, and I thought the pale pink hue might add some color I can get on board with. (FYI Everlane, a brand known for its ethical and sustainable practices, now has some slightly larger sizes.) The first one is the Air Oversized Crew Tee and the second one’s the Cotton Box-Cut Pocket Tee. The funny thing is, I apparently once ordered the Pocket Tee (right) in grey and hated it so I sold it on Ebay. So I guess that one’s out. I can’t remember what was so bad about it, but I know the purchase was the result of receiving a $25 promotional credit. I’ve been notified that I have another $25 credit there for “referring a friend” so I could potentially try the Air Tee for free.

This shirt is also from Everlane and is called the Japanese Oxford Square Shirt. They have a blue and white stripe, a light blue, and a bright white. I’m obsessed with the cut of this but am afraid it will be too long and look like a maternity top. The sizing is also a nightmare to try and figure out- some of the reviews say to size down by 2 sizes and some say it’s true to size. I also have no idea what size I am in general, and then I don’t know for how long it would still fit me if I lose weight. It’s also a little pricey at $68, so I’m finding it hard to commit.

And then there’s this white Short Sleeve Swing Tee from Vince that’s on sale for $30. I know the quality would be good- I’ve always had good luck reselling Vince T-shirts on Ebay, so they definitely have longevity. I also love my Vince sweaters. Tempting.

I'm Afraid I've Made a Terrible Mistake

October 05, 2019 by Kristin Purcell in Food, Clothes

Here’s a tip: Don’t try on clothes that you know full well are too small for you. It makes you feel bad about yourself and it makes you want to eat. I made this mistake yesterday, supposedly in preparation for our upcoming trip to Germany. I pulled out the infamous bin of storage clothes that has been whittled down to only clothes that fit me when I am 160 lbs. or less. Right now, I am 176.8 lbs (as of my last weigh-in). Somehow I ignored this not-so-little discrepancy and just hoped for the best. I was looking specifically for two things: some black joggers (2 pairs) and a bunch of sweaters.

The first things I pulled out were the joggers, fully expecting them to fit (they have an elastic waist, after all). But they were too tight to breathe in, never mind sit down in. This was a bit of a blow: I was kind of counting on them as fall/winter pants since my linen ones will not be warm enough as it gets colder. Then, randomly, I tried on a bra. I’ve started wearing real bras lately, but the ones I have are pretty big on me. They’re comfortable and everything, but there’s some pretty significant empty space happening. So I tried on one of the smaller bras, and it resulted in the double-boob effect we all know and loathe, so those went back into the box.

I tried to stay focused: I’m looking at sweaters. I started with a light-grey, pointelle-sleeve, open cardigan and it actually worked well. I knew there were things in there that I could pull off. Then there was a camel J. Crew cardigan. This gave me sort of a hunchback look, so that was a no-go. I shook it off. There was a black, boxy, supersoft pullover that fit really well, and a blush, boxy, cotton pullover that looked pretty good and could inject some much-needed lighter color into my wardrobe. So I brought those two out with the grey cardigan, but was put off by the smell. Somehow they’d started smelling like thrift store in a subtle way. So I’m currently washing them one-by-one and flat-drying them so I can add them to my capsule.

Then things got a little weird: I put on my beloved asymmetric blouson-style Vince cashmere sweater, but it looked funny with my baggy jeans. So I put on my black skinny jeans, and we were right back to the negative self-talk that inevitably starts every time I wear skinny jeans. Like how I look like a tomato on a stick and whatnot. But since I’m kind of desperate for pants right now, I blamed it on the sweater and put it away. I revisited the pink cashmere sweater from the other day and rejected it again. It’s not really too small, I think I just don’t like the neckline, so it may be destined for the discard pile. And lastly, I revisited the grey structured zip-up that fits but doesn’t work with the silhouette of my baggy men’s pants and belt. That one’s on the back-burner for future consideration as my pants situation solidifies.

And speaking of pants, I also happened to get both of my Ebay purchases in the mail yesterday. The jeans were not a success. They were tight. Like, really tight. Like when I buttoned them all the way up, my flesh spilled over the top, threatening to burst the seams. Now the jeans I’ve been wearing are a size 38 and are way too big, so how could these size 36s be so small? I measured the waist: 36 inches. Blerg. This means my current size 38s are much bigger than the tag says. I measured them: 40 inches. Apparently I should have done some measuring before I placed my order. I thought men were exempt from these random sizing discrepancies since they go by actual measurements instead of arbitrary numbers. I guess I was naive to think so. I tried on the grey, size 38, GEORGE pants and they’re perfect. They are literally identical to the size 40 ones I’ve been wearing; they just fit better. And when I measured them, they came up true to size: 38 inches. I guess I’m truly a 38.

I threw both new purchases into a warm wash and a low tumble-dry, taking them out before the jeans got too dried out. They were actually a little damp, so I put them on and thought maybe I would be able to stretch them out a bit. I squatted, I bent over, I curled into a ball on the bed. I lay like that for a while, watching YouTube, wiggling around. Then I ate lunch and really couldn’t take it anymore, so I took them off. I folded them and put them into the storage bin.

I suddenly felt ravenous. I ate a single-serving packet of Lorna Doones. I had two Coke Zeroes. I took a Klonopin. I lied down and said some affirmations: I am a worthy human being. The clothes may not fit, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with my body. My body is perfect as it is. I am a worthy human being. I put the storage bin back in the closet and called it a day.

And this is why this was a bad idea: I spent half my day making myself feel bad and then trying to recover from it. And all I have to show for it is a couple of sweaters and some pants. Now I know I needed that stuff, but why is it so hard to be honest with myself about my body? What’s so bad about where I am? Was this project purely about practicality and thrift? I don’t think so. I think I’m looking for validation, for reward for how far I’ve come. And the obvious source of that reward is fitting into my old clothes. Because it’s not just about the clothes; it’s about what they represent. I imagine that by wearing them, I’ll have the qualities I had when I wore them before- I’ll be energetic, enthusiastic, and profiting financially. But that’s not how it works. That’s a fantasy. I am where I am with my life. I’m making real progress, however slow and steady it may be. I just have to be patient and keep doing what I’m doing.

Gym and Pajama Capsule Updates, Accessories, and Packing Plans

September 30, 2019 by Kristin Purcell in Clothes, Capsule Wardrobe, Minimalism

It’s been a while since I laid out what I have for gym clothes, pajamas, and accessories, and since I’m starting to plan my packing for Germany again, I thought I’d take a look. Here’s my 19-item gym capsule:

Okay. So, the top row is my cold weather running outfit: Under Armour base layer top and leggings, water-resistant hoodie, and RBX top layer joggers. Everything’s lined in fleece and works in really cold conditions. I don’t know if I’ll really need this full outfit for Germany since it tends to be milder there, and we’re back home by the beginning of December. But the hoodie and top are good layering pieces and the leggings and joggers are good on their own. Next are my sports bras and T-shirts: I’ll bring 3 bras for alternate running days, and all the T-shirts since I plan on working out 6 days a week. I’ll be doing the pajama top/gym top mash-up where I wear one shirt to bed and then work out in it the next day- there are 4 of each, so 8 total. Then we have my other leggings and pants: The first pair are definitely good for fall weather since they are really long and cover my ankles. The next pair are too cropped, the Under Armour ones are too thin, and the sweatpants are really only for layering in winter. I don’t think I’ll need anything more than 3 pairs: the cold-weather leggings and joggers and the long navy leggings (I tend to re-wear leggings 2 days in a row since I don’t sweat much on alternate weight-lifting days). And then there’s my fleece which is too bulky to pack, so I’ll just stick with the hoodie instead. The 3/4 sleeve sweatshirt is pretty useless and I’m not sure why I own it. And then, the absolute necessity, my running shoes.

Next up, gym accessories: I don’t think I’ll need the top-layer mittens, but I’ll probably need the rest.

And now onto pajamas- 20 pieces in all:

First off, there are my 4 pajama tops- those will be added to the 4 gym tees and worn for both sleep and working out. The tank tops and shorts can stay home, as well as the slippers. I have 2 sleep hoodies; I might bring the black one since it can be chilly in the apartment in Germany. And I think the grey striped pants and the two navy joggers will be sufficient for bottoms, so I’ll leave the pink pants and the taupe wide-leg pants behind.

And the last category I want to address is accessories. I don’t think anything has changed since I last posted about these, but here’s a recap and my thoughts on what to pack.

First we have scarves and winter accessories:

I think the blush Calvin Klein logo scarf (top left) will be the only one I bring on the trip, although I am toying with the idea of bringing a fancy one for opening night. For hats, I think I’ll just go with the pupley-grey wool one (bottom right).

I’ll be bringing the one men’s black belt (top left) and I’m kind of wondering if I will ever wear the other two. Maybe I’d better wait to see what pants I’m wearing before I remove those options. For handbags, the standard navy purse and my backpack will both be packed (and probably brought as carry-ons).

I think that covers it. Packing really makes it clear what my most-worn pieces are, and it makes me think about downsizing and going a little more minimal. But I feel like I have to wait until my weight settles before I get rid of anything- it’s kind of hard to predict what categories will suddenly start dwindling as things stop fitting. Like my pajama tank tops that are way too big in the arm holes, or my belts that only work with certain kinds of pants, at a certain weight, and have smaller counterparts in storage.

It’s much easier to be a minimalist when you stay the same size all the time. No one really talks about this. The other minimalists usually say to get rid of everything that doesn’t fit right now, but that just doesn’t make sense for me. I mean, I’m getting rid of the bigger clothes as my weight goes down and they no longer fit, but I still have all this perfectly good stuff that I know will work in the future.

Or am I just kidding myself? That stuff is from 2 years ago and I might not even like wearing it anymore. My recent try-on sessions have certainly made me start thinking about this. Can you ever really go back to what you wore before?

Capsule Wardrobe Update, Shoes, and Germany Preparations

September 29, 2019 by Kristin Purcell in Clothes, Capsule Wardrobe, Minimalism

I’ve just been taking stock of what I have in my current wardrobe so I can figure out what I need for our next trip to Germany. We’ll be there from October 10th until December 6th, so it should be pretty straightforward fall weather. It doesn’t snow there that much, so I can forgo the snow boots and heavy parkas, but I will need some layers for colder days. I recently added some sweaters from storage for that very purpose. Here’s my 26-item capsule wardrobe:

And that is what my year-round closet is looking like. Yes, I have 4 navy blue T-shirts. Yes, I have 3 black T-shirts. I never said it was pretty; it’s just what I’ve got. But I think I have a good solid base to start with. The oatmeal cotton sweater, linen pants, and white skirt aren’t great for fall, and the jeans are just way too big, so that puts me down to 22 pieces to work with. The black silky square-shaped blouse and skinny black jeans at the bottom are my “dressy” outfit for special occasions. The grey men’s pants were replaced by their smaller (identical) counterparts found on Ebay. But the jeans I ordered didn’t work out, and the joggers in storage were too small, so I’m still looking to round out my pants section, hopefully with a pair of men’s jeans that actually fit.

The “new” sweaters I’m thinking about packing are:

Lightweight, open, light grey cardigan with the brand label cut out
Black, super-soft, boxy pullover with the brand label cut out
Blush, cotton, boxy, H&M pullover
Full-zip, cable-knit, dark grey cardigan with a mock neck from Hinge

That gives me four sweaters to work with, plus the two cashmere sweaters I already had in my capsule. I certainly don’t need 6 sweaters for the trip- I’ll probably go with 4, but which ones I don’t know yet. We’ll see what’s practical as the weather starts to cool off. I just thought I’d take out everything that fit well and could give me more options for layering. For mild or chilly weather, I tend to wear a T-shirt and sweater every day, with a top layer if I need it. I’m thinking of wearing the long raincoat on the plane and bringing the “packable” parka that I can squish into its little bag. I don’t know if I need the tan jacket, green shirt, and hoodie, so I may narrow it down a bit. The thing is, we’re each checking a bag for this trip, so I do have the luxury of a little more room than on our last trip to Berlin.

For shoes, I think I’ll stick with what worked last time and wear the boots on the plane, although getting through security with the boots can be an issue. On our way home from Berlin, we weren’t required to take our shoes off, so the steel shank in my boots set off the metal detector. After an extensive conversation involving 3 security officers and a pat-down, they ran my boots through the scanner and discovered it was in fact the steel shank. I think I garnered a little respect from the officers; Germans do love a well-made shoe.

Anyway, I’ll be packing my Adidas sneakers and my running shoes. That way, if I have 3 pairs of pants- hopefully a new pair of men’s jeans, grey pants, and maybe my black skinny jeans? - that gives me equal wear of both the boots and the sneakers. The boots go with Levi’s or pants; the sneakers go with Levi’s or black skinny jeans.

The tricky part is Matt’s opening night: I can easily pack my silky blouse to dress up a pair of black skinny jeans, but heels would really be the only way to make it look right. I don’t know if I can spare the space for that, so I have thought about other options. One possibility would be to bring these cream wide-leg pants and wear the silky top and my boots:

The pants don’t fit just yet, but by opening night at the end of the trip they might… then again I don’t know if I can handle that kind of pressure. In any case, the pants might take up the same amount of space as the heels anyway, so maybe it’d be easier to just bring the shoes.

There’s always all this fuss for one night where I might not even have to socialize after the show. And then there have been times where I couldn’t even attend opening night, when I wasn’t feeling up to being in public. I really regret not getting to see Matt’s work, but when I can’t, I just can’t. It sucks.

So that’s where I’m at with my capsule and my packing plans. The only major shopping that needs to be done is finding some pants. Ideally, I’d like a new pair of men’s Levi’s and some kind of black men’s dress pants in a suiting material. I’d rather not rely on the black skinny jeans since they tend to make me feel bad about myself. For some reason, the black skinny jeans aren’t as bad as the blue ones, but still, I’d rather have something that makes me feel great. I feel like I keep trying to shortchange myself, saying, “Well, I’m in the home stretch. I almost fit into my old stuff, so why bother getting anything now?” But the reality is, weight loss is slow. Agonizingly slow. I’m at least 3 months away from fitting into my storage clothes, and I need to wear pants. Why torture myself over it?

Ebay Finds

September 23, 2019 by Kristin Purcell in Clothes

Well, I’m just buzzing with dopamine after a little online shopping sesh. I decided to buy a couple pairs of pants for the upcoming trip to Germany. My current pants and jeans are way too big unless I cinch them with a belt, and I don’t see them lasting me until December when we get home. I think my weight loss should start slowing down simply because I weigh less and am therefore in less of a calorie deficit. But at the same time, an inch or two difference in pants sizes is more significant than before.

So I broke down yesterday and went to the nearest thrift store, Savers. They tend to have more of a selection than the Salvation Army, albeit their prices are a total rip-off in comparison. My current men’s 501 Levi’s jeans are a 38 waist, so I looked at the size 36 Levi’s that they had. There weren’t any 501s, so I tried some other styles. One pair were skinny jeans, another pair were grey corduroys that were way too big for some unknown reason, and the one pair I actually considered looked like something you’d wear to an Eminem concert in 2002. They had huge knee-length pockets and wide legs, but it was really the ridiculously low rise that eliminated them for me. I mean, I know the kids are all wearing “mom jeans” from the 90s but these were basically the opposite of being on-trend. I tried a bunch of men’s pants and got pretty grossed out. I considered a pair of J. Crew chinos but they were just too khaki for me, and kind of tapered, too, so they wouldn’t fit over my boots.

As I got home and started stripping my clothes off straight into the laundry, Matt started joking around about exactly how gross thrifted men’s pants must be. As I was in the shower, he started speculating about various activities that must have occurred while wearing said pants. Sweating and sitting had crossed my mind, but I always throw thrifted clothing right into a hot wash anyway, so I didn’t really think that was such a big deal. But then things started to get more graphic: bathroom-related behavior, for instance. And then things really crossed a line when he suggested that when examined under a black light, the pants may reveal certain evidentiary material. I shrieked and suddenly felt very embarrassed for waxing so poetically about thrifted men’s pants. Somehow I was thinking about the pants in the same way I considered the women’s dress section. Sure, someone had worn these clothes before, but I never envisioned anything untoward happening during that time. The train of thought Matt introduced was deeply disturbing and just about ruined my dinner.

Today, however, shaking off the skin-crawling experience of the Savers dressing room, I decided to go on Ebay and give it another go. First I searched men’s 501 Levi’s and sifted through the results in my size, priced lowest to highest. Everything under $15 total had visible dirt stains on them. But I found a clean-looking pair with some wear for $11.60 plus $6.95 shipping. They actually have a dry-cleaning tag on them, which is weird for jeans, but I was sold. New Levi’s cost $50-$60 and are not sustainably or ethically made, so I’m more than happy to pay the $18.55 to get exactly what I was looking for- and not have to dig through the racks to find them.

Next, I was hoping to find some pants comparable to the ones I’ve been wearing lately- these charcoal grey, almost flannelly-type ones from the brand GEORGE. I don’t know who GEORGE is, but I do love these pants, so I searched for the brand in my new waist size and inseam. This narrowed things down quite a bit, and I scrolled to the bottom of the page looking for anything not black or khaki. Lo and behold, there was one pair of charcoal grey pants that looked a lot like the ones I own and love. After inspecting the pictures, I actually became hopeful that they might be the very same pants. I checked my tag for a style number and compared it to the one in the photo. By some act of the Ebay gods, I realized that they are in fact identical pants- simply in a 38 waist instead of a 40. For $6.95 plus $11.20 shipping, I will have the great pleasure of continuing to wear my favorite pants despite my change in size. This was positively a shopping thrill, beyond even that of the success of my epic, multiple-store quest for knock-off Adidas sneakers in my size.

I suppose I could have gone a different route, gone to Kohl’s, and looked for any new pants that fit. But even then, it’s hard to know how new things will fit once they’ve been washed. I tend to hang-dry my pants for this very reason. But when something’s thrifted, I can throw it in the dryer without a second thought, since I’m pretty sure this has been done before (God knows men don’t typically drip-dry their jeans). So this exciting online spree saved me the time and torment of dressing rooms and laundry disasters. I actually know what I’m getting, and I didn’t have to (in some small way) harm the environment or the garment workers to get it.

So now I’m prepared for this next little chapter abroad, and I won’t be squeezing into my still-too-small clothes in storage. I can just be right where I am, in my own time, in my own body.